Keep knocking, but I won't open the door
Every now and then, the thought about the future visits my mind, no matter what time it is of the day, it will come. The thoughts feel like an unwanted call from an individual I can't just turn down. And so just like any othr unwanted calls, I let it go on and on until the phone stops ringing, until my head stops ringing.
While I wait for the thoughts to die down, or get tired of pestering me, I do other tasks so that I can distract myself from the wonders and problems wanting to form. I answer modules and read the hardest parts over and over again. Or I listen to music and have a mini concert in the back of my mind. I am on a stage, doing some hard k-pop choreography. Or listen to disney songs and pretend to be an opera singer wearing a disney princess gown.
There are other things that I do just to ignore the call, the knocking in my skull, the grinning temptation to just sit down and entertain the thoughts. I'd do anything to not think of them.
By now, you must be wondering why I am describing it this way, like those are bad things. Well, they aren't, but they are persistent and they make my head hurt and my hands itch to do something I can't.
And the reason why I do not want to entertain them again is because they don't change. They are always the same. Same questions with same answers and sometimes the same questions which I cannot answer just yet.
One of the thoughts revolve around me finally graduating. And then it's more of a question rather than a happy moment thinking that I am finally free of schoolworks to do. It's more like a question of "then what?"
I don't know what's gonna happen yet. I have no idea what job i could possibly have. I have no idea what my grades will be, what kind of exams I will pass, if I will pass or fail and if I fail what then? And because I cannot answer that question, another scene would play. It's me still living with my parents even if I have already graduated. I live with them, but I don't have a job. The question comes again, "then what?" What's gonna happen? My parents cannot work forever because one day, just like everything that has breath on this earth, they'll die. And when it happens, then what? What's to happen next?
They cannot die working. They deserve to retire and have a peaceful life. To do what they want; garden, and listen to music, and care for little dogs, and sleep in a comfortable home. But how will those happen if I don't have a job?
These are the kind thoughts that I used to entertain that I do not want to enteratain again. I mean it's good that we plan, of course it's good. But the plans that we have will sometimes prosper, and sometimes fail. When these kind of uncertainties come, I pray that everything will be fine. And I know that the plans of the Lord are for the good. And that is why I do not want to entertain my thoughts again. Well because, sometimes they're the opposite of good.
Actually often times, my imagination will turn a sharp left and then a very dark reel will play in my head. The kind of dark that will make me imagine the worst of the worst case scenarios ever. It includes death, and more death and the death will be more and more violent. The thoughts were friendly in the very beginning but now they got evil and turned into a dark ugly cloud. It's not fun to entertain them.
And so now you know why I don't wanna entertain my thoughts. Because they're repetetive and could turn a very bad thing the longer I let them roam in my head. I don't know why they turn like that, maybe because I am a very nervous lady and I like to imagine things and my imagination doesn't really care if it'll scare me or not.
So I would rather imagine myself as one of the best dancers to ever exist and that entertainment companies fight over me. I would rather imagine that silly thing than death and the foggy future. At least the fun imagination will keep me grounded, and still be in the present. I may be floating around, but I am still in the present. It's better that way.
And thankfully, I found a new way to distract myself, and that is by reading a book that I find interesting. It is called the six of crows and it's kind of a fantasy book. I might talk about it here soon, when I get in the exciting parts. And then aside from reading a book, I also find it entertaining to write articles for read cash and also mini blogs for noise. It's nice.
And I believe, this will conclude my article of the day. Which only talks about what happens in my mind and how I try to minimize the headache it would cause. Thank you very much for reading this, and I would love to read your comments if you guys ever experience the same thing as I do!
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Ringing phone
wiggly legs
moving vehicle
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