Realization: In the end, The only person that you can rely on is yourself

I always write about me helping my Family when they are in needs right? I don't like to be immature while writing this but I just want to voice out all of my thoughts by just writing them. Because I couldn't voice out and of I am not good to tell my emotions and feelings to other people in personal.

Honestly, I am not Okay. I have this kind of feeling when I am helping, they don't appreciate it. That's why I don't like to giving or helping because they make you feel like you give but it's not enough and they are still treat you like the same.

I don't voice out my emotions. But this time I can't stop my feelings anymore. You know I don't tell or hindi ko sinusumbat yung mga bagay na tinutulong ko sakanila. Because I willingly give, and I am not expecting for a exchange. Even if I am the one who buy the food, I am already satisfied to the one bite or one piece of the meat, that I am okay even if I just eat a single foods because I want them to be full and healthy.

You know that everyday, I don't missed a single day to do Grind so that I have a money for us, So that I can accumulate more BCH and can able to convert it into fiat again for us in the next month when it pumps again to $700 or more.

I do that for us. Not just only for myself but so that I can able to help here in the house for the things that we need. Yet, they don't understand that I am busy. That they think that after you write, you can gain some money already. That it was a easy money but you already know that it is not a easy money earning here.

A while ago, I have a writers block. I don't know what to write so I become busy thinking and typing, I have this kind of write, erase, then repeat. Since I always busy I can't wash my clothes using my hands in a time that other normal people do. I need to use washing machine, I don't solo the washing machine because I want to save electric bill. This is my first time that I am lazy to do the things, working at the house because I am feeling down just like what I said, in the past few days I am living in hell because I realize that They are still expecting more to me.

While I am busy here to save more, they still depend to me wants me to do this and that, like they don't care if you are busy or what you are doing as long as they order you to do the things that they want. But, The life is so unfair you know? You know the feeling that you are the one who helps yet you are still called as a lazy one. You are the one who will still blamed to this and that, you can still hear some words instead of the people who did not anything but to sit, to lay, to spend their time in nonsense things.

And you know what is worst? My Grandma still expect me to be like my Friends, and or like my Cousin. Last morning (I don't remember if what is that day), I woke up early so that I can clean our surrounding like front of the house and inside the house since no one can do that that is what I always do before sitting and writing and publishing some of my articles here, and reading yours. I'm sipping my coffee when my grandma sit on the chair in front of me. She started a conversation until our topic is about studying, she ask me if what year is my former classmates now, if what are their course, and she also mentioned about my Cousin who are now a college students then she ask me, "How about you?" at that moment, I know if what is the meaning of question but I remain positive and answered, "I still need help Mama to build our house using my earnings. I don't think I still need to study 'la." and she have this look that dissapointed.

Now, Like what I said, a while ago I am writing and I am lazy to work because my mind can't cooperate because of the heavy feelings that I feel for a long now. Plus I did not sleep well last night because of my depression attack again so obviously, I sleep around 2:51 am in the morning again (I hope that ate ropa will not spank my butt when she read this) so I can't think properly right now.

After I eat my breakfast, I saw my sister preparing to wash their clothes except for my clothes. I told her to wash my clothes (don't get me wrong, this is just my first time in a year that I did order others to wash my clothes) because I am busy here but at first she did not want to but at the end I convinced her.

Then after a Hours, my younger cousin gives me my wet clothes in the basket. I am surprised because why they haven't hung it up yet. My clothes are not so many and it was just a little yet they don't consider to hung it? When I go out I am pissed but I did not uther a single words, they did not consider to hung it and then they even not even left a hanger knowing that the weather is not nice and will rain again. Seriously, In just a single needs of mine they can't even consider to help me and that is what I always noticed for everyday, every minute, every second that my feelings are not important to them yet I still manage to smile and think that it's okay but I can't escape to the feeling and mindset that If for other people, they are special that they are important. While me? I don't have one and I need to stand on my own.

Take note that this is just the first time that I ordered someone, that I can rely to others because I am down right now, my body is weak that can't get up and I am lazy to do the things that I used to do.

What I am doing here is not even important to them. The reason why I can't read a lot of articles and can't do the commenting due to they always have a non-stop order to me at home before about my Uncle and Aunts Covid situation. When my Grandpa ask me where I am why I did not help to hung some clothes earlier I said that I am writing and my sister said, "That's all what you always do." and that is the moment that I cried because i already pissed and mad that I shout some hurtful words to her. I said,

"You don't know how to be grateful! I give you $20 usd allowance because of this! I spend my whole time until I become blind by reading and makes my head hurt just so I can able to help our Mom to build our own house and help our family right now to our needs! I even teach you how this platform works so that you can also can save some for your future. Yet you can still say, 'This is what I always doing?'"

I can't remember when is the last time that I heared them saying, 'Thank you.' instead they still tell some words and look to my mistakes than to what I always do for them.

I am hurt...I want some hug..I don't know what to do anymore that I can't even breath right now because I am crying while saying this to you. Because I don't have someone here by my side all I can do is to cry all my pain.

The End of my thoughts...

Sorry for this, I know this article will makes you think that I am toxic, that I am Looking for sympathy but do you think it was bad to do this? I just want someone to talk to about my life, my thoughts. I am still grateful though because dispite of what I always hear, experience, my feelings is still remain strong. I already get used to this kind of situation everyday yet I still can't stop to feel hurt because of it.

Plus, I have you. I know that I still have a lot of people here that can understand me, that can support me, that they want me, and they appreciate me that's why you are all my Family.

Thanks for reading my nonsense! I'm sorry if i can't read all of your articles to my notification, I am not feeling well right now. But I will try my best to read them all. Keep safe!

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