Realization: In the end, The only person that you can rely on is yourself

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2 years ago

I always write about me helping my Family when they are in needs right? I don't like to be immature while writing this but I just want to voice out all of my thoughts by just writing them. Because I couldn't voice out and of I am not good to tell my emotions and feelings to other people in personal.

Honestly, I am not Okay. I have this kind of feeling when I am helping, they don't appreciate it. That's why I don't like to giving or helping because they make you feel like you give but it's not enough and they are still treat you like the same.

I don't voice out my emotions. But this time I can't stop my feelings anymore. You know I don't tell or hindi ko sinusumbat yung mga bagay na tinutulong ko sakanila. Because I willingly give, and I am not expecting for a exchange. Even if I am the one who buy the food, I am already satisfied to the one bite or one piece of the meat, that I am okay even if I just eat a single foods because I want them to be full and healthy.

You know that everyday, I don't missed a single day to do Grind so that I have a money for us, So that I can accumulate more BCH and can able to convert it into fiat again for us in the next month when it pumps again to $700 or more.

I do that for us. Not just only for myself but so that I can able to help here in the house for the things that we need. Yet, they don't understand that I am busy. That they think that after you write, you can gain some money already. That it was a easy money but you already know that it is not a easy money earning here.

A while ago, I have a writers block. I don't know what to write so I become busy thinking and typing, I have this kind of write, erase, then repeat. Since I always busy I can't wash my clothes using my hands in a time that other normal people do. I need to use washing machine, I don't solo the washing machine because I want to save electric bill. This is my first time that I am lazy to do the things, working at the house because I am feeling down just like what I said, in the past few days I am living in hell because I realize that They are still expecting more to me.

While I am busy here to save more, they still depend to me wants me to do this and that, like they don't care if you are busy or what you are doing as long as they order you to do the things that they want. But, The life is so unfair you know? You know the feeling that you are the one who helps yet you are still called as a lazy one. You are the one who will still blamed to this and that, you can still hear some words instead of the people who did not anything but to sit, to lay, to spend their time in nonsense things.

And you know what is worst? My Grandma still expect me to be like my Friends, and or like my Cousin. Last morning (I don't remember if what is that day), I woke up early so that I can clean our surrounding like front of the house and inside the house since no one can do that that is what I always do before sitting and writing and publishing some of my articles here, and reading yours. I'm sipping my coffee when my grandma sit on the chair in front of me. She started a conversation until our topic is about studying, she ask me if what year is my former classmates now, if what are their course, and she also mentioned about my Cousin who are now a college students then she ask me, "How about you?" at that moment, I know if what is the meaning of question but I remain positive and answered, "I still need help Mama to build our house using my earnings. I don't think I still need to study 'la." and she have this look that dissapointed.

Now, Like what I said, a while ago I am writing and I am lazy to work because my mind can't cooperate because of the heavy feelings that I feel for a long now. Plus I did not sleep well last night because of my depression attack again so obviously, I sleep around 2:51 am in the morning again (I hope that ate ropa will not spank my butt when she read this) so I can't think properly right now.

After I eat my breakfast, I saw my sister preparing to wash their clothes except for my clothes. I told her to wash my clothes (don't get me wrong, this is just my first time in a year that I did order others to wash my clothes) because I am busy here but at first she did not want to but at the end I convinced her.

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Then after a Hours, my younger cousin gives me my wet clothes in the basket. I am surprised because why they haven't hung it up yet. My clothes are not so many and it was just a little yet they don't consider to hung it? When I go out I am pissed but I did not uther a single words, they did not consider to hung it and then they even not even left a hanger knowing that the weather is not nice and will rain again. Seriously, In just a single needs of mine they can't even consider to help me and that is what I always noticed for everyday, every minute, every second that my feelings are not important to them yet I still manage to smile and think that it's okay but I can't escape to the feeling and mindset that If for other people, they are special that they are important. While me? I don't have one and I need to stand on my own.

Take note that this is just the first time that I ordered someone, that I can rely to others because I am down right now, my body is weak that can't get up and I am lazy to do the things that I used to do.

What I am doing here is not even important to them. The reason why I can't read a lot of articles and can't do the commenting due to they always have a non-stop order to me at home before about my Uncle and Aunts Covid situation. When my Grandpa ask me where I am why I did not help to hung some clothes earlier I said that I am writing and my sister said, "That's all what you always do." and that is the moment that I cried because i already pissed and mad that I shout some hurtful words to her. I said,

"You don't know how to be grateful! I give you $20 usd allowance because of this! I spend my whole time until I become blind by reading and makes my head hurt just so I can able to help our Mom to build our own house and help our family right now to our needs! I even teach you how this platform works so that you can also can save some for your future. Yet you can still say, 'This is what I always doing?'"

