Taste of being alone
I would be the first to admit that I used to hate my own company. I really did not have a good relationship with myself because of the internalized self-hatred I used to have. I used to think that I am only lovable when I am in a relationship with somebody. I also used to equate my worth to how desirable my partner is perceived by others. It is a weird logic now that I look back on it, but in my younger years I really thought the only way I could love myself was if somebody else is making me feel like I deserved to be loved.
However, now I know better. I have realized that love is not something that comes from external sources. I am still worthy of love even if I am alone. Staying single does not mean that I am undesirable.
As I was coming to terms with my singlehood, I started to rediscover parts of myself that I lost while being in a relationship. I started to relearn the things that used to spark joy within me. I started to be present and honest with myself more. It started out small. Like the feeling of freedom of not having to constantly feel the need to check my messages to reply to someone else immediately. Then it transformed into casually enjoying my own company out on coffee shops. It became going to new places alone and trying out the things I have been wanting to try without waiting for someone else to accompany me.
It used to make me feel insecure and self-conscious when I spend time alone. I had negative thoughts like maybe I am weird and unlovable. I was so worried about how others view my decision to be by myself in public places. However, as I started doing it regularly, I realized that people are so caught up in their own worlds to even care about me in the first place.
It took a lot of weight off my shoulders, and I started to relax more. I started to explore more. I started to be more comfortable with my own skin. Doing this, I realized that being alone is not as awful as I used think.
Being alone tasted like dark coffee with pastries. It tasted like strawberry ice cream on the way home. It tasted like hot or cold matcha. It tasted like freshly baked cookies. It tasted like hot ramen. It tasted like stale fries. It tasted like everything I ever expected it to taste like and more. It tasted like freedom.
I admit though that while I enjoy my own company now, being alone sometimes also taste like sadness. It makes me miss the feeling of embracing someone. It makes me miss the feeling of being vulnerable and showing my soul to someone I trust.
But the times I spent alone taught me how to make myself happy. It helped me discover a lot of things about myself. And with that comes the realization that I would rather be alone than spend time with someone I am settling for. The next time I enter a relationship, I want it to be with someone I truly respect and love. I want it to be with someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself every day. I want it to be with someone who will not shy away from my vulnerable side. I want it to be with someone who will share his completeness with me so that we can be individuals who chose each other.
So, until then, I will enjoy the taste of coffee alone. I will enjoy the smell of my own cologne. I will enjoy holding my own things. I will enjoy treating myself with kindness and love every day.
Three Things I learned in Love and Life
The past few months have been filled with lessons and stories. Some I am too ashamed to share and others that I feel should be shared. I say it because I believe that some might relate and learn from my mistakes.
In this article, I would like to share some of the things I have learned about life based on what I have experienced in my months away from writing.
1. People make time for those they care about
Ever found yourself in a situationship or something more than friendship but less than a relationship? Well, I believe that there are many who can relate especially in today's dating setup. It is a messy situation to find oneself in. It is filled with doubts and hopes. A mix of love and hate, and everything in between.
There were moments when I let delusions fool me into thinking that receiving mixed signals are understandable. I let myself believe that it is part of the getting to know process. However, as time went on and I learn to value myself, I realized that the people who value you will make time and effort for you. They will not make you question where you stand in their life. You will know your place is by their side, and if that is not clear then it is a clear sign that you should walk away.
Do not let yourself believe that you can make someone change their mind just by loving them more. The more you give, the more they start to take advantage of you.
2. Set boundaries and firmly stick to them
Relating to the last statement, having firm boundaries will ensure that you will not be taken advantage of. Do not be afraid to lose people in the process of sticking up for yourself. The people who truly care for you will respect the boundaries you placed, and the people who will disrespect your boundaries are people you do not want in your life. So do not be afraid to be honest with yourself.
Sit with yourself once in a while and determine what your values are. Get to know what makes you feel bad and what are the things you don't want in your life. Then learn how to firmly place the boundaries in your life. Do not be hesitant in protecting your peace. Remember that you are the only one who can protect your sanity. It is your responsibility to keep your life in order.
3. Do not settle for less just because you are lonely
I get it. Sometimes, the nights are so cold that we just want someone to be there for us. We want to hear sweet nothings from a person who claims to be ours. We want to hold someone else's hands while walking. We want someone to be there for us when we are too tired to show up for ourselves. Sometimes, the temptation of being in the company of someone wrong is more enticing that being with our own company.
However, I urge you to sit with yourself. Sit with your sadness and embrace the silence of being alone. No, I am not telling you to isolate yourself. I am encouraging you to love yourself enough to sit through with your own emotions. Do not let yourself drown from distraction. Do not lose yourself in someone's embrace, someone's kisses just because you are afraid of seeing your own shadow.
Do not settle for a half-love. Do not do yourself like that. You are deserving of receiving genuine love. Youa re deserving of being with someone who will fully love you just as much as you love yourself. So, I urge you to not let the temptation of being the half of someone else distract you from becoming your whole self.
Looking back
There were situations that kept repeating themselves. Mostly because I was stubborn and did not learn the first few times around, so I keep finding myself in similar situations even though I am with different people. However, I want to believe that I am now seriously starting to be open to the lessons. I believe that I have learned my lessons now.
I am now ready to allow myself to be whole, while being open in finding someone who I can experience life with. I do not have to rush things. I am letting life flows the way it wants to. I am letting go of expectations and just living my life grateful for the lessons and the experiences.
I hope that you and I can embark on this journey together. It is funny how I started this blog two years ago in my self-love journey and still now I am still writing about it. I just this just goes to show that self-love has no end destination. It is a continuous process of always choosing to be kind to yourself. It is a conscious effort to do what is good for you without hurting others.
Hustle Culture
I am sure that many is already familiar with the hustle culture. I even expect that some are willingly participatung and thriving in this kind of lifestyle- the endless grind, achieving goal after goals.
I admit that for a while I was intoxicated with the hustle culture as well. The feeling of achieving everything that I have set to do for myself. I even started thinking of aiming for a million before my 30th birthday. How ambitious was that?
Today though, I would have to admit. The hustle culture is not for me. I am not made for turning every little hobbies I have into a side hustle meant to generate income. I do not fancy doing things for the sake of earning. I find no joy in learning new concepts just so I could earn more.
A lot of the videos, books, and articles I have been exposed to all preached the same thing- have multiple sources of income. I admit that it is a wise suggestion. And I am quite fond of it.
However, during the months after my graduation, I have not taken a time to breathe. Had I not made an impulsive decision to leave a job that no longer felt healthy for me, I never would have stopped to listen to what I am feeling.
I would have wasted years of my life, working myself to the bones to earn money. Grinding endlessly for the sake of achieving goals that I set. I could have gone like that, and I would not even notice the time passing by.
But now, with a newfound sense of free time, I was able to really sit with myself. I was able to reflect. I realized that such life filled with endless grind is not the one I want for myself.
I want to live slowly and fully. I want to immersed myself into the experiences that comes my way. I want to be able to live for the sake of living not earning. I want to be able to do the things that bring me joy without thinking of ways how to capitalize them. I want to breathe and just be.
Perhaps, some of might disagree. I understand. It is undeniable that money plays a huge part on what we can do with our lives. But for me, I am choosing to live slowly.
I am choosing to detach myself from the grind. I am choosing to learn things for the sake of learning not because it promises higher income. I am choosing to do things because it nourishes my soul, not my wallet. I am choosing to live as I truly want to, not just following what the world is telling me to do.
There is not a doubt in me that I will have a job again soon. That much js certain for me. But for now, I am choosing this time to exist and to breathe, away from the hustle culture that I am deeply familiar with.
What if it works?
For so long, I have trapped myself into thinking that I should always settle for the safer choice because taking risks might lead to losing everything. In every aspect of my life, I have settled for "pwede na yan". Even though deep onside I knew that I could aim for more, that I wanted more. I always tried to push down the feeling and told myself that it is enough. I have masked my fear by calling it contentment.
Yet it seems that there comes a time when the Universe would give you situations after situation until you learned your lesson. First, in relationships. I have not been lucky in love. Sure, I had a relationship wherein I can honestly say I was happy but during those times I knew I wanted more but I stayed lest I be seen as ungrateful and unappreciative. However, now I have realized that I am doing myself a disservice for settling for less than what I want. Not only that, I am also disrespecting and wasting the time of the romantic partners I had because I am not being honest with what I truly want. Even now that I am aware of this problem, I still find it hard to actually leave a comfortable situationship just because I know that it will not serve me in the long run. Well, I guess this is a lesson that can be learned another time.
Anyway, this article is not just about my lamentations about my love life. It is actually more of a self-reflection or a journal entry.
Years of telling myself to be content with what I have despite it not being what I truly want, has led to me being full of doubts about my future. My thoughts are always filled with worries about what will happen if things do not work out which usually end with me choosing the safer option and not pursuing what I actually wanted. However, I realized that because of my actions, I have been living a life that is not my own. I have been living a life led by my fears and doubts and not what my heart and soul truly wants.
Now, I want to change my mindset from "what if it doesn't to work?" to "what if it does work out?"
Fear has always been one of the reasons why I kept myself neatly trapped in my comfort zone but now I refuse to live my life lile that. I want to be able to look back into my life and think to myself that I have lived. To know that at the end of my journey that I had done what I wanted.
It will not be easy. There will be days when I would struggle and go back to my comfort zone. But I know that someday, my decision to truly live the life that I want will be worth it.
Achievement Unlocked: Officially an Engineer
I am still in disbelief how I went from dreaming of having the Engr. title to finally achieving it.
Actually, I do not know how to properly express me emotions into words. The feelings I have about this achievement are too overwhelming at this point. However, I can tell a little story about the days leading up to me finally passing the certification exam.
Before the Examination
The national certification examination for instrumentation and control engineer and technician was scheduled on November 9 and 10. I decided to apply for the dual certification since the price difference for the single certification is not much.
My preparation for the exam is not great. The peak of my preparation was back in September when I first made up my mind that I would take the 2nd batch of certification exam this year. The main reason for this decision was so I could avail the 50% discount for fresh graduates.
I was still able to review for an hour after work since I have some leftover energy. However, as days went by and the workload started getting heavier, my body just could not take the schedule I started. After work, all I could really do was eat then sleep. So I did not manage to review.
There was a three-day review provided by the PICS that can be availed for P5,000. 00 but I have work on those days so I decided against availing it. I just decided to file a leave for the 2 days of examination instead.
This decision is not a well-thought one since I was put on night shift schedule from November 6 to 8. On those days, I also had to do ungodly amount of overtime due to the workload so I was functioning on 2-4 hours of sleep only. Basically, after my work on November 8, I went straight to the examination venue.
I had no review, no sleep, no bath, and no breakfast. All I had was the conviction to not waste the money I paid for the examination.
During the Examination
Due to lack of sleep for three days, my mind was already cloudy. I was actually late for the examination because I had to attend a short meeting after getting back from the office. Thankfully, the PICS organizers were graceful enough to understand the reason and let me take the exam.
While taking the exam, I was quietly laughing to myself thinking that I should have just spent the money on something else. I did this because the examination was harder than I thought. I was really feeling demotivated knowing that I could have had answers for the examination if I was able to review even for just a day for it.
But alas, I was stuck in reviewing for the 15 minutes break in between the examination.
On the second day, I actually had the urge to not attend but I told myself that I will just show up and try.
After the Examination
The second the examination ended, I felt relieved that it is over. I do not know why but I did not feel nervous about waiting for the results. I was just glad that it was over.
I went to get ice cream with my friends to celebrate our efforts in the examination. Then began our short wait for the results. We were lucky because the oath taking was scheduled on November 28 so the results were released early to give time for the passers to pay the fee.
The results were released last November 16. I will not forget it because I was eating lunch with my officemates, and waiting for the result when the PICS official page posted it.
Here is the list of the passers for the certification exam. I will not highlight my name for privacy but it is there.
When I saw my name, I could not stop shaking. I keep thinking to myself that I did it. I am now a certified engineer and technician.
Closing words
The journey to being a certified engineer was difficult. There were times when I wanted to give up. There were times when I asked myself that I could still work in the Instrumentation and Control field without certification so why should I bother. However, a tiny voice in me is telling me to push through. And push through I did.
I am thankful that on the days when I was losing hope, I still found the courage to hold on. Now, I have achieved a lifelong dream of becoming an engineer. I am also the first engineer in both sides of my families so I was doubly proud of myself.
A Listening Stranger
Today, I did something that I normally would not do. I met up with a stranger. I don't mean someone I have been talking online for a few months. I mean someone I barely talked to for a few days online before deciding to meet up.
Honestly, I was hesitant about what I was gonna do. But I was bored and I had an extra time to waste so I ended up meeting up with this stranger. I have no expectations aside from his promise of free coffee and conversation. You might have started thinking that it might be networking or a scheme to prey on some naive woman. Surprisingly, both situations did not happen. What did happen is exactly what was promised.
