I want to stop (1/2)
Yesterday was a difficult time for me. The day started with my irritable mood. The reason was because my family forgot to wake me up. You might be wondering why I did not set an alarm, well I have a curfew on my phone so I could not hear it since my parents have my phone.
Anyway, because of this I was in an irritable mood so early in the morning. But I still attended the event of our organization. The event encountered some technical difficulties but it still is a great event, in my opinion.
I feel proud of the PowerPoint presentation we made. And the students were very participative in our event. I was glad because it means that the students are enjoying the event we prepared.
I have to say that it was thanks to our fellow officers who are full of energy when they are hosting. I guess their energy is contagious which makes the students more active in participating.
I have to leave
Unfortunately, I could stay for the whole event since I had to attend a psychiatric consultation. I was honestly looking forward to this consultation for the few weeks.
Why?
Because I have been too impulsive lately and I wanted to know if it was normal since I just started taking a new medication or if I should be worried.
I also wanted to know what my laboratory tests results mean and how it will impact our treatment plan.
Moreover, I was excited to talk about the assignment she gave me for the two weeks. The assignment was to make an autobiography which includes how I feel and what I was doing at certain age.
It did not went as expected
In the past consultations, I left the meeting feeling hopeful and heard. I thought that the doctor understood me which makes me want to trust them in turn.
However, this did not happen in my last psychiatric consultation. I left the meeting feeling as if my concerns were set aside and that the money I spent was not worth it.
The reasons for my feeling
The psychiatrist kept referring to me in a different nickname
This might be a small thing for some people but it leaves a weird taste in my mouth. After all, I corrected this multiple times during our last conversation, the least she could have done was take note of my nickname.
Moreover, the first batch of prescriptions I received from her was misspelled. So it was not her first time to get my name right. I believe that if I have to pay for such an expensive consultation, the least I could expect is for the doctor to get my name right. After all, she has all my files and I know for sure that my name is typed correctly in those documents.
The psychiatrist are not sure how to interpret the results of my laboratory tests
This is understandable since it is a different expertise but I still hated how the psychiatrist handled it. She was unable to set proper expectations so I was not able to prepare myself for the possibilities.
At our last consultation, she said that the tests are done to rule out physical conditions as well as to check whether the dosage of the medication I am taking should be decreased or increased.
In yesterday's consultation, my lab results are mostly normal except for two tests. The first is the VLDL and she said that it wad okay that I have a lower result since VLDL is a test for bad cholesterol. The next test where I got a lower result than normal is for the FT3 test.
This test is one of the three thyroid tests that I paid for. I must say that it was expensive since each test costs P500. So for the three thyroid tests, I spent P1500 already. That is not including the other tests.
In total, I spent P3390 for the laboratory tests I got done. So imagine what I felt when the psychiatrist told me that I have to get the FT3 test redone again. Or I have to spend money to get the lab results interpreted by an endocrinologist.
Logically, I know that I have to do this. But hearing that wanting to unalive myself for the past 6 years could *just* be because of thyroid issue is a slap to my face. After all, I am spending a lot of money for the medication I am taking right now and to be told that maybe I do not have my diagnosis feels like deception.
I ask myself, why did they not require these tests before putting me on medication? Why are they putting more expenses on me?
This also made me want to stop my medication. I know the risks and dangers involve in stopping my medication without following doctor's prescription but at this point, I just don't care at all.
I will just consult an endocrinologist to know if I do have thyroid problems and get treatment for that. But for the mental illness part, I think I will just stick with psychotherapy after all.
Closing words
This article is supposed to be published last May 8, a day after my psychiatric appointment. It was supposed to be an 8- minute long article which was why I was hesitant to publish it at first. Now I decided that it would be better to divide the article into two parts to keep the words at a minimum.
As of today, I only have 1/2 escitalopram to take in the morning, and 1/4 quetiapine to take in the evening. I have actually started experiencing the side effects of my decision but I am mostly "fine" so I will see how long it takes me to regret my decision.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Wow. Now I'm doubtful of the credibility of that doctor. I think you need to find a new one.