@Marinov

@Marinov 30 June 2025

Hello! Good to be back after 3 years!

@Marinov 30 June 2025

Hello! Good to be back after 3 years!

@Marinov 1 December 2022

Welcome to DepEd! It's my vacant time so I decided to spend it by writing. I am now a substitute public teacher since November 9 until December 28. The Department of Education in Southern Leyte Division contacted me if I am willing to accept the offer since I will be teaching for just less than 2 months. I was very hesitant since I really don't have extra budget for the processing of my requirements but then the previous substitute teachers told me that once I become a substitute teacher, I have the chance, an edge over the other applicants. After my substitution, I will be contacted again because I will have an item as Junior Teacher which I doubted too. Lol. I also know that I am not yet prepared mentally and physically to embrace the world of teaching but I need cash so immerse myself into something I am not yet ready. And then here I am. I am here for almost one month and I am enjoying my stay here. The teachers are very welcoming and they don't make me feel I am inferior or less than capable. In fact, they always involve in everything even if it's outside the school affairs. During my stay here, I've attended two birthday parties already and there were a lot of food before me but I did not devour much since I am on a diet. I am trying to discipline myself with what I eat everyday because I am really gaining weight and I hate it. The students here are obedient and courteous. There are days that I got so tired responding to they greetings. Every student who come across me would say, "Good morning or Good afternoon!". I guess they like me as well as their substitute teacher. Lol. My advisory class is grade 9 and I teach them English and ESP (Edukasyon sa Pagpapakatao). I also teach English to grade 7 students both two sections and the rest of the two sections of grade 9. During Mondays, I have 6 classes. My first class starts at 7:45 AM and my last class ends at 5:00 PM. Waking up every morning at 5:00 AM is my daily struggle. I really wanted to stay in bed knowing that it always rain every morning. I also want to sleep beside my baby every morning and look at her while she's sleeping. Ugh, here are my mom thoughts again. Lol. I really wanted to stay in bed until 8 AM. It's one of my goals which I think I cannot achieve since I became a mom. Being a teacher also means that I have to come to school early so I don't have a choice but to awake my sleepy head. The school that I am in is also a new established one. It was established last 2018 and I can say that it really needs a lot of improvement when it comes to the facilities. Currently, the school only has 5 rooms and the rooms can't cater all 300 plus students so the class schedules are on shifting. The grade 7 and grade 10 will come to school in the morning while in the afternoon, the grade 9 and grade 8. The school is also situated in a semi-slope area which I considered dangerous especially when it rains because it will be slippery for students and teachers to go up and down the school. I hope that the Department of Education will give more facilities here so that the students will be here for 8 hours rather than just half day which is 4 hours. To deliver the lesson, I also prepare daily lesson plan and I will be using daily lesson log which is less hassle when I reach my third year in teaching. After making the lesson plan, it's time again to prepare my instructional material. Most of the time, I use PowerPoint presentation without the projector since some of the rooms here don't have electricity and using projector would just consume much time knowing that we only have 45 minute-class time per subject. Most of the time, I found it tiring in here since we don't have proper facility to stay in but it's okay. It's fine for me. I think this will be all for today. I need to save my experiences for the next blog. Lol. That's all for my DepEd experience. Again, welcome to DepEd, self! Thank you so much, sir @Bjorn for sponsoring me up until this time. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 1 November 2022

Reconnected Hello, everyone! It's been a while again. Haven't written quite long because of my busy life (heavy sigh). I've been tired since I become a mom and I think I'll be tired for a lifetime. Anyway, I have an online friend from Paris. We met each other through a dating app. It was 2020 when life became boring due to the pandemic, the quarantine and all the restrictions so I resorted to exploring dating apps and websites. I talked to a lot of foreigners and some were even interested to visit me after the pandemic. Lol. Dev is one of the foreigners I talked with and he's my favorite. He is smart. He talks nicely and his voice is so good to hear. He looks heavenly. He has green eyes and a very pointed noise. He's nice to me and he even called me her girlfriend after months of talking. He's also a busy person since he's working in Paris. One of his favorite hobbies is blogging and he even made me one of the admin on his blogging website in Paris. We created a lot of blogs posted there and I will be sharing to you one of our writings. Yes, we shared ideas and send it to each other through WhatsApp. We write and send and edit until we came up with a story. This story is also inspired with a famous French book and you'll know after. So here it is... Love is the best thing we do. Oh yes, of course. Absolutely, yes. I don’t know how to disagree with this after that Christmas night. That Christmas night when the bar is busy and the stranger and I were close. Shall I call it a too late Saturday evening or an early Sunday morning? Year 2010 in Mumbai That Christmas, I was lost in thoughts of Santa and confused between going out with friends or to stay in bed. Not because I did not wanted to have a good time with my friends but, because I was struggling with my university exam. Do you know the subject “Basic Mechanics"? If not, then be happy for that as there is nothing basic in that subject. Perhaps we can consider I was never a bright student so I was restless on my mind about it.  Meanwhile, I was about to burn the midnight oil when my phone beeped for the third time showing messages from friends -- asking me to join them and drink the night away. Heaven knows I held a tight grip away from the temptation yet I found myself with friends on that winter night in hopes of relaxation. We had some fun and eventually by break of dawn, we ended up at a bar. I remember an almost empty bar with few passed out rum lovers. Everything is in it's usual setting: the music, fancy lights and the slightly messed-up chairs and tables. Everything is casual except for that dim-lighted corner. I fixed my gaze towards it and Voilà! I found something unusual in a bar - a gorgeous glam face with long shiny gray hair who's deepened into a book. She was lost in the depth of “Le Comte de Monte-Cristo” by the French writer, Alexandre Dumas. A novel of an adventure of the person who got lost in time for something he never committed and the worthy revenge we wanted him to take. Her straight face look trying to find the meaning of all the sentences made her most beautiful and me as the most curious one. "Is that The Count Monte of Cristo you are looking?" Struggling tone of mine just said it with a little stammer. She looked at me with a very serious face. "This is a very unusual place to look for him. Better join me for a beer!" I jokingly asked. She just stared at me and mumbled "Dantès"; she is trying to know him more in the story. I told her she may not be able to find the story ending if she keeps on reading under the dim lighting of a bar while smelling mixed alcohols and looking after her drunk friends. She disagreed with a soft smile and said that she is alone and this is maybe 27th time she is rereading the book. I told her revenge is best served with rum. She then agreed and softly laughed and her laugh blended with the bar's music. Tab started with rum and some burnt smelling Chinese dish and many deep aspect of the story to author’s life to our lives. After so many short story sharing, she shared her name - the name I never knew will be the only name that matters to me afterwards. Her name is Océ, short for Océane. She is a university student from France, Marseille. While getting to know her and finding my adventure of falling for a beautiful new love, I almost forgot about where I am and what is reality and what’s space. I only got my senses back when suddenly, my friends came by and asked me to go back home as it’s sunrise and we also needed to study. Exam was important yet attraction of Océ was more affectionate than the books of Mechanics. Missing out a chance to be next to the girl like Océ was something I couldn’t afford at all at that moment. Needless to say, I decided without a second thought. I told my friends I would stay & live this big universal event personally. So I was left there, inspecting thoroughly every detail of her face and when she caught me, she just smiled back as she took another drink. From that moment, I never let her hide from my sight and we connected more & more as I stayed with her like hers.  Yes, I failed in the subject for that term which I had an exam the next day but, I had passed to her heart which became dearer to me as time passes by. The mechanics of our hearts connected that late night in that very bar over few words like we are experiencing Celestial Mechanics, maybe. She flew back to Marseille, France in 2016 before Christmas. Being away from her was something I couldn’t afford. Now I am with VISA permission to fly to her. The COVID-19 pandemic border closure & Airlines lockdown is the one thing which is the obstacle for me now. Can’t wait to fly to her country and spend my days next to those prettiest eyes where I could just forget about me and I will be with her again personally, my Dear. "I love her for long. As long as I have known her -- always. "Love is the best thing we Do. So fall for it without fear..  That's the end for now. I think we will have it's part two when I am not busy though. I can't communicate well with Dev because my partner gets mad. Lol. Dev is just my special friend now and he knows my priority. He respects me. And he's still the same Dev I know in 2020 even though I was gone for a year and haven't contacted him. That's all for today! Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 13 October 2022