A Direct Approach
In the time I have spent lurking on social media, I have learned not to trust what people post online. Some people claim to want friend but really mean friends with benefits. And some claim to want a relationship but only really meant a relationship in bed. However, my experience today was a pleasant surprise.
What we agreed upon was a coffee and a conversation. That is exactly what I got out of today's meeting. It was a nice experience to have and kinda makes me glad that I had the chance to experience it.
There was no expectation to keep in touch with each other nor a promise to meet again. Just a conversation with a stranger that we will never meet again.
It was an experience that might have happened to me unintentionally before. Meeting someone that I formed a connection with only to never see that person again but it was the first time that i intentionally met with someone to form a connection with l, knowing that there would not be a second meeting.
He mostly spoke during the meeting but honestly, I did not feel the need to open my mouth to tell this stranger about myself. I was just there for a bit of entertainment and he provided that when he talked about various things.
We did not give any information about each other that could lead us to find one another in real life. Just a name that might have been false or not. But it did not matter for we were just strangers sharing a conversation.
The thing about this experience is that it is different from my expectations since both of us did it out of the blue, out of boredom. A random encounter with a stranger who just so happened to be in the same kind of mood at the same day.
To be honest, by next week, I would probably not even remember his name nor his face nor his stories. But I will be able to remember that once, I faced my fear of meeting with a random stranger and I did enjoy it.
This is also the reason why I am writing it. This article serves as a reminder that once, even though I was struggling with depression, I met up with a stranger and got a memorable day out of it.
Although, I will put a disclaimer here for younger audience that meeting up with online strangers should be done with careful consideration. You should not just trust blindly because you never know if a stranger has bad intentions so always have safety measures in place. And never, ever meet with a stranger in a private space for the first time. Always opt for a more public setting wherein you can safely exit a situation if your gut is telling you that something is wrong.
For me, I got lucky but I know that there are others who did not have the same luck as me. So please be careful out there. Trying out things outside of your comfort zone is good yet safety should always be a priority.
An Unsung Song
A year ago, I was on the verge of death. Closer than ever, I could feel the embrace of the reaper. I remember the blurred visions of faceless people talking to me. They were telling me not to close my eyes although it felt like I was stuck underwater. Their voices reach my ears but they all sound so muffled.
I closed my eyes, and woke up to 24 hours later. A day of my life spent on a bed. A day without any recollection of what happened. Yet I still awoke.
For some, they might consider it a miracle. They might have taken a deep breath and praise God for giving them another chance. As for me, I just felt empty. Kinda like screaming into the void and not hearing an echo.
Still, I lived. My heart still beats so I lived. I lived but maybe that is not the right word. Maybe the word I am looking for is exist. I still exist even when everything is me is already dead. Or so I thought.
A year ago, the world was so gray that the only way I could think of to see some light is to disappear. But now, things are similar in many ways yet so vastly different from what my life was before.
This is a life that I did not dream of nor planned. The life I wanted after graduation broke the moment my last relationship ended. It is so funny to think of the plans you made involving another person when that person is no longer part of your life. Still, I am grateful. That ending gave life to new beginnings.
In a new chapter, I found bits of myself again and discovered new things about myself. It is a different feeling to be able to start to understand yourself better. It is like finally learning the lyrics to the song that you kept humming for some reason. I am finally discovering the unsung song that was hidden within me for many years.
A year ago, all I could think of was disappearing from this world. Now, I can not imagine not waking up in the morning. The clutch of bipolar disorder is still towering over me but I have learned to live with it. No longer would I allow it to make me feel ashamed of who I am. No longer would I allow it to take the joy I find in living. No longer will I hide the unsung song I have finally heard within me.
Instead, this day, a year after surviving my demons, I shall continue living. I shall continue to see the world with a heart that appreciates it. I shall continue even on days when I feel like slipping away into nothingness. I shall still be here next year to celebrate my survival. And the year after that. I shall be here until I can no longer celebrate the life I lived. An unsung song has been released, and no longer will my voice remain silent.
To be alone today
Throughout our lives, we may encounter situations that might contribute to losing the sense of who we are. It might be because of being so engrossed in a romantic relationship to the point of becoming someone whom we believe our partners would love better. Or it could be just spending time with people, whom we sometimes consider friends, that do not share the same values. It might even be because the people who should be considered as family have spent their time telling us who we are. Most times though, we lost ourselves simply because we are afraid of being alone.
It is a bit saddening to realize how being alone has become synonymous with being lonely. The severity of this thinking can be seen in various posts wherein random netizens take photos of strangers spending time alone, either eating or walking alone, and making a whole story about how sorry they feel for that strangers. Isn't it funny that these netizens see having alone time as something to be sorry for instead of something essential?
We, as a society, have grown to become too accustomed to having people around us almost all of the time due to the rise of technology. Even distance can no longer keep people apart when a single post or chat or call can let everyone know what we have been up to. Our lives are put on display same with others. Barely any day passed without us socializing.
In reality, being social is part of our human nature. No man can survive being on his own for so long. However, this does not mean that there is no benefit to spending some time by ourselves. Reflection of one's self happend when we face ourselves without the opinions of others.
If we think about it, we might have a hard time describing who we are without using the words of how others describe us. While it is certainly good to learn how other people perceived us, it is important to remember that no one knows ourselves better than us. We just have to learn how to distinguish our own voices from the loud opinions of who others believe us to be.
All this to say that while spending time with loved ones is important, spending quality time with ourselves is also essential. Learning how to be alone and being happy with spending time by ourselves contribute to a better quality of life. We learn how to appreciate others by learning how to value ourselves first. We learn how to distinguish between what we want versus what we think we want because others want it. We learn how to be more honest with ourselves, and be more comfortable with being uniquely true to our beings.
Today, some strangers might look at us with pity when we are seen eating alone at a restaurant or going to concert alone, but we know deep within that taking ourselves out on nice dates are a much-deserved treat and does not take away any fun in the experience.
Being alone does not equal being lonely. If we have to choose someday, I hope that we choose to be alone and happy with life than to be with someone just so we will not be alone.
Starting a New Chapter
Life has been hectic lately that I could barely find time for what I want to. Most times, I have to make do with just doing the tasks that needed to be done. Since I have been gone for awhile, I want to share some significant life events that happened when I was MIA here.
National Certificate Holder
To start with, after finishing my academic responsibilities back in July, I decided to join a TESDA Scholarship program along with my classmates. The main reason I decided to pursue a training was to gain a bit of technical skills that I unfortunately lack due to the pandemic. I did not want to graduate with just theoretical knowledge afterall.
The training was a hybrid setup. We had 10 days online classes and 10 days face-to-face trainings. For the online class, there was a learning platform that contained the modules and activities to be read and answered. We also had to attend online classes every day.
For the face-to-face setup, we learned practical and technical skills. At first, it was difficult for me to grasp the concept but at the end of the training, I was pretty confident with myself. I gained a lot of belief in myself that I can learn how to do things given enough time and instructions.
After the training, we had to pass the assessment to be a national certificate holder. Thankfully, I was able to pass the assessment and become a NC II holder before I graduated college.
This experience really helped in alleviating some of my anxiety about the future. I was scared due to the fact that even though I was about to graduate, I still felt like I knew nothing. Fortunately, I was able to challenge myself with this national certification and gained more appreciation for myself.
Degree Holder
After the TESDA scholarship program, I started to requestthe documents I need from the university like the clearance, transcript of record, good moral character, and certificate of graduation. Obviously, I could not get all of the documents immediately but I could request them as long as I finished my clearance. So that is what I did.
During this time, I was also receiving calls from different companies for interviews. There were some interviews that generated a few job offers. Although what happened to those job offers is a story for another time.
The most exciting thing about waiting for graduation day is realizing that I am actually part of the recognition rites because of my scholarship grant. Unfortunately, I was unable to ge t on the stage to receive my award since I had an interview that day but I was still able to get my certificate and medal which I can bring to the graduation.
The days blurred into one another until suddenly, graduation day is here. The schedule for graduation is not that great because we were scheduled at 5:00PM to 8:00PM.
But the actual graduation did not start until way past 6:30PM. So by the time the ceremony ended, I just wanted to go home. I did not have many pictures from the graduation day because of that. I feel kinda sad that I was unable to take pictures with my bestfriends but at the time taking pictures was the last thing on my mind.
Anyway, the hassle of the graduatiom day aside, I was glad to finally be able to call myself a degree holder. After years of sleepless nights, I finally managed to get my diploma.
Closing
There were times when I doubted myself so much that I almost gave up but I am proud thatI pushed through. I wrote this article as a hope that someone struggling with life right now may read this and think to themself "I can do that, too."
May the things I achieved give you courage to pursue the things you want as well. May you choose to keep moving forward despite the hurdles you encounter.
As for me, you might think that I will be looking for work now. Spoiler alert, though. I already have a work. Maybe I will share that in a different article some day.
Back Again
It has been a long time since my last post here. I was so busy with everything around me that I did not have the time to even open this account. However, it did not mean that I have forgotten about its existence.
How could I even forget this site when it has become a sort of a diary for what is happening in my life. In here, I met amazing people and learned interesting things. Alas, real life has a way of tearing me apart from my virtual bubble. I had to choose my battles carefully since I only had limited energy.
Plenty of Goodbyes
At the peak of my busiest schedule, I had to say goodbye a lot of times. Some goodbyes were so unexpected that I guess I still have trouble coming to terms with it.
The first goodbye is the one I expected. It is saying goodbye to social media for a while. Well, I do still use social media but not as much as usual. Most times, I would just use Facebook for some random memes and go offline again. I was too focused on my academic life that I did not have time for anything else.
Next, I almost said goodbye to a friend due to our busy schedules and lack of communication. It was worrying as we were on the verge of falling out. Thankfully, we managed to patch the problem despite it all. There is still lingering awkwardness but all is well, and time will help our friendship for sure.
I also said goodbye to one of my constants for almost three years. It was an ending that I foresaw coming but I did hope a little that maybe it would not come. However, some things are meant to end and I am learning to accept that this is something that is part of that. Change is a difficult thing to fight after all. If I am being honest, there are days when I would doubt my decision to let the story end as it had but then I would remember that it is probably for the best that things ended when it had.
Lastly, I had to say goodbye to my thesis group who unexpectedly became almost like a second family to me. We have finished defending our thesis and are currently revising it for hardbound publication but the days where we are staying under one roof are gone. No longer will we see each other as we wake up, nor will we hear each other's voices before we fall asleep. Still, our time spent together helped me in ways that they would never know.
New friends and opportunities
Despite the fact that I faced plenty of goodbyes in the time that I was gone, I also gained a lot of things. First of all, I gained new perspective in things especially in the relationship aspect of my life. If before I would have been satisfied with what a partner could give even though it is not what I wanted or needed, now I realized that I would never find true satisfaction that way. So, instead of trying to fold my needs so that it could be small enough for someone to give me, I am focusing on pampering myself until it finally sinks in that I can take care of myself. It is time to stop expecting someone to treat me well when I could barely do that for myself. In this realization, I found comfort in the knowledge that even if I never meet a man who could love me in the way I wanted, it would not bother me since I can take care of myself.
Another thing that I unexpectedly found in this time are trusted friends. After the end of my relationship, I had doubts whether I could trust new people again. But it turns out that I did not have to worry because I was surrounded by trustworthy people all along. The friendships I found really helped me during these difficult times. They became people I can count on and people who cares for me genuinely.
Lastly, I found an opportunity to grow. With the new friends I found, we managed to apply to a scholarship training related to our career choice. It is a golden opportunity for us since we are grad-waiting students. Our grades are already released so we know that the end of our college life is drawing near. Thus, we are already looking for a way to grow our skills so that we will have an advantage when we went out to the field.
All in all
That was the rough summary of what kept me busy the past few months. I make no promises to be active here, just that I will try to be here from time to time when I can.
The days ahead are filled with opportunities and hope, and I just wanted to write about it. Even though I struggled a lot in the last few months, I can honestly say that it was worth it. And though the future is unclear and uncertain, I am hopeful that it will be filled with unexpected great events.
I hope that everyone else is also experiencing the same kind of optimism I am feeling right now.
Replacing an old thing
There are various things in life that make living much easier. One of those is a smartphone.
I remember the days when I was in elementary and I would borrow my father's phone just so I could play simple games. When I was in Grade 3, my classmates started to get their own phones which are already colored while I would receive mine a few months late and it was an older model of Nokia. Still, I was happy and grateful for that. I know my parents worked hard for it.
Some of my classmates tried to make me feel bad for the phone I have. I admit that in the past, my younger self wss hurt over it. But now looking back, the kids in my class were just being unnecessarily rude and mean. It was uncalled for and definitely not worth remembering. However, since that day, I began to place less importance on material things because even as a child I know that I will not be able to buy the latest trend and I am okay with that.
