If only it were that easy
I told them that the depression haunts me. It keeps me awake yet almost never lets me out of bed.
I wish I could get up and just be normal. I wish I could brush it off like before. But the symptoms got worse.
I feel bad but a part of me hates them for making me stop my medication. Their voices telling me that I look okay and that I do not need medication never leaves my mind.
The fact that they told me I should tell them my concerns then try to invalidate my concerns is the last straw that made me lose all trust in them.
I love them.
But I would never trust them again.
They said I will get over it. They said that I just have to keep myself busy.
However if they see me doing things that make me happy but they view as useless, they would tell me I am wasting my time.
There used to be a time when I was quick to defend myself. A time when I used to be so passionate and full of belief that they will understand.
But years of trying to explain I need help has worn me down.
I am tired of trying to explain that I am doing my best to control my mood. That I also feel worthless and full of guilt after raising my voice at them for seemingly small things.
I am tired of them telling me to fix my attitude yet being so against me seeking treatment.
I am tired of trying to help myself when everyone around me tells me I am normal and that there is nothing wrong with me.
If there is nothing wrong with me then why do I hurt myself? Why do I hear voices and noises they can not hear? Why can't I seem to control my mood and impulses no matter how hard I try?
Why did taking medications helped me feel stable for the first time in my life?
If there is truly nothing wrong with me, why do they look at me with such worry when I told them I started cutting again?
They tell me I am okay and normal, yet they do not even know half the things I went through.
They do not know that I still wake up from dreams of the past and scratch myself trying to take off my skin.
They do not know that when I look at the mirror, my reflection does not feel like it looks like me. I can not recognize myself.
I am so tired of tryin to explain why I think something is wrong with me. Only for them to tell me that I just need to sleep.
They stopoed me from using my phone so convinced that it was the cause of my symptoms. Yet the only thing it succeded in doing is make my symptoms worse. With no phone to distract, the nights where I can not sleep is spent in hurting myself or imagining countless ways how to hurt myself more.
Reading this, you might think I should seek a professional's help. I already did.
I was already feeling hopeful of the future before that hope was cruelly taken from me again.
I hate that all I want is to get better but they kept telling me I do not need help. But when I am now reverting back to myself before medication, they tell me to fix my attitude and to calm myself.
I hate them.
I hate this.
I hate myself.
If only there is a switch I could turn off that will magically make these irregularities disappear. If only it were as easy as they make it seem. If only I am not struggling.
It sickens me that they are more concerned about whether I would continue studying instead of whether I would kill myself in my sleep anytime now.
It sickens me that they are more worried that the medication might affect my so-called talented brain than thinking abiut how this brain is literally destroying me from the inside.
It sickens me that I am hating them like this when I understand where their concerns are coming from.
They try to support me but their prejudice against mentally ill people shows. Their discrimination shows. The stigma is something they carry so bad.
The only support I asked of them was that they do not try to stop me from taking medication. Yet they could not even give me that.
I hate them and I feel bad about this feeling.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Hey, you can't let them do that. It's almost impossible for someone who hasn't experienced what you're going through to understand, especially when they are not knowledgeable and/or educated, so they probably never will. But this is your life we are talking about here. You can't let them do that to you, you can't let them take your meds from you. They aren't the one suffering from this as much as they might mean well, they might end up causing More harm then it already seem. You've got to get back to taking your meds, you've got to stand up to them and let them know it's your life, your pain, your choice. They don't get to decide that for you, your doctor does. So, whatever you have to do, get back to taking those meds, and fast before things get worse and out of hand