Living is tiring
I am writing this article while fighting the side effects of quetiapine. Quetiapine is the medication I take at night for my disorder. It is an anti-psychotic drug but it can also be used for other illnesses like bipolar disorder.
I am thankful for this medication since I could feel the...
I could not take it
I was writing that article last night but my body was not having it. I thought I could fight what I am feeling but eventually I decided that it would be better to just let my body rest. So that is what I did.
I actually can not remember how I wanted this article to go but I will try my best to write it in a way that makes sense.
Being medicated
To continue what I started to write last night, being medicated helps a lot in managing my symptoms. I am able to rest my mind for a bit. The medication actually slows down my mind so that I will not be caught up on it all the time.
However, this peace of mind comes with a cost outside of monetary value. The tablets I take everyday gives me challenges to face as well. I know that it is expected since my body is just getting used to the medication. Beside, I searched for what to expect before asking for a prescription.
Escitalopram helps me in controlling my depressive episodes at first but it triggers hypomanic episodes which is the reason why the psychiatrist gave me another medication. This tablet makes me feel so sleepy but I still struggle with sleeping at the right time. It was probably because I am taking this in the morning which makes me sleepy in the afternoon but the effects are somewhat faded at night time.
Quetiapine is helpful for me as it helps me fall asleep at night. In the past, I would be up past 3AM even though I have stopped using my phone at around 12AM. There was no reason for me to be awake yet my tired body just can not seem to relax enough to sleep.
With medication, I was able to get more or less 8 hours of sleep which starts at around 10PM. At first I was actually sleeping more than that. It was probably due to the combined effects of escitalopram and quetiapine. However now that my body is kind of getting used to the tablets, I am getting a bit better in managing my time.
A different kind of fight
As much as I would like to believe that I am magically better now, the truth is I know I still have a long way to go. Despite the fact that I am now sleeping better, I still have some major problems at hand.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I see no reason to keep doing this. It is so difficult to continue fighting when my mind is not giving me any reason to do so. I have a fear that I may someday succumb to this temptation and inevitably hurt my loved ones.
My mind is clearer than it was a month ago, but the thought of not wanting to continue moving forward stays with me.
There are a lot of times when I asked myself, "why am I trying to get better when I will just die someday anyway?"
Honestly, I tried to reason with myself. I tried to remember my friends, family, and my partner. I tried to remember how much I love them, and how I never want them to be hurt by me or my actions.
I just think that right now, I am only doing this because I am so tired of hurting them emotionally when I could not handle my emotions. I am also tired of hurting myself.
I just want to get better, and not worry about this anymore. If only there was some sort of switch that I could turn off so that my mind will be okay right now, I would have done it without hesitation.
Closing words
I did not publish an article yesterday so I am going to publish 2 articles today. I am going to be busy with school works though so I will probably still not be able to interact as much as I would like.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
At such times, it is good to deal with things that will occupy the mind.