I had such a long Thursday! (last exam this period, finished!)
*This article was made mainly for myself. It's not the usual articles I make where it has a story or a secret message. This is just for me to have an online diary. You might find this boring though. I will keep doing this from now on.*
**Welcome to my second entry!**
`Joow and her Thursday`
`03.11.22`
**7:02 a.m.**
I was supposed to wake up at 6:30 a.m so that I can start reviewing my lessons early, but I woke up 30 minutes late instead. I got more rest though, so I think it's okay.
**7:37 a.m.**
I didn't get to start my reading right away because I got distracted with the game I have on my phone. It is called Tsuki's Odyssey, tuski is a rabbit and he lives in a small village. He plants carrots and I have to harvest those carrots so that I can have money to buy stuff. It was fun and cute! One day, I will make an article about that. Also about the game Adorable home.
**9:00 a.m.**
Our professor messaged us and said that she has to move our exam from 9:30 to 10:30 because she will be late. W didn't complain, because that just means more time to review hehe.
**10:24 a.m.**
I took the exam, finished it in 24 minutes (the essays are included here), and my teacher just heaved a sigh because I finished the test quickly again, ahaha! Although the sigh is not one of exasperation, it was just a playful one. Because even if I finish the tests quick, I still get a high score. : D
**11:35 a.m.**
I am thinking whether I should post another article on read cash. But also I don't want to because I don't want the rewarder to think i am a bot. I am just able to write a lot because i am no longer busy plus I have time in my hands! But still, i will not risk it. I will just make lots of draft and then post them tonight and tomorrow.
**12:25 p.m.**
I cooked lunch for me and my siblings. And, while I was cooking, I was also playing on my phone, and scrolling through my social media, and chatting with my classmates. In short, I didn't get to focus well on cooing. I think it's alright because i didn't mess up the meal, but of course my movements were slower.
**1:43 p.m.**
I had my lunch while having classes. This afternoon, for our mandarin class, our teacher gave us a short introduction about Chinese radicals. She was not able to give as a longer discussion because our professor isn't a native chinese, nor is she knowledgeable of language. Hm, I undertsand that she has trouble, but shouldn't our university give us teachers who could teach is efficiently?
**2:47 p.m.**
our professor dismissed our class 15 minutes earlier! She used to ask for extra minutes from us before, but now she's the one who's giving as extra time : D It's nice.
But the problem is that, even if I know that I still have stuff to do today, I still feel like I shouldn't move around just because I got extra 15 minutes. Well, if I am smart, i should spend this time takng a nap and resting. Which i will do now!
**3:55 p.m.**
Apparently, I am not smart. Because instead of taking a nap and giving my eyes some time to get off screen, I went to youtube and watched random videos. I even watched someone who compared two youtube people who eat in front of the camera.
I mean if i'm gonna look at it closely, I even learned something related to health! It says there that you shouldn't eat a lot if you are not moving around. Like, if you are not physically active, there is no need to eat a lot because the body wouldn't need the fuel. It'll just add up in your body and then you'll grow extra big.
It's hard though, eating is fun TT
**5:00 p.m.**
i went to my google classroom to check if there are activities that i should do within the day, and turns out, i do have deadlines. One for this evening at 11:59 p.m. and tomorrow friday afternoon at 5:00 p.m.
i think if i didn't check my google classroom i'd end up having a missing activity because they totally got out of my mind.
**7:30 p.m.**
I prepared our dinner, which is macaroni soup with evaporated milk and cabbages and sayote and sliced chicken hotdogs. I was scared that it might not be quite tasty, so i added shredded garlic— it made my soup taste super yummy.
**8:30 p.m.**
I am rushing to finish this one activity about indigenous peoples before i go out and attend a meeting with my family. It's one of the modules that i must pass before 11:59 p.m. tonight. I'm already done with half of it, so i will only have to worry about one more later after the meeting.
**10:46 p.m.**
the meeting finished a little late because we started a little late but that's ok i still have an hour left before i could finish my activity. Let's just hope that i will not get too distracted with games and youtube.
**11:36 p.m.**
I finally finished the last module! I scanned the two of them, submitted them to google classroom, and now i am finally ready to go to bed!
**12:47 p.m.**
I didn't go to sleep right away and played Tsuki's Odyssey first. it's such a cute little game but i was hoping that there'd be more about it since it's 600mb big. Maybe there are other surprises waiting for me in the game, and i just have to wait for more days to come.
Now i will go to sleep.
If you made it this far, thank you very much for reading this diary entry! Now you know how my mind works even if there are very important deadlines to catch up on. Hahahaha!
See you next time!
The golden light took me to a runaway place. part 1
At night, when the whole world is asleep, the space beneath my door will glow a faint gold. And then, the smell of water and grass and plants would fill my room. This i know because the sound of glitters wake me up. It's as if a fairy emerged outside of my room, standing behind my door, dusting her dress off of fairy dust right there on the hallway.
Slowly, i will sit up on my bed, hold the blanket close to me as i watch the faintglow disappear, giving the darkness back its place. I will turn on the lamp beside me and that will replace the golden light from a while ago. It's not as beautiful, but it still gives me help to see.
And as careful as a cat, I will slide off my bed, tiptoe towards the door and peek at the dark hallway.
There are no fairies. But, the space beneath the door in front of my room, the abandoned nursery, is glowing from the inside. the same golden light that peeks in my room at night.
I approached it, pressed my ear on the door, and there is rustling heard inside. But it wasn't the disturbing kind of rustling, it's like a mother folding clothes, or opening curtains, or tuckng someone to bed.
I twisted the knob and expecting nothing to happen, but it unlocks, and the smell of the forest hit my face. My hair rustled, and my eyes fluttered shut. It's such a cool breeze.
That abandoned nursery, what i know is that it doesn't have anything inside but cobwebs and creeking wooden floors. But what welcomed me is the view of a huge opened box, glowing with a long strands of gold.
I crouched on the floor, picked up the other end of the golden rope coming out of the said box, and I examined it. It looks magical, it feels magical.
I had to let go of it in favor of letting my excitement take over me. There's a stool in front of the box, I stepped on it and peered inside, it's deep and dark and the golden rope just goes on and on downwards.
I am not sure If i am dreaming- because is this possible? But at the same time, it doesn't feel like a dream. Because I could smell earth and dew and trees. It is too real.
But if it is real, then I shouldn't even think of jumping in that box- But i want to. It's like, there's a voice calling me to jump in.
And so I did. Faling into darkness with just the faint glow of the rope with me.
I jumped but my feet landed on something soft, like moss or damp grass, instead of remaining suspended in air. And then my surroundings doesn't feel so wide anymore, it felt cramped. I outstretched my hands but my hands didn't touch the smooth surface of a box, instead I touched tree bark. I turned around and there's an opening, it shows a light blue sky full of stars and dark green leaves of vines and fireflies in the air. I stepped out, emerging from a tree…I wasn't dreaming. This seems too real. But where did the golden rope bring me?
*to be continued.*
****AUTHOR'S NOTE:**** The images used are screenshots from Taylor Swift's Willow. I used the clips as my prompt for this story : D
I hope that you enjoyed reading this!
Lead image https://images.app.goo.gl/SCTLcz4ctARWEpTY6
I Finished Reading Book One of Six of Crows: Just a bit of gushing out
The last time i finished reading a novel, it was around June last year. It wasn't a very long story, only about 200 pages. And yet it still took me almost 2 months to finish it. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Did I over analyze it? Also yes. Maybe that is the reason why it took me so long to get to the end of it. I was too focused on being the kind of girl who annotates her books. Well obviously, I am not that kind of reader. I am the kind who keeps a clean book.
So now, I just read book for the sake of reading it and enjoying it and going on an adventure. I didn't read to make myself look cool, I read it because I wanted to. And I am so glad I did!
After almost 10 months, I finally got myself into reading again and managed to finish a book that is almost 800 pages long! I started reading it around Mid february and got to finish it today. 800 pages in less than a month, isn't that so cool? It's cool! I find it super cool and satisfying.
Okay so this book I read is called the Six of Crows. It's about a group of six teens to get into the most secure prison in their world. It was fun, i would like to make a summary about it now, but my mind is still a little foggy with the exams and so i can't pull out all the needed info in order for me to make a summary that would make sense.
Well anyway, the first few chapters is about Kaz Brekker, the protagonist, building up a crew to go with him and break in the Ice Court. And then in the following chapters, the capabilities of the and skills of the characters were introduced while on the way to Ice court.
WARNING! THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!
It's just so amazing! Lots of actions happened, they fought guards and soldiers, they blew up stuff, killed people and snapped necks and robbed people, and pretended to be prisoners too. There are also back stories that make the things they do make sense. Kaz has a sad story, especially the way his brother died. Also Inej, another main character, has a sad story. The way she was taken away from her family was sad, and then at the end of book one she was also taken away. It was, I couldn't explain the feeling but it made me want to grab a pillow and scream there out of frustration.
It was a great book! That's all that I can say for now while I still haven't published a proper summary yet, hehe. And now I am on book two. I will also make an article about each chapter of book two. I want to keep a collection of opinions about the things I read and then go back to read them and feel happy about the worlds i managed to visit.
For now, i will have to end the article here. I just needed a space to gush out my happiness about the book! Thank you for reading my article : D
lead image https://images.app.goo.gl/9CRsE9roH78SEhVP6
https://read.cash/@joow/wasted-3-hours-of-my-wednesday-5919d4f0
After four busy days, i am finally able to write an article again! Actually, this is more like a rant about my day 😂 but still! At least i got something to share about today.
Let's hope that i get to finish reading my notes right away so that i can publish a proper article. See you as soon as possible noisy people!
Wasted 3 hours of my Wednesday
Last night, I slept around 1 am. I didn't mean to reach that late, but my body was so used to it that it wouldn't let me sleep for as early as 11 p.m. I couldn't sleep so I opened my phone and watched a video of a Korean lady going on solo campings. She meets start cats, feeds them sometimes, and cuddles with them to sleep. It was a nice discovery during a sleepless night!
And then, when the lady on the video goes to say goodbye, I turned of my phone, and went to sleep with the thought of a imaginary cat sleeping beside me, like the one in the lady's vlog.
The next morning, which is today, I woke up and slightly fixed my bed and table and immediately went on studying for an exam. I woke up around 6:30 a.m. awhile ago, but I deem it too early so I went back to sleep. It was just a short one though because the next time I woke up, mom and dad are already away. The clock read 8:02 a.m.
I studied for only an hour because my exam was at 9:30. I reread the modules I read last night before bed, memorized keywords, and then bam, I took the exam. The exam lasted two hours and I could say that i did well.
And then after that, my day was filled with nonsense. My exam finished 11:30 and then I made lunch. I cooked okra with sardines with lots of onion. My dad loved it a lot, because i added a lot of crushed garlic and also the ginger slices that he likes. I ate watched youtube videos, and then fast forward to 7:00 p.m. i haven't done anything nice.
I was supposed to compose a prose or a short story that i will be posting here on read cash. It was a story that based on taylor swift's willow, bts' spring day. I was supposed to use their songs as a prompt in order for me to write something. But i got distracted with sewing tears on my clothes and looking for an idea can you for the verification of my gcash account.
