I've been procrastinating since Thursday because of this unwanted visitor of mine and I am hating it so much because aside from my laziness, I am also moody and very emotional like in just a small things I will cry - maybe I'm being like this too because - I will just keep it to myself, lol. Like seriously, I really really want to be as productive as I am before but my mood just can't cooperate. I feel like doing just anything and most of them are really nonsense. Like I just want to lie on my bed and do nothing. I'm sure most of you here has this episode in life where you just want to be a thing - unmoving and lifeless. Empty mind like you are just a barbie doll on the corner.
I can't name this feeling I have right now because even me can't understand myself and I am hating myself now for being born as a woman. You know, ever since like I was in my Elementary Days I am so jealous with my boy classmates because they have this things in their body that I don't have. And I want to have it too, like when I saw my classmate has a baby moustache I am so jealous that when I get home I get my Pops blade and started shaving my super flimsy baby hair above my upper lip. Another is when I saw them having a very thick hair in their legs, I got jealous also and that's what I'm still regretting until now. Because of stupidity in shaving it, I have this thick hair on my legs now, tsk.
But I'm still young back then so I didn't really think much of the consequence of what I did, never really occur to me that I will regret it later, lol. But I become more jealous to those boys because they have this things that is so cool in my eyes that I'm secretly wishing to be just a boy too. And when I first had my period at Grade 6, that's where I really really wish, as in I always whisper to myself that I really want to be a boy. I hate this thing that we have to put on our private parts. It's uncomfortable and very yucky. I hate having a monthly period that I wished swapping gender is allowed. If only it's allowed, if only we are living in a fantasy world where we can wish for our private parts to be change lol.
I don't want to get a cramps any more because I sleep in two position only. My face to the right or to the left. I can't even lie on my bed comfortably because I'm afraid I'll get a leak and that's what I hate the most. And so I have no choice but to sleep in two position. You know that feeling that you really want to lay down in the bed, face in the ceiling just so I can ease the cramps I feel in my legs - but I can't coz of this fvcking red tide arghhh! I just want to be a poop, pronto! Having a cramps is no joke coz It really makes me feel weak - I don't know I just feel like that. And you know, every Month my wish is to be a man as I really hate having a period but where to wish that right. Who's genie I should look into and How to summon them? Lol.
See, I'm being crazy right now because of this red tide. But what I like about me is that even if I'm in red tide I don't lost my appetite. I mean, I can feel that I don't want to really eat but once my mouth touch any foods that we have in our table I will still eat because why not I really love to eat lol. So even if dysmenorrhea ia trying so hard to make me feel weak and in pain - it will never stop me from eatinf what I want to eat. But really, I still wish I was born as a man. I want to be a man. I want to be a man. I want to be a man. Whoever Genie can read this. Please make this crazy woman grant her wish. Avisala Eshma!
Sorry for the nonsense article guys, I feel like the need to release what's on my mind right now as I am having a bad day today - no! It all started since Thursday. Arghh! Still thank you for reading until here. And because if that sana mahalin kana ng sinisinta mo. Ciao.
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October 24, 2021
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Ang hirap kapag red tide kawawa naman si jowa sa sobrang pagka moody ko hahaha