All for my boss Since I was hired to work here in my work place, me, writing is the main task I do everyday. I write notice of meeting, minutes, office memo, proposals, request letter and other office works that are done through writing. Though, I like writing, I haven't developed much the love for it. I mean, I like to write but I am not so into it. When I write, I don't feel that my heart's into it that's why I guess I don't have an article that I may call "my masterpiece" Lol. For me, I think I love to talk, to converse and to express myself which my boss didn't know and she haven't given me the chance yet to arrange an activity that involves me, speaking. Being here for almost 5 months made me love this job, being an office clerk and sometimes personal assistant. Haha! My job here is so tiring. It's self-consuming but I need money that's why I am still here. Most of the time, I am mad with my boss for she won't finalize everything before she'll instruct us to do something. As a result, she will change again what she has said and then we will go back to zero. It's fine to work, to do as what the boss said but I just found it impractical since our initial work will be a trash, it will be of no use. Anyway, enough for that rants. Nobody's perfect and I understand why my boss is like that. It's just that I don't have that much patience not to get pissed. Even though my boss said what will pop on her head without thorough planning, she's good in her job and I think no one would play her role very well than her. I am happy as well because my job allowed me to practice writing again. Whenever my boss has an engagement to attend and she had a part in the program, she lets me draft a speech for her. My very first draft is all about Data Analytics and Research Development. I was tasked to write a welcome address for it was an orientation. I searched and read on Google first what's that all about and drafted the welcome address. Here's what I come up with.... *Thank you to each and every one of you for being here with us today. We are very pleased to be able to welcome those of you that have been with us. Welcome, everybody! It's with tremendous pleasure that I welcome you to our SPARTA (Smarter Philippines through Data Analytics, Research and Development, Training and Adaptation) Orientation.* *Before we get started, I'd like to convey my heartfelt gratitude to those of you who generously contributed to making this event a success. Without you, we couldn't have done this!* *It is a privilege to the university to have this affair for we are not only disseminating the excellent Smarter Philippines Through Data Analytics, Research and Development, Training and Adaptation (SPARTA) project through a grant provided by the Department of Science and Technology in partnership with the Development Academy of the Philippines (DAP) but we are also inviting everyone to take part and be one of the scholars.* *The Department of Science and Technology – Philippine Council for Industry, Energy and Emerging Technology Research and Development (DOST-PCIEERD) is encouraging us, Filipinos to be enthusiastic to any chance of innovation especially at this time of pandemic. Thus, we have now the opportunity to enroll in an online training under Project SPARTA. The goals of the Sparta Project train and graduate 30,000 learners in Data science and Analytics through online learning and develop a network of Data Science and Analytics practitioners through collaborations and engagement activities including events, hackathons, and open data challenges. For the welfare of every Filipino, We support this program because we believe that data science has the potential to transform and improve the nation specifically our government processes.* *Now, let us not waste the opportunity. Let’s utilize what has been provided and explore what we haven’t reached yet. In this age of global pandemic, we've witnessed how data science technologies have become vital. In connection, let’s embrace this modernized era of Science for the global business community and governments will require abilities to interpret current economic, business, and industrial conditions. Hence, data science abilities are very much needed today.* *I am encouraging everyone to grab this favorable time to be one of the 300 scholars to acquire the scholarship for Data Engineer, Data Scientist, Functional Analyst, and Analytics Manager that the University will nominate.* *I won't take up too much of your time. Today will be enjoyable and educational. So, a heartfelt welcome to all of you. Thank you for taking the time to listen.* I was hesitant to let my boss read this because I am not confident if the content suits the affair. Lol. Glad that she liked it she told me I am a good writer but she doesn't know I checked all the grammar on grammarly for it to perfect. Lol. My boss is not here in office since Tuesday. She's on official business travels and will be back this afternoon that's why I have time to write today. Will read articles too! I miss reading! Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 5 October 2022

What a cruel 2022 This year is a tough year for me. I have been challenged by quite a lot of problems that I almost ended my life. The life of being a mom has overwhelmed me big time and the feeling is still overwhelming even though my daughter will be turning one year old this month. The thought of me, ain't doing motherhood well and the thought of losing my daughter are living on my mind rent-free, 24/7. I encountered a lot of problems as a first-time mom and it first happened when my daughter was still a new-born. She had a blood infection which almost take her life away. She have undergone a 7-day treatment at the hospital for the antibiotics. She's not latching on me as well and her body was stiffen. Oh, I don't want to think about it even a little but my mind kept on playing those memories I want to buried. After almost two weeks of being in the hospital, my baby finally completed her antibiotics and we went home with the thought of her, not going to be sick again but we we are wrong. When my daughter was still eight months old, she had a seizure which disturbed again my healing mind. Her body froze and she can't even move it. Her left eye was close while her right eyes was open. She had a noisy breathing which awoken me. I tried to wake her up but she's unresponsive. I called my grandma and they were also worried. We immediately rush her to the hospital and I was crying while we are on our way. I thought it was the end. I thought I would lose my baby. Her eyes are closed while we are on our way and I kept on waking her up. When we arrive at the hospital, the nurses checked her oxygen level and body temperature and to our surprise, they were all normal. My daughter started to cry and she had gained consciousness. She was then again active and she played with her father. The nurses asked us if we will still continue to confine her in the hospital as if they are confused as well. They asked us what happened and they just told us that maybe, my daughter just got her nose decongested since she had colds. I insisted it's not just because of the cold because I believe there's really something wrong but the nurses told us to have my daughter checked by her pedia first since they saw my daughter active and playful. Though I really wanted my daughter to be checked that day, there was no pediatrician on-duty since it was Sunday. Monday came and we went to her pediatrician. Still, she told us it's just because of her colds. She advised us to use a little amount vicks vaporub mixed with hot water and let my daughter inhale the scent out of it. We went home right after the consultation and I made myself believe that it was all because of her colds though deep inside, I know there's another cause of it. I searched on Google and typed what I saw on my daughter when she had her seizure. The answers I found were epilepsy and infection. Among the two, I suspected it's because of infection but still, I just remained calm and had faith with what the pediatrician told us. I thought my daughter is growing weell and healthy but not until she had seizure again on her 11th month. The scenario was just the same. After 3 minutes of being unconscious, she was again okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I was too worried. I searched for another pediatrician and I let her checked my baby's condition. I told her everything. She confirmed that my daughter doesn't have an infection but, we need to let her see a pediatric neurologist so we can determine what are the causes of her seizure. We went to Tacloban with the money I borrowed. Since my daughter will undergo Electroencephalogram Test and Cranial Ultrasound, we really need a huge amount. We met the neurologist there and advised us to have the tests firsts so she can diagnose. My daughter's cranial ultrasound was okay. She doesn't have any water of blood clot on her brain but her EEG results are disturbing. My daughter's brain are transmitting waves too fast since EEG detects the waves on our brain. Even though my daughter doesn't have any seizure during the time she's having the EEG, the waves on her brain were still detected. If these waves can go even more faster, then it will be the time when my daughter will have an epileptic attack. I don't know what to do anymore right after the neurologist told the diagnosis. I feel like it was all my fault why my daughter is having this kind of condition. I even questioned God and hated Him for giving this health condition to my daughter because why this has to happen? Is He that mad at me for Him to make my baby sick? I'm really lost that time. But then, I gathered myself and still believe in God. My daughter will be okay and she will be healed. The neurologist prescribed anti-convulsant oral medicine for my daughter to take everyday for two years. One bottle of the medicine costs almost $40.00. We again borrowed money so we can buy it immediately for we cannot wait for my salary. Oh dear! I have a lot of debts to pay but I believe I will be debt-free soon. I will overcome this challenges. Dear friends, please include my daughter in your prayers. 🥺 I don't wan her to experience seizure again. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Sorry for my wordings and not organized writing. I am still not okay but I need to write to earn something, to earn extra while I communicate my feelings. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 20 September 2022

A happy baby makes a happy mommy. I'm still sleepy when I was on my way to work. I slept late last night for we had visitors who celebrated my baby's 11 month. Yes, yesterday, we celebrated my daughter's 11th month of living. I am beyond blessed to be her mom and I would be forever grateful to God for giving her to me. Though I am not yet ready to become a mom and sometimes I miss my childless life, I would still choose my mom life. Mom life is very tiring but I am amazed with myself because I have made it through everyday. I never thought I would be able to take care of a baby when I was still pregnant but here I am now, my baby is on her 11th month and she's growing healthy and happy. **A happy baby makes a happy mommy.** Nothing would give me much joy than seeing my baby happy. I don't know why I have changed greatly because before, I always think of myself and I don't care about others life. But now I am a mom, I don't care about myself anymore. I don't care if I haven't taken a bath for days as long as my baby has her bath everyday. Maybe some of my friends will say I am now uglier haha but I don't care. I am gaining weight, yes, but I am happy. Food makes me happy. What can I do? If I limit my food intake, I'll go crazy. Lol. Again, yesterday was my baby's 11th month. I and her dad made it sure that we'll buy her cake that time because we haven't bought one for her during her 10th month. I admit that last month was so hard for us because we are drained financially. It was so hard for me not follow our monthly tradition but what can I do? I don't like to owe money to someone again. I am slowly paying my debt and I can say that I am almost debt free. I guess I only have 400.00 php or $4.00 debt left and I will pay what I earn here for this week. My baby's fairy godfathers came in and brought fries, goodies and drinks. I call them fairy godfathers because they feel woman inside but they're just trapped in a man's body. I am so thankful for having them because they're always there for me and for Clea, my baby. I don't like to be included in photos these days because I lose one of my tooth during my pregnancy and I haven't had it replaced. Maybe next month when I have extra money. My daughter has just awaken during that time and she's not in a good mood for anything. Look at her face. Haha! She might be wondering what she's seeing. It's her first time seeing fire so near her. I just include this picture because I found it too cute not to share. These are what we had last night. Just a few but our stomachs are full. You know, food felt like more when shared. We are just so thankful to God for giving us these blessings despite of the inflation and crisis we are having right now. God will always provide but of course let us also make effort. Let's work for it. Okay, I guess these snacks would complete my article for today. My boss treat us snacks too whenever she orders for herself. Get yourself some snacks too! Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 13 September 2022