I can't remember when is the last time that I heared them saying, 'Thank you.' instead they still tell some words and look to my mistakes than to what I always do for them.

I am hurt...I want some hug..I don't know what to do anymore that I can't even breath right now because I am crying while saying this to you. Because I don't have someone here by my side all I can do is to cry all my pain.

The End of my thoughts...

Sorry for this, I know this article will makes you think that I am toxic, that I am Looking for sympathy but do you think it was bad to do this? I just want someone to talk to about my life, my thoughts. I am still grateful though because dispite of what I always hear, experience, my feelings is still remain strong. I already get used to this kind of situation everyday yet I still can't stop to feel hurt because of it.

Plus, I have you. I know that I still have a lot of people here that can understand me, that can support me, that they want me, and they appreciate me that's why you are all my Family.

Thanks for reading my nonsense! I'm sorry if i can't read all of your articles to my notification, I am not feeling well right now. But I will try my best to read them all. Keep safe!


My Previous Articles:

A note for the newbie Writers: Never tend to expect immediately

Vaccine: You still have a chance to be infected by the Virus

Why you hate k-pop if you don't understand them?

When you invite your sibling in both platform where you earned

Can I make a payment using my Bitcoin cash?

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2 years ago

Comments

Hirap nga tlaga ng ganysng kslagayan..minsan aabot pa ysn mg depression..pero mas mabuti yan khit papano dito na express mo...Kahit gnu mn kahirap ng pinagdaan go on lng makakaya mu yan

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2 years ago

Sa true. Nakakaranas din ako ng depression pero pilit akong lumalaban 🤧 mabuti nga nailabas ko po dito eh. Kapag hindi baka diko alam gagawin ko baka mabaliw na ako

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2 years ago

Hirap tlaga nyan lalo na pg wla kang masabihan .I've been there but by God's grace medyo ok na ako ngayon...God bless po...

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2 years ago

Minsan may mga naiisip at nararamdaman din ako na ganito. Ang bigat hano? 'Yung ilang taon ka pa lang pero feeling mo grabe na 'yung pasan mo. Buti na lang super appreciative nila Mama. Well, minsan naiinis lang ako kay Papa kapag may supplies kami na sige lang nang sige. Tapos kapag ubos na is parang obligasyon ko na na punan na naman 'yun. Nakakapagod pero nasasanay na ako. Nasasanay na ako pero nakakapagod pa din pala kahit papaano. Pero paano ka pa kaya? 'Di sa ano, be ah. Pero may mga kapamilya talaga tayo na mahal lang tayo kapag may maipo-provide tayo. 'Yung kapag nasimulan mo na na magbigay is para bang dapat na tuloy=tuloy na 'yung ganun.

Pero 'yaan mo na, mare. Wala naman tayong magagawa eh, kasi sila dapat ang mag-make ng move para sa ikagaganda ng lahat. Ngiti ka naaa! :)

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2 years ago

Kaya nga mareng narealize ko na din iyan yung kapag meron tayo eh tsaka lang tayo nila mapapansin 🤧 ubos na ubos na pasensya ko na halos mas pinipili ko nalang talaga manahimik hays. Tama ka, wala naman tayo magagawa di naman natin dila mapleplease mas magfofocus nalang siguro ako sa sarili ko.

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2 years ago

Kaya dapat may itinatabi din tayo for ourselves. Buti na lang talaga mga kapatid lang ni Mama ang ganiyan at 'di 'yung family talaga namin.

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2 years ago

Sa true. Kaso ako may goal kasi talaga ako mare kaya wala natitira sakin. Haha tsaka na siguro kapag nakapag patayo na ako, sarili ko naman ang aatupagin ko.

Hays buti pa yung single na tita mo eh mabait at matulungin

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2 years ago

Ay true, kung pwede lang na s'ya na lang naging kapatid ni Mama eh. Haha

Ako naman nagsi-save na din ako paunti-unti para sa goals ko. Kasi di'ba goal ko na makabili ng lupa before akong gumraduate. Na sana magkatotoo. Hihi

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2 years ago

Ayan mareng sana matupad mga goals nating dalawa 🤧💚 Para sa pamilya natin gagawin natin ang lahat.

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2 years ago

Para sa mga pangarap at sa mas magandang future. In God's perfect time, mareee. <3

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2 years ago

thank you for your thinking of family

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2 years ago

Nakoo mare wag kang mag isip ng ganyan . Minsan talaga ganyan ako din nararansan ko yan masakit man pero hinahayaan ko nalang. Kaya wag kana malungkot 😊 mawawala Beauty mo niyan sige ka hehe

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2 years ago

Wala na nga akong beauty stress na stress na ako aba😭 wala din akong tulog kanina.

