The void gets darker
The only thing I wanted in life was happiness. Not the happiness that I have known- fragile. But a happiness that will last. A happiness not surrounded by sadness.
I wish happiness is as easy as happy people make it seem. Just to be happy, they said.
But I have been choosing to be happy every day for years now and yet, here I am. I am still stuck in a void.
The poet that I was once was no more. I got so lost that a big part of is already laid to rest.
I feel like an empty shell. I feel like who am I was already buried with the selves I had long forgotten how to be.
I am just a container with no soul.
I tried my best. I am still trying. I am now reaching out for help.
And yet the void just gets darker each day.
My psychologist told me I am not broken. But I never told her that I think of that.
I am not broken. I am just empty. There is not a drop left of who I had thought I could be or even the person that people thought I am right now.
I am just existing.
I wish I could live up to the image I created online. To be the person who is creative and has lot if energy to make something during her free time.
I wish I could be anyone but myself. Or maybe, I just wish I stop feeling this pain.
I am tired of living with the weight of my past dragging me down. I am tired of shedding tears when I remember a chapter of my life that no one knew about until I started psychotherapy.
My psychologist told me that what I want to achieve is not gonna happen overnight. I can not ivercome my trauma and build better coping mechanism in just 24 hours.
But I wish I could.
I wish there is something that can be done to make me instantly better.
How unfair the world is that someone who suffered are told to forgive the one who caused them pain, all the while the victim has to relive their memories everyday?
I wish I could forget. I wish I never experienced it. I wish I made a different choice.
So many wishes but can be simplified into, I wish I could turn back time. But I know I can not do that.
Here I am. The void in me gets darker and larger. It slowly devours any sense of self I have left.
I am no longer afraid.
I am just so tired.
No emotions shown. I have been told that before. My face do not show much emotions, unless they are anger or frustration.
I have been so used internalizin my struggles that even when I begged people to believe I need help, they look at me and tell me I look "okay".
If I am okay, then why does it feel like I am being ripped apart from the inside everyday? Why do I feel like there is a hole where my heart should be? Why do I hear noises no one else can hear?
I wish that I could snap my finger and just disappear. Disappearing is more preferable than living in this state.
I am just so tired. I tried so hard. But I am done. I did my best. It should have been enough, but it was not.
But I had enough. I am tired already. I do not want to do this anymore.
I will not even care about hearing that it gets better. I am tired of waiting for it ti get better for a while then the situation becomes worse that it was before.
Maybe I need to change my mindset. I am doing that already. I have changed the way I think for years and years and yet the void stays.
The only time I forgot about it was when I was taking medication. So even if my parents are against it, I want to get more medications.
I do not care abiut the side effects, J just want to have stable moods. I do not want to be angry or sad all the time. I do not want this embarassing happiness of thinking everyrhing is funny even when it is not.
I am tired of myself. Tired of my moods. Tired of who I am.
I just want to be able to appreciate what I have without thinking that I do not deserve it.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Hello @ZehraSky, thanks for having the courage to share this one to us. Continue writing kung feel mo masyado nang mabigat. Sa simpleng bagay na ginagawa mo, nailalabas mo yung burden na dala-dala mo. Dito lang kami to listen