It took me 3 hours to do all those things, 3 hours wasted! I don't understand how time passes so fast when i'm doing nonsense and then time is very slow when i'm doing something important.
And now it's 7:00 p.m. i'm sitting in front of my bed table, reading a module that i have to study about for my exam tomorrow. This topic is very boring, it's about theories of speech perception and i'm not sure if i'm going to do well tomorrow. Well i think i can do well tomorrow if i focus right now on my task and stop letting my phone distract me.
I think i will have to end my article here. An article that is more like a front and quick scribble just to update my account here on read. Worry not though my friends! Because later, i will try my best to post the story prose i was talking about. Let's just hope that i won't get distracted again so that i can finish my task as soon as possible.
Thank you for reading my little rant about my day, see you again later!
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Breakfast
https://pin.it/2rLPPv2
Book
https://pin.it/3eT7rr8
Doing nothing
https://pin.it/rdpQryc
Lead image
https://pin.it/6GO8c7Q
How was my Friday evening?
*This article was made mainly for myself. It's not the usual articles I make where it has a story of a secret message. This is just for me to have an online diary. You might find this boring though. I will keep doing this from now on.*
**Welcome to my first entry!**
`Joow and her first diary entry`
`03.05.22ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ`
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****6:59 p.m.ㅤ****
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I need to find of a better way to spend my time. Aside from studying, I need to think of something else that won't only benefit me, but other people too.
One thing I thought of is practicing drawing. It's not just me who will benefit if I learn to draw. I could also help my sister with her projects and also open commission. Right now, it seems like it's impossible, but in time, if I take this practice seriously and in God's will, I might be able to actually open commissions. Just simple little doodles will do.
I should also be a better Christian. This should be on top of my list, to be a good Christian. I need to read the Bible more, and be a light to other sheep. These days, I noticed that the world wants me to be a part of it. I shouldn't let that happen. I do not belong to this world, I belong to Christ, and so I should start being one. I won't be able to this alone though, so, prayers must be done. Prayers with my effort to change must be done. I hope that I'll listen to the reminders whispered to me instead of being stubborn.
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****7:32 p.m.****
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I tried to draw a shelf with books, and a vase beside it, but it looks so ugly that I felt demotivated to continue doing it. Should I watch videos of people doodling first? Study color theory? I don't know how to start it properly. Oh and my back is hurting right now, I want to go to my room now and flatten my back on my bed, but I can't yet. My electric fan is still resting. I'll have to endure the back pain a little longer.
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****12:17 a.m.****
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This book called Six of Crows, I like it. It brought my inner bookworm out from where it had been sleeping for the past years.
The books is about a group of 6 teenagers, they're in an adventure, going for a heist, and they're cool thieves. I hope I get to finish it soon so that I can already start the second book. But even if I want to read it all at once, I can't because I still have a week of exams in front of me. I have to study a lot and prioritize my education over fiction.
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****12:22 a.m.ㅤ****
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I am feeling lazy. I don't have the strength to write on my journal, so I'll just use this platform as my online diary. I'm enjoying this place : )
And to think about it, writing this way, even if it's aimless, will help me find my flow in writing an article that's more suitable for sharing. I'll treat diary entries as my warm up. Thank you for your time!
An Adventure Starts Today!
joow and her life: a random article to beat writer's block.
I was dreaming about my mother, sister, and brother in the kitchen, and they are all talking about mobile data plans, it's silly but I am not sure why they're talking about it. And then just a few minutes into that dream, or so i think, my alarm in the real life blared. It woke me up and the first thing I noticed was the smell of burnt food.
The kitchen is just beside my room, so i yelled and asked if someone is cooking, and if someone is watching the food get cooked. Mom entered my room and said that it was from a while ago. So something did burn.
But I shouldn't really mind because I wouldn't be eating those. Because today is the first day of me going back to diet life!
I will be having oatmeal for my breakfast, just a small bowl of serving. And then in order to fool my tummy into thinking that it's full, I'll be drinking hot coffee. Or hot choco with coffee.
It worked for me before, you know? I can even manage skipping meals, so what more a smaller serving than I usually have? I don't even get hungry when i do it. The only problem is that my appetite is too big. My appetite controls me most of the time and it is quite embarrassing.
So now, I will try again and prove to myself that I am better than my past self. A person who let's food control them. I should also think about my future. I should lose weight, be healthy, and avoid the risk of dying because of a bloodclot or a heart attack. I also don't want to die early. And most importantly, stir away from gluttony.
But, I have to make sure that this weightloss journey won't make me feel like i am stranded in an island or forest, feeling hungry without anything to eat. I should still feel like a decent human who is only stirring away from guilty pleasure.
I should also bear in mind that I am a student. I should diet, but I should not starve myself because I will be needing the energy to perform well.
I also do a lot of house activities, so i should bear in mind that I need food. But not too much. Just enough to keep me going throughout the day.
Ah, the thought of me losing all my excess fat, and finally reaching a normal weight, inspires me to keep this thing going! It's going to be a challenge, but I know that this is going to be worth it.
****ENDING THOUGHTS****: This was supposed to turn out as a useless article, it was what i was expecting because I started writing this article without a thought in mind. I am glad that it found a rhythm!
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
- Slowly but surely, you will get there. https://read.cash/@joow/slowly-but-surely-you-will-get-there-2262e4f3
- It's like everyday exam in college, so tiring! https://read.cash/@joow/slowly-but-surely-you-will-get-there-2262e4f3
- The Sun, The Moon, and The Stupid Me. https://read.cash/@joow/the-sun-the-moon-and-the-stupid-me-074e2444
**IMAGE SOURCES**
KItchen stuff
https://pin.it/3CnnIby
Coffee
https://pin.it/6YGulUR
City by the waters
https://pin.it/7D7ko4L
lead image
https://pin.it/37MW56t
Slowly but surely, you will get there.
I always have doubts about myself, especially about the things that I can do. Am I a good enough student? Am I a good writer? Do I write well? Did I improve? Or, did I improve in certain areas and the went downhill on other aspects? I even doubt if I am a good person or not.
These days--no actually, the whole February--I am not performing well. I do get high scores, I pass my activities on time, I do projects, but they're not that satisfactory to me. Per semester in my university is divided into 3 periods. P1, P2, and P3. Last P1, I did well. All my modules were passed on time, everyday I was studying and I was even one of the top performing students in my year. And now we are at P2, almost at the end of it actually, and I think i am only performing half as good as I did in P1. And as for p3, it's right in front me, waiting for its turn.
I think it's because my focus was diverted from studies to social media. This has been my problem for almost a year now, and I still haven't worked on it properly. The first thing I do in the morning is open my phone and check my facebook notifications, reply to messages and then get lost in the world of funny vidoes. That's not supposed to be the way I should start my morning. I should start my morning by fixing my bed, and doing my morning chores, and then after all that I should only touch my phone. But it's quite the opposite last month. Leisure came first before responsibilities.
I am now trying to get out of that state though, I am trying to look for my rhythm again. And in order to do that well, i pray to the Lord. Things get so much more bearable when I pray to the Lord and ask for the things I need--mentally and physically. Because I cannot work on my life by my own.
But, prayers will be fruitless if I don't do my part. I asked for more focus, then I should help myself too and let go of my phone, get up and do the things I must do for the day.
Just like right now. On this day, March 1, 2022, I have decided that the past month will not repeat itself. I have a month left before the semester ends, and so I should give my all to finish the semester with flying colors.
Aside from finding my way to reading my notes everyday, I will also be working on writing essays and articles for the coming new academic year. On august, I will be a 3rd year college student and i cannot let myself step into a new level without getting my writing skills working again.
I got so used to writing prose and poems and informal writings that i no longer know how to properly write an essay or a report. I forgot how to write an editorial article without making it sound like it was just a random lady who wrote it. I don't want my academic papers to sound like social media post. And so yes, i will practice writing. And I believe that read.cash is a good place for me to start. Not only that i will be able to write, i will also get to read articles from people. Oh, and I will also get to learn more topics and meet more people as well. 4-in-1. Isn't that amazing?
Aside from those, I should also work on myself. I've noticed that I have this attitudes that aren't considered kind, and that it's sometimes considered selfish. And knowing that I have those kind of things going on with me, I have to work on them. I can't just continue living and causing emotional harm to people. I need to improve. As of now, I still don't know how to start with it. But I shouldn't be scared, I just have to pray and surrender myself to the Lord, and then I'll just have to let the Lord help me in my way to a better path.
There's so much to work on, but I should't let it tower over me. They shouldn't look like taller than me, I shouldn't think that way. Just, one step at a time. And I'll get to a better state in life.
****ENDING THOUGHT****: 3 days since the last time I posted an article. Glad to be back! Just as what I have mentioned above, i have plenty of things to fix. And as i fix them, I'll try my best to share them here as well :D
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
- It's like everyday exam in college, so tiring! https://read.cash/@joow/its-like-everyday-exam-in-college-so-tiring-ce49ffe5
- The Sun, The Moon, and The Stupid Me. https://read.cash/@joow/the-sun-the-moon-and-the-stupid-me-074e2444
- An early morning and sleepy thought https://read.cash/@joow/an-early-morning-and-sleepy-thought-f32ef1f1
- Either you stop chilling or you fail. Choose https://read.cash/@joow/either-you-stop-chilling-or-you-fail-choose-a9e09376
**IMAGE SOURCES**
messy room
https://pin.it/ZtJtATc
girl on the ground
https://pin.it/4NXbry1
rose on a glass
https://pin.it/2mrpkjc
feet in the air
https://pin.it/77qO6oH
lead image
https://pin.it/7aVxePI
My new sponsors, @kli4d and @alicecalope
thank you very much for the support. I appreciate it very much!
This is an inspiration to me to write more, thank you 🌟 I hope you'll like my future posts!
ㅤㅤㅤㅤ[ a prose by Joow ]
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ Ease.
ㅤㅤHere comes the night, bearing ease and calm wind to touch our cheeks and hair. Here comes the night, and it blankets you with comfort, telling you to sleep. And so sleep, child, sleep before the sun rises again.
(Just in case writer's block comes, my next article will revolve around this prose of mine 🌟)
It's like everyday exam in college, so tiring!
Finally, it's friday again, it's time for me to rest. The whole week was tiring; the week's filled with activities for school, 3 modules at most per subject, oral recitations, essays and reports. There were so much to do! But now they're gone for a while, and so I'm very Thankful for it.
Next week though, exams will start coming to us. On Monday, I don't have an exam yet, but I have 8 modules to study and write a summary about. Actually, I'm not gonna write all 8 in one day, but I'll have to finish all 8 by Monday. It's a deadline I set for myself.
You might be wondering why I have 8. Well, it's because I was in a down mood for almost a whole month, that's why I couldn't get myself to do the tasks. And now I have a pile to do. Lesson learned though.
*Don't let your works pile up. Work even if you're sad!*
But oh, before Monday, of course there's Sunday first. I think, me and my mom are gonna go back to the eye doctor, only if my glasses are already fixed and ready to be picked up! I hope that they fixed it already, because I'm gonna need it for my busy examination week.
If mom and I are not gonna go out on Sunday, then that means I'll just have to stay at home. And when that happens, I have to make sure that I'll have to spend my time wisely. I'll probably spend it reading and writing so that I won't feel too pressured by Monday.