Utility over clout
I have never been one to want the latest gadget in the market just for the sake if having it. Sure, the main reason is because I can not afford those kinds of gadgets anyway. But even when I do have the money for it, I just never found the apoeal of spending incredible amount of money for one thing.
This is the reason why I have lived by the way of only replacing things once it no longer serves its purpose. This way of living gave me much freedom financially as it allows me to place more importance on other things beside having the latest model of every gadget that comes out.
Phone as a necessity
In this time and age, it is undeniable that mobile phones play a huge part in our daily lives. It is used to communicate with others amongst other purposes such as entertainment and as storage of memories. This led many people to be willing to spend thousands of their hard-earned money to buy a new phone every year.
For me, phones are mostly used for communication. There is an additional point though if I can use it for academic works and side hustle stuff. With this being said, I have to say that I splurged more on my laptop than on my phone. The phone that I have been using for the past six years is actually a gift given to me by my parents for my 18th birthday.
This is what my phone looked like after many years of service. I know it looks horrible. I have to defend myself and say that this is not actually the phone I have been using for six years. This is actually my father's phone but I gave him my relatively newer phone last, last year because he needed it for his job. I did not hesitate to trade my phone because his phone is still usable. So for the last two years, I have been using this battered phone.
As you can see it was already on the verge of being broken. But I did not want to replace it before because I can still use it. Unfortunately, for the past few weeks, I have been having a hard time typing and using the phone so I decided it was time to replace it.
The difficult decision
The reason why I put off buying a new phone as long as I can is because I did not know what I want to look for in a phone. I am not really into searching about the good specs for what phone to use. Still, I know that I do want to enjoy my money's worth.
When I asked my sister to go to the mall with me, I did not have any specific model in mind nor a strict budget. So when the saleslady presented a phone from the Honor brand, I listened.
According to her, Honor is part of the Huawei brand but the advantage is that Honor can use Google related services unlike its Huawei counterpart. Additionally, the storage and other specifications of the phone seems good.
But I did not decide immediately even though I was already considering her offer. First of all, it was my first time hearing about the Honor brand so I decided to search if what the saleslady is telling is true. It ended up being true so I told my sister that we can go ahead and buy it.
This is the new phone that I bought. Actually this will be a gift from my sister. I just paid for it in cash now since I have the money for it. She will just pay me slowly over time. I also like it better this way since she will not have to take a loan out and will not have to pay in installment with interest.
The pictures of my new phone was taken using my old phone.
This is the sample picture taken using my new phone. I think you guys can see the difference in the image qualities.
I will be doing a separate article on what I like about the phone after using it for a bit. And yes, the new phone is the reason why I was starting to be active again on noise.app since the camera is nice and the screen is not cracked.
4/4 Soloists of Blackpink
After the successful debut of Jennie, Rosé, and Lisa, fans have been excitedly waiting for the last member of the group to have her solo debut. This member happened to be my bias in Blackpink which is the visual, Kim Jisoo. Jisoo is not just a pretty face though. Her amazing and kind personality is what ultimately captured my heart when I first watched their reality show, Blackpink House.
Ahh, that feels like a long time ago. Thankfully, I managed to get to know the group through their reality shows first before anything else. You would know what I mean if you have or have had a fan account on Twitter where fans wage fan wars for seemingly no reason at all.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. After a much-anticipated solo debut, YG finally announced the debut of Kim Jisoo with this teaser last March 5, 2023. When I tell you that I screamed the moment I saw the post, I am not even lying. I was actually trying to fall asleep that time, just mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed then all of a sudden, I saw the coming soon poster. https://www.facebook.com/BLACKPINKOFFICIAL/posts/pfbid02nFDTbVTGKu7vyJ5ApNqSQXM93XXLSGGnMt8rsommbNX4jyZvecVcgo5K38eSJPsgl
This picture shook the internet. And it was just a red fabric on a green grass with Jisoo's name and the words "COMING SOON". The amount of support that her solo debut teaser received is mind-blowing.
The insanity does not end there. With just this teaser, Jisoo's debut solo album surpasses BLACKPINK's records of highest first-day pre-orders in Ktown4u's history with 159,846 pre-orders. Additionally, her album became the fastest album to surpass 200,000 pre-orders on Ktown4u in just 1 day and 19 hours.
Without a doubt, Jisoo's solod debut would be breaking records. And she absolutely deserved it!
Showing my support
Aside from liking, commenting, and sharing the posts related to Jisoo's solo debut, I have decided to do something a little bit impulsive. I say impulsive because never have I ever thought that I would do something like it. Some might say that what I have decided to do is a waste of money or stupid. But I am still doing it anyway.
I have decided to pre-order Jisoo's solo debut album. Yes, I know! It is very exciting. I am counting down the seconds till March 31, 2023 comes here because I cannot wait for her debut.
Now the problem is even though I have the money for it, I do not know how to pre-order a K-Pop album while ensuring that it still counts towards the Hanteo Chart which is used for music show calculations such as in Ingikayo, Music Bank, Show Champion, etc.
At first, I was not worried because my friend who has been a K-Pop fan since high school wanted to order one as well so I said I would just go along with how she buys her albums. Unfortunately, she ended up changing her mind due to a tight financial situation leaving me back to zero.
I tried to follow the links included in the official announcements, but the delivery fee is too much for me. Imagine, I would have to pay $30+ for a $20 album. That was just out of the choices for me.
Thankfully, I remembered that my partner's sister is also a K-Pop fan and what's more is that she buys her supported groups' merchandises. So, my partner asked his sister where she buys albums.
She gave him this link. She mentioned that this store actually has a physical stall which she visits but since I want to pre-order, I cannot do that and can only do it online. https://shopee.ph/-PRE-ORDER-JISOO-First-Single-Album-i.279477055.22029714813
I checked the link and read the product description.
This is what caught my attention. After reading that, I decided to just buy it since I noticed that stocks are getting sold out fast. I actually missed my chance buying what I wanted.
I wanted the red version with YG POB but it was already sold out by the time I checked the link. So, I was caught between buying just the red version of the album without the POB or buying the black version of the album with YG POB.
I ended up buying the black version with the POB since I wanted to have the pre-order benefit from her because I could still afford it and why not, right?
I pre-ordered it even though it was tempting to just wait until the release date since I heard from my partner's sister that it takes a while for pre-orders to be delivered. I listened but I ended up still giving in to my desire to have the POB.
In case you are curious, this is the price of the album without the POB.
I was actually surprised since I have always thought that albums were super expensive. Well maybe, they still are expensive for many people but for me, I have the extra money for it.
A few minutes ago
Just a few minutes ago, the official Facebook page of BLACKPINK posted this. https://www.facebook.com/BLACKPINKOFFICIAL/posts/pfbid02hWYyqnJ5UZp4F2YvXQ71MedDrJLy7pht1jSSyre7fZiTBApGPxnRYtigDLAAyoEal
This is what the package box of the red version looks like. Jisoo is like a goddess here and I want this version too.
This is what the black version of the album looks like. I also really like this one because she looks like a goddess in this as well. Actually, the more that I look at the two versions, the more that I am starting to see the appeal of the black version. Let us see if I change my mind when the other inclusions are revealed.
Holding my breath
I will be waiting with bated breath for Jisoo's solo debut and the arrival of my first ever album as well. I will be sharing the album with you guys as soon as I received it.
Anyway, I just dropped by really quickly to write this since I was so excited for it.
Thesis Title Defended
It has been a while since my last update. Actually, I have been so busy with the finals week that I barely had any sleep at all. But in the end, it was all worth it.
Let me share a brief overview of the days leading up to the pre-oral defense and the day of pre-oral defense.
2 weeks before
At this point, our group was already done with the manuscript. That is until another consultation was done due to a free time in an expert's schedule. This gave us the opportunity to speak with one of the would-be panelist so we did not let the chance slid by.
In truth, only a few members of our group managed to attend due to the suddenness of the announcement. Thankfully, we were able to still go because his insights were valuable to the improvement of our manuscript.
It is already a bit late for revisions but we still did our best to try and make it work. I spent many days where I would sleep at 3:00 AM then wake up at 7:30 AM. Those were not the pleasant days. But I still did my best to squeezed it in my tight schedule.
A week before
The week leading up to the pre-oral defense was very stressful. I actually struggled a lot with keeping my temper in check when my groupmates do not work as fast or as good as I wanted them to. I know we are all overwhelmed because the hell week coincides with the preparation for defense but I was feeling a bit bitter because they have time to review and to rest while my time has been taken up by revisions of thesis.
Thankfully, our group managed to survive the preparations without major arguments. It is extremely lucky since many groups in our batch are already having fights within their group. It is a good thing that our group consists of some of the most chill people so even when we are feeling the pressure, we are still able to laugh about it.
Additionally, instead of having uninterrupted dry runs, our group was busy with handling the things to be used for the defense like mic, speakers, and projectors. It was irritating because the other groups have all the time ti prepare while we do not have that luxury.
Day of pre-oral defense
The day started too early for me as I am an assistant leader which meant that I had to be at the university by 6:00 AM because we still need to set up the room for the defense. It was frustrating because the other group leaders and assistant leaders did not go to school at the expected time which meant that the workload piled up and our whole block had to pick up the slack of the other blocks. It seemed to us that those students only cared bout getting throughthe thesis without caring about anything else.
As the opening remarks ended, me and our group leader was able to meet with the other group members. The group leader to be assigned next semester led a morning prayer to prepare us for the defense. Then we did a bit of refresher to ensure that we all have the information we need.
When the time came for our group to present, we were nervous because we lack preparation and we know it. We even had to cut our presentation short because of the time limit. There were good suggestions given by the panelists. And much to our surprise, it was not as bad as we thought it would be. The panelists did not call us individually to be heavily questioned. What happened was more of a consultation than a defense since the panelists gave lots of recommendations on what part we should focus on for the next semester.
I think it is a bit expected that they will not be so serious since it is just a pre-oral defense for now. But I am glad that we were able to get it over with.
After defense
After our group presentation, we ate lunch as a group. I treated our group to lunch since I just got my stipend and I also wanted to say thank you to them. Not because I did not have any contribution to the group, I am actually one of the major contibutor to our paper, but I treat them to lunch because I did not want them to think that I harbor any ill feelings towards the difference in our work ethics.
Despite the fact that our group does not meet as much as the other groups, I have grown rather fond of them. I am actually looking forward to learning how to build the prototype of our project because when our group was together, we just can not stop laughing.
Our thesis title was approved with minor revisions to be added to the manuscript. I can say that it was a great thing because other groups were given a new title to work on because the panelists did not approve of their first titles.
Closing words
Being a 4th year student is a lot more tiring than I expected. I expected it to be difficult but I am still surprised at how much I did struggle with the amount of work to be done. It came to the point that even when I do have free time, I did not want to write an article here because I would rather spend it resting. It is only now that I managed to finish an article. I do have a lot of articles in drafts but they are unfinished because I ran out of energy halfway through writing them.
I still make no promises on regular updates in this account since I have to work on crochet orders that piled up, but hopefully, I will be able to interact with everyone again.
In the face of shame, therapy saved me
One of the hardest things I had to face was admitting I needed help. However, it is something that has made me realize a lot of things.
After a few months
My last psychotherapy session was on July 26. I had been wanting to go back but I always find excuses not to. Until today wherein I have to actually face the shame of not showing up after a while.
I was not excited about it. Scratch that. I really wished I did not have to do it. I was actually so close to just pretending I am attending my therapy instead of actually going.
But in the end, it seems like a part of me does want to get better. So, I messaged the clinic asking for my psychologist's availability. I was informed that his schedule for 7 pm today was available. So, I decided to pay for the consultation before I changed my mind.
A few hours before
I used to prepare for the consultation. I had a document wherein I would jot down my thoughts and feelings, trying to decide what I want to discuss with my psychologist. I would also hype myself up so that I will be able to present a good version of myself.
But today, I did not do any preparation at all. It was not due to not feeling nervous at all. It was more of the fact that I did not want to go.
I actually did not know how to face him after not going to therapy for months and showing up with the news that I tried to end it all.
I was afraid that I would feel more disappointed with myself.
So, I tried to ignore the hours leading up to 7 pm.
I was so intent on ignoring the time that I was actually able to do some activities related to academics. I was surprised to see just how much work I can do when I try to distract myself. I honestly have forgotten how responsible I could be when I wanted to be.
Still, despite my new-found productivity, the time that I am trying to ignore has come.
During the therapy
My usual self was to go to the virtual meeting room 15 minutes before the therapy starts so that I would not be late. But in this recent therapy session, I waited until the scheduled time before I clicked on the virtual meeting link.
The psychologist is already there preparing for our consultation.
I went into therapy without any idea about what I should say or if I even want to say anything. I think this is the reason why finding a therapist I feel comfortable with is important because, despite my hesitance to attend, I was still comforted with the knowledge that this psychologist is someone I could trust.
