Yes, this is the third part of my initial motherhood journey. Just when you thought that the journey ends after giving birth, you got it all wrong. It was just the start.

And now, let's continue the story.

Hospitalization.

As mentioned on my previous blog, that was my first operation. Like any other Filipino kid, my sisters and I were raised as not used to doctors and hospitals. Yes, Jokoy (the comedian is correct, Filipino moms used to cure everything by Vicks Vapor Rub). Well I think the reason for that is because most moms do the budgeting at home and not all people can afford to visit a doctor.

Going back ..

I don't like hospitals. I don't like the smell in the hospital. I feel like I'm going to die when I am in the hospital and the food doesn't taste good.

I was confined for only 2 days, from the night of May 17 and I was discharged May 19 in the afternoon. I didn't like to stay longer in the hospital. First of all, my husband wasn't beside me because he is working in the province. I told him to come home to me when I already gave birth because the hospital only allow 2 people, the patient and a companion with an RT-PCR negative test result.

Day 1

My sister @mgrshgian was my companion and this was her first time carrying a literally newborn baby.

So both of us were tired and sleep deprived so we have to take turns to sleep. My sister changed her clothes, diapers and let her burp after feeding. I need to feed her every 2-3 hours and I can only do that lying down because of my incision. I thought, I need to recover quickly. I asked her to sleep as much as she can specially while I'm feeding my baby. Basically, my sister took care of us. Thank you bati!!!!

Day 2

I was able to sit down as they already removed my catheter I can already eat soft food. I needed to force myself to walk so I can say that I can recover as quickly as possible.

I was able to stand and walk but the struggle is going to the bathroom. Since I had a C-section, I have a binder on my tummy which made it hard to pee and take a sh*+. I cannot remove my diapers the first time and needed my sister's help. However, she was taking care of the baby. I have to force myself somehow, so she can only take care of the baby and I can at least take care of myself. It was hard and I was worried about my sister too.

I am having a hard time remembering the time and day

Good thing that I was able to fart (so many times) and was able to walk that quick. I wanted to recover as soon as possible because I want to get out of the hospital right away. I wanted to see my husband and let him see his beautiful daughter, and to let my sister rest too.

Some time in the afternoon, the doctor visited and told me that we can be discharged the next day because I seem fine already. Didn't have any complications, same goes with the baby.

As soon as we got the discharge papers my husband came as quickly as possible so we can be discharged. He paid the bill and then we went home.

**Let me just thank my kind sponsors, who's very supportive and awesome! Check them out!

You can also go back and check out my 2nd blog about my birthing experience. https://read.cash/@Micontingsabit/little-beebee-goes-live-93f2cfdf

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Breakdowns

The forever challenge begins.

For the first few days and weeks, was hard for me because most of the time I can only feed my baby. I needed assistance in almost everything I do. Standing up, sitting down, getting out of bed, going to the bathroom, cleaning my incision. That made me feel crippled and useless.

There was one day that I almost breakdown or I did breakdown. I don't know how to tell the whole story. Someone was welding racks and steel table in our house so it noisy. They needed to put the steel table inside our house. I needed to pee, so I went to the bathroom. After I peed, I reached for the feminine wash behind me but it fell. Yes, I had a binder on my tummy and I cannot reach the feminine wash on the floor. All Cs moms know this, it's hard to shout, raise your voice or even laugh due to the incision. Good thing that I didn't lock the door but I can't reach it and I didn't bring my phone with me. That's where the breakdown started.

No one can hear me, no one knows. No one knows that I need help, I can't cry for help. Suddenly I started crying, still trying to reach the feminine wash on the floor. After a few minutes of trying to call someone, they still can't hear me. I reached out to the dipper close to me and threw it at the door. Still no one heard. I was already shouting to my lungs, I didn't care if my incision hurts. Still, no one heard me. I threw all the things that I can grab near me and shouted at the same time. Garbage can, boxes of soap, shampoo bottles, everything that I can reach. After several tries, my mother heard a noise coming from the bathroom. When she opened the door I was crying so hard.