So I already mentioned what's going to happen on Monday, now let's talk about Tuesday! On that day, I have 1 sure exam, and 1 that I am still unsure of. It's making me kind of nervous because our professor won't tell us an exact date. Who does that, like a surprise exam? It just adds tomour stress! Well anyway, I hope that the lack of date won't push me to procrastinate again. I cannot afford to do procrastination this late in the semester!
On Wednesday, I only have one exam, and it's for pragmatics. Pragmatics is one of the hardest subjects I have, it's also the subject that I got the lowest grade at. Usually my grades are line of 9, but my grade for that subject was 86. It's still high, but I'm not used to it. So, I have to make sure I'll make it up this period. I cannot get a lower a grade than that :(
And finally, the last day of my academic week, thursday! I usually have 2 subjects on this day, so supposedly I have 2 exams too. But on that day, I'll only have 1 because I already took my Mandarin exam this week. Which means I won't be too stressed on Thursday, and then I'll rest again before reviewing for another batch of exam the week after next week.
You see, this is the reason why I haven't been active here the past two days, because it's hell week 😭 But even so, I'll still try my best to spend more time here, especially that I have to practice my essay writing skills.
I think I'll have to end my article here, it's nice to have somewhere to share my schedule :) I hope we'll all do well with our tasks in life!
****ENDING THOUGHTS:**** I can't believe how busy I am this week. I can't wait for our vacation to come.
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES:**
It might sound repetitive but i want it. https://read.cash/@joow/it-might-sound-repetitive-but-i-want-it-d2da8ae1
The sun the moon and the stupid me https://read.cash/@joow/the-sun-the-moon-and-the-stupid-me-074e2444
An early morning and sleepy thought https://read.cash/@joow/an-early-morning-and-sleepy-thought-f32ef1f1
You there is stop chilling or you fail. Choose. https://read.cash/@joow/either-you-stop-chilling-or-you-fail-choose-a9e09376
**IMAGE SOURCES:**
Study desk
https://pin.it/3838jhA
White building
https://pin.it/2DlXcOE
Books
https://pin.it/18YngKU
Walk away
https://pin.it/1STQc2r
Lead image
https://pin.it/7MW7ODa
The Sun, The Moon, and The Stupid Me.
I lay in bed at nights and hope that the moon will talk to the sun, say goodbye for me, because I do not want to wake up anymore. But the next day, I still open my eyes and there's still air in my lungs. I am still alive.
Everyday, I have to go through that stairwell and see outside of the building waking up along with me. The sunlight would let me see the floating dusts, and ghosts of you.
And that is why I do not want to wake up. Because the sun is mocking me, teasing me maybe, that you could come back. The sun knows you won't, the sun knows where you are… somewhere I don't know.
Now, the sun makes me wonder, makes me think of things again. How did you run away? How were you able to escape, and why didn't you take me with you?
Did you take that white car we stole from your dad? That white car which brought us to an old apartment complex, which helped us escape? Did you use it to escape from me too? How were you able to get on that thing, and not look at the mirror and get reminded of me?
I'm thinkig that maybe your memory of me in your head isn't as strong as I thought it would be. How are you gonna be able to leave me if I'm all that you think of anyway? But you left, so my hold on you is probably not that strong. Maybe it was too loose that you got to wiggle out of my grip, take the keys silently from the hook on the wall, and drive off.
I don't even know if you kissed me in my sleep before you ran. But probably not, because you didn't even cook me breakfast to make me believe, to at least try to make me believe that you'll come back.
You made everything so blatant, so obvious, and yet here I am thinking and hoping just a little bit that you'll come back. That there's gonna be a knock on my door, and you'll be there holding grocery bags. And I would believe you if you tell me that the line just took a month to finally finish.
But not even a lie or a badly made story of getting lost came to me. I was left in that building, in that old ugly structure when I could be somewhere better. I was thinking that maybe I'll have to wait for a bit more. But I've been telling that to myself ever since you turned your back from me.
Maybe the sun still shines because it wants to make me see omething else. Maybe, it wants me to go along with it, have a new day, stop being stuck in the past, stop thinking of the night and of the dark and of abandonment.
Maybe the sun wasn't mocking me at all. Maybe it was showing me a way out of my misery, away from you, and towards somewhere new. Start all over again.
****ENDING THOUGHTS:**** This is just a random prose that i thought of making. It sucks to be left behind; I haven't experienced it in a romantic sense, but i think it would hurt as much as being left behind by any one you love. I hope none of us will be abandoned : )
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/an-early-morning-and-sleepy-thought-f32ef1f1
https://read.cash/@joow/either-you-stop-chilling-or-you-fail-choose-a9e09376
https://read.cash/@joow/it-might-sound-repetitive-but-i-want-it-d2da8ae1
https://read.cash/@joow/have-you-reached-a-destination-now-6d6a448a
**IMAGE SOURCES**
staircase
https://pin.it/29bkuPh
car
https://pin.it/2iL2Nfx
buildings
https://pin.it/1NQ83M8
lead image
https://pin.it/2B6wRNv
An early morning and sleepy thought
20 minutes before 6 a.m. and I am awake. I'm considering if I should go back to sleep, or get up now and do my reviewer for my subject mandarin.
I have an exam on Thursday and I haven't done a proper Review yet. It's not a lot, I know I can focus well if I give all my attention onto it, but reviewing a week before exam really would have caused a huge difference.
The confidence would be there, not getting a perfect score won't make me feel that bad, and the coldness of my feet and palms wouldn't be too much.
But I didn't review a week before exam, so I shouldn't expect much. I'll definitely feel cold during the test, and my heart would sound like it's trying to escape my chest.
That being mentioned, I'm now unsure if I should bring back drinking caffeine or not, you know to help me stay awake. Coffee would make the nervousness worse but makes me feel awake. It also makes me wonder if coffee is the reason why I had fever last month. Coffee lead to me being awake too much, studying too much.
Maybe I'll just have tea. Black tea or green tea, they both help me feel awake too. Black tea makes me feel like I'm a good student who's in a study booth in the library. And green tea makes me feel like I'm a student who cares for her health.
Speaking of health, green tea helps with metabolism because the tea quickens it. Therefore I can burn more calories faster. Which means, it helps not only for alert study sessions, but also with my weightloss journey.
I can't call myself health conscious if I just let myself be this huge forever.
I couldn't call myself a health conscious too if I don't sleep some more. I just realized that I only had 4 hours of sleep yet.
I'll have to end my article here and go back to sleep. I hope that when I wake up, I'll read this again and help me in making my day better.
**IMAGE SOURCES**
In front of window
https://pin.it/1fjHrGc
Steaming cups
https://pin.it/43BwPhs
Bed
https://pin.it/5IFIZMe
Lead image
https://pin.it/4aRhQEz
Either you stop chilling or you fail. Choose.
Some people spend their mornings productively; eating while working and talking to people. Some spend it relaxed, just eating and enjoying the morning air. And some skip breakfast and immediately go to work.
As for me, I spend my mornings these days quite lazily. I wake up, I get reminded to pray and thank for the new day I got, and then I do the first mistake for the whole day: I pick up my phone, unlock it, and go to my facebook account.
I just don't understand myself. I know that time management is important, that self discipline is all the more important. And yet, I don't apply those to myself most of the time these past weeks.
Examination week is just around the corner and yet I am not behaving in a way that should be prepapring myself for an exam. I am too chill.
Back when there are still face to face classes, you will see me trying to study all the time. Before going to school I study, while riding a vehicle on the way to school I study, when I get to school I study. It's what I do before the exams begin. I only stop when the teachers tell us to hide our notes.
But now? I don't know, I am feeling the pressure but there are only 3 days left before the exam. I haven't memorized a thing yet! It's frustrating and disappointing.
Why did I let myself fall into the loop of social media addiction again? Maybe I was bored? I think I was bored even though there's a pile of work for me to do. I'm strange and quite irresponsible for my age.
But this morning, I think something hit me on the head because now I'm awake. Awake and aware of the things i didn't do, and of the things I should be doing. I woke up early this morning, the sun wasn't that high in the sky yet and I yawn every 10 minutes.
I was sleepy, and tired, and my head hurt. But I am also tired of procrastinating and entertaining my laziness! And so i ignored all that. I got out of bed, boiled eggs for breakfast, sat down on my desk, and wrote on my journal to shake off the remnants of sleep I have in me.
I think by doing that, I got to call the train of productivity. I hopped in and until now the train hasn't stopped moving. I am still inside it and I am still doing my tasks. The sleepiness came back. The headache visited me too. But that's fine, I can ignore those. I'll have to take advantage of this surge of productivity that got into me.
Because if I don't, I'll be stuck in this lowness some more. And I don't want that.
So I'm gonna fight sleepiness, and work.
****ENDING THOUGHTS:**** This is basically me telling you guys what hapened to my day today. It started out bad but i think it's slowly getting better. My forehead is hurting, but it's manageable. I can work some more : D
*And once again, Thank you very much for reading my article!*
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/i-want-rain-but-i-should-love-the-sun-first-9678ca0e
https://read.cash/@joow/it-might-sound-repetitive-but-i-want-it-d2da8ae1
https://read.cash/@joow/have-you-reached-a-destination-now-6d6a448a
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Food in front of computer
https://pin.it/12qFgiR
Girl in transportation
https://pin.it/5uSQaFb
sea by the road
https://pin.it/60sgdDr
black cat
https://pin.it/3MdnXoJ
lead image
https://pin.it/5r0yRL8
I want rain, but I should love the sun first.
I wish the rainy season will come. I miss smelling rain and wearing something thick and warm the whole day. I miss the sound of pitter patter on our roof and also the sound of frogs singing in the fields. I miss a lot of things during the rainy days, especially the long sleeps that I have in the night and morning.
I remember when I was still in highschool, I always hope that the rain will cancel out classes. That it would make my bed colder so I can have an excuse to hold my blanket closer to me.
When it's raining, mom always cooks chocolate rice, or hot chicken noodles with boiled eggs. The kitchen would smell of Mama's coffee and tv would be playing, showing the news for the day. It's like a special day even if it's just a normal morning, with still sleepy children sat around the table.
But sadly, it's not the rainy season yet. I think it's going to be summer first. I could actually feel the summer coming because I'm starting to sweat even at night. But It's weird though—the weather is hot but the clouds are always so grey, like it's going to rain. The sky looks grey from morning to afternoon but it doesn't even let out a single drop.
I think that's okay, so that we can have a shield from the hot sun. The clouds are grey and thick, the wind smells of rain but there is no rain. I would be disappointed if I have the mindset of my 17 year old self. But I am now 22, 5 years older, and I now know that I should be thankful that we have a cover above in the sky. Or else out skin will burn and out plants will wilt.
But, being thankful doesn't stop me from wishing of rain. If there's no rain, or even the smell of it or color of it, then I wish there'd be the look of it in the streets. Not wet pavement, but blurry air. I want the fog, the aura it brings to the city, like the whole place is haunted or mysterious. But I guess that's impossible too because the fog just comes when it's cold.
The fog comes at the end of the year and at the beginning of the year. The fog seems to be a special effect at moving on from the last year and moving forward to a new year. The fog, the mist, I want it. But it's summer so I really can't.