I have only had three consultations with this psychologist prior to this therapy yet I already feel as though I can be honest with my feelings during our session. I did not feel invalidated as well unlike my experience with other psychologists and psychiatrists. So, even if I am unwilling to believe in myself again, I still went to therapy. I am a bit glad that I did.
My psychologist, let us call him JG, is an angel.
My primary fear of showing up again was the disappointment that I failed to control myself and give in to my thoughts. I was afraid to hear that I made some sort of mistake and be questioned about why I did what I did.
And though those things were discussed, JG managed to bring up the sensitive topics without triggering me.
Going into the session, I did not know what to say or how to say it. But when I was finally there talking to him, I was able to be honest about what I am truly feeling. I decided to take the first step and trust him as well.
I believe that a person will not be able to help me in the best possible way if I keep hiding things from them. So, I decided to be truthful when I answered the questions he asked.
Thoughts
What I really loved about going to therapy is being able to face the ugly truth that I am feeling. Growing up, I repressed a lot of emotions in an attempt to be a perfect daughter. But in therapy, I could share my emotions despite the logical part of me that views those emotions as immature.
Moreover, JG did not give me any reaction that could trigger me.
I am on thin ice right now as such small things could literally push me over the edge. It was why I was scared to see another mental health professional after all. What if someone I trusted would become the one to push me over that edge?
Thankfully, it was not what happened.
JG was able to bring some sense of calm into my chaotic mind. He was also able to understand the sentences I left unsaid, and bring them to light so that I could have a place to talk about them.
When people said therapy was a place free of judgment, I doubted it. My experience was not that great after all. But by finding the right psychologist for me, I was able to understand how therapy could be a good thing.
Therapy did not magically heal me. Still, that one session gave me a bit of hope again. Despite how empty I may feel right now, in that session, I felt like myself again even if it was just for a short time. Because of that, I was able to find some strength to continue fighting.
As an Intern
This is a very late article but I still want to share it.
As a 4th year college student, we are required to have an internship in line with our course or at least related to it. To be honest, I did not have any idea where I would apply so I was just going to go with whatever happens. Fortunately, I was able to be an intern at a good company.
What are my options for the COE?
COE is the suject code related to on the job trainings or OJT. At the start of our semester, we were oriented about the options we have to pass the subject.
The first one is for the working students. If they are already working in a career related to our course then they only have to submit a certificate of employment to our professor.
The second one is the virtual internship. Unfortunately, during this time our college was still not allowed to have face to face or hybrid internship setup. It is such a shame since the usual partners for internship of our program only offers face to face internships.
Lastly, we have to option to take a certification program hosted by Wadhwani Foundation. At the end of the program, we can get a global certificate related to soft skills as long as we passed the formative assessments.
A student can take one of these options or they can take two options as well. The certification program can be taken with either of the first two option. Those students who take two options will have an additional grade for completing the certification program.
How did I learn about Erovoutika?
I have actually encountered Erovoutika before when I was looking for webinars to attend because I was bored. Most of their webinar require a fee though so I did not attend any of it in the past.
When the list of companies for our OJT was released by our university, we barely had any option. We only had 2 for our course in fact.
I applied to both, hoping they would consider me. But I was also bit resigned in thinking that maybe I will just go take the easier route which is taking just the certification program.
Thankfully, I received a reply from Erovoutika which started my internship journey.
Internship application process
The first thing I did was to send an email with my CV attached to Erovoutika. After a while, I received a response informing me that I am scheduled to take an interview with the admin.
Honestly, I was nervous since I did not know what to expect. I was wondering if I have to study or not. But in the end I chose to just show up in the virtual meeting with just myself.
I was actually scheduled to take the interview with some of my classmates so we were able to laugh the nervous energy off. Thankfully, we all passed the initial interview. We were informed of this via an email informing us that we have to do a skills presentation as a final interview.
At this point, some classmates already backed out because they got other offers from one of the many companies they emailed. When the skills presentation came, only three of us from the same university remained.
After the presentation, all three of us were assigned at the Electronics department. When this was announced, my two classmates were already having doubts because our course, while related to electronics, deals with other stuff.
Still we attended the orientations together and joined the telegram group chats for communication with the other interns. We were told that we can start as soon as we can, but the three of us decided to confirm with our professor if we can continue with the internship since it is most aligned with Electronics.
Although the professor gave us the go signal, my two classmates decided they did not want to continue anymore. So I was left alone in this opportunity.
I decided to push through because Electronics is one of the subjects where I did not pay attention to so I wanted to challenge myself.
Closing words
I will be ending the article here. I still have some stories to share about my internship experience. This is just the beginning. Although I am not sure when I will be abe to write again.
Honestly, there are days when I miss being an intern. It was difficult but it felt incredibly rewarding for me.
Back to the Beginning
As a child, I have consumed many media telling me that a prince charming will come to my life. His presence will solve all of my problems and we will live happily ever after.
It sounds so amazing to the younger version of me. The promise of being with someone who will see me and love me wholly and truthfully made me happy. Moreover, this same person will also give me everything I could ever want.
What kind of child would be able to resist falling into a fairytale like that?
Childhood memories
My childhood is not full of bad memories. I actually made a lot of happy memories with my family and I have felt loved and cared for.
I am not sure when it all started to feel different for me. When did the compliments start to become pressures that keep pushing down on me?
I do not know. But I know that the thing that keot me moving forward was the same fairytale life I once consumed back when I was younger.
Life laughs at me
The more I try to persevere, and wait for the erfect love to save me, the more life continued to throw multiple challenges in my face.
Every time I try to rise above the challenges I would wake up and find myself in a deeper hole than before. I never knew how that happened. All I knew is that whenever I thought life is going to get brighter, it begins to turn for the worse.
This happens far too often that I am starting to resign myself into this kind of life. However, a tiny part of me still hopes.
Bright hope
This tiny part refuse to disappear despite the darkness that eats me inside, the hope just burn bright. Sometimes, I can ignore the light when I focus too much on the darkness but there are times when I have to admit that it is there.
Despite the hopelessness I feel, hope stays in my life. Even when I think I had enough of life, a part of me still clings and says *"not yet".*
So I get up each day even when it is the last thing I want to do. I go through the motions of life even when my mind is telling me to just disappear.
I would be lying if I said that my determination suddenly changed me and my situation. In truth is that my determination to live is usually eclipsed my by deep longing to die. Yet I am still here, so maybe my determination is more sly than I thought.
I am at my lowest point during the best part of my life. It is funny how my life is so much better than it was before yet my mental health is down the gutter. I try to stop from blaming myself but I acknowledge that my actions did cause this decline in my mental health.
My plan
I do not have a solid plan because a depressive episode is a hard thing to deal with. My body literally feel as if I am underwater and I constantly ask myself if I am drowning.
But I do not want to wait for something that will never happen. I can not keep waiting for help when I am not even loving myself enough.
So my plan is to learn how to love myself. And isn't that the funniest thing?
I made this account when I was in a manic induced self-love journey and here I am in a depressive episode still trying to love myself.
I knew that recovery will not be easy but I admit that it is harder than I thought.
Still, I want to keep trying. I do not want to grow old bitter about life, angry about everything, and sad about missed opportunities. I remember my high school self telling others that all she wanted was to be happy. The kind of happy that is not fragile nor a ticking time bomb like manic episodes. No, I want the happy where I feel calm and peace in my bones.
I want that kind of happiness, and I will get there someday.
The first step in finding myself again is getting back here. Not for any reason but to write. No longer will I be anxious about interactions or other things. My focus for now is to let myself write again because writing is a safe place for me.
I will not make any promises any more. But if you are reading this, just know that I am trying my best- to stay alive, to be here, to write.
I hope that soon, I could make another article sharing about how happy I am with my life.
Needles with Coffee and Donuts
Unexpected things are the best.
Especially when it comes to meeting the people I love. I am specifically referring to one of my best friend who is studying nursing. She has strict parents so she can not go out as much as our other best friend does and she also can not stay out too late or too long.
This is the reason why I have a secret promise to myself that if this best friend ever asks for our company at any day or any time, so long as I m not doing something necessary, then I will be there in the place she wants to meet at.
The day that started it
I have a little background story to share before I get back to the present story.
Back in 2019, when we were still green in college, my bestfriend, "Nars", decided to ask me if I am willing to be her dummy for one of their retdem (return demo).
What she needed to do was inject sterilized water to a 'patient' so that she would get the experience she needed to put the lessons into test.
Since I have full confidence in her, I agreed to be her test dummy. I do not regret it even though in hindsight, I should have probably adjusted the amount of trust I have on her expertise on the matter since it was her first time doing it.
What happened next is something I will never forget. When she inserted the syringe, and push the water into my body, it felt as though fires were spreading rapidly under my skin. As I did not want to startle her or demotivate her, I did my best to hide the pain from my facial expressions. But I guess she kinda figure out that it must have hurt since the sign she was looking for that she did the procedure right is not there.
Even though the first trial hurts, I was still willing to let her try it again on my other arm. Let it not be said that I have failed to support my bestfriend in her dream to become a nurse. Unfortunately, due to some insensitive and thoughtless remarks of our other friend rpesent there at the time, Nars lost her courage to try again in my other arm.
I hated seeing her excitement and confidence fall that day. Since then, she was afraid to ask anyone again for her to practice on, and during the pandemic she only tried doing the injection on her own body for practice.
However, I was determined to show her that what happened did not change the fact that I believe in her ability. So since that day, I was patiently waiting for her to tell us that she needed test dummies for her injection practice.
The awaited day shows its face
Last Friday, as I got home from a date with my partner, Nars sent a message to our groupchat (me, Nars, and our other bestfriend we shall refer to as Engr) asking if we will be busy on Sunday (October 9).
Engr said that it depends on what Nars will say next. On the other hand, I just said that yes I am free that day and whenever she needed company.
Nars then said that she wanted to practice her injection skils again and asked us if we were willing to volunteer. Unfortunately, Engr has made prior arrangements with her girlfriend so that just left me as her test dummy (again).
I felt sad about it since I know Nars got a bit envious of her classmates who have a lot of people who volunteer to be their guinea pig. For Nars, no one in her immediate circle is willing to let her practice on them since she lacks experience. But then how willshe gain experience without practice, right?
Since I did not want her to feel tht way, I asked her if she wanted more volunteers. When she said yes, I asked my partner if he was willing to be a test dummy as well. I am not expecting much since it was on Sunday which is usually one of the days that we decided to dedicate to our families and personal time. But he agreed, and said that he will try his best to be there as well.
I relayed the message to her. But told her in confidence that I will be there no matter what happens.
The day finally comes
Sunday comes in a blink.
The day started late for me since I took my sweet time sleeping in. It has been a while since I was able to do that.
After lunch, I interacted with Nars, and my partner to know what to expect today. My partner told me he will be able to make it to the planned meeting. And Nars shared that she was still doing her video for her other subjects before she goes out.
Everything works out in our favor. And by 3:15PM, we are all at the meeting place.
We decided to meet at Dunkin' Donuts since it is close to Nars' house. We also bought some food and drinks so that we will not be hungry and thirsty. I was unable to capture Nars' drink in the picture since she was drinking it already when I took this picture.
The practice
Nars started her practice by reading up on the guidelines again and again until she felt ready... to try it on a tomato.
Yes, she was still so scared of what happened back during our freshmen year (we are 4th year students now) that she decided to try it on a tomato first before doing it to us.
She was actually so hesitant that she tried to shrugit off and say that we should just watch her do it on a tomato since she was unsure how to do it to a real person. She had all these excuses she was saying just to convince us that she is okay without practicing on us.
But I did not let her fear and hesitation stop her desire to practice. I know she was scared since the frist time she tried it was a bad experience. But she learned a lot from that day and I wanted to let her see it for herself.
After a few minutes of back and forth, she finally agreed to do the first practice injection on me. She has to do different injections but the names are lost on me. I just knew that she poked me with a syringe.
The first injection hurts but not as much as before and the pain was not as long or intense. When I described what I felt, I could see that she was happy since she got the procedure right. We made sure to celebrate that win with her.
Then the next trial was on my partner. This one was supposed to be painful but there was a mistake in the procedure so he did not feel any pain, and what needed to be observed was not observed.
For the next one, we wanted Nars to try the same type of injection again on my other arm. She only decided to use a small amount of water since the procedure is expected to be painful. And I am so glad she did that because it was truly painful. Not as painful as the first one, nowhere near that pain but it was still painful.
The effect we were waiting for is not that noticeable since she only used a small amount of water. But when we touch the area, we could feel a small bump (I forgot the medical term she used) as expected.
She said she will do it with the correct amount on her own arm to show us what it should look like. She has already done this before so she knows she can do it on herself. She did it successfully.
We took a small break here since she is in pain. We discussed about some interesting medical topics sprinkled with personal stories here and there.
