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Laughter of Sorrow

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Avatar for Ruffa
Written by   1079
2 months ago

I love smiling, smiling about everything even though I'm dying, I'm crying over about not just something. It is but about everything - my emotion was calculated and it will react but still a wide smile was showing. The wider my smile is, the more painful it is, the more I want to hide my feelings and the more the loud my crying inside. It's like a box full of baggage. And because it was being filled and slowly getting heavy, a crack is showing. And I know for sure if this doesn't stop then everything, as in everything will fall. It will explode until saving it would be impossible but at least it'll be no more heavy baggage in this little hearteuu.

But this is not all, I have a lot on my plate and I don't really know how I can survive this. Loving ourself is the priority but I can't even do it and now I'm having a hard time on breathing, tightening chest I think I need a tank of oxygen. Wait, why even I have full tank with me to ease this heavy chest the pain is still here trying to tie me down and I don't have a choice but to get used to it. I got used to it and now I'm hooked. Welcoming these pain like I'm some druggie who'll get a shakes if doesn't sniff any. It was a beautiful pain for me and I'm living why thanks to it. I don't know if I can ever get up, I stopped trying it a long time ago and I don't have anymore reason to continue it.

To tell you the truth, I have a friend with me here that if only I choose to open up they will shower me with their positivity, kind words to make me feel better and love that I think I can get but because I thought I don't deserve it, I didn't bother asking for their help. I even thought that they don't deserve me as a friend coz I'm not good enough and they are perfect. I'm not pretty, I'm not talented, I'm not smart and I am just me. I'm just that, as in I'm nothing. My body was full of insecurities that I'm afraid they'll get it with me. It's hard, I know it's only me that making it hard but moving with the kind of head like I have, I don't really have a choice. It is just me who's trying to bring down my own self.

Yeah I fake my smile I fake the happiness that you can see on my mouth but try to look through my soul and you'll see the lost me. The lost me who doesn't have the will to get up. The lost me who loath everyone inside because of their perfect life. It is a perfect facade by the imperfect me, who's still so lost, so lonely and so insecure about her own life. The one who doesn't need savings because it's already late. The one I need in my life was again slipped away because of my F insecurities eating me up like a pest leaving only a mark of their own hardship on leaving a lot of hole in my skin. So itchy, so painful sorrowful and so mad but I'm keeping it all coz I'm good with that - I'm hopeless.

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So, I wrote this after watching Horimiya. Each character has it's own you know heavy baggage in their shoulder carrying it like it's nothing but damn they are just hiding it real good. They are good in faking it, shrugging it but deep inside they have a deep wound that still trying to heal. They are showing their best smile like they don't have this negative thoughts in their mind but deep inside, they are hurting.

But, each of them found each other. They have each other now and all of them are slowly but surely having a progress improving their self, their imperfections that's what make them unique but changing it for a little bit is also not that bad. Just a little change for a better future, coz we find ways in BDO. Hahah, sorry about that. Anyways, I'm still on episode 9 of this series. Just 4 episode left and I will finish it na, skl.


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September 17, 2021

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Written by   1079
2 months ago
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Comments

Bagay sila sa SM, we've got it all for you haha!

Pero ganun talaga as long na kaya natin un problema, go lang. Lahat tayo may pinagdadaanan kaya minsan ayaw natin magshare ng problema kasi ayaw natin maging dagdag pa sa problema nila.

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2 months ago

Hahaha, SM pa nga haha.

Yon na nga ano, basta go lang ng go. Wag papatalo sa problema. Lavarn lang ganorn 💪🏿💪🏿

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2 months ago

Feel na feel ko mga sinasabi mo ate ropa. 🤧 Ganyan na ganyan din ako and I guess madami tayong nakakaramdam ng ganyan. Mahirap talagang mag panggap na masaya at magsabi ng problema sa iba, ganyan ako minsan nahihiya sainyo pero kasi wala akong mapagsabihan kaya kinakapalan ko na pagmumukha ko haha

Familiar po sakin yung Horimiya check ko mamayang alas dose pag may time na akong magliwaliw sa socmed. Nabubusy kasi ako sa lamay ate e to lang time ko para magbasa 🤧

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2 months ago

It hit hard no? Huehue, sa totoo lang talaga buti nga andyan kau at may napag sasabihan din ako like ung nangyare noon. Halos maloka loka na ako sa lala ng nararamdaman ko. Ny gosh, imagine nalampasan ko, wowww now I'm all okie 😁🤩.

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2 months ago

I learnt that those who seem to be happy and make people around them happy are usually the saddest...everyone is going through a whole lot until you come close you would see their pains.

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2 months ago

Yeah, those good in making everyone smile. But we don't know, their problema are bigger than to those people they are making laugh.

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2 months ago

Grabe ang bigat ng emotions but true we hide our pain through our smile the wider the smile, the painful it is.

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2 months ago

Hihi, kaya nga kala natin masaya sila pero they are just faking it

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2 months ago

Para lang hindi maging hassle sa iba :(

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2 months ago

I sometimes felt that too, that I am not good enough and I would choose to stay at home rather than going out with friends. But then later on, I realized that it's just me who's thinking that way.

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2 months ago

Same tayo dito, kaya nga sa kwarto lang talaga ako lagi kong maglalabas ng bahay ba.

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2 months ago

Ano po yun? Hahaha

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2 months ago

Sakit talaga yan madams, yung feeling na okay tayo.outside pero may deep grief pala di lang pinapahalata. Anyways, anong movie yan madam parang ang ganda ng story ahhn..