And so i am left with no choice but to enjoy the warmth these days offer. But to accept the yellow sun, the light wind, and the fact that summer has to arrive first before everything else I am wishing for. I should enjoy the plants looking so lively and not drowning in accumulated water rain. I should, savor the warm days before I let my fingers face the freezing cold.
I should just enjoy the sun first before the rain. And then, when the rain comes, I'll try to enjoy it a lot, and not wish for the sun to come back quick.
****ENDING NOTES:**** This is my thought before going to sleep. It's because a while ago, the sky was grey but I could still feel the heat of the sun. It makes me want to shower in the rain. But just like what I said a while ago, no rain came. And I think another good thing a about it is that it made me write an article hahaha!
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/i-just-want-to-go-home-and-escape-your-stares-89233b90
https://read.cash/@joow/have-you-reached-a-destination-now-6d6a448a
https://read.cash/@joow/it-might-sound-repetitive-but-i-want-it-d2da8ae1
https://read.cash/@joow/my-afternoon-saved-my-lonely-morning-3e98d82d
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Wet street
https://pin.it/5Aw3orG
Empty road
https://pin.it/3oyhrp5
Blooming tree
https://pin.it/1cdOHsI
Lead image
https://pin.it/2mZPpjP
My Afternoon Saved My Lonely Morning
There's nothing interesting that has happened to me today. Well, there is but I haven't made an outline on how to share it here, yet. So, I will just talk about how my day went last Feb. 16, 2022.
My day didn't start out well. I got scolded by my dad because of my stubborness, and that kind of put me in a sad mood. I wasn't even trying hard to study that morning. I just, felt sad. It was an unproductive daytime, really. It's also disappointing because why am I getting lazy when examination is already lurking?
Thankfully though, by the grace of our Lord God, my afternoon turned out good, better than my morning. It's because I prayed that I will be guided and helped to overcome the problem I was facing. And then right away, my chest and head felt better. it's like, there was an elephant sitting above me and then it disappeared it vanished into thin air. It was such a nice experience, a proof of how powerful prayers are, and how merciful God is.
With that, I was able to appreciate the afternoon. And the afternoon also looked like it's a perfect time to get out of my bad mood.
I didn't start my tasks early, but the afternoon gave way for me to start, even if I am kind of late.
****14:27 to 14:47****
I used this time to write down on my journal. The journaling happened after I prayed. Journaling helps me gather my thoughts when I feel like everything is a mess in my head. And in that afternoon, journaling felt extra more relaxing, my thoughts freel flowing out from my pen and onto the sheet of my notebook.
****14:56 to 15:39****
I didn't accomplish a lot of things the past few weeks and so of course a pile of works appeared. When I see so many things to work on, my mind will start malfunctioning and then I wouldn't know how to start! On that afternoon though, I was reminded that when there's a pile of mess, you should organize it first. Because usually, things look too much because they aren't arranged properly. Like dirty dishes on our sinks. After I arranged my untouched modules, I realized that it wasn't a lot of work, and I just only gave myself a scare.
****15:40 to 17:04****
After i arranged my modules, I immediately started to work. Of course I didn't get to finish everything, but what matters is that I was able to start something, and the pile looked smaller than before. It's like 10% out of a hundred was gone, and it's still a good start. The summary of the lesson I made helped me understand my lesson better, and when I understand my lessons better, my scores on exams and quizzes get better and higher too. The writing caused my back to hurt, but it's worth it. No pain, no gain.
****18:00 to 19:02****
Finally, it's dinner time! That evening, I cooked for us macaroni soup. It has milk, diced carrots, thin circular slices of chicken hotdogs, and even mushroom heads. It was a delicious meal and it took me about an hour to prepare it. I think it took me that long because I kept sneaking veggies into my mouth, munching while working. Dad said that it's wrong, and so I am now trying to stop doing it. But it's become a bad habit of mine and so I am struggling just a little to get rid of it. But, I'm still going to have to work on that, no matter how hard it would take.
****That afternoon, I also received 20 pesos load for my smart sim-**** sponsored by my kind mother. I am not using the simcard to call or text anyone, but the number was used to register myself on a certain site. So I had to keep it alive. If not, I might get locked out of my account, and I cannot afford that to happen. So there, 20 pesos and I don't have to worry about the sim deactivating because it could keep my sim alive for a year. It's amazing isn't it?
That's the highlight of my day last wednesday. Half my day I felt bad, and then the other half was spent happily and productively. It was, nice. It felt good to come back to your momentum of your activities. I hope that the energy would last me until the end of the semester. It's only 2 months away, so i think I can make it : )
****ENDING THOUGHTS:**** Life is indeed a wheel. Sometimes you are up, and sometimes you are at the bottom. I think acceping this fact will help me deal with my problems better. Do you believe that life is a wheel too?
*ALL IMAGES USED ARE MINE, EXCEPT FOR THE LEAD IMAGE WHICH IS FROM PINTEREST.*
link: https://pin.it/3UViomY
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES:**
https://read.cash/@joow/it-might-sound-repetitive-but-i-want-it-d2da8ae1
https://read.cash/@joow/have-you-reached-a-destination-now-35677867
https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f
It might sound repetitive, but I want it.
I look down at my hands one afternoon as I sit alone on top of a hill. I am beneath a huge tree and so the leaves cast shadows on my palms. I look down at my hands and it made me think of other people's hands. Probably somene who's got a bigger one and could hold my hand in his.
I look down at my hands and think that hand holding is kind of strange.
Of course not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me ignore the bird landing on my knee. I think the strangeness of it isn't bad, but captivating. Because, when someone holds you, it makes you feel warm and all your attention is focused onto that warmth the hold gives you.
The wind blew and the bird on my knee chirped, and it jumped and flew away, leaving me and my thoughts alone.
I raised my hand, arms outstreched. My hand looks like it belonged to someone else before. Like it belonged to someone from the past. This hand i have feels warm all the time, maybe this hand was always held lovingly. But now it just stays on my side. No one has ever had the romantic intention to twine their fingers with mine.
What my fingers do is hold paper and pens and write prose and poems about love. What my fingers do is hold books and their worlds. What my fingers do is fiddle grass and let it stain my nails green. If someone else's fingertips won't mark the skin behind my hand, then I'll let the grass do the coloring. The stain would last days there, but the imaginary warmth just a moment.
All these thoughts about hand holding made me think of school and the lots of couple i cross paths with. The flowers in lockers, the stolen glances lovers share across the cafeteria, and even the origamis I once had to deliver to a girl from a boy. They are all in love, heart eyes and giggles.
Why does it have to remind me of love? Holding someone doesn't have to be romantic and yet it's what i think of. It could be your father taking your hand as you cross the street, or your mother's hand above yours while teaching you how to play the piano. Your friend could hold your hand too, while you run away from bullies, while you walk back home from school, while you share a book to read.
So many other reasons and yet i think of romance.
Maybe the reason why I thought of romantic hand holding is my lack of love...romantically. And I can't think of any more reason aside from that. My mind thinks of something, dreams of something, because I don't have it. Why would I wish for something in the first place if I already know it's mine?
I stood up from where I was sitting and i didn't bother dusting off my skirt. I let the dry grass and leaves cling, a sign I wasn't alone because nature was there for me. Giving me a shade, birds that sing for me, and a sun to shine on the leaves and the leaves to cast shadows on my hand.
My hand to remind me of a love I do not have. A wish that I will constantly wish for. The stars must be tired of my pleas.
I didn't start walking and I just stood there on top of the hill. I could see the village from where I am standing and I feel like I am closer to the sky than the people below. It's like my hand could have something new to do and that is reaching up to the sky and hold the clouds instead.
Holding the clouds seems more possible these days compared to having a lover to hold hands with.
But I think it wouldn't matter really, if there's something or someone around. A hand is not just for a hand. It could be for different things too, I think of those things as I make my way down the hill. I think of the birds that could perch on my fingers, and they will sing to me and I will sing back. I could probably hold grains on my palms and feed the little singers. And I could pick up branches too, and burn them, and make fire to warm me up.
Who needs a hand to hold anyway? Of course me. Of course me. But I got to to pretend i don't from time to time so I wouldn't get hurt too much.
I walked down the hill, back home, and tried to think of pretty birds instead of warm skin and love.
****ENDING THOUGHTS:**** This is just me trying to make a prose about my current thought and feelings. Yes, I wanna hold someone's hand hahaha! Cringe. TT
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f
https://read.cash/@joow/beneath-my-fingertips-is-a-world-i-dream-of-12e28342
https://read.cash/@joow/in-my-head-theres-a-reel-fbebb9d1
https://read.cash/@joow/have-you-reached-a-destination-now-35677867
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Hands holding
https://pin.it/6T7zPyf
pickng on grass (used as lead image as well)
https://pin.it/55d8U5J
standing still
https://pin.it/1AJA93H
birds
https://pin.it/1LYfPZZ
I AM SO HAPPY!
I would like to say thank you to @foryoubtc09 for being my first ever sponsor here at read cash TT
I really feel happy right now hahaha! The sponsorship makes me want to write even more! Today is a good day
: D
Have you reached a destination now?
I went to the eye doctor, like what people tell me to do, and I got my eyes checked. The doctor said that my eyes are too bad for my age, told me to be careful or I might end up blind even before I age 70.
But in my head I think that, won't being blind make things better? I will only go blind, but i will not die, will only live in a world full of shadows. No light and images and faces. Just black, like when you get sucked in by the waters, it gets darker and darker the deeper you go.
*Did you reach the ocean floor? Or are you still travelling, being carried by the current below?*
I got home after I got my new prescription glasses. It indeed made things clearer, so clear that I think there's the figure in my nightmare, hiding by the post. So clear I could see the characters of my dreams walking in broad daylight.
There's the police man telling us to slow down, and the kid who was chasing his ball. The police, he's wearing his blue uniform, a whistle dangling around his neck. But his eyes are gone, and his ears are gone, and his mouth are sewn shut. He looks frightening.
And the kid, we wears a blindfold and his ball is dripping wet with seaweeds clinging to it. He looks uncaring. Like a killer.
*The police was actually frightening, he played deaf and mute and refused to do his job. A wad of money enough to turn him into a dog. And the kid was really reckless. That kid killed you, along with the police.*
And the glasses made me see that they're all just outside our house. How I wish they'll just go away.
But how could they vanish when I refuse to drink my medicine? The doctor said, a different one, that the medicine will help calm my mind. It could help me sleep. And so I took it once, and I regretted it a lot the next day.
The medicine only calms my mind when i am awake, but when I am asleep my mind is in chaos.
In my dream I'm in a house, and inside there's a white wall with a calendar, and the calendar shows the date of your death. And in that room I stand alone, in that room the sound of waves echo. But there is no window, no door, no ventilation. But there's the sound of waves getting louder and louder. Like I am surrounded by the sea.
The medicine made me sleep, but sleep brought me nightmares and rooms filled with nothing but the horrying sound of water.
*Water against water, water against glass, water against lungs.*
It makes me want to choke on air. I wish I could choke on air and be thrown into the sea. Maybe somehow, the current will lead me to you. Dead and cold and probably bloated with liquids. I probably wouldn't recognize your face, but the water knew what you looked like, who you were, how you died.
