Words like Knives
Maybe I am too emotional. This is what I tell myself as I was crying from careless words spoken by my younger sister.
Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder which makes it hard to regulate my emotions. I swing from one extreme to another. But my diagnosis is mostly composed of depressive episodes as compared to manic episodes.
I knew even before my diagnosis that I need to handle my anger better. Honestly, I included reading up on nager management in my New Year's resolution.
After my diagnosis, I knew that my manic episodes are full of anxiety, anger, and irritation more than any sort of painful euphoria.
What I am not saying
Sharing this is not supposed to be some sort of excuse. I never plan to use my condition as an excuse to intentionally be a mean person.
I am just sharing that for a rational human, also known as the "normal person" or a person with no mental disorder, it is natural to think logically of certain actions.
You would know it is wrong to react at a drop of hat so you would be able to hold your emotions.
For me, my anger would burst out of me before I could even feel it coming and then my mouth is moving before I even understand what is happening. Following outbursts like mine are usually followed by an insane amount of guilt and self-hatred.
The context
When I stopped taking my medication starting May 12, my mood is in chaos. I try my best to control myself but I know it is not nearly enough.
I can not share how tiring it is to do my best and still hear my sisters tell me to get my act together.
I want to tell them I am trying but I do not want a full blown fight to occur so I just keep rolling my eyes at them.
During our vacation last May 20-23, I was irritated with almost everything. I know how bad it is and I can see that they do not understand.
They think I am just being a party pooper for no reason at all. Feeling this made it more difficult to enjoy our vacation. It sucks because I was really looking forward for it and I could not help but feel that it is my fault that we did not enjoy the vacation as much as we could have had.
Today pushed me off the edge
As much as I was dangling with the edge of the chasm of my mental health, I was still able to mostly move out of it even when unmedicated.
But I started taking medication again this June 3. This comes with the side effects again which brings me in a not so good mood.
I try my best to mostly sleep to past the time but of course I still want to communicate with my family.
Today, my mood was all over the place. It was so bad that it prompted my sister to tell me that whenever I am in a place, I just put everyone in a bad mood.
These simple words made me choke back tears. I immediately gathered my things and left the room because it was too much.
I was mistaken
I thought that by being open they would give me time to be myself as I try to get better. But it seems as if my family is the very triggers that I have to avoid for my mood to stabilize.
As much as I understand where my younger sister was coming from, it was still a slap to my face to be indirectly told that I am not wanted there.
I was already having the urges to yeet myself out of this reality and those words just pushed me off the edge.
I feel scared of what I am thinkin right now but I am tired already.
Why keep fighting when even legitimate blood relatives basically told me that I ruin the mood when I am around?
I can not be bothered to think of any reason to fight anymore.
To fight a battle alone is already hard enough, but to figure out that the support system that I thought I could count on just view me as a burden is beyond difficult.
Closing words
I am not sure how I am going to get over this. I tried rationalizing the situation but it just made me angrier.
I know better than to think that a mentall illness is an excuse fo bad behaviour.
But I was not even trying to ruin the mood, I was just interacting with them as my mood disorder is affecting me.
There was absolutely no need to make me feel as if my very existence is a nuisance they would rather not deal with.
Sorry for this article, I just do not have a lot of friends to talk to so I just turn to writing.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Your situation is difficult, the family should be your pace as you needee them but they did the opposite.