I just want to go home, and escape your stares.

I know that I am not attractive. I don't have the kind of face that people would want to stare at whole day long. I don't have the petite body that seems to be the only body type acceptable these days. I don't even have the kind of voice that would make someone fall in love with me real quick. I am not attractive.

But despite this fact. I still feel like I am being watched. Not in a way that they admire me, but more of curiosity and raised brows. I caught a few people looking at me before. They look when I walk in the grocery, when I fall in line to pay food and things I buy, and even when I am just sitting down.They look.

They don't have a camera in their hands, but i know that the invisible ones are better than the real equipment. They use their eyes, and take pictures of me or record me and store everything in their minds. And in their heads, there will be a voice of a narrator, talking about how I am badly dressed, how I don't even try to make myself look pretty, how I am so fat.

Of course I wouldn't know if this is true, I wouldn't know what the real reason is why they follow me with their gazes. But my mind, the one with a hand stained with ink, is telling me that i am the star of their documentaries in their heads. And the show is called: The Ugly Fat Folk.

I don't know if I should be impressed with the way my mind conjures up things, or should I be scared with how far I could let my brain to hurt me with made up mockery.

Either way, I just stand still. If I catch them looking, I will not look at their direction again. If I feel eyes at the back of my neck, I will not check. I'll just try to stand in my full height. Straighten my back, lick my chapped lips, and pretend not to know anything.

But while I do that, of course that's the moment when my mind would throw the imaginary hate and ridicule people have for me.

It isn't obvious on the outside, as I stand there or walk with my head ducked down. It's not obvious, but my heart already beats so fast- as if I participated a race. It isn't obvious, but my hands are cold and sweaty. I am 165 cm tall, taller than usual, and I am fat too. But I am feeling small. Like I was put in a clear jar, like i am an insect being examined.

When that feeling comes, in my head, I already am rehearsing the steps and routes I will take to avoid eyes. If only there's a choice where people don't exist, or where people just look at the clothes they want to buy and food they want to eat, or where people are blind and couldn't see me, I would choose that path.

But of course those do not exist. What exist are the complete opposite, and it makes me feel sick somehow. Makes me want to puke.

But I would fight the feeling even if all that i want to do is call my mom and pick me up. But what am i supposed to tell her? That people and their eyes bother me? That I wish they were blind so they won't look at me and so my brain would stop calling me ugly?

If I told her that, i would only sound childish. And the people would have more reason to stare.

I do not want anyone lookng at me. Stop looking at me!

But I wouldn't say that out loud. All that chaos will remain in my head. All that they should see is calm, and a fat lady who doesn't know how to dress. That's all. And so I'll just mind my own business as I try to secure the box of panic inside my head. I will walk and walk, slow then fast, but won't run. I don't want them to have more reasons to watch.

I just want to go home, and hide, and put my guard down. I do not want to be the main character of a sad story in strangers' heads. I do not want them to even remember me. Not when I am ugly and not when I am looked upon like...I'm made of the ugliest materials in the world.

They don't look at me like that though. They just follow me with their gazes. And it's just my mind who suggests of the ugly things strangers could possible think of me. And it feels so real it hurts my guts.

It makes me fear the world sometimes.

Hello, thank you for reading this article. This is kind of a vent out, and a description of how i feel sometimes when i am outside. I hope it wasn't too heavy for you :(

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https://read.cash/@joow/in-my-head-theres-a-reel-fbebb9d1

https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f

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Fixing camera
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lipstick
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telephone
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flipping book
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timer: lead image
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