In my dream it would take a while before i could manage to punch a whole in the wall. And when i do, the thundering sound waves will rush through the hole in a whoosh, and leave the room in complete silence. The sound rushed out, maybe the same way water rushed into you lungs. It was quick but painful.
*I despise the careless kid, and that dog of a police.*
And after every nightmare, I will wake up gasping, as if I almost drowned. And my eyes swell up with tears, like the ocean in my nightmare is trying to make itself real.
Drop by drop. Little by little. An ocean will form and maybe I could die too.
And then the next day, or maybe even during the night of the nightmare, i will head out and go to the beach. I will stand by the shore, and listen to the real water, listen to the howling of the wind, of the sand beneath my feet, of the sound of a car falling into the sea. But that's just probably in my head.
I will stand there and I will remember the day I saw your vehicle avoid hitting that kid. How it rammed againt the railings, but the railings were long ago broken and weak, and so your car dived straight to the sea.
The rescuers saw your car. But they did not see you. They brought the car up, but you were not inside. You were left in the waters, somewhere deep and cold and black. It must've been so painful, to drown, to die.
I wish I would go blind, so i could at least know what it's like to be part dead. There's already the ocean in my head, I drown every evening from the repeated dreams. I feel cold, I feel dead. All that's missing is the blindnes, and the burn of my lungs, and my heart dying in my chest.
But you told me, years ago, that if death starts to take control of my head. I should look up. Look at the sky, even if it's ugly i should look up. And if it's beautiful and bright, it's all the more reason I should look up. I should breathe, I should not let myself drown.
And so for as long as I could. I'll live. for you I'll live, even if the water is beckoning me to stay beneath, I'll try to runw away from it... And live.
****ENDING NOTES****: Hello guys! As you might have noticed, this story of mine is kind of different from the first two fiction stories I posted here. It's because I have written this in a prose way! I find this easier to do when I am having a writer's block hehe. Did you like it? : D I would love to read your opinions about it : D
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/lullaby-of-sleep-or-of-something-else-227fd7e7
https://read.cash/@joow/beneath-my-fingertips-is-a-world-i-dream-of-12e28342
https://read.cash/@joow/in-my-head-theres-a-reel-fbebb9d1
https://read.cash/@joow/the-fictional-life-of-joow-prologue-a30ff376
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Picking up glasses
https://pin.it/6xgij1C
taking medicine
https://pin.it/35ZeDgE
feet on water
https://pin.it/3Wyr20c
a bright sky
https://pin.it/1elPh3k
lead image: train handles
https://pin.it/7uAPfAU
beneath my fingertips is a world i dream of.
To be in a place where no one knows you is the kind of dream I want to have. But I am still a student, and our life has always been in the city where we know people who can help us. So for now, the dream that I have cannot come true just yet.
But places like this, a site where you can live and share your life without the necessity of people knowing you personally, is enough. At least for now as I wait for my main dream to come true.
I will settle for sites like read cash. Sites where I can share my thoughts are like a whole new world to me. A world where I can share what I do in the real world and also make up scenarios and stories for other to enjoy as well.
Although, this cannot happen in the real world, you cannot live more than one life. But in blogging sites, you can live a life that is not just your own.
*I can create a world here.* I can choose what I can become, I can choose what the world I have would look like, I can choose how the world will spin, and I can choose what kind of people lives in it.
In the real world, the city smells of smoke. But in the world i will make, the city smells of flowers and the vehicles runs with use of water as fuel. The city will no longer smell of slow death and cancer, it would smell of the kind of place I would like to live in. In the world I will make, I might no longer have the wish to move away and be alone.
Because in my own version of earth, people will be kind; they do not judge you silently in their heads, when something is wrong they will let you know without making you feel small. The people in my world, are my kind of people; not prideful, and sees everyone as their equal.
Sometimes I wish that the real world could be manipulated into a better place like what I can do with my written works.
But, it's not that easy.
The change has to start with me and you but not everyone would want to do that- and I can't force them and the whole world to shift. So I will stick with writing. I will create what i want to see, what I want to have.
And writing, while I cannot live in a faraway place surrounded with nature just yet, will be enough.
At least for now.
***ENDING THOUGHTS:*** Don't you think it's nice that we can have our own safe place just with a few scribbles? Although we cannot build a clone of us in this world to walk around, it's still nice to have ourselves and dream. And when things get a little too much, we can pause and pray and live in our litlle bubble of imagination before facing the world again.
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/i-just-want-to-go-home-and-escape-your-stares-89233b90
https://read.cash/@joow/in-my-head-theres-a-reel-fbebb9d1
https://read.cash/@joow/lullaby-of-sleep-or-of-something-else-227fd7e7
https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f
**IMAGE SOURCES**
girl under the stars
https://pin.it/7JoUKl6
turning world
https://pin.it/3CrQeNt
cat in an arcade
https://pin.it/77kbDTV
lead image: rainbow from a heart container.
https://pin.it/18Hbu7K
I just want to go home, and escape your stares.
I know that I am not attractive. I don't have the kind of face that people would want to stare at whole day long. I don't have the petite body that seems to be the only body type acceptable these days. I don't even have the kind of voice that would make someone fall in love with me real quick. I am not attractive.
But despite this fact. I still feel like I am being watched. Not in a way that they admire me, but more of curiosity and raised brows. I caught a few people looking at me before. They look when I walk in the grocery, when I fall in line to pay food and things I buy, and even when I am just sitting down.They look.
They don't have a camera in their hands, but i know that the invisible ones are better than the real equipment. They use their eyes, and take pictures of me or record me and store everything in their minds. And in their heads, there will be a voice of a narrator, talking about how I am badly dressed, how I don't even try to make myself look pretty, how I am so fat.
Of course I wouldn't know if this is true, I wouldn't know what the real reason is why they follow me with their gazes. But my mind, the one with a hand stained with ink, is telling me that i am the star of their documentaries in their heads. And the show is called: The Ugly Fat Folk.
I don't know if I should be impressed with the way my mind conjures up things, or should I be scared with how far I could let my brain to hurt me with made up mockery.
Either way, I just stand still. If I catch them looking, I will not look at their direction again. If I feel eyes at the back of my neck, I will not check. I'll just try to stand in my full height. Straighten my back, lick my chapped lips, and pretend not to know anything.
But while I do that, of course that's the moment when my mind would throw the imaginary hate and ridicule people have for me.
It isn't obvious on the outside, as I stand there or walk with my head ducked down. It's not obvious, but my heart already beats so fast- as if I participated a race. It isn't obvious, but my hands are cold and sweaty. I am 165 cm tall, taller than usual, and I am fat too. But I am feeling small. Like I was put in a clear jar, like i am an insect being examined.
When that feeling comes, in my head, I already am rehearsing the steps and routes I will take to avoid eyes. If only there's a choice where people don't exist, or where people just look at the clothes they want to buy and food they want to eat, or where people are blind and couldn't see me, I would choose that path.
But of course those do not exist. What exist are the complete opposite, and it makes me feel sick somehow. Makes me want to puke.
But I would fight the feeling even if all that i want to do is call my mom and pick me up. But what am i supposed to tell her? That people and their eyes bother me? That I wish they were blind so they won't look at me and so my brain would stop calling me ugly?
If I told her that, i would only sound childish. And the people would have more reason to stare.
*I do not want anyone lookng at me. Stop looking at me!*
But I wouldn't say that out loud. All that chaos will remain in my head. All that they should see is calm, and a fat lady who doesn't know how to dress. That's all. And so I'll just mind my own business as I try to secure the box of panic inside my head. I will walk and walk, slow then fast, but won't run. I don't want them to have more reasons to watch.
I just want to go home, and hide, and put my guard down. I do not want to be the main character of a sad story in strangers' heads. I do not want them to even remember me. Not when I am ugly and not when I am looked upon like...I'm made of the ugliest materials in the world.
They don't look at me like that though. They just follow me with their gazes. And it's just my mind who suggests of the ugly things strangers could possible think of me. And it feels so real it hurts my guts.
*It makes me fear the world sometimes.*
Hello, thank you for reading this article. This is kind of a vent out, and a description of how i feel sometimes when i am outside. I hope it wasn't too heavy for you :(
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/lullaby-of-sleep-or-of-something-else-227fd7e7
https://read.cash/@joow/in-my-head-theres-a-reel-fbebb9d1
https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Fixing camera
https://pin.it/KrMV3YH
lipstick
https://pin.it/w0QPOGG
telephone
https://pin.it/2DwBuk3
flipping book
https://pin.it/gmjYTsa
timer: lead image
https://pin.it/1RzhVHO
In My Head There's A Reel
There are two kinds of mornings that I like. First, the kind when the sun is up and bright, but the air is cool enough to cause me to bundle up. Second, the cold rainy mornings when frogs sing from their homes, when there is fog on the streets, and when it's 7 am but it feels like the time is stuck at 5 am.
The first kind of morning reminds me of fun days at school, my friends waiting at me at the hallway in front of the library. All of us wear fluffy looking sweaters, the ones that rarely come out of the closet.
The second kind of morning, reminds me of an assortment of things. Sometimes of the day I failed my test in math, sometimes of mornings when I am sick and can't get out of bed, and sometimes of scenes from books i read where i become the main character.
When those kind of memories come, I feel like my bed turns into some kind of a travelling machine. Because even when my eyes are open, i would be transported to a different time and space and everyting is vivid, like a dream. Right in front of my very eyes. But, it's only me who sees the reel of course, not anyone else.
This morning, it's like that.
It's cold and foggy and drizzling a bit when I woke up. My eyes stare at the wall while I lay on my side. But instead of my pale yellow wall, what i see is the outside of a running bus. The streets are wet, there are students and workers and children walking on the sidewalks, umbrellas protecting them from the pouring rain. The bus even passed by a shed where a grandma sits there alone, plastic cup beside her, waiting for spare change to be dropped there.
In the reel that plays in front of my eyes, I could see and almost feel that the space beside me is unoccupied. Both the space in my bed, and the seat I have beside me in the bus. Instead of the pillow I was hugging this morning, there's a bag on my lap. It carries something like a potato chip bag, because when I hug it closer to me, a crinkling sound could be heard inside.
It's probably my snack for later, because in that reel I was on the way to the highest tower in the city. I will climb the very top, sit on the very edge and watch the city live in front of me. Usually, even if cement and glass dominates everywhere you turn your head to, the city still looks lively. But today, i knew that the city would look dead.
There will be workers, and busy shops and bustling streets, but the city would look dead and weeping because of the rain.
And because I knew I would just get disappointed, I cut off the reel playing in my head. I turned on my bed to twist and turn to face the window of my room. The window of the real world just shows the grey sky, nothing else.
I have exams in an hour, but I didn't want to stand yet, didn't want to face reality yet. So I shifted from this world, and back to the reel in my head. In that reel, I continued my journey in the bus. But instead of stopping by the 4th bus stop from here, i hopped off the vehicle at the stop nearest to us.
In the reel, even if I am not familiar of the place, I still got out of the bus, I still walked through the neighborhood. And as i do so, I was hoping that something nice would happen. Something that would make me feel better after my plan of watching a supposedly happy city had failed.
Back to reality, I was sniffing my nose, Like i have allergies. And the word 'allergy' must have triggered something in my mind. back to the reel, out of the corner of my vision, a cat appeared, waiting for me and sitting by the rock stairs.
