It is a process
These days, I have been too hard on myself. Instead of acknowledging the strength it took to get professional help, I am bringing myself down for even needing it.
A part of me feels as if I am weak to have these problems. A fragile little thing that will break with one wrong move.
Even though my family tries to hide it, I can see it bothers them. They have been trying to be understanding but I could see they are not understanding what is going on with me.
It shows in their actions and questions
"Are you feeling normal yet? "
"When will you stop taking the medication? "
Such simple questions that I find so hard to answer. I am not feeling normal, I do not know if I will ever go back to what is considered normal. It is not like I want to be like these too.
I hope they know that I spent years trying to fix myself before I had enough. I just want to feel better too but it is not as easy as taking a pill and everything goes away overnight.
The medication helps but I can already feel that the doctor might increase the dosage since I am still struggling. I hope I can say that taking the medication makes me feel normal but I do not feel that way. Not yet anyway.
Most of the times, I just get a burst of energy to get through doing the essential things to keep myself and my pets alive and then I have no energy left. Not that I am complaining, the burst of energy is better than none at all.
I needed the reminder
Last time, I told my partner bout my worries. I shared about my fears of the medication not bein right for me and how I do not want to jump from one medication to another until I find the right one.
I opened up about how I just want to feel okay. And how difficult it is to even function normally.
I had these worries after a few times of my mind being slow to process things. I am so used to having so many thoughts at once and understanding things quite easily that when my mind slowed down for a bit, I feel so lost.
I told my partner that I just want to not have to go through this anymore. And he reminded me it is a process. I knew that but I needed a reminder sometimes.
It is not linear
The path to healing is always depicted as this sort of upward trend. Where you went from 0 to 100 with no stop or pause.
However, as I am finding out firsthand, it is not the case. The path to healing is filled with challenges as well. Sometimes, it is even tempting to just go back to ignoring the problems I have.
Although honestly, I am afraid of what I will have to face when I do stop taking my medication. I do not want to feel the same intense symptoms I have been living for years already.
I am so afraid but I know this is the best way to get better. I wish things could speed up so I can get better faster but we all know life works on its time.
I wish this was easier
I wish I could explain it to my family. I wish they would stop pretending that I am still normal.
I wish I could stop feeling shame from my diagnosis. I wish I could stop feeling afraid of what other family members might think when they go here on vacation and learn of what is happening to me.
I wish I do not have to prove to myself that I am unwell because being high-function most of the time almost feels like I am all just imagining things in my head. But I also wish to stay high-functioning because being low-functioning will put my scholarship at risk.
I wish getting better is easier. But I have to be gentle with myself. I doing my best and for now, it is more than enough.
In the future, I hope future-me will look back on this moment and be thankful that I took this first step now instead of putting it off. I hope in the future, I could live without feeling like there is always a war waging in my own mind.
Closing words
I am trying to get back into my rhythm of publishing articles that are not so personal. But for now, I need to release these thoughts I have.
Maybe receiving my stipend will give me some needed motivation. I am not sure how long it will take me to get back to my usual routine.
All I know is that I am trying my best everyday even if my best for the day is just getting out of bed.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
I'll pray po na sana malagpasan mona iyan ng sa ganon eh dika na po nakakaramdam ng mga ganyan .... That's good po na andyan lagi si partner para iremind ka .sometimes kasi nalalamon na tayo ng kung ano mang pagsubok na meron tayo.