Dad thing? Last night, my partner decided to recycle our baby's formula milk packets. I don't know where he got the idea from but I think it's useful and efficient. I've been thinking of ordering diaper organizer because I hate it when the diapers just come out of the plastic wraps. Unfortunately, I can't order now since we are on a tight budget and we are saving for our baby's first birthday next month. This is what my partner did last night. He created a diaper organizer, somewhat like a dispenser wherein we'll just have to place all the diapers inside then we'll take one from the hole below and the rest of the diapers will go downward, ready to be pulled. I forgot to take a photo of him while doing the diaper dispenser. He used the formula milks packet and stick them together to make a larger packet. After that, he glued everything to make them durable and functional. He also used the diaper's plastic wrap or packaging to cover the DIY dispenser. Lol. After his creation, he then place all the diapers and tried if it's of use. Upon trying, I can say that it works and it's helpful for I don't need to get a diaper from the plastic wrap. I just need to pull and that's it. Well, this DIY diaper dispenser is cool and we also recycled packets or cartons. These little acts are really appreciated. You know some dads out there don't care about these things but it doesn't make them less of a father though. Maybe some of them are not into arts lol. I don't know if this is an art but for me, it's acceptable. My partner and I argue sometimes and I guess it's part of growing up. Lol. Kidding. It's part of the relationship and by it, we grow and mature as a couple. I hope I can extend my patience whenever we'll have an argument. I hate it when I am angry because I'll resort to going home rather than fixing the problem. Perhaps, I am that confident that he'll still come for us. I don't know but I am afraid that maybe one day, he'll get tired of begging. Oh my! Let's cut the drama. Yeah, I was happy seeing my partner doing stuffs I never expected him to do and I am looking forward to see him doing more of his dad thing. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 9 September 2022

Never have I Ever "Mom" Edition I saw this picture on Facebook and took a screenshot of it because I know and I am sure I can use it here as a topic. I honestly don't know what to write these days so I end up writing nothing. I'm exhausted from work and I feel like I deserve a break when I am at home. You know, just be with the family without thinking of something else. I also want to relax when I at home because this helps me to get rid of being anxious. Just imagine, it was yesterday when the thought of ending my life came across my mind again. Well, it happened after my boss instructed me to do a lot of things all at once and I feel like I was stressed or something. I realized that when I am stressed, the thought of giving up will come in so now, I will choose not to be bothered with things I don't have a control with. Anyway, let's start writing about what's written above. Let's start the "Never Have I Ever" challenge "Mom" Edition! Licked pacifier to clean it Oh, come on! This is very unhygienic. I have never done this and will never do this. Though I am a lazy person when I am at home, I still get up and wash my baby's feeding bottle and pacifiers. You know, our saliva has a lot of bacteria and this would cause illness to my baby which is NO-NO for me. Hid in the bathroom I've never done this in my age today, I mean now that I a mom. Maybe when I was still a kid. I don't want to be alone because I don't want my thoughts to fly again and think of death. I need someone to accompany me all the time so I have someone to talk with and my attention will divert to something else rather than overthinking. Had a son I never have I ever had a son. I have one daughter and I think I don't want another baby as of this time. I am not yet ready physically, financially and mentally. Honestly, I am way too tired taking care of my daughter and I would die if I get pregnant again. Well, at first, I really wanted a son because I want the rest of my future babies to have a brother who will defend them from bullies or from harm. Finished your child's meal Never have I ever done this. My daughter eats porridge with veggie soup, and sometimes egg and I don't like to finish her meal if ever there will be left-overs. It's because we don't put seasoning to daughter's food and I don't like to eat unsalted or unflavored food. For me, it's boring and I won't satisfy my taste buds. Breastfed in public I just don't prefer breastfeeding in public period! I want to breastfeed my baby in secured and calm place because she ends up crying whenever she hears something while she's latching. That's why I mixed-fed and I trained her to latch on a feeding bottle so we won't have a trouble whenever she's hungry and we are in public places. Hmm, I think these are the situations I have never tried out of all the situations given in the picture. I enjoyed answering this one even though my mind is not 100% focused as I write this. I am currently attending a webinar related to mental health because I really need this! Glad that the university I am working in have this kind of webinar. To all moms out there, you can try this challenge too! Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 30 August 2022

Hmm. People change. People change. Well, the only thing that's constant in this is world is change. I know I shouldn't be surprised when something or someone changes because that's how it works in this world. However, we cannot deny that every change gives impact may it be joy or misery. Today, I am writing to express my sadness about a friend I seldom talk with. We lost that tight bond when I became pregnant. We seldom see each other during that time because I quit work and decided not to be seen by everyone while I am pregnant. I am no trying to hide my pregnancy. I just don’t want anyone to see my pregnancy body lol. It’s worse than you can imagine. So yeah, I and that friend have not bonded with each other for almost two years now. I miss those nights when I kept on sharing her the stories of my life. I miss those times when I tell her my problems and she gave me advice without judgment as to how or why I did these and those. With her, I am me. I don’t need to conceal anything because she understands me and still accepts me and my brokenness. I miss her. This friend was also the one who encouraged me to try new things that I am so afraid to do. I think she’s a blessing from above. Our friendship was so unexpected since we both are not sociable at school. We have friends but only few. We knew each other then but we did not have that long conversation rather than “Hi” and “Hello”. I don’t know what it is in universe that brought us closer. Hmm, I guess we met each other so I can learn a lesson. She was given to me and was taken away to teach me something for I became too dependent on her. She was given to me so my adulating life would not be boring. She was given to me so I can survive in the new environment I was in. She was there for me so I would not feel I am alien to everyone. In short, she’s my confidant and I was too confident I won’t lose her. During my pregnancy, she was still there working while I was stuck in my boyfriend’s place. We still communicate with each other though and I did not feel any gap between us. Our approach to each other was still the same and she still laughed at my jokes. When I gave birth, she came in the hospital to see me and check if I am okay. However, after I gave birth, we seldom communicate via social media platform. I also felt that she distanced herself for unknown reason. Well, she still replies when I message her but the tone of our messages can’t be felt. It seems like we are just talking to an ordinary friend. I sometimes saw her on my way to work and I can say that she saw me too because she glance on my direction but she just pretended not to see me. I sometimes called her but she just walked fast and did not care. There’s a time when we crossed each other’s way and that’s the only time she smiled and then walked away without saying a word. I am thinking if I did something wrong and I am really sure there was none. I really don’t understand her, suddenly changing. Perhaps she might have gotten new friends and she doesn’t need the old ones. Despite what happened, I should move on anyway. My life still continues without her. Maybe she has changed and so I should too. I still consider her my friend but I won’t give her much value compared to before because I don’t want to be heartbroken. Lol. I guess she’s busy with life lately too that’s why she doesn’t have time to catch up but whatever it is, I now accept that she has changed and there’s nothing I can do about it. Friendships always change over time. We might relocate, switch schools, or become preoccupied with our own life. Our friendships develop and evolve along with us. But occasionally, the change is detrimental as old disputes or conflicts reemerge or we merely drift away. Maybe we simply drift away. To that friend, "I will always be here for you, but I want to make sure that you're doing well." Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 25 August 2022

Busy so I'll be free I don't know why but these negative thoughts linger on my mind everyday. There's a day when I think I have a cancer or leukemia and I would die any time soon. This thought of me going to die is making me restless everyday. I'm anxious. I'm afraid of the future. Even though the people around me are always telling me that these thoughts were all on my mind and they're not going to happen, my constant fear of death has not left my mind like it's already rooted. Gosh! I hate this! Who likes to think of death? I don't want this thought to consume me. I have a life and I must live not just exist. I have a family and a daughter to take care of so I must help myself because no one can cure this but me. **Making myself busy so I'll be free.** To make me feel better, I decided to make myself busy so I won't have a time entertaining these negative thoughts. You know, keeping myself occupied with things, with work and momma-jobs. I don't want to think I'm dying and just sulk in bed doing nothing. Hell no! I want to be happy again. I still want to drink beer and be with my friends getting wasted. This anxiety won't stop from being a good mom and a provider to my family. This anxiety won't take away my dream to experience gluta drip. Haha! I know this is crazy but I really dream of having a fair skin complexion ever since I was child. My friends named me "octopus" for having a dark skin tone so I promise to myself that when I am earning money, I will surely get that gluta drip. Maybe not now but soon when we will be stable financially. Anyway, I am starting to explore Hive again. I created my account last June but I only wrote 4, articles and I don't have enough Hp to interact with other users. I am now on Discord, making friends with all the users there and waiting for my status to upgrade to "hayahay" so I can interact more. Just recently, I wrote an article on Hive entitled "Amor Fati". If you have spare time, I would be glad if you check it on Hive. Let's be friends! I'm also finding a way how to be active here on read.cash everyday. Even though Rusty's visits are not the same as before, I am still willing to write for it helps divert my attention. When I am at work, I would sneak time so I can write an article whenever my boss is having her meeting or when she's busy with something. Time is gold and I should not waste any single minute. My earnings on read.cash is not the same as before but at least I still earn here though. It's better than nothing. Not sure how to start but I plan on spending more time with family for I am always away during weekdays. I feel like I am grumpy all the time and my partner can feel it. I don't want him to feel unwanted but you know, being a mom, a working mom is so tiring. I don't want to do anything when I am at home. I just sleep when my baby is asleep. Furthermore, I want to cook spaghetti too. Spaghetti has always been my favorite and comfort food. If only I have extra money for it, I would hasten to the nearest supermarket to buy the ingredients. For now, I can only afford to buy pan cake ingredients so I guess I'll convince my partner to buy after my shift. With these things, I pray to God that I will eventually forgot that I have anxiety so I won't think much about it. I want to wake up without worry. How about you? What are the things that you want to get rid of? Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 22 August 2022

