"I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Don't know what you're expecting of me. Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes...."
Numb|Linkin Park
I am too tired to even move my feet just so I can move forward to where they want me to be. They are pushing me too hard and I don't have the right to complain or I won't get anything for dinner. I have to finish it all or else they will put a lock on my room and I can never get out even just for a 5 minutes nap. They are so cruel to me but I understand because it is their dream that I need to fulfill.
I don't have a say, all I have to do is to do what they want and I can get a plate of cake. I don't have freedom - I feel like I have chain in my neck. And every move that I make? Its pretty much calculated and a whip from their words is what I have to face. Can anybody see me? If you do come please save me. It's exhausting and I feel suffocated. Just lend me your ears and I just have to remove this.
I have to do this, I have to that because this is what's good for me. I am so tempted to answer back but I hold back because it was me who will suffer in the end. Yeah, it's for my own sake is what they say. Is it really or its just for your own satisfaction that you pass on to me to continue the journey that you are driving but I have to push from behind?
You're the one behind on the steering wheel and here I am in the back having a muscle cramp from pushing the car for it to run. You're the one in control while I have to lift the heavy weight of that car. When you push the start button, even if I'm in pain i have to move or else I will taste all of your wrath. "What do you think our family will say?" One mistake and I have to endure a lot of pain.
Emotional Pain, this is harsher than when I get a pinch from your long finger nail. I can endure that but my head feel like exploding from the thought that has been running in my brain. I can't stop thinking what if I have the freedom to choose of what I really want. Can I feel happiness and not this heavy feelings in my heart? Or is there a chance that I can ever be happy? I bet it's impossible.
You are so happy seeing me continuing the dreams that you didn't have the chance on achieving, but you didn't even bother asking if I am alright or if I love what I'm doing. But off course you will never gonna ask that. It is not a dream that I really want in my life and you know that. And that's what hurt me the most coz you only see me as your puppet and not as your loving child.
I want to be me, I want to experience doing what I want. Can you please give me just a day to do what I want? And then after that you can do anything to me. I just want a taste even an inch of happiness. I want to get away even just for a day in this harsh world and enjoy the life that they are saying. They say life is beautiful but I can't see it that way.
I want to drive my own car and decide how far I will drive to reach my desired destination. Without you and Mom's manipulation, only my wants, my wish and only I am who will plan it not all of you and most specially not those b!tches you want so much to see your worth. This is my story so I will decide how I want it to start and how I want it to end.
No daddy, mommy I'm not defying you. I just see what's you've been doing to me and I thought "This is my life, I should decide how I want it to run right?" I need to grow and I can only do that if I do this. I'm doing this for myself, I want to be selfish even for once. You can't blame me for desiring it. I missed a lot and now it's time to do what I want.
"All I want to do. Is be more like me. And be less like you..."
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October 19, 2021
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All in due time my dear frenny.. all in due time! One step at at time :)