I took the first step to help myself
This article includes content that may be triggering to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.
Trigger warnings: self-harm, suicide
Everything written here is my personal experience. I have been mostly silent about my struggles in the recent years but now I want to share what I had went through and what I will go through in the following months.
For years, I have struggled with my mental health. Maybe it was because of the pressure of being a Science High School student wherein we are expected to be always be better than our peers.
I am not quite sure when it started but I knew the breaking point that exposed how fragile my mind was. It was back in Grade 10 (2016) when I first started harming myself. At first it was just mere words.
Some negative comments about myself here and there until it turns to a regular thing. I would wake up and instead of feeling grateful, I felt disappointed that I had to live through the day again.
It felt as if a blackhole was inside me eating up every emotions that I could feel. There was nothing else of me, I wss just a shell. In this time I got a paper cut and I felt something. It started a routine in which hidden parts of my body started having scars from my own hands.
I wanted to feel something and at the time, it was the only thing I could do that made me feel anything at all. I felt empty most of the times.
This empty feeling lingered until the time when someone metaphorically pushed me to the edge. It was my then-bestfriend who shouted at me in front of our school, with many strangers watching as she ranted about certain things about me. She knew I hated attention, she knew I hated being screamed at yet she did it. It was a Friday when that happened.
I remembered that I kept on thinking back on that for the whole weekend. I could not sleep on that Sunday because I did not want to face the day. It was around 2AM of a Monday, when I decided to just end it all for myself. I remember that there were certain random things that happened that usually don't. It was as if some force was trying to wake up anyone in the house to stop me but no one thought anything of it and they continued sleeping, ignoring all the random things going off that time.
As I lie there watching the blood flowed out of my wrist, I felt at peace. But then I remember that my mother would have been the one to find me. At this point, more than an hour had likely passed. I am not sure.
However, my mind finally cleared up a bit and saw what I had done. I climbed down from my place at the top deck of our double bed and went to where my mother and father were busy preparing for the day.
When my mother saw me and the blood, I could tell she was scared. I was taken to the hospital and there I experienced something that I hoped no one else has to go through.
The nurses on duty kept pointing at me and talking amongst themselves. They thought I tried to take my life over a stupid boy or that I was heartbroken, maybe even pregnant. I wanted to scream that it wss not the case but I stayed silent and bear all the stares I got from both the staff and the patients as well as their family.
When they took me home, the neighbors are already spreading rumors. They even asked my sister when she went to buy something if she is the sibling of the one who tried to end her life. My sister was angry but she just denied it calmly. She let us know about it when she went home and I could see how troubled my family were.
As well-meaning as my family were, their attitude towards me suffocated me. I felt as if I had to "get better" instantly since they kept acting as if they were walking on eggshells around me. So I buried what I truly feel and just act as if I am "totally okay" now.
My adviser then told my mother to take me to the psych department to know what is going on with me when several teachers visited our home. However, I refused to go there. I was afraid that they would treat me the same way that the staff from the emergency room treated me. I was not ready for that yet.
It did not end there
I have many more instances when I should have asked for help but I did not. The fear of facing what is wrong with me kept me from truly getting better.
However, there is a single thought that made me realize that I need help, and I need it now. It was the thought I had of ending my relationships with other people, specifically with my partner, that slapped me back into reality.
I no longer had any excuse to stop me from seeking help. I have enough money for several consultations. I am now legal age so I can seek help without informing my parents. There are online consultations so I do not have to worry about long lines nor worry about commuting somewhere unfamiliar.
I could feel that my decision would affect the future I have. And I could not bear to lose the connections I have right now. Moreover, I refuse to cause more damage to my relationship with my family.
I could continue pretending that self-help is helping me get better or I could truthfully admit to myself that this is not something that I could do alone.
I chose the latter. I set up an appointment for my first consultation, something I should have done years ago but was tooafraid to do so. I even paid for it already so I will not back out. I do not want to waste my money so I know I would be there for the consultation.
I am not actually sure what to expect yet but I will see about it soon enough so I am not going to worry too much.
Closing words
I plan to share how I set up my appointment, and how much I spent on the consultation in a different article. I will probably write it after my first consultation.
This was a difficult article to write. It actually made me emotional but I feel like I owe it to my future self to start my journey at this moment instead of letting all the problems pile up more.
If you are struggling, I hope that you too can find the courage to seek help when you finally can.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Sorry to hear you had to go through all this. You are strong, and you will overcome!