The feeling of having nothing I used to judge my mother before during those times when she kept on begging things from us especially money. There were days when she would just came in with her red face due to sun's heat. Well, she went from places to places so she can borrow money, but unfortunately, no one lend her since they already knew that she would pay the next three months. I don't have a problem with her, borrowing money from others. It's just that she used our names, I and my sisters' saying that she'll use the money to pay our tuition and to provide us something to eat. How fool of her! Shame on her! She doesn't even give us a single penny. She wasn't the one who took care of us and she wasn't the one who send us to school but our grandmother. She would also came in my grandmother's house and took some things with her without our permission. My grandma would just find out that some of our kitchen utensils are missing. Lol. I really my mother before but now, I am glad that she has changed. She's now working as a helper in a sari-sari store. Sometimes, she gives me money for my daughter's diapers but I refused to accept because I know they need it more. ***The feeling of having nothing.*** Ugh. I don't expect us to have nothing as in literally nothing in our pocket. I hate borrowing money from others and I promised to myself before that I would not borrow anything from anyone for I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want someone asking me to pay my debt. I also don't want others to pity me because I feel like that's not a part of my vocabulary. I mean, I don't want to look pitiful. I never knew raising a child would be this costly. Yes, I am working but my salary cannot suffice our needs especially my baby's formula milk is kinda pricy. I also don't want her to wear diapers that are made of plastic. My baby's needs took more than a half of my salary and the remaining amount would be paid to the ones who I borrowed money from. Honestly, I hate myself for borrowing money from my friends. Some of they know that I am not like this before. I was even the one who lend them money before. I guess having a child really took away all my pride. My close friends knew our situation and they bought milk for my daughter. From the expensive formula milk we used to buy, we switched to the cheaper one because my daughter does not refuse to it anymore. She doesn't also feel indigestion so this cheaper milk is just okay for her. Yesterday, I was really happy because my friend, Dj, bought milk for my daughter. Dj is Clea's godmother and she's so kind enough to give. It is such a relief knowing that I would not have to worry for my daughter's milk for a few days. My friend, @Valjosh09 also gave us $2.00 for the petrol so we can drive and get the formula milk. I also have friends who lend me money for the mean time. I am really glad and thankful that I have friends I can really count on. Despite having nothing, I still got a few people who let me feel that I am not alone and that they are with me may it be in my battle against anxiety and life. This experience let me realize that kindness is still around. Of course, I am always grateful to God for me giving me angels during these trying times. I know there are still more rough roads ahead but I shouldn't fear for He's with me. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 10 August 2022

Me as a 'commuter' It's 7:40 in the morning when I left home to work. I know I would be late since we should be in the office before 8. But, what can I do? I have a lot of things to be done in the morning before I go. First, I would nurse my baby for 20 minutes since she consumes much time latching on a feeding bottle. After that, I would eat my breakfast and take a bath. When I am done dressing up, I then would feed my baby since she doesn't know how to put her food on her mouth. Lol. I don't know why. Maybe she was not used to feeding herself because we haven't trained her. I cannot blame the people at home too since they are also busy and just resort to spoonfeed my baby than letting her led-wean. And if you wonder why my partner is not helping, well, he's still at work during these hours. He will wake up at 2 AM and went home at 8 AM. By the time he'at home, I already left. So yeah, after my baby eats, that's the only time I go and wait for a bus or jeep. Commuting is one of the daily routine that I missed. I like to watch the surroundings as we pass by with my earphones on. I feel like I am a famous personality in a music video enjoying my drama. Lol. The songs that I hear may it be from the bus I am riding or from the jeep give me extra feeling especially the classic ones. They made my trip relaxing even though the hair of the one sitting beside me kept on banging on my face. One funny thing that became my habit when I am commuting is looking at the feet of the other passengers. Well, I just like to see if I have the ugliest feet.l because I consider them not presentable. Haha! I really hate my feet and my toenail's shape. There are also passengers who pissed me off and they are the 'too loud' passengers. These are people who talks a lot inside of the bus or a jeep. It's like they don't care if other passengers hear them. Well, it's fine if they aren't talking about other's personal issues but they are. I am not that kind of person who likes to listen to anyone's story especially on a bus or in a jeep. It's just that they are too loud for us not to hear everything. These are just some of 'me as a commuter'. Uh, okay. I guess I should end it here so I will have more to tell tomorrow. Sorry for the very short narration. I am always running out of time when I became a mom. How about you, friends? What are you as a commuter? Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 9 August 2022

I don't want this kind of 'me' these days Before, when my grandma is still supporting our educational needs, she used to borrow money from someone or apply for a loan and I don't understand why. I don't understand because she has a barbecue business and she earns enough for our needs. I asked her why there are few people who come in our house and would look for her and she told me she owed something to them. There was even a day when a collector from a lending company came in and look for my grandma and my grandma instructed me to tell the collector that she's not at home. Lol There's also a time when a collector came and he was furious. He even made a scene outside our home by yelling at my grandma. My grandma just stayed calm and promised the collector to pay on another date. Looking at my grandma that time, I almost shed a tear. I know she's hurt and she's having a hard time budgeting the money that's tightly enough. With that, I promised to myself that I would finish school and have a job that can suffice my family needs so I can help my grandma with the financial problem. I also promised to myself that I would not borrow money from someone because I don't want to owe a debt. Not ever! But then God made twisted my life's plot. He gave me a daughter during the most unexpected time. I wasn't ready emotionally, physically and financially. Despite everything, aborting my daughter did not cross my mind. I did not care if I wasn't ready. All I am thinking of is the baby inside of me. Whatever it takes, I will do everything for her. Now that I am a mom, I understand why grandma had debts before. We really can't predict what will happen so we won't be able to prepare. Even though we are somehow financially stable, there will always be time that will test our stability. I never thought we would spend much when I gave birth because I just gave birth normally. Hmm, maybe yes we did not spend much for my delivery but we spend a huge amount for the hospitalization of my newborn baby. She had a blood infection which led us stay in the hospital for 10 days. We exhausted all of our savings/resources that time and the hospital bill kept growing each day. I asked financial help from @Zhyne06 and she was so generous to deposit the amount I borrowed to my bank account. She was one of my angels that time and I will be forever grateful to her. It's just so bad that until now, I wasn't able to pay her fully. I felt ashamed whenever I am not able to give an amount to her. I know she's kind and understanding but she has a kid to provide too. I also borrowed money from @Murakamii.7 during the time when my salary has been delayed due to my negligence. I passed my 'daily time record' late so the accounting staff were not able to process my pay along with the other workers. Just last week, we rushed my daughter to the hospital because I woke up with the noise coming from her breathing. She had a hard time breathing because of her colds. She was unable to make any movement not even a cry. We panicked and decided to rush her to the hospital even we know we have nothing in our pocket. I again borrowed from @Valjosh09 for my baby's medicines. Ugh, I am so tired physically, emotionally and mentally. I don't know how did I handle these things each day knowing that my anxiety and panic attacks are still here. I want to be free from debts but I still have nothing these days. I don't want another debt anymore. I'm struggling. I even planned to go back to online teaching since I earned a good amount there way back then but I can't talk about my resignation to my boss. She's so understanding and she accepts me even my anxiety. Anyway, I know I will get through all of these. God is with me always. He won't give me these challenges if He considers me weak. As what they said, after the rain comes a rainbow and I am so excited to see that rainbow again. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 26 July 2022

For the dreams? I am so exhausted today. I never expected that I would be this tired after submitting all the pertinent documents AGAIN but to the other division. I decided not to go to work today since I planned to prepare and submit the documents needed for teacher application. To apply is very easy because you just need to hand in the documents and then wait for the schedule of the demonstration and interview. What makes the application so exhausting is preparing the pertinent documents needed such application letter, professional commission ID, certificate of LET (Licensure Examination for Teachers) rating, Transcript of Records, Personal Data Sheet, Voter's ID, National Bureau of Investigation clearance and Omnibus certificate that certifies all the mentioned documents. These documents cost me so much because I don't have my own printer and I have to pay for the printing and photocopying of documents and not only that, every document must need to be certified which means we, the applicants, should go to a public or private attorney to notarize every document. It's fine if the public attorneys will notarize all the documents but they wouldn't. Because of this, we need go to the office that issued the documents and pay for the certification. Urghhh! Why is the application for teaching this costly? I mean why certify every document when we already have the Omnibus certificate that will certify all the documents attached? I don't get it. But then we are the ones who are need of the job so we need to follow everything. Lol. Sometimes, I thought of quitting the dream, my parents's dream which is me, becoming a public teacher. Honestly, I am tired applying. I guess I already applied three times but then I haven't been called. I graduated in 2019 but I haven't gotten a teaching position until this year. Is it really my dream to be a teacher? Because if I do, then I wouldn't get tired of the process. Am I only fulfilling my parents' dream or I am just applying so I can have a permanent job and a salary to support living even though my heart is not in it. And if my heart is not in it, would I really be happy? Hmm. Perhaps, yes, because I would have bigger salary compared to my job now. Lol. They say money can't buy happiness but for me, it can. I'm broke if I don't have money. Haha! Whatever it is, a dream or not, I think I should continue on the application. Come what may. I don't want to stress on anything because it won't contribute to my healing. I am still on the process of mental healing so I won't dwell longer on things that stress me out. For now, I will just follow what will help me lessen my problem and that is to have a job, or apply for a job that can really suffice our need. In this way, I now have a reason to love the job. Happy Sunday! Gotta sleep early. We just came home from the City. Will catch you all tomorrow. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 23 July 2022

