It might sound repetitive, but I want it.
I look down at my hands one afternoon as I sit alone on top of a hill. I am beneath a huge tree and so the leaves cast shadows on my palms. I look down at my hands and it made me think of other people's hands. Probably somene who's got a bigger one and could hold my hand in his.
I look down at my hands and think that hand holding is kind of strange.
Of course not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me ignore the bird landing on my knee. I think the strangeness of it isn't bad, but captivating. Because, when someone holds you, it makes you feel warm and all your attention is focused onto that warmth the hold gives you.
The wind blew and the bird on my knee chirped, and it jumped and flew away, leaving me and my thoughts alone.
I raised my hand, arms outstreched. My hand looks like it belonged to someone else before. Like it belonged to someone from the past. This hand i have feels warm all the time, maybe this hand was always held lovingly. But now it just stays on my side. No one has ever had the romantic intention to twine their fingers with mine.
What my fingers do is hold paper and pens and write prose and poems about love. What my fingers do is hold books and their worlds. What my fingers do is fiddle grass and let it stain my nails green. If someone else's fingertips won't mark the skin behind my hand, then I'll let the grass do the coloring. The stain would last days there, but the imaginary warmth just a moment.
All these thoughts about hand holding made me think of school and the lots of couple i cross paths with. The flowers in lockers, the stolen glances lovers share across the cafeteria, and even the origamis I once had to deliver to a girl from a boy. They are all in love, heart eyes and giggles.
Why does it have to remind me of love? Holding someone doesn't have to be romantic and yet it's what i think of. It could be your father taking your hand as you cross the street, or your mother's hand above yours while teaching you how to play the piano. Your friend could hold your hand too, while you run away from bullies, while you walk back home from school, while you share a book to read.
So many other reasons and yet i think of romance.
Maybe the reason why I thought of romantic hand holding is my lack of love...romantically. And I can't think of any more reason aside from that. My mind thinks of something, dreams of something, because I don't have it. Why would I wish for something in the first place if I already know it's mine?
I stood up from where I was sitting and i didn't bother dusting off my skirt. I let the dry grass and leaves cling, a sign I wasn't alone because nature was there for me. Giving me a shade, birds that sing for me, and a sun to shine on the leaves and the leaves to cast shadows on my hand.
My hand to remind me of a love I do not have. A wish that I will constantly wish for. The stars must be tired of my pleas.
I didn't start walking and I just stood there on top of the hill. I could see the village from where I am standing and I feel like I am closer to the sky than the people below. It's like my hand could have something new to do and that is reaching up to the sky and hold the clouds instead.
Holding the clouds seems more possible these days compared to having a lover to hold hands with.
But I think it wouldn't matter really, if there's something or someone around. A hand is not just for a hand. It could be for different things too, I think of those things as I make my way down the hill. I think of the birds that could perch on my fingers, and they will sing to me and I will sing back. I could probably hold grains on my palms and feed the little singers. And I could pick up branches too, and burn them, and make fire to warm me up.
Who needs a hand to hold anyway? Of course me. Of course me. But I got to to pretend i don't from time to time so I wouldn't get hurt too much.
I walked down the hill, back home, and tried to think of pretty birds instead of warm skin and love.
ENDING THOUGHTS: This is just me trying to make a prose about my current thought and feelings. Yes, I wanna hold someone's hand hahaha! Cringe. TT
PREVIOUS ARTICLES
https://read.cash/@joow/tired-of-facing-the-same-problems-0a7f9a5f
https://read.cash/@joow/beneath-my-fingertips-is-a-world-i-dream-of-12e28342
https://read.cash/@joow/in-my-head-theres-a-reel-fbebb9d1
https://read.cash/@joow/have-you-reached-a-destination-now-35677867
IMAGE SOURCES
Hands holding
pickng on grass (used as lead image as well)
standing still
birds
