Not good enough
These days I try to pretend that I am good and that I am recovering. But honestly, it is tiring to have to fight your mind all the time.
Even with medication, I still have a bit of struggle. I am still in a state of in denial. Despite the fact that I have been diagnosed for months and has been regularly taking medication for a month straight now.
I feel like a fake, a liar. I feel as though maybe I do not need all this stuff after all.
And I fell back into the habit of spending my money on unneeded things. I thought it would make me happy, but the parcels I received lay there unopened.
I can not even bear to look at my reflection anymore.
A failure
The word failure keeps filling up my mind. I tried to do the things advised to me on my last therapy sessions but I keep messing things up which made my inner critic talk more badly and loudly.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I just want to not feel like this. I have no reason to feel like this.
I am here a student having a good side hustle. My small business is continuously getting orders. I have friends, family, and even a romantic partner.
Why do I feel like this still?
Trying to claw myself out
I feel so stuck in this body that keeps failing me. My mind is a mess. And I can not seem to do the things I want to do.
I am trying yet my efforts are not giving me results.
I am doing my best to live well, to be well but maybe I don't even deserve that.
At nights, I find myself scratchin my arm, trying to open up my skin so I can leave this wretched body of mine.
I try to stop but the voices in my head get so loud at night.
So worthless.
So useless.
Never good enough.
I am just so tired of failing at being normal. So tired of feeling like I don't belong.
So tired of being myself.
But who cares anyway?
I am just a shell goin through the motions of life.
I tell myself that I am too empty to feel anything yet my emotions still choke me in my sleep.
The silence is too loud
My mind quited down since taking the medication yet I still feel like everythin is too loud.
It is so tiring to fight.
I see no reason to live.
No reason to keep trying.
Yet, this body refuse to give up.
Even in just giving up, I am still not good enough.
Think of this as fiction.
It would be better if you think that I do not have to feel this way.
Think of this as a story.
Maybe then you can tell me what would happen next so that I won't be up all night thinking about it.
Pretend
I sometimes pretend I am happy even though I am drowning in deression. I tried to do that today. I tried to write about installing photo, and video editor on my laptop and yet for some reason I can not finish it.
I just felt like I would go insane if I did not write this down.
My psychologist told me to start a journal but it has been two weeks and I have yet to actually understand how to create a good journal.
I feel like I can not do the simplest things.
I feel so tired and sad and I have no energy to even put on a mask.
Yet everyone around me keeps telling me that nothing is wrong with me. But then they would also be the ones to call me crazy for being myself.
They would be the ones to make me feel as if my very existance is unwanted.
I am tired. So so tired of pretending I'm okay.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
I know someday somehow you can make it and you gonna be okay.