I've got a heart without a home I'm back again after one week of being inactive. As usual, I miss writing here and interacting to you all virtually. Being a clerk/executive secretary consumes all of my time for I work during weekdays from 8 AM to 6 PM. Sometimes, I felt sad knowing that I left my 9-month-old daughter at home when I should have been taking care of her. I felt sad that I am not giving her breast milk when in fact I can produce it for her through electric breast pump. But anyway, I also think that giving her formula milk won't make me a bad mom. There are a lot of moms who are giving their babies formula milk and it doesn't make them less of a mom. Last week, one of my virtual friends, who I met here on read.cash sent a screenshot of a writing challenge on Hive. I've been on Hive for almost three weeks I guess but I have no progress in there. I seldom write and I don't have enough resource credits to make any interaction aside from publishing my article. I'm still a noob there and I hope I will have time to explore. The above photo is the challenge that my friend sent us. I planned to make an article about this last Wednesday but still, I wasn't able to do so. Now that I have time, I will take this opportunity to write while my daughter is sleeping. I have a lot of songs in mind because I love music and it's hard for me to choose one. But, after an hour, I guess, lol, I finally decided to choose the song "Ocean Deep" by Cliff Richard. https://youtu.be/byEtvCLXN74 Some of you might have heard this, right? This is one of the classic love songs that our parents used to play whether in karaoke or cassette. I remember my grandma used to listen to this song while she's letting us sleep during the afternoon. During that time, I don't understand the meaning of the song. I just enjoyed the rhythm while I am pretending to close my eyes because my grandma would hit us with a hanger if we wouldn't sleep during the afternoon. I also heard this song on the radio during Sundays that's why I become too familiar with the song. One big reason that makes me don't want to forget the song is because of my ex. He likes this song and he always sing this one for me. Our endearment is "love" which really fit to the song's first line which is "Love, can't you see I'm alone? Can't you give this fool a chance? A little love is all I ask and that is all". I know he's now my ex-lover and I shouldn't have special feelings for him anymore or else my boyfriend will kill me. Lol. I don't know but I still think of him whenever I hear the song, Ocean Deep. All of our happy memories from the very first day we met and the very first day he courted me would flash back. I'd really like to talk a lot but I am afraid my boyfriend would read this article and misinterpret everything. I don't want him to question my love for him and I don't want us to fight for this shallow reason. I just shared some thoughts that I want to let out of my mind. Maybe this can help me get rid of my anxiety. Sorry for not writing well. I admit my writing skills has been greatly affected of my anxiety for I can't focus on one thing. I am still on the process of healing and I can say that my condition is now improving. Hoping I will be completely fine so I can write everyday. Happy Saturday! (You can find this article's title from the song lyrics) Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 13 July 2022

should I stay or should I go? One week had passed and I've been also too passive for the whole week. I told myself to write an article everyday but the time to do it is so hard to find. Being a mom, a working mom is really tiring especially in my case for I am battling with my anxiety everyday. Even though I really wanted to just sleep, relax and calm my mind, I can't manage to do it. I have a baby who needs me. I owe something to a friend that needs to be paid. I need to have money for my baby's needs. These are just few of the things that I always think of. I am so tired not in life but tired of being me. I hate me for having this anxiety. So yeah, my well-being has been very much affected. I even think of leaving/quitting my job since I always feel tired. I was absent for three days and within that three days, I was at home taking care of my baby. No work, no stress. I realized that maybe my baby is the one who can help me. Whenever I carry her, play with her and laugh with her, I can't think of those negative thoughts that my mind always play. I chatted my boss and told her about my concern but she did not allow to resign. She advised me what to do and offered to lend me money so I can go to a doctor and have a check-up. She even told me to rest and I am allowed to rest from to time. She is kind and understanding that she allowed me to rest for the whole week but then I told her I would go to office today. I know she needs me because she's a very busy woman. We already had that connection and if she'll hire a new one, it will take much time and the paper works to be done would be pending. I understand she needs someone in her office but I also need to rest and have my mental peace back. Now I'm in troubled waters. If I quit job, I will have my rest all day but there will be no money coming in my pocket and if I don't quit my job, I feel like my healing is so slow for I'll be facing stress and pressure everyday. Should I stay or should I go? Urgh! Why do I have to feel like this? I always do my best everyday to feel fine but why does my mind won't cooperate. I know I can control what I think of but it's really hard for me to do it this time. I really wanted to be free from this drowning thoughts. I miss my life. I miss how to be happy. I miss how to enjoy every moment of life. I miss the feeling of being in love and to be loved. I lose big part of my life. But, I won't give up even if sometimes my mind would command me to just end my life. No. I don't want to die this way. Not now! I want to see my baby grow and be successful at life and I want to have more experience being a mom. I know this anxiety shall pass. This will be over soon and I should help myself because no one else can help me but myself. God is also here with me and He won't let me battle this alone. In Him, I will be healed. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 3 July 2022

What do these dreams mean? Many have said that dreams have meaning and they might happen oppositely in real life. Just like what my grandma said, when I dreamed about her died and she turned into a leaf. I told her about this dream and she just laughed because it means that she will live longer. I asked her who taught her that but she just answered that that's what they believed before. I was still unconvinced because I want to base everything on Science and not just mere beliefs but I did not oppose my grandma about her beliefs though. I don't want to start an argument that's not going to end. Lol. It sometimes disturbs me when I dream of my partner because it would always be about cheating. I dreamed about him cheating not just once but thrice. The first dream is when I caught him chatting other girls on Facebook. The second is I caught him again seeing girls and the third time, just recently, he broke up with me because he is with another girl and I was surprised because the girl is one of my workmates. Lol. All of these dreams are like real because when I woke up, I search for my partner if he's in the house because I really thought we already had broken up. I told myself that I shouldn't get attached to someone because I don't want los a part of myself especially that we are not yet married and he still have a choice to see another woman. You know having a baby is not a guarantee that a man would be faithful (not all). Despite having the thought of not getting too attached, I was somehow hurt when I caught my partner cheating even if it was just a dream. I don't why I reacted that way and I hate myself for it. I am the kind of woman who doesn't want to cry over a man but it seemed like I did this time. What's even funny is I found myself in tears when I woke up for in my dream, I chased my partner and beg him to stay but he didn't. He chose the other girl instead. Lol. After these dreams, I realized that I am attached to my partner now even if I won't admit it. I know I'll be fine without him but I also know that I'll be sad too. I also realized that I shouldn't be too harsh on him because he's still a human and he gets tired too. Maybe he's tired of me but he still stay despite my unfair treatment towards him. I don't know why I have this thought of him, going to cheat like I anticipate for him to do it only to satisfy myself and prove that my verdict about him is right. I really hate myself for having this kind of attitude. I guess this is another part/episode of my anxiety. Anyway, have you also dreamt about your partner cheating? How often? What do you think this dream means? I can access google and just search it but I just want to hear true to life experiences. Happy Sunday! Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 1 July 2022

life update Sharing what I posted on Facebook here. I hope this ain't against the rules. My mind is too occupied to think of another thoughts to write. I also wanted to let go of the frustrations I have for myself. Sorry if this is not worthy to read. I used our mother tongue in some of the lines here. Here it is... I've stopped living my life the way I used to for days—no, months. I can smile, but I am not happy any more. My friends and family are here, but they don't understand me. I tried to express my feelings and my fears to them, but all they would say was, "Imo ra ng huna2." Tbh, I have no idea why I constantly feel like I'm about to die. My fear of death has become so ingrained in my psyche that I think of it every day. Being unwell when you wake up is quite difficult. I have no idea why, but every morning my hands and feet are freezing. They eventually become so numb that I am unable to move them. The worst part is that my mouth numbs to the point where I can't properly enunciate a word. Palpitations will follow and make the situation worse since I start to fear and think it's the end. I went to see a doctor, and she told me that this incident is anxiousness, or being fearful of the future. The doctor gave me medicine but I did not take even one pill for I don't want to be dependent with it. She also advised me to come back if I won't feel better because she'll refer me to a psychiatrist. So that I wouldn't think about death often,I tried to apply for a job. God is so good that He gave me the job. Among the more than forty candidates, I was fortunate to be selected. My condition seemed to be improving since I started working. During the first week that I'm at work, I don't experience panic attacks. My thinking would, however, allow me to recall that I will die when it is time to return home. There's this day when I feel like I don't have a purpose in life anymore that I want to die. I thought my work would really help me but I was wrong. In fact, my performance has been significantly affected, and I've even considered leaving my job. When my boss gives me instructions, I frequently forget what she says and have to repeatedly ask her for clarification. My attention to details has gone and I don't like it. Additionally, I stutter when speaking to my coworkers and this creates miscommunication. Since I feel as though I don't belong there, I am genuinely too shy to approach them. I've lost my ability to function. My productivity has decreased. And each one of these is a result of my anxiety and panic episodes. I don't want to be like this. I miss me! I know this is very hard but I should be stronger. My daughter needs me. My family needs me. I know I am not alone. Laban lang jod tas mga panic attacks madi. Like karon bday sa ahong bayukems, aws jod nag enjoy kay ang huna2 naa ras death. Huhu! Pag uli, palpitate napod. Pero kebs ra, buhi ra gihapon. Bisan pag kada adlaw palpitate, buhi pa gihapon. That's why I realized that what I feel are all in my mind. My mind creates this and I should seek help from a psychiatrist because I can't win the battle alone. I am sure that I'll get better soon. Gimimgaw nakog tagay maong dapat ma ajo na jod ko! 🤣 I hope no one here experienced the same as mine. I don't want other people to suffer from any mental health because I know how hard it is. Friends, please let us value our mental health. Be with people who matters. Eat on time and sleep on time. Above all, pray. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 28 June 2022

