BCH saved me from going crazy
Today started out great as I still have my good mood from the surprise dat yesterday. I wad actually pretty hyper than normal which freaked out my youngest sister.
But my mood turned downhill when I realized that today is April 19, and I have yet to receive information about how my follow up with the psychiatrist from NCMH will happen. When the realization sunk in, I decided to call the contact numbers but it seemed that all lines were busy. It was just ringing for a few minutes and then the line will be cut off.
I was in a panic
By this time my mind is a mess already. I was overthinking several scenarios at once and I was having a difficult time breathing.
I tried to think logically but my mind refused to cooperate. It felt like all logic was suddenly thrown out the window and all that was left was an endless void filled with various screams and wails.
It felt like I was going crazy. To understand my reason, I will try to explain some of what I felt before and during the time I started taking the prescribed medication.
It was noisy
My mind was filled with various thoughts before I decided to get help. It was normal for me to have rapid fire thoughts goin through my mind.
Throughout the years, I started to get better at ignoring the background thoughts and focus my attention on what I should be focusing on.
However, the noise remains and I am always aware of it.
It was dark
Before taking the medication, the world around me seems so hopeless. I have some better days where I feel "normal" but most days, I was in a state fueled by loneliness and sadness.
I could not even find a reason to continue doing the things I love because, what was the point?
I felt helpless
For years, I was stuck in a cycle of feeling okay to suddenly feeling hopeless. No matter how many self-help books I finished, the relief is short-lived.
I meditated but my thoughts refuse to stay calm. I exercised and eat healthy yet my mind is still not okay.
I was still not okay. At some point, I started to think that maybe I will forever feel that way.
Until I took a different step
I finally decided that self help is not helping me that much which is why I seek professional's help using the BCH I earned from writing.
This enabled me to finally have the courage to see a professional who showed me that being honest and vulnerable can be a brave thing. And soon after I saw a psychiatrist who gave an initial diagnosis and medication.
It gets a bit better
Just on the first day of taking escitalopram, I could already feel some subtle effects. I say subtle because I could still feel majority of my symptoms but I felt like they are easier to manage.
Moreover, getting a good sleep that day is a definite plus in my book.
In the week that followed, I was mostly stuck in the usual mood I experience but a bit toned down than when I sought for help. It means that I was just back to my mostly empty and mindless self.
My mind works slower than before. But in general, I felt better in a sense.
In the second week of taking medicine, I started to have some lapses in the time I take the medication.
I usually take it at around 5-6am once I wake up and eat breakfast. After taking the medication, I would go back to sleep for a bit until I had to get up for my classes.
However, in the second week of taking medication, there were times when I would forget to take it during the early morning. And I would just take it at around 9am.
It seems like a small amount of time, but I could feel the effect it has on me. I felt disoriented and my mind is fuzzy. I was so deep in my sleep that if my sister had not woken me up, I would have missed my alarm.
Even after taking the medication, it took a few hours before I got back to my "normal" state.
It changed me
The experience I shared scared me. I have been advised to not suddenly stop taking medication because I might experience withdrawl effects which might make my symptoms worse. So the experience almost felt like a taste of what ckuld happen if I suddenly stop taking the medication now that I feel a bit "better".
Going back to the story
This is the reason why I had a panic attack today when I received no new about the follow up appointment. I getthatit is a free service so many people are using it but it was not a fun experience for me.
I only got prescribed 20 pills of escitalopram. I already took 14. If I did not have my follow up with the next 6 days, I would be forced to suddenly stop because I can not take the medication without prescription.
It took me an hour or two to clear my mind just a little. But it was enough for me to realize that I am not left without a choice.
It is because I still have BCH which already opened up a variety of options. I could book an appointment with another psychiatrist. I could look for a new clinic where I could get my medication.
That thought saved me from breaking down further. Because of that single thought, I was able to remind myself that I have other options available.
What happened next?
Well, I missed my follow up for today. So when I finally got myself together, I sent a desperate email to the private clinic I had my initial consultation at.
I asked whether I could book another appointment even though I have an upcoming appointment on April 30.
Thank the heaven that the clinic sent back a reply just an hour after my email and it was a reply that I wanted to see. I had the option to bookan appointment withtheir psychiatrist either on the 23rd or the 30th.
Of course, I chose the 23rd since my mind would probably not be able to handle two sessions in one day.
I converted a small amount of BCH to pay for the appointment. And now, my problem is averted. I will not have a chance to consult a psychiatrist regarding my condition and I will not have to face withdrawal symptoms because of a missed appointment.
Closing words
To some, it might not make sense why I had to do what I am doing. But it does not matter to me. After all, I am just tryin to get better.
And I am forever thankful that BCH opened up this option for me.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Thank goodness for BCH and that you were able to book an appointment.