Back from the dead
It has been a while since I last published an article here. Four days to be exact. I had so many topics I want to write about but then, poof, I suddenly disappeared.
I did not disappear just because I wanted to. I needed to take a mental health break and the academic works I have provided me a convenient excuse to just ignore social media for a while.
The truth is
The discontinuation symptoms I had from stopping the medication for depression, and bipolar disorder were not as mild as I wished they would be.
They were so bad to the point that I had broken a promise to myself. But I will not share what promise I had broken.
The point is that my body was fighting a battle as well as having a war with my mind. It felt like I was being torn apart in every direction.
It felt as if there were needles stuck all over my body, and there were times when it felt as if a big needle was sudfenly plunged into me. And I would have to stifle my gasp so as not to concern my parents.
They do not know that their doubts in my diagnosis is not putting my in more harm from myself. They do not see the things I hide.
And sometimes, it felt like maybe I was just the only one who will ever know my suffering.
I needed a break
I needed to stop grinding as I was losing sight what I was grinding for. I needed to recalbrate my thinking as my mind was a mess.
I can not say 100% with certainty that I am okay now. I know that I still have a long way to go before I even feel "okay". But I am managing.
I know that distractions are not so good especially when I use them to not face my emptions but right now, distractions are all I have.
The distractions I have right now are my academic works. This may seem like agood thing but I know it is a mask that I use to hide how badly I am doing on the inside.
If someone would just ask me if I am truly okay during these times, I would most likely say yes but I will remember those who saw the shift in me.
But I guess this is one perk of my impulsivity. I mostly end my relationships without second thoughts. So most likely the people eho are with me are those that I started to trust wholeheartedly.
From the outside looking in
You will never know that inside, I am a messy pile of who I was before.
I do well enough in academics. I seem to have it together. My life seems great. I have a family who tried their best to support me. I have friends who will always be there. I hve a partner who always went beyond my expectations to strengthen our relationship.
But inside of me is a void that I have never managed to fill. No matter how many hobbies I tried. No matter how may cute things I hoarded. No matter how many people I flirted. The void stays like a blackhole- sucking the life out of everything.
I hate that I am like this. My sisters are getting annoyed too, I can tell by their reactions. They are starting to think that the mental illness that I was diagmosed with is just me being dramatic.
They badly want me to act "normally". They want me to handle situations in a "normal" way.
Honestly, there is nothing in the world I want more than not having a mental illness. But I have to start accepting my reality if I want to live life to the fullest.
I might never be fit in the normal standards of society. But I could work on myself to ensure that my moods are stable most of the times.
Closing words
This is just a bit of a filler article. I will try to catch up on the days I did not publish an article. I just wanted to share some reasons why I went MIA in case anyone was wondering.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Why is your kapatid like that? They should know that pain must be cure