The songs that comfort me To avoid panic attack occurrence, I distract myself with songs. You know it's like living in hell when your anxiety won't go away. I should have consulted a psychiatrist but then my salary has not been processed yet due to my negligence. Urgh! I hate myself for having this anxiety. This is the major reason why I'm not in my best state. I even stutter when I speak sometimes and this bothers me because my boss might think I am not capable of the position I am in. Ow, here I am again with my overthinking. Yeah, this is how crazy I am. Just last night, I saw my baby's rashes and I over think of it as if it was a hand, foot and mouth disease. Lol. I panicked a little that's why I asked her pedia and sent her pictures of the rashes. Glad that she replied and just instructed us to buy a certain cream to be applied twice daily on Clea's rashes. What a stressful life I have but anyway, I know I will get through all of these especially my anxiety. I love listening to songs ever since I was a child. There are times when I listen to them to hurt myself more lol. There are also times when I listen to songs so I would be motivated enough to do the household chores. Sometimes, I also listen to songs because I like to reminisce the good memories I had with my recent ex. Well, I just missed us and my life before when I was with him and nothing more than that. These days, the main reason why I listen to songs is because I want to fill my mind with other thoughts. I want this thought of me going to die to vanish. I'm legit tired of this! Let me share to you the songs I am fond of listening these days. **Angel Baby by Troye Sivan** https://youtu.be/IR-6KE8C4VQ This was released 8 months ago and I loved it when I first hear it. I don't know why it became popular just these days though. I love this song because the lyrics just suit my little daughter, Clea. She's my angel baby who bring me to life when I almost died. I almost gave up in the word "forever" until she gave up heaven so we could be together. I'm sure some of you already heard this especially if you have TikTok app in your phone. **Strawberries and Cigarettes by Troye Sivan** https://youtu.be/Mw5mAozjC6M Another one by Troye. I like this song because it has chill rhythm and the beat is to die for. Whenever I heard this, the memories of my happy past plays too. I remember my good old days with friends when we were just enjoying every night being wasted. I don't know but this song gave me that vibe. **Habang buhay by Zack Tabudlo** https://youtu.be/RkX3iiI317k This one is OPM and I just like the rhythm the kind of music it has. Chill chill lang. Good vibes lang. I think these should be all for today. I must focus on my clerical job or else I'll be in trouble again. Haha! Happy Tuesday, everyone! Thank you so much to my sponsors who renewed their sponsorship. ❤️ I appreciate you all @JustMyRambles01, @ExpertWritter, @Amy05, @yhanne, @Jher0122, @Momshie-Joy and @Bjorn. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 26 June 2022

All about my job It's my third week here at work as a clerk/secretary. With my three weeks of being here, I saw a lot of faces. Some have approachable aura and some are strict and snob. I also met different people with different designations/ranks. There are people with high ranks that are humble and kind. There are also kind people who are in low designation and there are arrogant ones too. Imagine during my first week, there this old employee who keeps on asking me what course did I finish and in which office I am assigned to. She keeps on asking me everytime she saw me. I think she's like that for one week and during my second week, she told me that my boss is too bossy and she doubt that I can keep up with my boss. Well, I just smiled even though I am pissed. You know as a new employee, I should act like a sheep first and learn how to play the games here. Lol. But now, she was changed. She stopped asking me and she started to call me "ma'am" instead of "day which I don't mind anyway. I also met someone here who doesn't give equal respect among the faculty. When he's facing those who are above him, his approach would be different. He will automatically turn into the most friendly one. But maybe I was wrong or I was too quick to judge. I should observe or know him well before I say something. Hmm. It's my fourth week tomorrow and I can say that I am starting to love my job even though it's tiring. @Murakamii.7 is right. I am glad that I followed her advice. If not because of her, always encouraging me, I would have stopped working after my first day. Lol. I have my reasons why I almost quit my job. I just started without proper orientation. I mean the last clerk/secretary was not there anymore to teach me some of the things/paper works. She even left a lot of documents to be filed. My boss also gave me a lot of tasks to do at the same time that I don't know what to do first. She let me attend her meetings too and asked me to have a documentation. Well, I am fine with that but my phone's camera is not anymore functional. I was nervous that time because I don't know anyone there in the office but then I still managed to approach someone there and borrowed her phone. During my second day, I asked to make a proposal about the upcoming event I don't even know. I kept on asking to the old employees there but I stopped after my fifth question because they had a lot of things to attend to. That was my first struggle but then God is really good because I managed to finish everything. I think it was everyday that I kept on saying that I will quit my job but then guess what? I am still working for almost a month now. Lol. I don't know but I think I will still continue despite how exhausting the job is because if something doesn't challenge me, it won't change me. Have a great day! Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 21 June 2022

Happy 8 months, Clea! Now I already believe that babies really grow fast. Clea turned 8 months last Sunday but she's a little bit smaller than other babies when it comes to size and that's fine. She was only 1.9 kg when I gave birth to her and it's understandable why she's smaller compared to others. But nevermind anyway. She's growing healthy and active and her pediatrician told us that a baby's weight should not be the basis of a baby's wellbeing. The day before Clea turned 8 months, I and my partner were thinking about what to have during the day. We don't have money in our pockets since he's not working anymore for he takes care of Clea while I am at work. My salary has not been released yet too up until now. I don't know where to get a support financially. I think of writing an article a day but I can't manage to do it daily since I am exhausted from work. I don't want to stay awake at late night because my anxiety would worsen as advised by the Doctor. Before, even if I don't have a work, I can say that we don't feel much scarcity of resources compared to now because my partner has his own salary and I cannot write an article here per day. I guess I'm writing a lot of unnecessary things that aren't connected with the title. Alright. We were so happy because our baby turned 8 months last Sunday. Despite having nothing, we were so blessed to have the people around us. Clea's grandpa, my partner's dad gave her a dedication cake and a box of formula milk. God really knows what we need. Clea doesn't have milk for this week and it is our main concern last week. Glad that God sent an angel in the form of my boyfriend's father. Clea doesn't like to wear hats or anything worn on head. She even hates hairband but then as a mom, I keep on putting on hair stuffs on her because they look cute on Clea. Haha. Look at that angry face lol. You can say that she really doesn't like what's happening and what she's wearing. Oh, and she got her hairband from her ninang @Zhyne06. Thank you po! Clea with her tita @Lovelyfaith. I am happy she was there to celebrate with us. Lovely is not active these days and I don't know why. I hope she's feeling fine so she can go back on track. We maybe did not celebrate Clea's day so grand but the thought of remembering makes the day extra. I just pray to God that she'll grow healthy in all aspects. Now that she's 8 month-old, we are already excited to celebrate her very first birthday that's why we need to save something for that big day. Sorry for my not-so-organized article. To be honest, my productivity, how I think, how I respond to everyone were affected. I lose attention to details that's why I struggle a lot at work. I am worried that my boss won't be satisfied with the kind of outputs and work I do. That's all for today. I'm excited to see the generous Rusty again. Good evening! Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 16 June 2022