I am thankful to my mother, don't get me wrong, she found me but I think she got shocked that I was crying so hard for help. She even scolded me that I should've had told them that I'm going to the bathroom, that I should've brought my phone with me. (This is a defense mechanism that I hate, to blame the victim for an accident).

Anyways, my husband was shocked too. He didn't know what to do because it's his first time to see my cry like that. I just held his hand and hugged him while I was crying. I just needed him.

Crying as a form of communication.

Yes, that's the only form of communication they have until they learn to speak. Some people get irritated when they hear a baby cry. Well for me, I get to worry, specially if it's my baby.

Baby cries for no reason. It's not that the baby cries for no reason. But they cannot talk yet, we have to guess. We have to guess what's wrong or what they need.

There was one night that I don't know what's wrong with her. Good thing that my other sister @melsiebelsie constantly reminds me that babies may also cry for no reason due to growth spurt.

By the way, I am an impatient person sometimes. Hearing constant crying makes my head hurt but there's always an exception. This is my kid now, I have to be super duper extra patient. Which is quite a challenge for me as well.

Frustrations.

I am an active person. I don't like being still except for taking rests. Usually, I do things that I want, I go where I want to go, etc. Being a mom limits your actions. You cannot do all the things that you're supposed to do. Your body is not your own anymore. Even frustrations, you can't be frustrated because it will affect your body and if there's something negative within a mother's system (especially for breastfeeding moms) it can affect your milk supply, your baby's main source of food.

Back pain.

By the way, I do have mild scoliosis. Back pain is my everyday concern. Having a C-section worsened it all. My baby, was born with the weight of 3kg and I am a breastfeeding mom. Weeks goes by my baby is gaining weight. That's a good sign, it means she's feeding enough and I have enough supply. However, it is not a good sign for my back. The more she gains weight, the more I will experience back pain and might worsen my condition.

My doctor prescribed a pain reliever, well for my incision, but it also helped for my back. They mentioned that I only needed to take the pain reliever if I can feel any pain. In my case, it was an everyday back pain. I took it just for a week or two. I didn't want to rely on the meds.

Going back, as she grows the pain is getting worse. It hurts whenever I shift or change position or posture. This irritated me. If you read my birthing experience blog, I mentioned that when the doctors are closing me up I repeatedly said that my back hurts and I wanted to move to a much comfortable position but I can't. I just clenched my fists and endured the pain.

I tend to be so hot headed whenever I feel the pain on my back. I don't want my irritability to affect my baby. I don't want to be that kind of mother, good thing I was able to work it out by bottle feeding my breastmilk instead. (Pump milk and bottle-feed) This may save my back at least from hurting and I can get more playtime with her.

Work and money

I had to stop working. When I got pregnant, why husband told me to not look for work and told me to just take care of myself. In my mind, that's okay if my pregnancy is very very sensitive just like my sister's but I didn't. I am lucky that my pregnancy wasn't sensitive at all. I am also lucky to have a husband that just wants to make sure that I am okay and the baby will be okay no matter what.

I agreed but my main fear is having no income for myself, for my family. I also consider work as an escape to family issues, like another world of mine. I know that it may sound selfish but I am not used to asking gifts or money from my partner.

And lastly,

Constant worry to be a good mother.

I was the 'BAHALA NA' type of person. I didn't care what tomorrow will bring as long as I am fine and the people around me. I didn't care about life at all. I was ready to be whatever happens. Being a mother changed it all.

I had to worry about everyone around me. I have to worry if I am providing enough food for my baby. If I am giving the enough attention that she needs. If I am doing okay bather her or when I dress her up. I worry what type of mother I will be when she grows up.

I'm scared not for her but for what kind of mother I will be.

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Just when you thought that carrying a human being for 9months in your womb, is hard. Wait 'till that little human being is out. It's just the start of something else. I discovered a part of myself that I didn't even imagine. It's a new journey, a new life for me.

Just like what the title of this blog says, 'Just when you thought it's over, it's not. It was just the beginning).