This is the last part of me and husband trying to be productive day last Thurs, Sept. 30.
If you still haven't read the first 2 parts, you can check it out here:
Please give us days like this - pt. 1
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We enjoyed going out and had our little date. My husband still reminds me of how, where we met and what we did whenever we pass by those places.
But we still need to go home as soon as we can because of little B. My mother and sister is taking care of her but still sometimes I there's just an uneasy and worried feeling while we were out. I know that we will spend time in Decathlon that's why I reminded Dad J that we cannot check out other stuff and just buy what we needed to buy and leave.
He actually introduced me to Decathlon. I only know that it is a sports store and thought that they sell branded and expensive items that's why I don't want to go there. But when we visited a branch nearest to our house, Masinag branch, I understood why he loves going to this place. It's like a hardware store but for sports, I mean if you are in the adulting stage you'll know what I mean. *wink*
Lez go back...
I know the feeling about the saying 'gusto mo ng time na magisa, pero kapag di mo kasama hahanap hanapin mo' (tama ba? lels) It's a different feeling for friends or other close people around you but for your own child, it hits differently.
While we were out, I refrain myself from asking my sister how little B is doing because I know that they will take good care of her. Before we go ride the LRT, I already asked how is she doing, my sister only told me that she was just crying and slept again. (Goojab tita bibim!) At the same time, I kind of want to tell Dad J if we can go to Decathlon next time so we can go home already but at the same time, I also want him not to feel rushed so he can also enjoy his days here. There are only a few Decathlon outlets in the Ph and going there eases his mind (kahit window shopping). I was torn between relax time with hubby and going home so he can spend time more time with little B. (He'll agree if I told him not to go to Decathlon and go home straight).
After buying the things that we need, we immediately went home. We were out in a public area so we needed to take a bath before we can touch and carry little B. With my boobs almost about to pop out with milk, I took a bath first. I was thinking of nursing her the very first thing after I took a bath however, she just fed. I pumped instead. I was happy that I was able to pump more than 200ml of milk.
Now here's the SORRY part...
My mother and sister told us what happened while we were away. The little was crying most of the time before she took naps. Quite uneasy maybe because she noticed that mommy and daddy wasn't at home. She wasn't able to go to sleep, she might be looking for us. My parents and Tita Bibim did everything they can to put her to sleep. She slept for more than an hour with Tita Bibim carrying her, after that she can't go back to sleep again. Tita Bibim, Naynay and Taytay carried her but still a no go. She still continued to cry. Naynay saw my sando on our bed that I wore before we left, she put it on Taytay's shoulders so little B can smell my scent. Right after that, she was able to go to sleep well.
Hearing that, I felt guilty.
I felt guilty that we took a long time. I felt guilty that I wanted to have an alone time with Dad J. I felt guilty that we needed to leave her for quite a while. I felt guilty that we enjoyed for a bit without her. I felt guilty thinking not to be a mommy for a few hours. I felt guilty, mommy felt guilty. I am sorry little B.
Is this mom's guilt? Is this the consequence of leaving her? Am I not allowed to have a mommy and daddy time? Am I not allowed to have me time? Am I a selfish mother for just thinking that? Am I a bad mother?
Those questions were running in my head while I was pumping my milk. While looking at her and her seeing here eyes so red from crying. The only thing I can console myself is to think that I missed her. That I'm/we are not the kind of mother/parents who doesn't want to be with our baby. That it wasn't our intention to leave her. I know that nagtampo sya because we left. Of course, we'll make it to her.
That night, my heart fell in love with my husband more. He always dances with little B whenever he's home.
Maybe Dad J isn't thinking about how much time and days that he will stay here because he wants to enjoy our time, not thinking about work and other things. This is his a little refresher from work after a month and of course, he missed Little B too.
Me, being an overthinker, always keeps track on the time and days. I wanted to do more, we wanted to do more things with him, I wish we can still have more time. I keep thinking that this is just only for the meantime, it's not gonna be like this forever. The three of us will be together soon, specially right after this pandemic.
I know how hard it is for Dad J to be away with little B. Me being already guilty just by leaving for a few hours, how about Dad J? How about other people whose both parents needed to work? I was one of the people who wanted to work after giving birth. I still want to but I wanted to take care of her more now. It was my husband who insisted that I should take care of little B personally while we still have a chance to do so. While we still have budget for our family, and I am very very grateful for that. We are still lucky in so many ways to have our family.
I wasn't able to publish this yesterday because we spent the whole day with my family. He just left and to avoid being emotional, I finished this article instead.
***Keep sharing your experiences, keep motivating, keep inspiring. ***
Sharing my other articles too!
DIY NCR-Plus-One-Happy-Kaarawan-Pro-Max Wedding
15-min rush: Monthsary o Milestone?
A day in a mom's life (a quarter day)
I believe in perfect timing. A pregnancy experience.
Just when you thought it's over, it's not. It was just the beginning
Lead image from Unsplash
pictures used in this article are mine.
Me too sis, I am an overthinker these days. Ewan ko ba pero marami akong gustong gawin kaso wala na akong oras