Seeking for medical help I don't understand why most of us think that consulting a psychiatrist is only for people who lost their sanity and that when someone seek for psychiatric help, he then be placed in a mental hospital. Well, who am I to question them when I also think of it that way when I was still a kid. I guess television dramas influenced us that much. Anyway, I came across my Facebook memories. I saw my shared post about panic attacks two years ago. I was thanking God for not letting me battle my anxiety and panic attacks way back 2019 when I was still in College. I thought this anxiety won't come back again but I was wrong and this time, it went on another level. When I am anxious about something or when I started to think about death (I don't know why I always think about this), I can feel that my mouth and throat stiff. I can't control my hands and legs too as if they are paralyzed. Consequently, palpitations follow because I'll be nervous and worried making me unable to breathe. Honestly, I am so tired of this panic attack. This stole my happiness because I always worry. This panic attack also made unable to take care of my baby well because I would let someone take care of her while I am feeling uneasy. I hate it the most because everytime my boss at work would instruct something, I immediately forget what she said that's why I always bring my pen and paper so I can take note of what she's saying. I hate this. I lose my attention to details. I am glad that I am now working because I feel okay when I am at work, I mean I am mentally fine. No panic attacks and all. Just my boss who lets me do several tasks at the same time. Lol. Though it's very exhausting to work in the office where I am in, I am still happy because I live the normal life I used to have before. However, when it's time to go home, my panic attacks start to kill me again while I and my partner are heading home. Maybe because I keep on thinking of that time when my whole body numb while we were riding on a motorcycle. I am thinking that what if it will happen again today or maybe tomorrow or the next day. I guess this is one of the reasons why my panic attacks occur. I am really tired of this. I miss me. I miss my life. I miss waking up without the fear of dying. I miss sleeping at night with calm mind and heart. I already did my best not to be anxious and worried with the little things around me but my mind won't stop me from thinking about it. My mind would always play those times when I almost died because I wasn't able to breathe. I want to live normally again so I decided to seek medical help from a psychiatrist. I asked my co-workers if they know what hospital has a psychiatrist. Glad that one of the nearest hospital here has a psychiatrist on duty during the second and third Saturday of the month. I messaged the hospital's page and they replied in a minute. I ask for the consultation fee and I was surprised because it's too pricey for me. The consultation fee is 1,000 php ($20.00). Well, this is not a normal consultation between a doctor and someone who's not feeling well. I really want to contact them and have an appointment but I have nothing in my pocket that's why I write this evening with high hopes of Rusty, giving me higher tips than the usual. I still have this evening and tomorrow and I am hoping I can earn even half the price of the consultation fee. I really wanted to heal that's why I am this desperate to earn. I know God is with me as I battle this challenges and again, he won't let me battle this alone.

@Marinov 12 June 2022

Just..... At last! I am here again. Thank God I feel fine today. I feel a bit sad these days knowing that I wasn't able to publish for a couple of days. Come on! No writing, no earning. I enjoy writing but the reward I get from it makes me motivated. You know when you become a mom, have your own family, you will look for an opportunity to earn and I found this, blogging site, read.cash as one opportunity for me to let go of my caged thoughts and earn afterwards. However, there are situations that are beyond my control like this anxiety of mine that keeps on coming back. I really hate myself for thinking too much. But then I realized that what triggered my anxiety is because I am experiencing postpartum depression. I am still overwhelmed with the vast change that happened to my life. From being wild, young and free to instant mom who's now unmoisturized. Lol. I never expected this. In fact, I never knew about this before I mean I know what Postpartum depression is but I don't know the struggle of having it. I know that what I am feeling are part of the PPD because a lot of moms told me and I also read about it. When a woman gave birth, a lot of changes will occur. Her body changes and her life won't be the same as it was. Perhaps some of the things she used to do are still possible for her to enjoy again but most of them are not. Just like yesterday, there was a big disco party at the next town for it was their founding day anniversary. There was also a free unli-beer for everyone. I saw a lot of pictures and some of the people there brought large containers to fill in with beer. I really wanted to go and enjoy like to forget that I am a mom even just for an hour or two. I want to experience how carefree I was just like before. I want to feel free and wild. I want to get drunk again. In short, I want to experience the night life I used to have before. I looked to the direction where my baby is sleeping. She likes side sleeping when she turned 6 months. She's so cute when she put on her leg on her little bolster. Looking at her, I decided to just stay with her. After all, I won't enjoy the night knowing that I have a baby who needs me, waiting for me. My partner wanted to go too but he already knew that I don't want him to go. We already talked about the things that we don't want one of us to do. Honestly, I appreciate him more now. I know he missed his life too the way it was before even though he doesn't speak about it. Well, he is now a father and it's his responsibility to make his family his top priority. Maybe one day if my anxiety and postpartum vanish, (I hope they do A.S.AP) we will have a one-by-one shot at home just like we used to do before. I love to see myself looking presentable and fine but I love this "mom look" more. My baby won't be a baby forever. She will surely grow and I will have my time to redeem myself. For now, I will just enjoy being a hands-on mom. I don't care if others see me differently now. I know I gained weight and my body is different compared to before but I don't mind them. What I am concerned of is the welfare of my baby and that she should always be tidy and healthy. So this is just....just some thoughts that I feel sharing. Sorry for being away for too long. I promise to read as much as I can so I can catch up things. Anyway, the market is bloody red and so is my heart. Lol. I am afraid that read.cash might get dissolved. But let's pray that it won't. Nah, I'm really outdated. Let's enjoy the night for tomorrow's going to be a busy day again. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 6 June 2022

Job opportunities With high hopes of getting away with my anxiety, I applied to jobs that I think I am capable of doing. I need to unwind while I am being productive. My mind won't stop overthinking if I am just at home. I know I should be staying because I have a baby but I also need to leave for my mental peace. I guess this is what they called part of postpartum depression. There's a day that I don't want to be with my baby because I thought I am not taking care of her well but then if I am away from her, my mind won't be at ease. I also need to work because I need to feel better, totally better. I can't function as a mom if my mind is like a storm. That's why today, I decided to start the job that is given to me. I realized I shouldn't let this opportunity go for there are 44 of us who applied and there are only 3 of us being chosen. Who am I to waste the chance? I thank God for the job opportunities that came. Honestly, I was confused which job to choose. I was tied up between two job opportunities and there another job hiring that is inline with my degree which is a part-time English instructor. However, I choose the one that I think I won't get stressed and pressured because I need to stay calm and relaxed as part of my healing process and that is being a **clerk.** Actually, it's my first time to apply for this position and I doubt myself if I would be able to do the job. But whatever, others can so why can't I. Maybe I will have a hard time at first but that's normal for new hires. I am really happy because I was chosen and the people who interviewed us believed in my ability. I thought that I won't get hired because I did not received a text confirming about the application so I accepted the job that was also offered to me and that is a **"research assistant".** I accepted this job first because the workplace is just near from our home like a walking distant. The rate is also the same as the clerk. However, I doubted myself if I can handle the job as a research assistant knowing that I forgot what I have learned during College. Haha! The one needing an assistant is a also known to be bright and I feel like I can't pass his standards. Oh my! Another overthinking. After I received that text yesterday from the institution that I was chosen to be a clerk, I immediately chatted sir Joseph, the one who needs a research assistant. I told him I won't be able to come today because I accepted the offer of being a clerk. Glad that he replied okay. Well, he already knew about it anyway. The photo above is a screenshot of the text messages I received about the job. I am done with all the selection process and thankfully, I became a part of the lucky applicants. Is it my first day already? Lol. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 1 June 2022

Don't let overthinking take over you Overthinking for me doesn't have any good effect on us especially on our mental health. It only makes us worry even things are not yet happening. It makes us anxious and scared what tomorrow might bring which I have felt these past few days. I felt that I could die anytime. I also lose my will to live because I don't know what's my purpose anymore. But then God enlightened my mind telling me I should be strong, much stronger because I now have a daughter and she needs me. Despite the days I struggle to think straight, I am very much happy that I am now fine and I can now control my thoughts. There are a lot of things that I missed and I was not able to do anymore. I miss doing the laundry which I used to enjoy before my panic attacks came. I also missed washing the dishes and helping my grandma with the household chores. Overthinking consumes my time and it ruined my health. Because I am overthinking, I was scared of the things that are not yet happening. I always thought about negative things especially death. Well, maybe this is a part of what they called postpartum. Whatever it is, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I also noticed that my daughter had lose weight. Her face is not that round and fluffy just like before. Her arms and legs were not that thick compared to before. And that's because I was not able to take care of her well during my anxiety days. I was too late to realize that I am slowly neglecting my daughter. Was I a bad mom already? For me, I already am because in the first place, I shouldn't be like this. I should not think of things that are beyond my control. I should focus on my family. Just yesterday, I started to fed Clea the way I fed her before. I am also thankful that my grandma is here to help unlike from my boyfriend's place. See these are just few out of the many things that my mind ruined. Some might say I am just acting up and I can get through this easily. Believe, I already tried a hundred times but there are just days I can't control my own thoughts. I guess if this still persists, I might have anxiety disorder which I don't like to happen. I know we can't avoid not to overthink sometimes and that's fine. What makes it not fine is when we do it a hobby, an everyday activity. Dear friends, again, please take care of your mental health. Yes, there are a lot of medicines that can make us feel better but there's no medicine that can cure overthinking. There's no medicine that can control our minds. Always be well. Stay hydrated. Eat on time. Sleep early or have enough sleep. Be with people who matters. Above all, talk to God. It's the most powerful way that I tried. And now, I am feeling better and better. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 24 May 2022

