I'm sorry, I can't keep my word
One of the things that used to make me proud of myself was that I always keep my word. No matter how the situations changed, when I promise something, I make sure I fulfill it.
Over time, I realized it was toxic. Well, it was my bestfriend who made me realize it. At first, I was in denial.
I thought that people who can not keep their word are just looking for excuses. I believed that because I had been able to keep my word all throughout those years, then people should do the same.
But my wonderful and kind bestfriend showed me another perspective. Sometimes, life just gets in the wy of promises. It does not matter what we want when we are faced with things that need to be done.
It took me awhile to understand
I wish I could say that a single conversation was enough to change my though process but that is obviously not the case.
It took me some time before I was finally able to see how harmful it is sometimes to keep my word.
Keeping my promise was the reason I stayed in a toxic relationship. It was the reason why now I have a lot of things to unlearn.
And soon, I also realized just how much toll it took on my loved ones sometimes to keep their word.
I am not saying that one should never uphold their promise because saying something with no intention of keeping it is wrong. I am just saying that as I grow older, I learned that it is not always about the promises made or words uttered. Sometimes, life happens and it gets in the way of what we want. So I have learned to live with it.
I am just sharing this
I thought about it today as I lie in bed dealing with my demons. I feel weak and worthless.
I feel embarrassed of myself for not being able to be more active after saying that I will do my best.
Does it even matter if I continue writing?
It feels like leaving this platform is the answer. I feel so lost and tired.
I wish I could go back to being my productive self again. I miss seeing replies on my articles about how cool it is that I managed to do a lot of things within a month.
Nowadays, it just feels like I am drifting. Just flowing from one day to another. They blur together most times that I find it hard to keep track of what date it even is today.
Thank you
I want to say thank you for giving me space to exist here in this virtual world. No matter how difficult it gets in reality, I feel a bit better because I have this place where my thoughts can run free.
Thank you for understanding my inbility to keep up with life. I wish I could be my high-functioning self all the time, but I must face the fact that sometimes I can get too tired.
Thank you for helping me keep my passion alive. Despite the fact that I have now lost interest in writing and the fact that as of now, J find no joy in doing it, I could still continue due to the safe haven I have here.
I promised myself that I will write everyday. And if I can not keep my romise of being more interactive, I wish for myself that I can keep writing here daily. And if I ever succumbed to my demons, I pray that I find the strength to lean on this place again.
Closing words
I have been feeling a lot of things lately. I am not even so sure if it is because of my condition or if it is a side effect of the medication I am taking. Maybe it was even both. Whatever the case may be, I am not feeling up to faking being okay.
Thank you for being so kind to me. I appreciate all the words and concern and the wishes for me to get better soon.
I hope that you are continuously blessed in your life. May you have everything you want and more.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
It's okay if you can't fulfill your promise for now. I'm sure if you are really in good condition I'm sure you can do it. For now, just don't think too much about it.