Luckily, the stairs are beneath a shed, and so it remained safe from the rain and damp.
The cat goes on all fours, does the stretch that all cats do. And then goes back to sitting down. I went near to it and the cat meowed, happy to have someone to accompany him. I crouched in front of the cat and started to put the soft fur- it just feels like the fur of my teddy bear. The real me had to concentrate so hard just so my version in the reel could enjoy the cat's fur, and so the cat could enjoy my petting too.
And, this simple thing made me happy. In reality I am smiling, and in the reel i am smiling too. I sat down on the step beside the cat and brought out the chips in my bag.
And then the reel stopped. I stopped seeing the reel me and started living as the real me. The me who has an exam, the me who is still on bed, the me who is now happy and ready to face the world because I had a fun time in a fake space.
***CONCLUSION***: You see, the things that we want may or may not happen according to our plans. If things go smoothly, then good. iIf things turn to a different way, it's also okay. Because i believe the things that didn't happen aren't meant for us. And if it didn't happen and if it's not meant for us, then that just means we also didn't miss out on anything. I keep that in mind and things got better. If things didn't happen according to plans, I believe that good things will still come. Just like a cat coming out of nowhere : D
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f
https://read.cash/@joow/lullaby-of-sleep-or-of-something-else-227fd7e7
https://read.cash/@joow/the-fictional-life-of-joow-prologue-a30ff376
https://read.cash/@joow/red-and-the-magical-forest-9a4b782e
**IMAGE SOURCES**
gloomy room
https://pin.it/1VLg1Qy
bus ride
https://pin.it/2gGSdav
cat on stairs
https://pin.it/2idPB8K
lead image
https://pin.it/6LQwFyO
Tired of Facing the Same Problems
There was a day when I was sitting down, staring at my ceiling, when some things came to my mind. That day, I realized that I am not a good student. Well, at least not as good as people thought of me. I realized that when I cook, i eat too much. I sneak too much food into my mouth, like a raccoon stealing food. And when I cook and study or do anything, i always hold my phone. My phone is always on my hand and ready to distract me. It's like I won't make a day without my phone. And then, when I'm finally holding onto my chest because of how shocked i am of the realizations, one more thing came to mind. I am too big.
I have problems in different aspects of my life. And they aren't just light ones, they seem light but these are the things that if not stopped, they could ruin a future. These must be fixed.
****SOLUTION FOR THE ACADEMIC PROBLEM****
Studying is a fun thing for me to do. Although I get lazy often, I still find it fun whenever I get into it. Studying makes me feel like I can do good things as a student. When i open my modules and read, I imagine that i am in a library learning alongside students who are topping their classes, who have medals and certificates on their walls. I imagine I am one of the gifted people in the field of academics because it makes me want to study more so that I can keep my imaginary rank at the top.
And another reason I do this is because I know for a fact that I am doing badly, that I am not being a good student. I am lazy at times and I hate participating in extracurricular activities. i don't like group tasks and I sometimes pass my works with answers that do not make sense. And so, to stop being a bad student, I made up an imaginary version of myself, an imaginary scene where i am some kind of a scholar, maybe in Harvard. So far it helps. Fake it until you make it.
****SOLUTION FOR EATING PROBLEM****
I think it no longer has to be mentioned that i love to eat. Why else would i sneak food into my mouth while prepping a meal for the family? There are times that i stop because I listen to the voice that tells me to stop. But sometimes--most of the time-- I ignore it. Sometimes I don't hear anything, like the voice has gotten tired of reminding me of what to do. But I know that the voice hasn't gone away. it's still there, it's just that the laughter of the selfishness has gotten louder.
I actually haven't thought of a solution for this one. But I have a few ideas in mind. One that would make use of my competitiveness. You see, I perform well when there's ranking involved; I perform well because I don't wanna be put last, I always want to be one of the best. And so, I have this plan that I am going to make a competition for myself. Between the side of me who has self-control, and the side of me who only thinks of eating.
In this said competition, of course, i will have to play the role of the side of me who has self-control. That side of me has to win. If it loses, then there should be a consequence. Something that I would not want to happen, preferably something I despise. And the consequence is? I don't know yet. I should think of something that i will do, and not cheat and skip it if I lose.
Aside from that trick to myself, I have nothing else yet. I have to think of a plan B just in case the original plan won't work.
****SOLUTION FOR THE CELLPHONE PROBLEM****
Do I really have a solution for this one? Of course I have. But will I be able to actually follow my own rules this time? When i set an alarm or a timer for the phone to remain untouched, will I get to finish the time? Or if I tell myself not to go online, will I be patient enough? Am I not gonna think of excuses, of sudden things to do online just to go there again?
These questions to myself, it sounds like I am speaking to someone who is addicted to their gadget. Maybe it doesn't just sound like it. Maybe I already am addicted to my phone. Such a pity, 22 and already a prisoner of her phone.
I do not need my phone controlling my life, I need myself to be the one to control this gadget. I need to be the one in control of the things around me. But how?
*Simple. I just have to be strict with myself.*
When there is a timer that is meant for my phone and my eyes to rest, then I should strictly follow it. I should look for something else to, something important and something that would make my time worth it and not wasted.
When i hold my phone, I should make sure to finish everything important first before leisure. This way, I will no longer be able to bring up n excuse to have a peek in facebook. And that peek would turn into one video, two videos, until I already forget that i should be away the internet.
Self control, patience, and knowing what your priority is will be the answer to this problem of mine.
****SOLUTION FOR MY WEIGHT PROBLEM****
I got fat because I am often bored. When I am bored, I entertain myself by eating. I eat and eat and eat until i have two rolls of fat on my tummy. Until my pants no longer fit me, until all my shirts are 3 times bigger than my previous ones.
I got so big to the point that i will feel shy if people see me eat outside, i get shy when people look at me, I get shy embarrassed when I sit and my shirt cannot hide my fats. And I am tired of being fat, I am tired of being shy.
I need to start helping myself. I need to save my own life because I could die young if I get any bigger. I cannot die young.. The solution? keep myself occupied, I should fight the urge to eat, and of course exercise.
My knees are weak, my shoulders and elbows do clicking noise when I move around in ways that i don't usually do. But that is not an excuse for me to not exercise.
And so, instead of the regular exercise that people do--the kind where they do push ups and crunshes and leg lifting--I will just do a 30 minute indoor walk. I have tried this before, and it helped me. But this time, I must not be discouraged of the slow progress. I should put in my head that slow progress is still progress. i should be happy, i should be thankful.
****CONCLUSION****
I have problems in different aspects of my life. But these have solutions, if they don't have then these aren't problems. All I have to do, all that everyone who has problems must do, is to work on it patiently. Trust the process, have self control, and learn to discipline yourself. And everything will work well.
*Thank you very much for reading this article of mine! I was a little shy to share this. But then I thought, this help others too. :>*
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/red-and-the-magical-forest-9a4b782e
https://read.cash/@joow/the-fictional-life-of-joow-prologue-a30ff376
https://read.cash/@joow/lullaby-of-sleep-or-of-something-else-b745aa4c
https://read.cash/@joow/keep-knocking-but-i-wont-open-the-door-dc1be893
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Highlighting
https://pin.it/BZBCPjN
chopping vegetables
https://pin.it/RkAz0Vi
cellphone
https://pin.it/6vhMUyQ
walking
https://pin.it/1J6KFaf
lead image
https://pin.it/5znoRii
February 08, 2022
5:28 pm.
Hello people of read.cash! Ah, I was not able to post an article yesterday because I got so busy and tired. There were school activities and I was also a bit lazy yesterday. But today, I have two articles in mind in order to make up with the missed opportunity yesterday. They're not gonna be super long, just a decent lengthed article will be enough :>
I hope that you guys will read them both! That is if i will be able to submit 2 today. Let's hope that I will make it!
The Fictional Life of Joow: Prologue.
Remember what I have mentioned before, about creating a fictional verion of my life? If you aren't familiar with it, then you might want to take a few minutes to read this article. Because right now, I will start sharing a fictional version of my day. https://read.cash/@joow/possible-new-content-of-my-page-344bff0f
But before that, let me share with you what happened to my weekend.
Well, my sunday was spent mainly for leisure. I read a book, I discovered a new band, I talked a lot with my online friends, and I even downloaded a new game. It was fun today. And I think these activities are enough for me to be able to write a short fictional article. So here it goes!
**THE FICTIONAL LIFE OF JOOW: PROLOGUE**
***Chapte title****: Is this day any special?*
I opened my eyes, and the first thing that came to my mind is to check my phone, visit social media. And, it's wrong. Social media shouldn't be the first thing I think of, I should think of responsibilities and the fact that today is a Sunday, the last day that i won't be busy. Because tomorrow, school will take over my time again. And so no, I shouldn't have thought of the internet.
But of course i was't this logical the first hour I woke up. Because I proceeded to go to facebook and check my notifications. An hour or two was wasted doing that only. I only jumped out of bed when i saw that it was almost 11 am and i am still bundled up in blankets.
I stretched, and looked around my room. It's a mess-thrown shorts here and there and even a damp towel by the foot of my bed. I think mom is right that i wouldn't survive living alone in a big city. That i cannot handle independence yet. But i think that i already am as i kick a crumpled up paper under my bed. That trash joined a lone sock, accumulayted dust, and a few empty bags of chips. It's a mess.
On the to do list i made last night, jotted down on the *'important section'* are 2 modules and an article for the company i sideline at must be finished today. But i don't have the mood for it. The window shows a busy street below, a cloudless sky above, and the top of a giant green tree that shows on the 3rd floor of the building I am renting at. This day screams of unproductivity; those tasks could wait.
And so it's what i did the whole day, unproductive stuff. I ate too much cereal and drank too much milk. I listened to this japanese rock band while showeringi spent too long in the shower and used too much water. I played a new game while pooping, an RPG my friend suggested. And then I headed out to meet my friends for a cup of coffee. And also for bread.
It was fun. I didn't get to finish the things I should finish. But it was fun. I think it doesn't really matter how my day goes as long as the fun is present. Which makes me ponder while i now lay on my bed.
What makes this weekend any special, when all the days of my life since i moved out is themed as leisure?
Hm, maybe it's just the fact that it's a weekend. But any other day is the same. Unproductivity and leisure is the theme.
***That's the prologue!*** It's short, but I think it explained my day.
In my fictional life, I live alone in my own apartment in a big city. I made it like that because it's what I hope in the real life. To live alone and have my own space.
And my character in the story is a little careless. Okay let's be honest, the character was irresponsible, happy go lucky, kinda reckless too. And I made her like that because I was kind of like that before. And I wanna show you how I was, and show you in the following chapters how I was able to get out of that phase.
This is what this series is about, show you about my life mixed with the kind of life I wish to have, and also mixed with a bit of extra details just to give more excitement to the series. And I am excited to write this one, i hope that you are too!