For the last injection, my partner told Nars that he wanted to experience the first injection she made on me today. He agreed to let Nars do it on his other arm. This time he felt the water enter his system and then we knew it was successful.
Overall, the practice tests she did today went well. She was able to get some experience and gained confidence with herself again.
We left Dunkin' Donuts with good memories.
Closing words
I can not even begin to describe how grateful I am to my partner for agreeing to be a test dummy as well. I appreciate his trust and willingness to help my bestfriend. He truly is amazing.
I am glad that Nars gained some experience before she has her first duty as a student-nurse. I am happy to support her in anyway I can.
This day is one of my favorite memories this year.
Unforgettabe Memory
Today is a great day for sure. It was tiring, but at the same time, I feel so accomplished.
There were so many factors that lifted my mood today. Some of which started at the start of this week.
A new phone
The first thing that happened that brought me to a great mood is having a new phone. The phone that I have been using for many months are held on together by masking tape so that the screen would not fall off. I am not complaining since it was my choice to swap phones with my father because he needed a phone with a higher specs due to his work.
It was embarrassing though having to use the phone I have been using during face to face classes. I have no problem showing it to my friends, partner, family or even strangers. But for my classmates, I feel a bit weird about it because my mind is making up all these stories about how I am being judged over my phone.
Well, the only time the maskin time was super noticeable on my phone was during the first day but for the succeeding classes, I made sure to cut the tape so that the phone case will cover it. Although it did nothing to hide the cracked screen of my phone.
I will not be telling much bout the new phone right now since I do plan to write a separate article about it.
Basically, I got a new phone thanks to my sister's, Manju, generosity.
Internship Completed
I have finished rendering 200 hours of internship at the company I chose. I actually had my last day on October 5 but I did not celebrate yet because I still needed to attend the endorsement meeting with the OJT Supervisor, and admin.
The start of the week was basically me counting down the hours till the end of my internship. But when the last day finally came, I did feel a bit emotional. 200 hours passed by so fast.
I am happy that it is over but I would miss the daily interaction I have with my co-interns. And even though it was such a short period of time, I can confidenty say that my internship helped me regain a bit of self-confidence.
The reason is that my internship was mostly inclined for those in the Electronics/ Electrical field. As I have mentioned in my previous articles, I am an Instrumentation and Control Engineering student.
And though I have a basic knowledge on Electronics, that knowledge is barely enough for the projects I encountered in my internship. Thankfully, my co-interns were heaven-sent.
I will also keep this part short for now since I realized I have so many things I want to say about my internship and it is better to do it in another article.
After all, the first 2 things I shared bout are not what gave me the happy pill I needed today.
Holding and seeing him again
The thing that made this day so unforgettable is seeing my partner again after such a long time.
It was so nice to see him again and be able to hear his voice and laughs. I also liked the fact that I could his smile, and I could hold his hands.
He went to our house after the endorsement meeting at my internship. We only had a limited time sinceI have classes in the late afternoon. But he still went to see me.
First, we did some errand date together. He needed to have something notarized so we looked for places where it can be done. The first place we went to was not able to do it but they did give us some direction on where to find another place that can.
So we went there and after a few minutes of waiting it was done.
After that, we went to get some food. We did meet up when I sent him some link about the food that me and my sisters used to love eating for midnight snack.
The food set is called a PG box. I am not sure what the PG means. I forgot already. The box contains 2 pieces of chicken with 2 different dips (honey mustard, and korean dip), then there are 2 carbonara, and 2 small cheese pizza. The price when we first bought it was P249. Now due to the continuous increase of prices for basic items, the price went up to P289. It is still a great deal for me though!
When I shared the link to my partner, he invited me to go there. I was beyond excited when he said that because I really wanted to see him after such a tiring week. So even if I had needed to have a class on my phone, I would have done so.
Thankfully, it did not come to that since the 4:30pm to 6:00pm was cancelled.
I thought there was a dine in at the store but it turns out they are only opened for delivery and take out. It was a bit surprising for me since in their Facebook apge I saw that they used to have space for dine in customers.
This is the name of the store we went to. He ordered a PG box for us, and also placed an order for a box of pizza for my family.
When we got there, it started to rain lightly so we took cover at a nearby store and bought some softdrink to quench our thirst.
After a few minutes, the orders were done. Since there was no dine in option at the place, we decided to go back to our house. Good thing that the palce is close so we got home quickly.
This is the PG box that we ordered for ourselves. It was as delicious as I remember and I kinda feel like crying now that I remember that I tasted it again after such a long time.
I was glad that my partner also liked the taste of their food. Unfortunately, I was unable to take a picture of the pizza box he ordered for my family.
I have a picture of him holding the two boxes but I will keep that to myself.
Closing words
The day is memorable because it is the first time we have seen each other in a while. It was also a first meeting after many things happened.
I am not sure if the PG box tasted better than before because of some ingredients change or maybe (most likely) it tasted better because I was sharing it with him.
At first, I was afraid to see just how much things have changed. And yet, things just felt right and calm when I was with him.
I look forward to seeing him again, this time I want to be the one to treat him to somewhere he wants. I am excited to spend more days with him.
The New Beginning
In this article, I will share my experiences as a trainee, once again and my professional goal.
I have started my new journey to this new company after resigning. I haven't taken any break as my bill will piled up if I do so. This new work I found is a permanent work at home setup, which what I really wanted. in addition to that, the offer is more competitive than my previous job. I also felt that they valued the well-being of their employees when they moved our training due to the typhoon that passed recently.
**First Day**
This is our New Hire Orientation. As expected I am more focused during the payroll talk than the other topics. Since it is virtual, I was able to do a lot of things, all I did was to put the meeting on speaker, since my participation was not really necessary. I was able to do my bed, fold my dresses and a lot more. We were able to meet the trainers and other representatives from different department.
**Second Day**
This is the start of the real training. We were already assigned to our respective trainers. We setup or tools which took all day to finalized everyone's credentials. After that, for no more than 30 minutes, we did our meet and greet to our wave mates. Funny since we are 40 trainees in total, so I doubt that I'll be able to know them before the training ends. Given that the training will only be for a month.
**Third Day**
This day at least, started the real discussion about the account that we were assigned to. We've done group activities as well. It was my first time doing a virtual presentation, so I kind of tried to find the gist of the feeling. I got close to my teammates as they were all participative and very approachable. We shared a lot of topic which was out of the discussion. The other team opened their camera, I just can't. Good thing that I am not the only one who opposed on doing so, all of us did.
**Fourth Day**
This was our last day since our supposed first day was cancelled because of the storm. Our trainer made us watched a 3 hours video. She informed us to count the number of "yeses" in the whole video. I'm not kidding when I tell you that the main cast of the video ALWAYS answers with a "Yes". Like "How was your day?" "Yes". We also learned that the best way to end an awkward conversation is to simply say "yes". After that, she made us regroup and assigned a specific roleplay. Our group was assigned to do a K-Drama play. I am not a good artist at all! It turned out chaotic and fun at the same time.
**Feedback**
Our trainer is a pretty girl and a typical "babaeng bakla". So the training turned out fun because of her sided comments. She also allotted longer break times, which I love the most. HAHA! I also learned that we will be her last batch of training. We didn't pry on the reasons. My co-trainees are all engaged and very humble. That's why I felt confident participating in the discussion without the fear of being judged.
**Goal**
I did a crowdsourcing, were I have asked the person who referred us about the career growth in the company. She mentioned that most trainers were only employed for almost a year. They also started as an agent to their way up. It motivates me to pursue my dream on becoming a trainer, in God's good grace. That's why I am exerting extra efforts in the account. Hopefully, I'll perform well, to get referral from my soon to be team manager.
Author's Note
I applied for a part time job. Nowdays have been really hard in terms of financial and I need to work extra to keep up with the bills. It is a virtual job and it will be paid hourly. Training will start third week of October, so I still have time to relax. Guess Mr. Right will need to wait more since I will be stuck at home for a while.
Today is my rest day and I will bring Moshi to her brother. What's your plan today? Are you looking for a job that is permanent work at home? This is the company that will work for you!
If only rain could wash away the pain
In life, a person makes numerous choices everyday. Too many in fact that most of the decisions one makes are not that memorable.
For example, when you wake up, you already have to make a choice between hitting the snooze on your alarm or getting up at that instance.
Our life is composed of these thousands of decisions we make everyday where a single choice might lead us to a different direction.
If only you knew the future
If you have the ability to peek through time, would you do it?
The chance of knowing the future and trying to avoid it a bad fate is not a small matter. I would be lying if I say I don't want to have that ability.
After all, I made a fair share of decisions I regret. I did a lot of actions that brought hurt to my loved ones. I did things that are destructive to myself.
If only I had known what I know now, I am sure I would not have made that mistake.
With rain, comes realization
However, I know wondering about things like these is useless. After all, no one knows how to turn back time nor how to predict the future.
As much as I would love to prevent things from happening or to undo the mistakes I made in the past, I only have the present to live in.
However, that does not mean that all hope is lost.
No matter how difficult it is, mistakes can be rectified by first accepting responsibility.
It is tempting to blame things outside of our control. It is so easy to point fingers and say:
'This made me do it.'
'I did not mean to. I only did it because you did this. '
'If this thing did not happen then I would not have done this. '
It is so easy to shift the story so that we can push the responsibility away from our actions.
Yet, a mistake can only be corrected once you take responsibility for it and admit its existence.
If only rain could erase the pain
How easy would life be if a simple thing such as rain could wash away the hurts we inflicted in our loved ones?
Can you imagine a world where your heart's burdens could be washed away by soaking up the rain?
Alas, we are not living in some kind if fantasy.
In the real world, once a trust has been cracked, it takes a long time to rebuild it.
It is like a sand castle that takes time ti be built but a single push can make it fall. Sometimes, it is easier to just let the waves wash away the remaining parts of the sand castle to let it go back to being a blank slate.
In that scenario, I would think that two people where trust is broken would part ways to start over but with different people.
And then maybe, you really liked the sand castle you have been building so even if it already mostly crumbled, you still try to rebuild it while taking care not to ruin the remaining parts.
In life, it is not a decision entirely up to you. After all, if you break someone's trust, you can not force them to forgive and forget just because you regret it and willing to make up for it.
Sometimes, you will not get a second chance in fixing things. If you are lucky, maybe you will get a second chance.
Either way, it is not a decision entirely up to you.
If you are the one who broke someone's trust, then you can decided if you want to have a second chance. If you do, you can reach out and try to reconnect. But then if the person you have hurt does not want it then you have no choice but to let go. Take the lesson, no matter how bitter it tastes.
And if you are lucky enough to have another chance, then do your best to ensure that you deserve that chance.
After all, the pain that each of us can leave on one another can not be washed away by just simply standing under the rain.
I learned this lesson the hard way. So I am writing this because someone who might need might stumble upon it, and not make the same mistake I did.
Self-fulfilling Prophecy
In the books I have read during my teen years, one major plot of the series was the prophecies that heroes received.
The series I am talking about was the one with Percy Jackson. I forgot the exact name of the series since it has been a while when I last re-read it.
Anyway, these prophecies are given to heroes to have a dangerous quest. Most of them tell of a future that could mean death, and some prophecies held answers in the lines.
However, even with these prophecies, they have no way of knowing how any of the battles would turn.
In the books, they mentioned that some tried to escape the fate told by the prophecies by going against what was said. But instead of being saved, the prophecies still ended up being manifested into reality in a much more dangerous way.
I remember a scene in the books clearly, where the heroes wanted to try and cheat the prophecy. But they still ended up going through what was said because they have no way of predicting how everything would turn out. They followed a prophecy that could lead them to their doom.
In real life
There are no such prophecies in real life. Some claim they can predict the future bu no one can be too sure about what any of them say. After all, many people still try to take advantage of others.
But one thing that happens is self-fulfilling prophecies. These are the future scenarios that we conjured in our minds.
Some may be a good scenario of getting a job or receiving an award. While other maybe the fears that we have in our lives such as failing a subject or losing an important file.
When these unfortunate situations take place, we tend to feel a bit of relief that what we have thought have come to pass. Then came the crashing of wave realization of what happened.
Have we truly predicted the future? Or have we just acted in a way that brings that future to reality?
In truth, I do not have an answer for this one.
It differs from everyone's perspectives, after all. Some may believe that they can see the future coming months away, and some are just too scared of the future they fear that they end up facing the exact same situation.
I have personally experienced a few self-fulfilling prophecy.
One is about failing a subject where I did not like the teacher. Instead of studying for it, I just acted carelessly because in my mind I thought that I was going to fail anyway. It ended up being true. Most likely because of my own actions rather than any prediction that teenage me could have made.
The next one is when I got my scholarship, and a good qualifyin marks for the only University I applied at. I was really busy thinking about how these things would contribute to my life that I unknowingly worked hard for it.