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2 months ago

Halos lahat talaga tau dito madams ano huehue. Mahalaga namay nalalampasan basta wag lang papatalo.

Anime series sya madam.

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2 months ago

Tama madams, loser nagpapatalo tayo

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2 months ago

Hmm lahat ata tayo may mga lihim na pinagdadaanan tas as if na lang tayo na okay kasi hirap din nmn mag share eh napaka complicated haay 🙄 pati si @Yen.. ako din nakaraan eh iwan ko go with the flow na lang sa life.

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2 months ago

bat kaya ang galing natin when it comes to pretending noh? haha

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2 months ago

Talent na natin yan naku. Magaling itago, tas iiyak din ng patago, tsk

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2 months ago

D ko alam ang movie na yan.. Or anime na namn b yan? 😅 But I like the message you conveyed in this article... Sometimes we just need to look for real one whom we can trust and share our hidden emotions. We have to let it go before it burst out and cause destruction..

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2 months ago

Yesss madam anime series ahaha try ka din minsan na manood hihi.

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2 months ago

Kala ko ikaw talaga yon madam pero it hits different though. Relatable but too dramatic. Hehehe. Dun parin ako sa lack of drive. 🤭😆

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2 months ago

Bwahahahahs, driving you insane like he's to hard? Bwahaha chorrr

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2 months ago

Pwede na rin madam. 🤭😆

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2 months ago

Relate mats dear haha. But, parang maganda panoorin yang anime mo na pinapanuod ngayon hmm.. San pwde mapanuod? May subtitle? Hahahaha

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2 months ago

Hahaha, sa fb dear share ko sau link.

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2 months ago

Hahaha so the emotions was triggered after watching an episode of Horimiya hahaha.

Indeed, we need to find the same people who feel the same way as us so we can relate to each other and that could lead to unconciously helping each other to move away from sadness

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2 months ago

Oo ahahaha ganyan kasi minsan pag nakakapanood ako para bagang biglang napapaisip chenes haha.

Yassss, ganyan nga Minsan kasi sa strangers mo din mahahanap yang nga ganyan, sa kanila ka makakahanap ng comfort room, I mean comfort lang nubeyy haha

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2 months ago

I am used to it. I am used to showing my wide smile, hiding all the pain I feel inside. I'm good at it- pretendingggg 😁

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2 months ago

Jan tau magaling ee ang magtago, sabay takbo pa. Tas palihim na masasaktan

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2 months ago

Sakittttt huhu

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2 months ago

We must bring happiness wherever we go. Convey joy and a smile. True friendship is priceless. Have a good day friend.

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2 months ago

Yayy to that, but it's easy to say but doing it sometimes is hard 🤕

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2 months ago

Skills di natin tong magpanggap na ayos lang kahit durog na durog na dzai! :(

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2 months ago

Sa totooo lang, talent yorn dzaii haha

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2 months ago

parang elsa lang... conceal don't feel, don't let them know......

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2 months ago

Hahahahaha, kanta kapa madam hahaha

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2 months ago

natapos ko na sa the cold doesn't bother me anyway..ahha

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2 months ago

There's no perfect life poz kabata tayoo may problem it's just how we will going to handle it. And we need friends like that na will only spread positivity

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2 months ago

True naman, pero sa iba kasi mas nabubulagan sila ng insecurities nila kaya kala nila perfect ang life nong si ganito ganiyan.

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2 months ago

I know it's a fictional story you wrote but you injected traits of your own personality into it. lol. as always good read.

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2 months ago

Hehe, you know me better than myself huehue. Thanks.

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2 months ago

Those person who laugh or smile the most are the saddest, that is what I usually observe☺️. Self-pity is normal but we are the only one could overcome it through giving our self more love and worth, embracing our weaknesses and make it as our strength and ofcourse we should not forget our Identity in Christ, because we are born with purpose. By the way Ate, sobrang ganda nung anime na yan hehe HORIMIYA gave me a lot of realizations too at nakakakilig rin🥰. Worth to watch talaga!

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2 months ago

Yah totoo yan, ang galing nila magtago ng tunay na nararamdaman nila pero sila talaga ang mas malalaki pala ang problema. Totoo, diko pa nga tapos dinidelay ko muna ba para masaya hahaha. Tapos sunod ko na yong Love is hard for Otaku, huehue

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2 months ago

Truee!!. Natapos ko na rin yan eeehhh haha maganda din yarn your into rom-com dn ba haha

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2 months ago

Damang damang ko habang nagbabasa.🥺 Minsan talaga magpapanggap ka na okay ka, ngumingiti ka and Yung tawa parang walang bukas pero deep inside may tinatago palang sakit na Minsan gusto mong ilabas o isigaw pero dinaan mo na lang sa tawa...🥺 Magpapanggap ka para matakpan.. ang sakit nito.🥺

Kaya kailangan tayo mag change para maging better kahit step lang ng step. It's a big achievement na....💪

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2 months ago

Yong pag mag isa ka nalang sa kwarto mondi mo maiwasang mag isip ng todo tapos eqquestion pa ang existence sa mundo. Yong ang daming insecurities tas lahat un iniisip haysss. Minsan natututlala nalang na parang buang.

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2 months ago

Oo sis tama talaga.. ang bigat2 nun at ang sakit2, ang lungkot2...🥺

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2 months ago

Haysss. I agree madam! We need to be better and we need to find ways char 😂

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User's avatar Yen
2 months ago

Hahahahaha, BDO nga kasi haha.

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2 months ago