Life happens
No matter how much I want to grind here, there are things that happened which required my attention. Honestly, if I wanted to I could have done something to continuee grinding despite what is happening in my life.
The truth is that I have been in a depressive episode lately.
I am trying my best to magically snap out of it but it's life. It will pass so I am just trying to crawl the days away.
Honestly, I just want to stop taking my medication again. At least back when I was unmedicated, I have hypomanic episodes where my productivity is amazing. Unlike now that I am medicated, my energy is low most times and I feel as if a part of me was taken away from me.
Grasping at some tiny hope
The only reason why I still get out of bed was because I need to take care of the kittens. I have to clean their litterbox and feed them so I can not just stay in bed all day.
But that is what I want to do.
Even doing crochet orders is not enough to lift my mood up. Sure, I appreciate the orders but my body is so down.
I am so tired.
I wish I was not feeling this way.
I wish I could convey how tired and sad I am.
Yet I still need to move. I still have responsibilities that I can't ignore. I tried ignoring it for some days and the effects are not great.
I wish this was not the case
I wish I have a lot of energy.
I wish I am not bipolar.
I wish I could function everyday.
But these wishes are not something that I could have. So I am left here wishing and feeling frustrated with myself.
If only I had sought for help six years ago, back when the symptoms were just starting to show. Maybe my condition would not have been this worse.
If only I had taken care of myself. Maybe this would not have happened.
Still I try my best
I still wake up and get out of bed even when I do not want to. Sometimes, getting out of bed is my achievement for the day.
I wish you would understand why it is so difficult for me but then again, I wish that no one will feel such deep sadness and tiredness that I feel.
I wish this tiredness would go away with sleep, but even with 16 hours of sleep, I just could not seem to brush it off.
I envy people who just need a good night's sleep and their tiredness would be gone. I envy people who just need some food and their mood swings will be okay.
To be honest, I do not know who I am anymore. Looking at my reflection makes me feel as if I am looking at a stranger.
I no longer have any idea who I am. I feel as though I lost my sense of self the moment I tried to get better.
Isn't that such a sad thing?
I tried to get better but in return I lost sight of who I am.
I never knew that trying to be normal means cutting off a huge chunk of my identity.
Now I am just living day by day with no motivation or direction.
I tried a lot of things
I have been feeling this way for six years so of course I have done a lot of things to stop the relapse or the onset of the episodes. But still, I am feeling that maybe this is what life for me will always look like.
I feel incredibly guilty. After all, I am lucky in many aspects of my life.
I have bestfriends who love me and accept me as I am. I have a family who is trying their best to try and understand me. I have a partner who is so understanding and caring. I have the opportunity to study a good program for free. I even have a scholarship that many students wanted to have.
And yet all these good things seem nothing when my depression hugs me tight every day. The whispers that I do not deserve any good thing I have has become a symphony that I listen to everyday.
I am so tired of fighting.
I am so tired of existing.
However I have no choice except to keep moving forward. A part of me desperately wishes that in the future, I will not feel this way anymore.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Knowing you are fighting it despite the feeling of undeniable sadness is a great sign that you are coping well with it. I know the feeling is not the common sadness that we are going through. It would just hit you from nowhere without a sign. Makes you weak and tired without doing something. My bff has it too and i know how hard it is to deal with it. Wish you well my dear. Hope you'll find the best ways possible to get through it this time. Hope the current episodes ends soon.