Instead of just waiting for these two things to fall on my lap, I researched again and again until I feel like I know everything there is to know about them.
It worked in my favor as until now I am still enjoying both the scholarship, and my stay at that exact University.
I also "predicted" some other things out of my control such as an ex cheating on me.
This one, I believe that I just saw it coming because of my observation skills. And instead of doing anything about it, I just watched the scene unfold in front of my eyes. And when it finally comes to light, I was thinking "called it".
Although, I wonder if such a thing would have happened no matter what I did. I don't know and I have no way of finding out.
And then the last self-fulfilling prophecy I had is a recurring one. It is deeply rooted in my insecurities and trauma response. Yet despite knowing all these things, the future that I have watched in my mind over and over played out right before my eyes.
I don't even have any energy to use for crying anymore. Because at the core of it all, I know that it was my actions that brought me in this situation.
Maybe if I had taken a different action at some of the things that take place then it would not have happened. But hindsight is useless in the grand scheme of things
What does it matter now that I know it is all on me when everything is said and done?
I honestly don't know why I wrote this article. Maybe I just needed to find a way to feel more like myself in the chaos I am feeling. Maybe I wanted to share it so others won't have to do the same self-destructive things I do.
The truth is I feel so caught up in who everyone expects me to be and who I truly am. In the time I spent filling the shoes of other's expectations of me, the one I truly am has faded in the farthest corner of myself. It's funny when I feel like an audience in my own life. I watch myself ruin things that I value and then be stubborn about admitting it.
However, even in this messy state, I know that I do not want to continue being selfish.
Good Cry, Goodbye
***September 26, 2022***
This day marked as the last day of employment in my job. As I was excited to end my day, I never thought that I will feel such attachment towards my peers. If you know how much I rant about my employer, you will also be shocked that I felt loved by my colleagues.
Since both me and my friend will end our employement, we planned a little celebration. First, it was decided that it will be a team lunch until the whole production floor joined. This statement is without exaggeration. Even our bosses joined our lunch. What I appreciated more is that my teammates and colleagues gave their own share for the food. I thought that it will just be me and my friend who will cover the lunch alone, but we were surprised that they contributed a lot!
Our lunch consists of 6 boxes of Angel's pizza, Pancit that was made with love (as per my team since it was ordered on a motel's menu), fried chicken, chao fan (sponsored by our company since we have free food on Fridays) and soft drinks. It suffice the hunger of my colleague, I sighed in relief.
Since it was my last day, I didn't plan to perform well but I was still hoping to leave with a good numbers in my performance. But then as we are on a off peak season, it became impossible on my end. A high avail time plus voicemail calls combined resulting to zero performance. Haha! At least finally I won't need to be stressed over something I can't control.
Going back to the good vibes, all day long during our shift, I heard them saying that they will miss us. I mean one goodbye is already saddening. Imagine two bouncing baby girl leaving at the same time, I feel for them. But now comes the moment of truth, it is already the end of our shift, our final shift. I never expected something out of the ordinary. I was just thinking of a formal goodbye, as what I was used everytime I resigned to a company. This time is different. Again, without exaggeration, the whole production floor peeps came to us saying goodbye. Hugs this and there. The first time I hugged a lot of people on a day. Some took a picture with us (wow, artista yan?). The whole floor was legit noisy and all you will hear is goodbye and goodluck. The moment I got teary eyed was when I hugged my first ever superior in that company. The person who saw me broke down and saw me rise up again. But I managed to hold back my tears and made a joke to make the mood light. We were the last to leave the office since we still said goodbyes to our friendly guard and custodians, whom we shared jokes and office teas.
As much as I hate the account for their uncontrollable metrics and demands, I can't deny the fact that I have enjoyed my moment with my peers. The moments where we have to hide our movies to our superiors since it's not allowed in the office. How we snuck in food in the production floor. How we complain about the account's demand. How we had an inappropriate conversation during our shift. How we tease each other. How we were alive when sharing gossips. I will cherish those moments. Sadly, it's not enough to cover how eager we are to leave.
***"It's just goodbye, it's not the end"***
Author's Note
After shift we went to the clinic to fully maximize our health card. Initially, we were planning to do our physical examination but it needed endorsement from the company, so we ended up with a general consultation. I learned that I have Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ) disorder. That explains why everytime I yawn, my jaw cracked and sometimes it causes pain. Doctor's advised was for me to be conservative in terms of laughing, eating and anything that involves force in my jaw.
The Night Is Still Young
*"If you have crazy friends, you have everything"*
Me and my kambal decided to leave our current work and moved to permanent work from setup. We only have a few days left before we end our employment in our current job. As part of celebrating as we go freely from that prison (HAHA!), we decided to have our very own girl's night; just the two of us. There was a lot of conflict that happened on the day that we planned on drinking. My friend was not aware that her boyfriend's sibling will celebrate his birthday that day. She went on and did her laundry and looked after their store. She was just shocked when her boyfriend's sibling went to their house to pick them up.
Her unprepared self hurriedly dressed up, as well as the kids invited to the party. After telling me what happened, I informed her that it is okay if we will not be able to proceed with the planned night out, since she doesn't have enough sleep yet. After telling her that, I unknowingly slept. I never thought that that made her uneasy. She thought that I was sulking over it. I only noticed her call when I woke up, which I guess after 4 hours of sleep. I also learned that she messaged my siblings asking about me, good thing that they informed her that I was soundly sleeping.
Now that I am awake, I messaged her informing that I was really asleep at that time and told her that I am okay with cancelling the plan, and that's wholeheartedly true. I don't know why, but I think she still thought that cancelling a plan with me would make me mad. I agree that I had that attitude, but that depends on the situation, and hers was understandable. She sent a voicemail saying "whatever happens, we will go".
The whole day I was just waiting for her to say that she can't go cause she was tired, it never happened. At 9PM she was outside our home. We don't have any places we want to go, so it took us a while to decide. Since it is already late, we decided to just stay within the vicinity. We went to this nearby bar. To my surprise, the prices of the goods were far more pricier than what I remember. Spare me since it has been more than a year since I was out drinking,
The night started good as we are longing for that. It has been a while so we kind of miss it. First bucket, we just talked about random stuff. We ordered cheesy fries for snacks. It was great! One bucket is not enough, so we ordered another one, This time we were much stronger since we already had the grip of the feeling. The spirit of the alcohol is slowly hitting us. This second bucket made us release our inner dancer. We just keep getting hyped by the song played by the DJ. We sang along while tossing our glass up in the air. I mean, that's how a bar should be, right? HAHA
On our third bucket, we were crying. Typical drunk talk. We talked about life, regrets and our future endeavors. Without caring about the others, we were crying and laughing at the same time. We looked like a crazy duo drinking. I thought that night ended normally. What I didn't know is that I lost memories of a lot of things.
When I woke up, I was on my bed, beside was moshi. I didn't know how I got there, but I did. As I was trying to adjust to my surroundings, I noticed Zehra was beside me as well. I think she was the one who opened the door for me, I don't know. When I got to talk to my friend again about what happened, I learned that we rode a tricycle going home. I sent her home first and then me. I just thanked my guardian angel for always keeping me safe whenever I am drunk. We even laughed about how we gave tips to the crew. Since there was a posted advertisement on the bar's comfort room, we thought that it was available, but it's not. I guess the drunk that we are, we said to ourselves that they were deceiving us for posting such promo.
All day long, I was hungover. Good thing that my mom cooked "sopas" for breakfast, which helps me quench my cravings for hot soup. Early in the morning, I was already drinking soft drinks as it was effective for curing my hangover. Hangover at 26 is really bad. It really took a day for me to recover and get back on my feet.
Author's Note
I have been busy going back and forth to process my requirements. Apologies for being inactive. How's your day? -Manju
Just in time
The last year in college is expected to be difficult. However, even though I was expecting it, I was unprepared by how difficult it truly is. I can admit that I am still adjusting with how loaded our subjects are right now.
I still feel a bit frustrated that they made changes with the curriculum. It used to be that our OJT is to be taken during the summer class before 4th year so that we can focus on our thesis when the full academic year started. But instead of stayin true to that, they moved the COE subject in the same semester as our Project Study.
I am not complaining, I am just feeling tired with the short sleep that I have been managing to get these days. It has really affected my mood stability for the worse.
The good news
Despite it all, some good thing still happened this academic year which is the start of limited face to face class for our course. Finally, after 2 years, we are able to see our classmates again. I am really surprised at how tall my classmates are. I forgot that I am one of the shorter ones in class.
We only have 1 face to face class. It is scheduled every Saturdays from 10am to 4pm. The class is for our thesis. We were extremely lucky since it is difficult to communicate with one another virtually. So being able to meet each other face to face for the project study made us more productive.
1st day in class
I woke up at 7:00am to prepare for our class. I needed to be there by 8:00am since the leaders and assistant leaders have to help in organizing the rooms (adjusting the tables, laying out the chairs, and cleaning the rooms). I left home at around 8:15am since I did not want to be too early.
I got there by 8:30am and I was really hesitant at first since I was unsure where the entrance would be. I was only a freshman when the pandemic happened so I did not get a lot of chance to explore the campus.
It basically felt like I was a freshman all over again.
Embarrassing moment
When I got to the right entrance, the guard asked me where I will be going. I said I am part of this college and all. I forgot what the building where our room was so I was beyond embarrassed. Good thing that the guards understood and I was able to enter the university with no problem.
The day went on
Of course, I did not forget to take a quick selfie to celebrate the first day of our limited face to face classes.
I decided to wear a yellow long-sleeves dress with a floral pattern for the first day since I could not find my shirts that morning.
We were not supposed to eat at our rooms but the thesis advisor allowed us to eat there as long as we clean up after ourselves.
This is what I ate for lunch. I did not spend a single peso for this meal since a classmate offered to treat me. I have my own money but why would I say no to a treat?
I was very full after eating the meal and I had a lot of energy to continue working on our thesis.
What we did in the first day
The first thing we did is greet each other since it has been a long time since we saw each other.
Then when 10am comes, we started to go to our respective groups to discuss our thesis.
We also decided to searate our groups where the majority of the members will focus on the paper while the remainin 3 members will focus on studying how to do 3D animation for the prototype that we want to create.
The main agenda for that day was to come up with a thesis title.
Our group already had an approved topic and we just needed to edit the title a bit for aporoval. We got an approved title after lunch and the professor advised us to present a draft for the introduction for 30 minutes.
This is where it gets interesting.
I know my group mates. I know that they do not work fast. This is not an insult but this is my observation. They always need a few hours given to them to complete a single task.
So I presented to be the one who will do the introduction part. It was a bit difficult since I did not have my laptop with me and I was unused to the small laptop that I am using but I still managed to make a draft for the introduction.
As this was happening, our leader started to assign tasks for the remaining parts for the Chapter 1 which will be passed on the 24th of September (next Saturday).
I managed to finish the draft and the leader accompanied me to have it checked by our adviser. He helped me figure out what is missing from my draft and I made sure to take a note of it.
After-class hangout
Me and my bestfriend decided to visit the nearby mall after class since it has been a while since we have done that.
We spent time walking around the mall and entering the stores that interested us. We went home at around 6:30PM since we wanted to rest after such a long week.
Did you know that we only have Sunday as our 'rest day'?
I barely have any sleep since the class started so I make sure to catch up on my sleep during Sunday.
Closing words
The first day of class proved that our group could be productive. We actually joked that we seem to be the only group who is laughin because the other groups are all so serious with their works. I hoe that we can keep up the good spirits until the end of our thesis.
The other groups were not so lucky. I think there were 2 groups who still did not have titles at the end of the class which will prove to be difficult for them since we need to pass the Chapter 1 for the next class. I just hope that they will be able to catch up.
Other groups were also unable to have their introduction drafts checked so they will not be able to revise the draft they made based on the advice of the professor.
Overall, our group got lucky that day. I was very happy with how my groupmates supported me by searching for the data that I need for the introduction.
I find that I am actually looking forward to the next face to face class even though I hate waking up that early.
Employer's Dog
This is a long rant about the company I am working with. It's been a while since I posted something work related, but today is too much.
I always complain how the management kisses the ass of its client. How they were not a pro-employee company. By how we felt voiceless. I managed to survived more than a year working here as I really want to work it out. I am getting older and as much as possible, I really want to avoid starting over again in terms of my employment. However, if the company consistently deprived it's employees benefits, then enough.
I filed my resignation last month and currently rendering. I planned to apply for a loan on a government agency. I did what was required to avail the loan. To my surprise, for those year and months I worked with them, my contributions were not remitted. If I tell you in detailed what happened, the heads up I gave you on this article being long, will surpass your expectations. So to make it simple, I admitted that I had mistakes but I wasn't informed about the process and if by chance something happen to me, luckily none, I won't get anything as my employer is not updated to the said agencies.