Happy Christening, Clea! Last Saturday, my daughter had her christening day. It was one of her big days in life and we are all excited about it. Actually, we planned to have Clea's christening before she turns one month but we aren't prepared that time and I am also not over with my crying stage as a mom. Lol. That one month after giving birth is like a roller coaster of emotions for me. One day, I am happy then the next day I am not. There was a time when I cried hard in our room while Clea is sleeping and I didn't noticed that my grandma was there and she asked me why. I just told her I am having colds and I am not feeling well. She just let me cry and I can really tell that she's not convinced with what I said. Anyway, that was just before but I miss me before. My anxiety keeps on coming back these days that I struggle just to feel okay. I don't know why my mind is always thinking that there's something wrong even though there isn't. Believe, I tried to control it but I can't. Right now, my chest is kinda heavy but I just lay down and relax so I won't experience hyperventilation again. But even with these struggles, I know I will be fine. I've experienced this before and I know I will get over with this too with the help of God. So yeah, back to my daughter's christening. Days before her christening, I and her father ordered decoration set and we rented stands for our sweets. Actually, we just spent on the sweets like cakes because my partner's dad, who's Clea's grandpa, was the one who spent for the suckling pig, the viands and the soft drinks. We also planned to have the christening that day because it was their town fiesta. We decorated the night before the event because we won't be able to do it during that day for the christening was held early in the morning. We had a hard time deciding what should we do because our friend, who promised to help us did not come but it's okay. We still managed to finish anyway. Tadaa! That's the final look. It's not perfect but it's beautiful for me. I and Clea's dad did it and we finish the decorations at 11 PM. Morning came and it's the christening day. We woke up early so we won't be late but then we are still late. Lol. There are a lot of people inside the church when we arrive that's why we stayed outside. It was a bit hot and Clea was crying hard. She was sleepy but she can't sleep. Maybe it's because of the noise, warm temperature or because of the dress she wore. I feel like she's not comfortable wearing that dress but it looks so cute on her though. After the mass, we immediately went inside and tadaaa! These babies are now Christians! I am also happy because Clea's godparents came. I appreciate @Zhyne06 presence because she went here just to attend my baby's christening even though their place is so far from here. My friends also came which made my heart full. @Murakamii.7 and @Joymae also came and we talked a lot. I can really tell that I do miss them. There were also a lot of gifts given by Clea's godparents. It was my first time attending a baptism and who would have thought that I'll attend one because of my own baby. Lol. Life is really unpredictable. Anyway, sorry for being unresponsive for so long. I hope you will still support me. I am still healing myself. Have a good evening! Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

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@Marinov 20 May 2022

Thank you, Lord I think it's almost a month since my anxiety came and hit me hard just last week. Woah! I battle my anxiety and I won because I am still alive. Though my anxiety kicks in every single day, it's a blessing that I am still here too. To be honest, I thought it's going to be the end of my life that I planned to tell my family that I am about to pass away. Isn't it crazy? Lol. I don't know why I develop this fear of death. Hmm, maybe it's part of postpartum depression. Whatever it is, I pray to God that all my worries will go away and I would go back to the old me. I miss having a peaceful mind. 🥺 I am really sorry if I wasn't able to read your articles. I am now on the process of healing - physically and mentally. I even uninstalled my Facebook app because it's one of the reasons why I am anxious. These past few days, I lose my focus that I can't even concentrate when someone is taking to me. All I am thinking of is to monitor my breathing which is not good. As I monitor my breathing, my heart are also fleeting fast. Consequently, it worsen the situation so please, don't do it. If ever you had a hard time breathing, just drink a glass of water, sit down and relax. Now, I can say that I much better, I mean I feel better. I'm not totally fine because there are times that my panic attacks kick in but I just remained calm and do other thing like talking to the people here, cuddling with my daughter or just sleep. In these ways, I forgot about my anxiety and the palpitations go away. I thank God for it. I am also done with my antibiotics. I plan to go back to the doctor to have another urinalysis so my mind would be at ease knowing that I don't have Urinary Tract Infection anymore. Even though the doctor told me it's fine not to visit again if I feel better, I will still go back for my mind to be at peace. Lol. I don't want to overthink again whenever I feel something in my body. Today, I think we are going to be busy because it's my baby christening tomorrow. Hurray! I was really excited for this. I hope my anxiety won't steal any moment today so I will do everything that I planned to do. I will share to you some pictures tomorrow. I am also excited to see my baby's future godparents. This all wouldn't be possible if without God. He gave me another chance at life like everyday. Whenever I think about I'm going to die, He gave me strength to overcome those panic attacks and let me sleep at night. Now that I am still alive despite the struggle to think clearly, I would make it sure that I use every minute of my life to heal because no one can help me but myself. They might say it's easy. They can say I'm just acting up and they might say it's easy not to think of the things I worry about. I don't care what they think. I'm only here for the people who understand me and I live for the people who care for me. So yeah, gonna end this now. I need to rest and have enough sleep. Friends, pray for my mental healing. It would be a great help! Thank you for being with me. Gonna catch up when things are stable. Happy Friday and take good care of your mental health. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 13 May 2022

Findings: UTI and a possible thyroid goiter How are you all? I wasn't able to publish again because of some health conditions. I want to share to you what happened that almost end my life but I want to be over it. Actually, I have a draft about it but I didn't continue writing because my panic attacks will only got worse. As much as possible, I should think about happy memories and positive things. Because this this persistent chills all over my hands and legs, I decided to go for a check up. I thought these chills were only because of my anxiety but it's not. I told everything to the doctor what I am feeling and he asked me several questions. He asked me if I have a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and I told him I do have because these past few days, I found it painful sometimes to pee. My abdomen and lower back also ache occasionally but I just ignored them. I thought these were just side effects of the contraceptive pills I was taking which I stopped taking last week. The doctor instructed me to have a urinalysis so he can give me antibiotics that are safe for breastfeeding. Based on the results, I do have a UTI and this is one of the reasons why I am feeling chills. I also feel like there are needles that prickle all over my hands and legs and then it will be followed by numbness. The doctor gave me Vitamin B complex for it and he told me that serves as my maintenance. Wow! I cannot believe I have a maintenance already at this age. The doctor also checked my neck if ever there's a goiter which can be the cause of my rapid heart beat. He saw that the right side of neck is kinda bulgy compared to the left. Moreover, he told me to take the test so we can find out if there's really a goiter. But then we don't have enough budget for that and the doctor told us to have it if ever we have extra money. And about my anxiety, the doctor told me to relax and just think of my family rather than the negative ones. He told me to clear my mind because it will only make the situation worse. Gosh! As I am typing this I can feel that I am having chills again. I guess I should end this before my panic attack worsen. What made me sad is that our savings which is allocated for Clea's christening was used yesterday. The medicines that the Doctor prescribed are pricey but then we don't have a choice but to buy so for me to get well. I was really hesitant to take an amount from our savings knowing that it's for our baby's christening. Well, to cover the amount loss, I will try my best to publish an article a day even if I am not completely well. To be honest, I am afraid to die. I don't want to get admitted to the hospital again. I am so afraid and this is the main factor that gave me anxiety. Whenever I think about it, I feel like there's a heavy thing above my chest. Please, pray for me to get well physically and mentally. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️

@Marinov 9 May 2022

Mother's Day and National Elections Happy Mother's Day to all moms, soon-to-be moms, fur-moms, and moms at heart. I know this is kinda late but it's better late than never. I supposed to write yesterday but my panic attacks hindered my productivity again. I don't know why I feel uneasy when evening comes. My feet and hands numb and they are freezing cold. No matter how hard I try to make myself not to panic, I cannot avoid the thought that these panic attacks might kill me. I thank God for not letting me battle this alone. If without him, I could have just ended my life to end this suffering. Oh dear! I don't want to think about this again for I might feel uneasy and restless. As much as possible, I keep myself busy with things so my mind won't entertain the negative thoughts that my anxiety gives me. So how did you celebrate mother's day yesterday? Did you give your mothers cake, flowers, chocolates and hugs? For moms, have you received those mentioned above? Well, those things you gave are just like token of appreciation. What truly matters is the thought of giving. I was happy to see that more and more children are giving value to mother's day celebration. From my experience before when I was still in Elementary, mother's day was like an ordinary day. There were only few who greeted their moms or there were only 2/10 who gave their moms a gift or anything. This is just my observation before. I don't know if you experienced this too. Because I grew up without much appreciation to my grandma, I am too shy to give her something yesterday. I didn't even greet her. I just gave her a hug. Lol. She even laughed at me and told me if I already eat. Yes, I didn't give tangible gift to my grandma but the hug I gave her was genuine and I found peace and comfort through it. Mothers are superhuman and they deserve all the love in the world. I never knew motherhood is this hard until I become one. I just had a baby and it feels like I am tired all my life. Taking care of the baby consumes all of me but I don't want to rest even if my baby is sleeping because my mind won't be at peace if I knew that our laundry is not yet done or if the dishes aren't washed. My partner told me to rest while our baby is sleeping and I told him I can't rest if the surrounding is messy. I hope dads/fathers will understand this. Lol. Anyway, my friends from Philippines how's the election going mga mars? I hope this election would give us genuine results. I know we support different candidates but let's be friends still. Social media has become toxic because of elections. Some friends became enemies just because they have different presidential bets. Some families don't talk to other relatives because they support different colors that represent their chosen candidates. I even have a friend who disowned her friend for choosing another color. Lol. Yes we can ask, or let me say educate people. We can do that. But if they still stand with the candidate they chose, then so be it. It should be the end of the conversation not of the relationship. After all, we are the ones who feed ourselves at the end of the day and not the candidates we supported. Tadaa! Done voting! Whoever wins, I hope our country, Philippines, will continue to progress. Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Ciao! ❤️