For now, I will have to end my article. I typed this in 11 pm and my mother is not happy about it. *Good bye and take care!*
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Mugs of coffee
https://pin.it/DAx9oGM
cozy cats
https://pin.it/60SAm3q
slushie
https://pin.it/2gXxFO0
mp3player
https://pin.it/2RQiZr3
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/possible-new-content-of-my-page-344bff0f
https://read.cash/@joow/lullaby-of-sleep-or-of-something-else-b745aa4c
https://read.cash/@joow/red-and-the-magical-forest-9a4b782e
https://read.cash/@joow/keep-knocking-but-i-wont-open-the-door-dc1be893
Lullaby of sleep or of something else.
I lay on my bed, eyes trained on the ceiling and I wonder when will the winged creature show up again? The clock on the wall reads 2:54 am, which means I still have about 6 minutes before it shows up. It usually passes through my ceiling around 3 am, when it thinks I am asleep while curled up in my blanket. Both that creature and my mom must have poor eyesight to not catch on the soft glow off my phone under the blanket, that I am still awake observing noises.
I don't sleep early, I spend hours and hours browsing through my phone, not wanting to sleep. And that winged creature who passes through my ceiling and proceeds to hide under my bed? I am not sure if it's real, or my mind has finally reached its limit, and now its playing games with me. But tonight, with my phone camera angled to the ceiling and half my face peeking over my orange blanket, I will know if the creature is real or not.
I glanced at the wall, 2:58 am. two more minutes.
I wiggled my socked toes, wiggled a bit to hide from the cold seeping through the gap of my window, and rested my back against the wall. I would not say that I am afraid, but it felt safer this way. Keep your back away from your enemies, one of my books said.
I could almost hear the ticking of the remaining seconds as the hand of the clock moved to say 2:59 am. One more minute, or to be exact, 45 seconds left. My throat suddenly felt dry, my heart now hammering against my chest, as if it wants to escape, not wanting to be part of this ridiculous experiment that I have suddenly thought of. My hand shakes and the tremor traveled to my phone. I hope the video quality is still okay.
Finally…3:00 am. But nothing happened.
The ceiling remained as it is, dark and covered with shadows. Should I sit up and check? What if it came out early and now it’s under my bed? I wonder if my mom could hear the pounding of my heart— since she has sensitive hearing and she sleeps just beside my room. She says that I am now 12 and I shouldn’t sleep with her beside me anymore. Mom says that I am now a big girl—big girls are not afraid of the dark.
I shouldn’t be afraid of the dark. And so even if my knees are wobbling, even if my insides feel like they’re in a tight knot, I threw my blanket off from me. But for a few seconds, I just stayed on bed with eyes locked on the ceiling, then at the open window, at the closet door, then back at the ceiling. I let the nervousness come and go, I wait until the darkness of my room feels safe, without any harm and secrets.
“I am not afraid,” I reminded myself in a whisper, hand clutching onto my bunny plushie. I swallowed, sat up on my bed, and started humming under my breath to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star—doing this doesn’t mean I am a coward, I just feel safer. And anyway, ff there isn’t any creature to show up after I turn on the lights, then that just means there aren’t any monsters—I am not sure if it’s a monster, though what else could it be?
I got off from my bed to put my phone on my side table, it stands leaning against my lampshade to take a video of the whole room. After I made sure that it wouldn’t slide down, I did a little run towards the light switch, just beside my door. I patted on the wall, searching for the switch— but my door suddenly opened; a little forced. I let out a sound of surprise, my bunny fell to the floor, I didn’t pick it up yet. I was frozen on the spot as I look at my mother, watching me with a smile with half her body hidden from behind the door.
“Sweetie,” she drawls in a sweet voice, “why are you still up?”
“I wanted to pee,” I lied, and looked away from her. I couldn’t bear to look at my mom for too long because she’s smiling too widely—teeth and gums on display. Mother never smiles like that, or at least I have never seen her smile like that. I glanced at my closet with discomfort, and to my fear, its door is ajar. I shuffled on the spot as I try to recall if it was open a while ago or not. But my mother doesn’t seem to like the attention not on her, for I heard my mother click her tongue, sounding disappointed.
“Lying now, aren’t we?” she says.
And something unexpected happened. Something that I wish was just a very, very bad dream.
The door opened wider, and my mother entered my room in slow heavy steps. But it wasn’t my mom. The winged creature with the silicone mask of my mother’s face entered. And I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t move.
Big girls should not be afraid. Big girls are brave.
But I think I am not a big girl yet, I thought of that while I peed on my pants, while I whimper in fear. I wish I didn’t drop my bunny, I need something to hold onto. I wish I didn’t stay up for too long, I wish I just slept! I wish I am big girl!
I gathered all the bravery I could muster up, all my strength too, and reached for the switch. Luckily, my finger hit it. Then the moment the lights were on, the creature which was advancing towards me just a blink of an eye ago is now gone. But the door is still open, which means it was actually here a while ago. My pants are cold because of the wind cooling my pee, and the closet door is now shut closed.
I picked up my bunny, my bunny who didn’t feel even a droplet of fear, who knows that I am 12 years old and is still a little girl afraid of monsters pretending to be my mother. I ran to my bed, not caring if my sheets will be wet with my pants. I covered my whole body with my blanket, I am still feeling nervous and afraid, but the light helps me calm down. Mom said I should turn off the lights while sleeping, but mom also told me to do me best to keep myself safe. I think the light could protect me—from the monster awhile ago, and from the monster who hides under the blanket with me.
I didn’t check my bed before going in. I didn’t check what could be under my blankets. And now, I am sleeping with a monster beside me. But I am big girl. I shouldn’t scream. I should not be afraid. But just like what I do every night, I must pretend to be asleep. I should not move.
“You are a big girl,” the monster with slimy skin told me, it is using the voice of my mother. “You shouldn’t be afraid. We should sleep. Was the wait worth it?
I didn’t dare answer, but how I wish I could say no.
I don’t know if I fell asleep to the hum of this creature, or to the exhaustion of pretending that no one’s beside me, singing me to sleep.
The clock reads 5:00, and her alarm blared. It rang and rang until her mother got up and turned the alarm of her daughter off. When she’s done, a notification popped up on her daughter’s screen, it says memory full. The phone’s system suggested to delete the biggest file, which was the video from last night. Her mother looked at her daughter’s sleeping form, the sheets all dirty with slimy looking mud, but her mother doesn’t seem bothered. What she did was change her daughter’s blankets and pants, like nothing bad ever happened last night. And then, she deleted the footage of last night without a care. She then left the room, and prepared breakfast.
what do you guys think happened? Why was the mother like that? ;)
Anyway, this is my second short story guys! I had fun playing with this one and it's my first time writing something so long! I hope that you will enjoy this as much as I did!
MY PREVIOUS ARTICLES
https://read.cash/@joow/keep-knocking-but-i-wont-open-the-door-dc1be893
https://read.cash/@joow/red-and-the-magical-forest-9a4b782e
https://read.cash/@joow/how-to-rid-of-the-bad-feeling-joow-way-90cf88f4
How to rid of the bad feeling: joow way.
There are some days when it feels like it would be wrong to not wake up early, and there are also these days when it feels wrong to wake up early, as if you are depriving your body of rest even if you already had a complete 8-hour sleep. Today feels different, today it feels neither of the two which i have just mentioned.
I woke up an hour late compared to my usual wake up time, it's late but it felt both right and wrong, and i can't seem to point out what is wrong but there is definitely something gonna happen today. Something that i will not like. My gut is always correct about these kind of feelings.
I don't want to entertain it, I don't want to face it. I must do something to get rid of whatever bad is going to happen today.
Well anyway, I will not dwell on that feeling and let's just talk about the things I wish to accomplish today. Doing this blog will help me relax, and the following activities might also help me guard my peace so that the unwanted event will not happen.
The things I want to do are both academic and leisure related (both will distract me) because it's a Friday today! A day where work and leisure may come together without a problem.
*here are the things that i wish to do today:*
read 2 chapters of Six of Crows
read my modules for my exam tomorrow
read at least 3 articles here on read cash
clean my room
**SIX OF CROWS**
This is my favorite book as of the moment. It's about thieves and the government and some other fantasy stuff. I just finished reading chapter 4 of this book so it's not action packed yet. But the chapters that I read are already good and it got me hooked! I am so glad that i found this story, because it brought me back to my old world of reading books. After this one, I might look for another book to read!
**REVIEW FOR THE EXAM**
Tomorrow is a Saturday but our teacher on Computer Mediated Communications decided to schedule our exam on that date even if it's supposed to be our rest day. I am not happy about it but there's nothing that I can do. I just have to accept the fact that one day of rest day is removed, adjustments are needed sometimes. And because of that, instead of sleeping and doing nothing, I need to open my work folder and study.
**READ ARTICLES OF READ CASH**
I've been around noise cash for about a year ow, and yet this month have I only become active here on read cash. i used to avoid this site because I was lazy back then. The articles are long and I also though that most of the articles here are just about the crypto world. Turns out I am wrong. There are other stuff here are as well which i found enjoyable. Like reading short stories, people's opinions about certain celebrations, and even someone's story about their romantic relationship. Now that i realized this, I kind of regret now not exploring read cash a year ago. If I did, I must've published so many articles already.
**CLEAN MY ROOM**
I feel like a clean room will also be helpful to make my mood brighter today. A Clean room will probably attract good vibes and then the good vibes will fill my being so that negative thing my gut is insisting to happen will no longer have room to ruin my day. Also my room is a little messy because i did not have the energy to work and clean, I was busy at school and busy reading the Six of Crows. This day though, I ahve to give attention to my room
Those are the things I wanna do today. They're not a lot but they'll probably take so much of my time. But it's okay, the longer I keep myself occupied, the longer i will not be able to notice the lingering bad thing. I hope that it won't happen, and that everyone in this home will be in a good mood. i don't like yelling.
I will now end my article, i might post another one later this evening, or tomorrow evening. Depending on how much extra time I will have. Bye for now!
PREVIOUS ARTICLES
https://read.cash/@joow/keep-knocking-but-i-wont-open-the-door-dc1be893
https://read.cash/@joow/red-and-the-magical-forest-23cea160
https://read.cash/@joow/you-need-not-to-be-perfect-just-start-027f1990
Possible new content of my page
There is this thing that I do on noise cash when I couldn't think of something to post. I get a picture from pinterest, and then i use it as a prompt to make a mini post about my life. But it's not 100% about my life, because it's gonna be about an imaginary life in which i put myself into. And I am planning to do this here on read cash as well.
But instead of mini posts, it's gonna be longer plus it would seem like a chaptered story. I don't have a final name yet for this project yet, But i have a few choices.
*1. The Fictional Life of Joow*
*2. What happened*
*3. Inside the World of Joow.*
The first one and the third one sounds like an academic essay more than a fun story. And the second one sounds too serious.
I don't know what to name it yet. But my posts will revolve around about my life and what happens in it daily, butwith modifications here and there. This is only to make my life seem more interesting. Because I can't just post here about the things that happen to me daily. If I do that, it's going to be boring. Since what I do every day is the same.
I wake up, do my journal, post on noise, scroll through my social media, eat, study, cook, study, read, sleep. That is all I do everyday. Boring right?
And so I decided to make a blog with a bit of a twist. And I think it's going to be fun! What do you think about it?
But don't worry, at the very beginning I'll share the plain version of my day. And then there will be a divider wherein the modified version will be posted.