Up until now that I am close to ending my employment with them, no actions were taken. I had a discussion with our HR personnel regarding this matter, but they want me to cover the penalty incurred for the remittance of my contributions. I bargained for it to be in a 50-50 basis and still waiting for their response. I am very much cooperative in this kind of matter since it is something that I will need in the future. I never thought I'd experience this kind of problem with my employer.
Aside from the rant I had before about how the account or the client demands an impossible goal to get the incentives, here are some of bs we experienced/experiencing with this employer:
They got stricter in getting the attendance bonus. We are eligible for the attendance bonus if a hundred percent attendance was attained. Basically, it is something in our control. This just happened recently, which triggers why my friend and I filed for resignation.
My friend got mildly sick and was afraid to report onsite. It is also a precaution to not spread any virus she might be carrying at the time. Since she had her company's laptop, she requested to work at home until she gets better, rather than losing the 5,000 attendance bonus. Mind you, she have her medical certificate. When she logged in to start working, she was forcibly logged out by her Team Lead and was advised to just rest for the day, so that she can report back onsite the next day. As per them "Health is wealth" *insert sarcasm*, cost cutting *ehem*. We learned that the same thing happened to others regardless of the reasons. They are refusing to give us the right to work at home if our performance does not meet the monthly goal, with no exemptions may it be medical or emergency reasons. They would rather have the agent loses their attendance bonus, instead of allowing them on a work from home setup.
Something like that happened to me personally. I presented Zehra's medical documents at work so that I can work at home to at least monitor her recovery. I actually did great in terms of performance when I was working at home compare to when I was onsite. But since, I was a sale away from the target, they wanted me back onsite. I did informed my Team Lead about how my stats improved. I was given a chance to stay at the work at home setup, if and only if, I provide sale/s weekly. As if it is easy, considering the account was off peak. Instead of being bombarded by daily reminders to hit this and that, I voluntarily went back to site.
From the time that we got regularized, we signed the form for the performance appraisal. This happened July of this year. Until yesterday, we were informed that the appraisal will only cover the performance for September 15, not from July as what was discussed. Of course there were lots of side comments and complains, but the management shrugged it off. Just today during my shift, we had a meeting informing us that our account was not eligible for the appraisal as it was incentivized, bs. As per them the memo was released way back 2020. Follow up explanation is that those who got their increase last year was due to the mistake of our HR. Since we had our own group chat without the bosses in our workspace, we have discussed it with the others. Some of them were those who received the appraisal last year. They mentioned that there were tons of HR discussions/meetings regarding the increase before they got it. So it is impossible that the memo was created in 2020. After we got regularized, we were given a new contract with the information of the benefits we will receive, I don't really know why are they trying to implement a 2020's memorandum, again bs. I shouldn't be affected by this since I am already rendering, but I am also eligible to get the retro appraisail as it will be credited in the 30th.
**This, I can proudly say "I made the right decision".**
**Author's note**
Have you ever had an employer like this or currently with this kind of employer? It is really tiring dealing with them. I am with you. ~Manju
Row, Row, Row The Boat
***It is a personal experience as a fur mom travelling with Moshi for the first time.***
Most of the time, our family gathers during the Fiesta in our province, not only to celebrate but also to have our family reunion once in a while. This year is different as I am officially a fur mom and I am also travelling with my friend and Moshi's little brother; Beau and the two kittens, Oreo and Presto. It was a 4 days and 3 nights vacation. In the van, Moshi and Beau were restless, we made them drink an anti-dizziness medicine before the trip.
Since we don't own a house in Batangas, I am expecting for the situation to be difficult because there are a lot of family members that we need to consider, and most of them don't own a pet. The day came when we were in Batangas. As expected, I told you, we were informed by my mom that Moshi, Beau, Oreo and Presto cannot be brought inside the house. Our plan was to rent a room in the nearby resort to also have our freedom. It was expensive and not practical but at least we won't need to leave our babies outside. Then another problem arises, we informed them late and the rooms were no longer available or it was hard to get there since it was already dark. We had decided to sleep outside with our pets. Our auntie's house had an open nipa hut.
I think out of pity, my aunt and uncle told us that we can bring the pets inside their home. We were sorry for the inconvenience we caused them and to our relatives. We found it hard to sleep during that night since Moshi kept barking at every movement she heard. I felt pity for her as well since every time she barks, I have to cover her mouth so that we will not disturb those who are asleep. I just talked to her and promised that we will look for a comfortable place to stay tomorrow.
**The Fiesta**
The next day is the day of Fiesta. We woke up early to watch the roro (a race among the boats). It was Moshi's first time to see an ocean. I was actually expecting that she would be happy and excited as I usually see online. She was rather afraid and restless for the unfamiliar scene. I even bought her a 5 mm leash so that she can swim far from me, I let Beau use it but he is also scared. HAHA! After watching the roro, we rode the family's boat. Supposedly, me and my friend will not join as we thought that it will cause harm and irritation to our pets. Good thing, we were informed by my cousin that they will not.
Seeing Moshi ride a boat for the first time made me happy. She was just calm and enjoying the view. I can see her wide smile. It was such a fulfilling feeling.
Going back to the place we're staying at, there was a lot of menu to choose from, as expected on a provincial Fiesta. Our babies of course were not left out. Whatever we have, they will also have a share. It was a fun and tiring day. My mother told us that instead of paying for a room rental, she talked to one of my uncles for us to stay there. I also decided to give something in return, though it was not required but we were causing too much trouble. The night went by so fast, we were in a deep sleep. We had our typical breakfast and were shocked by the high intensity of the earthquake. Luckily, it didn't last long. Due to that, the oldies hesitated to push through with our planned outing at Little Boracay.
As hard as a rock, I told them that me and my friend will still go as we were really looking forward to it. I even bought a swimsuit! HAHA. I don't want to show any attitude but hey, my cousins agreed to that.
So here it goes, after the majority won, my mom, aunt and eldest cousin went to the market to buy the food we needed. Around 8AM we were packed and ready to go.
**The Struggles of not having an early reservation**
My eldest cousin told us ahead of time that she knew someone in Little Boracay and we won't need to make an early reservation, as she will take care of it and ask for a discount. We were complacent that everything would go smoothly. However when we arrived at Calatagan, we were informed that there were no rafts available at the time since it is per reservation. Another option we had is to go to Matabungkay, Batangas, but they refused as we visited the area more than 5 times already and they want to explore for more.
As per the friend of my eldest cousin, there were still resorts near the area that we might want to try. We agreed since there were no options left. For another hour, we followed her friend until I didn't know where. It is a new resort and there's nothing special about it. We are still in Calatagan, though. But, even the locals in my family were not familiar with the area. It was a very quiet area with less people, understandable since the resort was only open for no less than a year.
We asked the personnel at the resort what activities we can do there. They mentioned that we can rent a boat to go to Little Boracay. My friend and siblings agreed to rent a boat along with our other relatives, of course without leaving Moshi and Beau behind. It was a smooth ride going to Little Boracay, but at the time of our visit, it was hightide so the sandbar was nowhere to be found. I would say that Little Boracay is typically the same as Matabungkay. There's no doubt about how beautiful the ocean was, but it was crowded with tourists at the time we went there.
When we went back to the resort we were scammed by the boat rider as they were charging us more than what we discussed and we didn't even finish the supposed tour package of the rental. My eldest cousin tried to be the middleman since we were starting to fire up, but with no help. The boat rider was firm about the charge and we just sighed it off rather than making the situation worse. We just enjoyed ourselves swimming and taking photos at the resort. My little cousins played "patintero" in the sand. I wouldn't say it was the best experience during the trip, but at least we were able to bond and play with our family members.
It was not an overnight stay, so at 6PM we were packed and ready to go. We took a few family photos, then drove off. Back at my aunt's home, my eldest cousin bought a "lomi", as she promised to my younger siblings. We went to bed early since we will leave Batangas tomorrow morning. That concludes Moshi's first trip to the ocean.Looking forward to the next one.
Author's Note
I had been busy for a while. Apologies if we haven't been active. It's payday today! Spend your salary well. - Manju
Enchanted Kingdom: Where The Magic Begins
Days away from my friend and I's birthdays, we decided to celebrate in Enchanted Kingdom. As we searched the website, we've noticed that birthday celebrants are free if they are accompanied by one paying adult.
We were only 3 when we got there. So our plan is to recruit someone from other group to be our temporary friend to avail the discount. First we asked a couple if one of them wants to join us, sadly it was also the girlfriend's birthday. The enchanted kingdom's staff was getting closer to our us and we yet to find 1 person for us to get the discount. Luckily, the staff was friendly and even talked to one of the groups ahead of us to explain the situation. From there, we had our temporary discount friend. It's also adventageous on her part as she only paid half the price of her ticket.
**11:07AM.** The exact time we got inside the park. Here are the rides we tried and my personal experience review per ride.
• **Ekstreme Tower Ride**. We started the day strong. I have fear of heights and was overthinking when we fall in line on this ride. But before we even got to Enchated Kingdom, I made up my mind to conquer my fear. And my friends don't even let me breath for a while, they suggested one of the most fearless rides at the park. Truly, to those who have tried this ride, I can't agree more that after you were dropped from 40 meters down, your legs will be wiggly.
• **Anchors Away**. This was not the first time I rode this so I know what to expect. It was just more fun since my friend and I started a friendly battle to those who are on the other side of the boat. We battled who among can raise their hands while in the air. It was fun! All of them cooperated. Haha!
• **7D Interactive Motion Theater**. We thought this is Rialto 4D. We paid P100.00 per person. It was also good to shoot the zombies.
• **Space Shuttle**. Yep, my friends are monsters! Without a break from extreme rides at early in the morning, they made me rode the ride I avoided the most. We didn't wait long for our turn, since when there were a space left at the end of the shuttle, none of the people in front of us volunteered to take the place, so we did. It was extreme! All I can remember is me praying that the ride will end and I kept calling my mother in between of every push! But mind you, after that ride, I felt that I can do all things alone. HAHA!
• **Air Race**. I don't if it was because of the continous extreme rides we tried before this, but hell! My stomach really is turning during the ride and I can't keep my eyes open whenever I was up at the sky. I felt like I was going to fall anytime and I no longer have the energy to shout as I felt like I'm going puke. I totally hate this ride!
• **Amazon Grill**. Just a moment of rest from our adventurous selves. We took our lunch while waiting for Rio Grande to open. We met Eldar the Wizard, here.
• **Rialto 4D.** We finally saw the right theather we're looking for earlier. It's free and there's also a picture taking while waiting to be called in the second floor. The pictures were great but it was pricey for our cheap a**.
• **Jungle Log Jam**. Since we're planning to get wet, we started from here after lunch since Rio Grande is not yet open. Since it is getting late, the line started to get longer. But there's no dull moment with my friends. None of us really wanted to be drenched so we make a bet on whose who. By tossing the coin, we get to choose which side of the log we'll sit. Unfortunately, I have a bad luck in these kind of games. I was sitted in front where the impact of the water going down was high.
• **Up, Up and Away**. Since Rio Grande is still under maintenance, we decided to dry ourselves first.
• **Twin Spin**. I believe it was a new ride in Enchanted Kingdom, since I don't remember it existed the last time I was there. I was in highschool then, I guess year 2011? Haha!
• **Rio Grande**. Finally! After a long wait for it work, we finally saw it operating. However, it was one of the most in demand ride at the park! We waited for an hour and thirty minutes just to get in. Part of me thought of going out of the line, good thing I didn't. I may say, it was worth the wait.
• **Flying Fiesta**. Again, we got extremely wet so here's our way of drying out. Instead of paying for the dryer machine. Practical!
• **Disk-O-Magic**. It was the last ride for our day since the park was soon to close. We supposedly planned to ride it earlier but due to weather condition the operation stopped. While we are on the line, the ride was interrupted because of the firework display.
For the last minutes left, we took the time to take a photo on each ride we tried. As we prioritize falling in line earlier than taking pictures. It was raining heavily when we took the pictures.
**How to get there**
**By Commuting**. Ride a van in Starmall, Shaw to Balibago, Laguna for P200. On your drop off point, you have to walk inside to the mall to get through the tricycle terminal going to Enchanted Kingdom.
**Are there lockers?** Yes. If you feel like you are being slow down by your stuff, you can put it in the locker area at Victoria Park. There were also designated lockers in each ride as they don't allow you to bring anything for safety reasons.
**Going home**. We were supposed to walk back to the terminal of the van, but luckily a tricycle driver stopped and send us there. Grab and angkas are in demand during this time and it was hard to book.
**Tips:**
* Be an early bird
* Wear a comfortable footwear as you will do a lot of walking and standing
* Food and drinks are not allowed inside
* If you have the budget, get the VIP pass ticket to avoid long lines
* Enjoy and be responsible
**Author's note**
It is a late post and it was a wonderful experience to not share with you. Overall experience was great. I think we maximize the price of the ticket we paid for and I once again, crossed out one thing on my bucket list.
