I don't know why but, I can't really understand my own feelings sometimes. Just like today, I don't feel anything today. As in my mind and heart is blank. I can't stop my self from sighing but I don't have any thoughts in my mind. I feel like an empty shell today. I'm breathing but I don't know the reason why. I feel like I'm lost but I feel like I'm not. I mean, I'm okay I really am okay. Nothing is wrong with me, I am not thinking if anything, as I've said my mind is empty, I don't have a problem so I don't know why I'm like this again.
I went to the market just this morning, I have my headphone in my ears listening to my favorite music. I am feeling the music and I was just walking aimlessly. My eyes was on the road but if someone will look at me, they will think I'm crazy or blind because I'm looking in front of me without emotion (Oh gosh, I can't concentrate coz my Mama is just blabbing and blabbing about how the price of this one item in shopee changed from 12 pesos to 8 pesos, tsk. So I just walk out on her coz I find it annoying. Ahh, something is really wrong with me for sure. I get annoyed easily today tsk.)
Anyways, as I was saying I was walking and just looking on what's ahead on me, I feel like my soul was so into music and doesn't care about anything. I think i look weird doing it. I am walking slowly, still into music and looking in front like I am not with myself it's like "Nakatitig sa Kawalan" yeah that's it. I know what's happening on my surroundings and I'm aware of what I'm doing. But my mind is just somewhere. Because of that, I suddenly feel lazy to do anything today. I am actually reading article but I stop it. Because I feel like I can't understand what I'm reading, hayss.
I'm like this until now that I'm typing this. I actually don't have the plan to publish article today but then I thought. Why not just write this to release whatever this is. I think I just have to release this through writing. I already tried chatting with my friends but I'm still boredddddee. I just want to be a fish and just float in the ocean. I want to wash away this feeling that I can't name - whatever this is. I want to go the mount Everest and get a plant that I can get on my way. I will plant it into our garden. Wait we don't have a garden, so I will just plant it on my head.
Ughhh, it still there. Seriously guys, I'm telling you I'm not stress. I'm just, I don't know, I can't name it. Do you also have this episode in your life like you feel nothing, as in! Like even if someone fight in front of me I will just ignore them and went on my own way. What do you think? Is this a sign of loneliness? But I love being alone! Or wait, is this what other people are saying, the "Birthday Blues?" But I Don't think so. Maybe it's because my birthday is approaching and my age will add another year again? But I don't really care about my age. Aha, I don't know any more.
But well, for sure this will be gone again tomorrow. I can't even count on my fingers if how many times it happened to me. Nalalampasan ko naman so. Yeah.
Ah wait, I will just share my short post that I share in noise.cash. It was written in Tagalog so, if you like you can read it. And if you don't like it, then walang poreber para sayo!
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Kahit ang pinakamasayang tao sa mundo ay nakakadama din ng kalungkutan. Hindi natin alam, baka sila pa nga ang mas madaming pinagdadaanan. Mabigat na problemang pilit nilang binubura sa isipan nila para makapag pasaya ng iba. Hindi masamang maging mahina minsan, alam ng marami yan. Kaso yong iba nagsusuot ng maskara para maitago ang tunay nilang nararamdaman. Takot sila sa mabibigat na salitang maibabato sa kanila. Dahil hindi lahat ng tao ay malakas na kayang magbuhat ng isang milyong salita mula sa mga nagmamalinis na tao. Mga taong ang tingin sa sarili'y perpekto, na akala mo'y may karapatang mang husga ng kapwa nya tao.
At hindi rin natin masisisi ang ilan na itago ang totoong sila, kasi ang iba kapag nakita ang kahinaan nila mas lalo pang tatapakan para mas lalong malugmok sa kalungkutan. Imbes na ibangon mas lalo pang ingungudngud, hihilahin paibaba hanggang sila na ang kusang sumuko. Mamamalayan nalang natin, meron na tayong pinaglalamayan. Yong mga hindi kinakaya ang lahat kaya pagpapakamatay ang tanging alam na solusyon. Sana'y mag isip muna ang ilan bago nila ibuka ang bibig nila. Dahil hindi lahat ng tao ay may malakas na mentalidad. Yong iba hagya nalang lumalaban dahil sa mas malalim pa na dahilan na walang sinomang nakakaalam.
-Parot/Ruffa -08/04/21
I type this one without thinking much. I mean, it just suddenly appear? Lol. My fingers just start typing and then voila. It's nothing much, just a nonsense thought.
I'll end it here now.
Lead Image from Unsplash
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August 4, 2021
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lutang ka baby gerl? or si kwuash na naman di mo lang pinapahalata