Accepting my Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder
For years, I have been in denial. I tell myself that what I experience is normal. Everyone has mood swings, right? So why would I be different?
I am just a normal person experiencing normal mood swings. The highs and lows I experience are part of life, and nothing to worry about.
Everyone struggles sometimes, so being unable to get out of bed or wanting to die is the norm. It is not a cause for concern.
I tell these things to myself over and over for the past six years, thinking that it will be the truth. Wishing desperately that it was the case.
The turning point
I finally had to face that I have problems when I had the sudden urge to ghost the three people who know me best- my two bestfriends, and my partner. I knew then that I needed help if I do not want to destroy the few bridges I have left.
Until now, I feel glad that I did.
Ever since undergoing that first consultation, an air of optimism seems to follow me around. I feel happy that I am getting the help I need.
It was surprising
The first diagnosis I received was major depressive disorder which I expected somehow. After all, I have the symptoms for years now. It would have been weird if I did not suspect that I might have this disorder.
Depression sure explains the moment where I feel so drained that even getting out of bed is a chore. Sometimes, brushing my teeth would even feel like an achievement. However, depression alone does not explain the mood changes I experienced as well as the impulsivity I have.
So while I accepted the diagnosis quite easily, the moment I started taking the antidepressant, I knew that there is something more to it. Escitalopram (antidepressant) triggered what I know now as hypomanic episode.
If you know someone with bipolar disorder, you might notice it the moment I started posting my impulse buys for Oreo, Presto, and Moshi. Sure, the items I bought made me seem like a loving fur-parent, but rationally, the money I spent then would have been better used for other more important things such as for medication and therapy.
So when the follow up consultation comes around, I made sure to mention this surprising symptoms. At first, I really thought that I am getting better immediately. It felt nice. I felt like I was at the top of the world.
However, as I started relying the symptoms I experienced since taking the medication, the new psychiatrist informed me that her diagnosis to my condition is bipolar affective disorder.
I honestly can not remember how I reacted. I think I disassociated for the rest of the consultation when I heard that. The psychiatrist explained what this condition means while continuing to ask me if I relate to what she was saying.
The more she says, the more I understand. Yet a part of me does not want to understand.
Depression is one thing but bipolar disorder? The stigma surrounding this mental illness is something that I did not want to deal with.
But I have to
I have to face the reality despite the part of myself that just wants to pretend this never happened. I wish I could just go back to pretending that what I experience is just how rational humans act. But I can not do that.
If left untreated, bipolar disorder will cause more harm not only to me, but also to the people around me.
I have to come to terms with the fact that this diagnosis does not have to become a label that I carry all the time. I am not my disorder, I have a disorder that I am undergoing treatment for. This thought along with a great support system keeps me going through the treatment plan.
Closing words
Hearing the phrase bipolar affective disorder came out of the psychiatrist's mouth almost sent me into a state of in-denial. I wanted to tell her that I am just depressed and sometimes I would feel normal.
But now I realized that the productive days I celebrated so much actually harms me too. Someday, I might tell more about what living with bipolar disorder looks like, but today I want to end this article here with my acceptance.
If you are also affected by bipolar disorder, I hope that you find a treatment plan that works for you, and I hope that you are also surrounded with an amazing support system who will be there for you during difficult times.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
la mente es algo muy complejo y cada persona tiene sus propias batallas, lo importancia es tener la madurez par tomar las mejores decisiones par ser una mejor persona