How are you? I hope you are all doing well. ~Manju
A Journey To Last
I have always been a scaredy cat when it comes to travelling alone. I never trust myself to be safe, as I was prone on getting lost even though I have map application handy on my phone. Deciding to go on a solo trip made me received a lot of criticisms as the people who knows me knew that I am the worst person to deal with in terms of direction. Haha!
Those negative comments I've heard didn't stop me from doing what scares me the most, to go alone. It happened during the time I felt I haven't accomplished anything in life, yet. While scrolling online, I came across this Travel and Tours page. After inquiring about the itineraries and payment plan, without a thought, I made a slot reservation.
The day finally came where I went to my most desired place to visit here in the Philippines, Vigan, Ilocos Sur!
**Day 0**
7PM- Meetup at MOA
7:30PM- 2ND batch meetup at Centris Mall
10:35PM- Stopover at Clark, Pampanga
11PM- DEPARTURE
**DAY 1**
4AM- ETA Vigan
5:15AM- ETA/Breakfast at Hidden Garden
6:30- Souvenir Shop
7AM- Start of tour **We we're given freedom to go where we want to go as long as we meet up at the given time**
>Baluarte
>Vigan Cathedral
>Calle Crisologo
>Paoay
>Sand Dunes/Sand Boarding
3PM- Late lunch *We had foodtrip in each stops so we're not that hungry*
5:30PM- ETA at accommodation
Supposedly, part of our itinerary is to go to the Malacañang of the North, but due to extreme tiredness, we all agreed to go to our hotel accommodation. Our tour guide even laughed at us for not saying it earlier. We we're all tired and went to bed immediately, since the eatery around the hotel were closed.
**Day 2**
6AM- Breakfast at the hotel
9AM- Pagudpud
>Blue Lagoon
>Banana Boat
>Lunch x Drinking Session
*It's quite disappointing that Hannah's zipline was closed at our time of visit*
12:45PM- ETD
1:10PM- Bantay Abot Cave
>Patapat Viaduct
2:43PM- Bangui Windmills
3:33PM- Kapurpurawan Rock Formation
4:31PM- Cape Bojedor Lighthouse *I was too tired to climbed up the stairs of the Lighthouse, so I skipped this part of the tour (my excuse for being afraid of the ghost stories I've heard on our way)*
6:30PM- Dinner
8PM- Arrival on our hotel
9PM-2AM - Continuation of our Drinking session along the other tour group
**Day 3**
6:30AM- Breakfast at the hotel
7:30AM- ETD
10AM- ETA Old Quirino Bridge
> Souvenir Center
**Sidetrip**
1PM- Grape Farm La Union
7PM- ETA MOA
This is honestly the best tour I had! The people I was with during the entire tour were all accommodating and friendly. Diversed from couples, family, friends to OFW's. I felt really safe around them. I never felt out of place as they were all approachable and even took a picture of me, voluntarily.
**Tips for first time Solo Travel**
> Make sure to request for a room away from couple or pay extra for your own room. I almost got in the same room with the couple in our group, not that I have something against them but I don't want to intrude their privacy, you know. Good thing is I was able to talked to the group of Titas, our OFW group, for me to stay in their room.
> Packed your things beforehand. Make sure you have everything you needed handy because you'll never know what will happen.
> Bring monopod/tripod. I was just lucky that they took solo picture of me. But in cases where you have no one to take a photo of you, at least you have the right equipment, or you can simply ask your peers to take a photo of you.
> Have extra budget. Even though I planned ahead what I will buy during the trip, I can't helped but be out of the budget for things I tried as my firsts.
> E-wallet. Most souvenir shops accepts GCash payment.
> Enjoy and keep your loved ones updated
**Total Expenses**
Travel and Tours Fee- P3,499 (*add P1,400 for solo room)
This includes:
> Roundtrip Van transfer MNL-Ilocos
> Hotel accommodation
> 2 day complimentary breakfast
> Entrance Fees, Complete Tour, Gas, Toll and Driver's fee
Exclusions:
> Lunch/Dinner- starts at P180
> Empanada snacks- ranging from P40 to P60 per piece
> 4x4 Sand Dunes Ride- P500/pax for 6
> Blue Lagoon Cottage- P250
> 30 mins Banana Boat- P500/pax for 5
> Alcoholic drinks and snacks (optional)- P250/pax
> Souvenirs- P2000
I know I can do better on my next trip in terms of budgeting.
**Writer's Note**
How are you? **Manju**'s back! Since Zehra had been busy lately, I took initiatives to takeover her read.cash account once in a while to keep it active. Expect more travel articles from here onwards!
In a blink of an eye
I have been saying that time flew by so fast for so long now. It is a sign that I am growing older since my perception of time is changing. But the truth is that it never fails to surprise me just how much time passed by when I finally stopped to think about it.
Just earlier I was reminiscing about my thoughts when I was graduating senior high school. I was not in a good place then. I was in a toxic relationship and my head was full of thoughts of how I could disappear from this world.
I remember that the green toga of our school is the main reason why I managed to stay alive even when I did not have the motivation to do so.
4 years have passed since then
From that naive little girl who thought she could save someone who does not want to be saved, I became someone with clear boundaries. No longer was I saying yes to things I do not want to do for fear of upsetting someone. I do not tolerate that kind of self-torture any longer.
From someone who only had thoughts of death, I became someone who looks forward to the future. No longer was I afraid of being alive, I am now having fun figuring out the things that I want to do for the rest of my life.
The truth is the years that passed by changed me a lot. Looking back on the thoughts I had when I was younger made me cringe so hard but I am also learnin to forgive myself. I was not the best version of myself then. I hurt people, I got hurt. I ruined friendships, some friendships ruined me. But throughout years of self-reflection I am finally able to admit that I was not without fault in the things that happened.
I think the best part of growing is also the worst part which is recognizing the toxicity I had when I was younger. Even now, I still have a lot of things to unlearn but I am steadily making progress.
3 years passed
It has almost been 3 years since I last saw my blockmates. The pandemic happened rightin the middle of our semester and I remember laughing with my classmates then thinking that we will see each other after a few weeks of well deserved rest. I did not imagine that it would take years before we could even hope to meet each other again. Until now, we are still waiting for the memo to give us the go signal to go back to limited face to face classes for our thesis subject. But I am hopeful that it will happen.
The years have not been kind to my perception to my classmates. I was actually starting to miss them but then they went and do something that breaks the illusion I had of what kind of people they were. The same kind of people who keeps spouting about how everyone will graduate together is the very same type of people who would their best o trick you into getting a score of 0 just because they can. And then these very same people would find it funny, not caring how such simple score could have been the last straw to someone's decision to discontinue their life.
The truth is I wanted to have friends but when the aforementioned events unfolded, I withdraw from everyone again. I am not content with my small circle of people that I know I can fully trust.
I just maybe I expected a bit too much of them. After all, everyone was affected during these years of pandemic so I had thought at least that they would develop a sense of compassion and empathy. And maybe, I had believed they were genuine when they said they all wanted us to graduate together.
I am not sure what is right or wrong. I am unsure whether my heightened emotions were a direct cause of bipolar. All I know was that I was already hanging on such a super thin rope.
My achievement that day was getting out of bed to answer their quiz on their report, only to see the 0 mark despite the fact that I had taken notes and listened to their report.
Then I went back and saw that their instructions were to write the wrong answers.
In that moment my mind went blank and I was just "huh, the world must not really like my presence".
It is my fault that I did not read the instructions. I can fully say that. But I would never expect these people to pull out a high school trick during difficult times like these. We have OJT and classes. It is a full load of 8AM to 9PM cycle. Andwering the quiz should have been a productive break from all the chaos of academic life and yet they think it is funny to do that.
When the backlash of it became too much for them, they decided to retract the quiz. I guess they realized no one find their joke funny aside from their own circle of friends.
But what those people will never know was how close I was to ending it all because it had almost been the last push for me.
Still, it was no one's resppnsibility. But that moment made me think to myself that it would be nice if people could act kindly and want everyone to succeed instead of just favoring their own friends.
Can you imagine a world where everyone just focused on doing their best while also wishing the best for others? It sounds like a fairytale but I hope that that fantasy can happen in real life as well.
Closing words
It has been a while since I last posted. I won't make any promises about bein active again or anything. My focus right now is on my academic requirements so blogging will have to wait.
I also made this article to share that my sister, Manju, might start using this account to post again.
It was a hard month
It is already the last day of the month. I can not believe how fast August ended. Tomorrow -ber month is going to start which is going to be a sign for some that Christmas is coming.
Anyway, last year on August, I was at the top of the world. It was my most productive month as of yet. I was very active in things that I love. I regularly read replies telling me that I am so productive. I did not miss a day in publishing an article, I was crocheting a lot of stuff, and creating artworks on top of being a full time student then.
This year's August is the opposite. Well, maybe opposite is not the right term. In a way, I was productive but I do not have much proof to show for it.
Firstly, this month is my most affected month of writing articles. I barely visited noise.cash and read.cash. I only visited Hive twice and then I left my account sitting there.
I had so many goals for this month that I did not achieve but I am still proud of myself.
I am still here.
And for now, that is what matters to me.
Blogging
This month is not a good one for my blogging journey. I barely published articles even though I have a lot of things I wanted to write about. I have so many crochet projects that I wanted to share not only on read.cash but also on Hive but I did not manage to publish them this month.
The main reason is my depressive episode which is still not going away so I have limited energy every day. I chose to use that energt for my academic requirements instead of hustling.
While I am sad that I have stopped blogging for a some days, I will be honest about how it affected my mood. I thought I would feel down about it since I have limited place where I can share my emotions but in reality, not having to think about what to write for the day was a huge relief to me. I felt that I did not need to document every moment in my life and then criticizing each thing to see if I can make my life fit the image I am trying to maintain online.
Blogging is my way of trying to track my life but in taking a break from it for a short while, I realized how much I am missing out on when I was so focused on trying to turn a good moment into a blog. I used to find myself composing an article in my head as things happen that I do not fully immersed myself in the experience but when I stopped doing that I was surrised at how much fun I could find at doing simple tasks.
Moreover, not having to think about interacting with others also made me happy. I wanted to make friends here but I am not sure what is wrong with me that I can not keep the connection going. I was feeling down about that so the distance from that helped me a lot as well.
Crochet
I was not lacking any money since I keep receiving crochet orders despite the fact that I delisted my items on my Shopee account and I have not made any new marketplace listings on Facebook. I am very grateful for the continuous order because I did not have to oush myself in trying to grind in blogging even when I did not want to.
The crochet projects I worked on this month are something that brought me a lot of joy and I really wanted to share them with you. Hopefully, I will be able to slowly write an article about some of the projects I worked on.
Academic
This took up a majority of my time. When class started, I was still able to balance my time but then as the professors started to let their rpesence be known, I realized that I will be too burnt out if I keeo trying to do everything at once. That is a big reason why I had been inactive from writing.
As much as I had grown to love blogging here, I know where my true priorities lie.
I started looking for internships this month and I was busy with the requirements. Then I got accepted in the internship I applied for and I had to do a lot of preparation since the task assigned to me is more appropriate for an Electronics engineering student than an Instrumentation and Control engineering student. But I still took the opportunity since I am interested in the company and I am hoping that I could gain insight into whether I would want to work with them in my professional career or not.
Moreover, the company that where I am an intern also offers various trainings for engineering and computer related topics. I actually applied for one online training related to my course and I am considering another trainin related to mt OJT tasks. I am still not yet decided but I am planning to add certificates in my name so that I could have an advantage.
Another thing is that we are already working on our thesis. We are still at the title proposals part but it is already stressing me since I can clearly see that my classmates are not good at research. I am not judging them since I know the education system is not that great here but I am feeling so sad since we did not get to choose our groupmates so me and my bestfriend were in a separate group.
Quizzes are also starting to make their appearance so I am bombarded with a lot of academic related stuff.
Rest
Despite it all, I managed to still find time to rest. Not really sleeping since I am mostly undersleeping this month but just lying in bed to breathe.
Moreover, I am still able to make time for my partner and our relationship. Just to share, my partner asked me earlier if I wanted to eat with him after my OJT. Honestly, it was such a nice surprise that gave me the motivation to finish all my works after our short date. We just ate for about an hour and he gave me some snacks for when I am studying, then we went home.
I took a short nap before I started working on my quizzes and homeworks. I am happy to say that I finished all the things I needed to do even the ones that I did not want to do.
Closing words
I just wanted to publish an article for the end of the month. Also I want to apologize if I am not responding at your replies in my articles. I am not trying to be mean or anything, it is just that my depression is literally weighing my down so bad that I can not think of what to reply. I read your replies and know that I am grateful and I appreciate all of you. So thank you so much for visiting my article even when I am not that active anymore.
I am not sure when I would be able to publish again but I am happy to be able to publish this.
@ZehraSky