I am excited for this one because this is like painting, but insead of colors I will be using words! I hope that people will enjoy it too :>
Lead image
https://pin.it/4B2lbRx
Keep knocking, but I won't open the door
Every now and then, the thought about the future visits my mind, no matter what time it is of the day, it will come. The thoughts feel like an unwanted call from an individual I can't just turn down. And so just like any othr unwanted calls, I let it go on and on until the phone stops ringing, until my head stops ringing.
While I wait for the thoughts to die down, or get tired of pestering me, I do other tasks so that I can distract myself from the wonders and problems wanting to form. I answer modules and read the hardest parts over and over again. Or I listen to music and have a mini concert in the back of my mind. I am on a stage, doing some hard k-pop choreography. Or listen to disney songs and pretend to be an opera singer wearing a disney princess gown.
There are other things that I do just to ignore the call, the knocking in my skull, the grinning temptation to just sit down and entertain the thoughts. I'd do anything to not think of them.
By now, you must be wondering why I am describing it this way, like those are bad things. Well, they aren't, but they are persistent and they make my head hurt and my hands itch to do something I can't.
And the reason why I do not want to entertain them again is because they don't change. They are always the same. Same questions with same answers and sometimes the same questions which I cannot answer just yet.
One of the thoughts revolve around me finally graduating. And then it's more of a question rather than a happy moment thinking that I am finally free of schoolworks to do. It's more like a question of "then what?"
I don't know what's gonna happen yet. I have no idea what job i could possibly have. I have no idea what my grades will be, what kind of exams I will pass, if I will pass or fail and if I fail what then? And because I cannot answer that question, another scene would play. It's me still living with my parents even if I have already graduated. I live with them, but I don't have a job. The question comes again, "then what?" What's gonna happen? My parents cannot work forever because one day, just like everything that has breath on this earth, they'll die. And when it happens, then what? What's to happen next?
They cannot die working. They deserve to retire and have a peaceful life. To do what they want; garden, and listen to music, and care for little dogs, and sleep in a comfortable home. But how will those happen if I don't have a job?
These are the kind thoughts that I used to entertain that I do not want to enteratain again. I mean it's good that we plan, of course it's good. But the plans that we have will sometimes prosper, and sometimes fail. When these kind of uncertainties come, I pray that everything will be fine. And I know that the plans of the Lord are for the good. And that is why I do not want to entertain my thoughts again. Well because, sometimes they're the opposite of good.
Actually often times, my imagination will turn a sharp left and then a very dark reel will play in my head. The kind of dark that will make me imagine the worst of the worst case scenarios ever. It includes death, and more death and the death will be more and more violent. The thoughts were friendly in the very beginning but now they got evil and turned into a dark ugly cloud. It's not fun to entertain them.
And so now you know why I don't wanna entertain my thoughts. Because they're repetetive and could turn a very bad thing the longer I let them roam in my head. I don't know why they turn like that, maybe because I am a very nervous lady and I like to imagine things and my imagination doesn't really care if it'll scare me or not.
So I would rather imagine myself as one of the best dancers to ever exist and that entertainment companies fight over me. I would rather imagine that silly thing than death and the foggy future. At least the fun imagination will keep me grounded, and still be in the present. I may be floating around, but I am still in the present. It's better that way.
And thankfully, I found a new way to distract myself, and that is by reading a book that I find interesting. It is called the six of crows and it's kind of a fantasy book. I might talk about it here soon, when I get in the exciting parts. And then aside from reading a book, I also find it entertaining to write articles for read cash and also mini blogs for noise. It's nice.
And I believe, this will conclude my article of the day. Which only talks about what happens in my mind and how I try to minimize the headache it would cause. Thank you very much for reading this, and I would love to read your comments if you guys ever experience the same thing as I do!
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Ringing phone
https://pin.it/Ua4AsNm
wiggly legs
https://pin.it/1v8Vt3V
moving vehicle
https://pin.it/2coYwWG
lead image
https://pin.it/3KpxLjd
Red and The Magical Forest
Once upon a time, there is a young girl named Red. She lives in a simple cottage with her mother and father and one little sister. Red is 16 years old and her sister is half her age.
On a Friday afternoon, Red was told to visit her grandmother and send her a basket of freshly baked bread, like what they do weekly. There was a round bread, a long bread, and also rectangular one. All the breads were the soft ones because her grandma was already old, and her teeth are already loose.
"You must make sure to go out early, while the sun is there to guide your way," her mother handed her the basket after Red has worn her red cloak. "And don't go through the magic forest."
Red nodded while eyeing the knife on the table. "Yes mother," she says even if she didn't really pay attention to what her mother says, and looked away from the knife to look at her mother instead.
Red is contemplating whethter she should bring the knife or not. But she thinks, what danger could she possibly face while on the way to her granny? She's been there multiple times before and never faced any creature that she might use her knife for.
So she left the house without the knife, ready to bring the bread to her grandma.
While walking, she remembers, even if she's already went to her granny's house multiple times before, she's never really used the route of the magic forest. She's adventurous and strong, and she hasn't fully explored her skills. It's always the ordinary plain road of their village that she uses and the excitement is no longer there. Also, their village has the kind of road which will make your eyes teary on a windy day because of how dusty the concrete is. And it is where Red is currently walking right now, on the plain dusty road she really wants to walk off from.
The sky is still blue and the sunlight is already golden, signifying the early afternoon. Red looks down at the basket, and sees the bread peeking from the raised edges of the cloth covering the pastries.
She thinks to herself, she can't possibly let her grandma eat something peppered with road dust right? That would be just cruel, to feed an old woman, or anyone, bread with dirt! And so, despite the constant nagging of her mother's voice in her head, she turns on her heel and went to walk to the route she's never walked to before.
To the magic forest.
If she walks fast enough, little Red estimates that she'd reach her grandma's house before sunset, before the sky bleeds a dark blue.
And so she walked and walked through the path of the forest. Her left and right are trees and the deeper she gets into the forest, the thicker the trees and the leaves grow above of her head. And soon enough, the sky is no longer visible and is replaced by a ceiling of dense leaves.
Red started to get worried and thinks she might be lost. She hasn't been around her before—but isn't that the point of an adventure? To go somewhere you don't know? But she's starting to see houses now, and so the worry stopped growing for a while.
She got so excited that she didn't hear the rustling of dead leaves somewhere behind her. When she reached the front of one of the houses, Red's worry came back double because the house is abandoned. It looks so old and ready to collapse at the softest blow of the wind. The red and blue paint chipping off from the wood, its wooden fences no longer serving their use of blocking away unwanted visitors because when Red placed a hand in the wooden planks, it collapsed under her touch.
Red gasped, backing away with surprise.
And then she walks some more and realized with great fear that all the houses looked the same kind of old. They are made of old wood, their roofs littered with holes and the window panes are broken glasses.
She walked and walked some more, and even if her heart is already ringing in her ears, Red finally noticed the rustling. At first it was just a soft sound. Like a rabbit skittered across the patch of dead grass to hide under a bush. But there aren't any bushes or rabbits when Red turned to check. She ignored the sound and walked again.
Now she admits to herself, it's not just the rustling sound that makes her nervous, but also the fact that she seems to be walking in circles for the past hour.
The small village of abandoned houses is already out of the woods, and the sky is visible again and it shows that it's already dark.
There comes the rustling again and Red didn't bother checking and just bolted to a run. The basket of bread jumping up and down from where it is hooked on the crook of her elbow. She runs and the sounds of rustling turned into the sound of stomping.
Something or someone is following Red. And she's now crying, her vision blurred with tears and her head covering blown by the wind. In her hurry, she tripped on a rock and went flying across the path which is covered with dead leaves and rotten apples and bones of…chicken?
She shrugged off the questions that started coming to her head and sat on the ground. She looked behind her, to see if there is anyone following her, but it's already dark, she couldn't see.
But the silhouette of the trees looked weird, like they grew even bigger, denser, and they are all looking at little Red and her scrapped knee. She let out a little whimper of fear, picked up the basket which luckily didn't spill the bread and got up. She was ready to run again, probably at the opposite direction to go back home, but the rustling started again.
And, as if magically, something caught the side of her eyes. She turned her head and sees the house of her grandma hidden behind big trees. She didn't even notice that she's finally reached her granny's house! Red didn't think twice and immediately jogged towards the large blue house. She knocked, and the door opened, and she entered. But inside was empty. The soft couch was not there, the coffee table was not there, and it was dark inside too.
What is happening!
Red took another step further into the house. Maybe grandma is just cleaning? But the door swung shut behind her, making Red squeak in surprise and turn around. She grabs the knob, turns and it didn't open. She tried again but the metal knob no longer felt like cold metal. It transformed right under her hand into a huge dead snail, slime coming out of its shell and going to Red's hand.
She pulled it off from the door and threw it behind her. But instead of loud clacking to the wooden floor, it hit something instead with a soft thud. Red followed what it hit and saw a gigantic wolf standing in the middle of the now lit living room. It was empty awhile ago, but now it has a long table in the middle with candles above it, formed into an elonagted circle, as if waiting for a sacrifice to be put in the midst of them.
The wolf jumped and picked Red up as if she weighs nothing, she thrashes in the animal's hold
and the basket fell to the floor and the breads came rolling out. Red thrashed some more but then suddenly there are thick roots of plants encircling her wrists and waist and ankles. The roots carried Red away from the wolf and laid her in the middle of the table, now being in the midst of the candles. Red cried, but she couldn't move. The flames of the candles surrounding her grew taller and the giant wolf started chanting in a language Red had not heard of before.
The roof of the old house got blown off by a strong wind and the candles dwindled and died. The table, which was flat awhile ago, started shifting its shape. Now Red is laid on a tree log, which is now slowly eating her up. The roots holding her down grew thicker and thicker until her whole body is covered with tree bark. She was now part of the log she lays at and slowly her face is being covered with the wood as well. Until there is no more trace of Red. Even the basket and the bread were eaten by the evil tree, and the wolf is nowhere to be seen.
The next day, the people of Red's village did a search when her granny came to their house in the evening. Her parents were wondering what the old woman was doing there, but their wonders were answered when the Grandmother told her parents that Red never came to give her the weekly bread.
They couldn't find Red. But they did find a strange looking tree in the entrance of the magic forest which everyone fears to enter. It is a small tree, as tall as Red, and it wears a red cloak that is horrifyingly similar with Red's
And at the sight of it, no words are needed to be spoken to know what happened to Red. And everyone took the blame, because no one bothered to fix the fallen signanage at the entry way of the forest. The signange which warns children, telling them not to enter the forest, or else the wolf guardian will get them, and sacrifice them to the hungry evil woods of the forest.
This is my very first short story here at Read cash, and I am so excited to share it with you! Thank you very much for your patience in reading this one. See you in my next article!
**PREVIOUS ARTICLES**
https://read.cash/@joow/you-need-not-to-be-perfect-just-start-939a450b
https://read.cash/@joow/we-are-the-ones-who-care-for-our-thoughts-0143a8c2
https://read.cash/@joow/my-day-in-the-last-day-of-january-2022-dbcac6e2
**IMAGE SOURCES**
Lead image: the dark foresShe was told to go out early, while the sun is still upShe reached her grandma's house https://pin.it/Rq8hkdQ https://pin.it/5hccizV https://pin.it/7lE3CZ0
@joow