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2 years ago

Good thing you have Read Cash mare. May mapaglalabasan ng nararamdaman mo. And hindi to toxic mare, valid yung feelings mo. At may mga times talaga na kahit anong gawin mo di nila makikita yung worth mo. But as you've said, you still have yourself. Hold on in it mare. Kaya mo yan. Figthing. 💗

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2 years ago

Kaya nga buti nalang talaga may read. Ito nalang talag bestfriend ko kapag may gusto akong ilabas. Hays. 🤧 tsaka meron din kayong nagpapalakas ng loob ko. Salamat mareng 😭💚

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2 years ago

Laban lang mare. Always know na you are worth it. 💗 Labas mo lang lahat para di masakit masyado.

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2 years ago

Ang saya makabasa ng ganto. Nirest ko utak ko kahapon mare nakatulog ako ng maaga kaya di na ako nakabasa maayos ng comments. Salamat mareng gumaan nga pakiramdam ko kahapon nung naglabas ako dito 🤧

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2 years ago

Yan tama yan mare, itulog mo. Irest mo. Wag magpakapagod masyado. You are welcome mare. 💗 Tuloy ang laban.

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2 years ago

I don't think this is nonsense and you re toxic .. Don't be sad .wish this all be solved . they will understand. keep patience.

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2 years ago

Thank you. I hope i can be better after I wake up again later. 🤧 I fall asleep because of the heavy weight that I am carrying to day.

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2 years ago

I also hope you feel better

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2 years ago

My family is my world and the reason for my existence as it is normal said that charity begins from home I don't know about others

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2 years ago

No you're not toxic. Every one has their limit and break point. They got to yours that's why. It's okay to let out some pent up anger and frustration, i can understand how bad one feels when it seems your effort isn't being appreciated. I do. I hope they change after hearing you speak up .

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2 years ago

I hope so too that if I will speak and let me voice out those thoughts to them in person they will hear me. They will understand me. And they will listen to what I feel but i bet they will just let those be on side.

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2 years ago

I'm actualy crying reading your post because this was the lesson I needed when I was young and made stupid choice of putting others ahead of my own happiness, by the time I learned that I'm my own priority, I have already lost so much... you make me feel like I'm not alone, Thank you!!

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2 years ago

Me too. I put some efforts to other people than being prioritize my own hapiness and all. Maybe, i need to learn how to be selfish even in a little. 🤧

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2 years ago

You can't please everyone and even your own family will think of that but be patient and let those negatives just be subjected to the furnace of ignoring. Of course it's not that easy to write thought with the kind of environment that like killing you to the fullest, but indeed you wanted to build something so this will be your key to write more.

P.S Buy Yellow pad paper and ballpen then writes your thought on it, sometimes its easy to think and write in writing papers ganon ginagawa ko.

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2 years ago

That's true. We can't really please them. I think masobrahan ata ako sa kabaitan na kapag yung ibang tao nabibigyan ko ng halaga at importansya samantalang ako hindi man lang nila... 🤧

Wala akong yellow pad at pen eh nung mga oras na yan HAHAHA alam mo yung nagdidilim yung paningin mo na yung galit mo nangingibabaw at wala ka na pake sa paligid mo? Ganon ako kanina haha

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2 years ago

I wish I could hug you right now. Don't feel too bad about saying those words. I know you don't mean it. It's just something that your anger made you do. Everything's gonna be fine. I feel the same way too. Like you've given your everything but for them, you're just playing. We cannot rely on others all the time. As much as possible, do not weaken yourself. Also, do not give your all. In the end, it's just you. It's just ourselves.

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2 years ago

I don't rely to others. This is just my first time i think that I rely my clothes to them. Yet they can't do it? Seriously, I also have feelings. I can also be tired not all the time I can be active . Hays 🤧 next time, i will not rely to them. I will not ask for a favor.

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2 years ago

Power hug for you.😘 Just remain humble even how diffucult your situation now. Be strong. God is with you.😇

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2 years ago

I can relate to this, Mom sometimes is like this but not as bad as what they are doing to you. Alam mo ung nakaka lungkot ung imbes na sana kunting support lang. Buti nga di na ganyan ka grabi si Mommy. Napatunayan na nilang kegit tong site na tu. Pero syempre minsan di rin talaga maiwasan, tamad din kasi talaga ako I admit that. Pero yeah, nakakaiyak lang din minsan kasi sa sobrang gusto mo ng maka ipon agad kaya nag sisipag ka ng todo kaso nga di nila maintindihan iyon. Hayyysttt, ewan din.

Pero okie lang na nag puyat ka may reason ka naman ee. At okay lang na dito mo din ilabas ang nararamdaman mo. Kesa sa kanila baka magkasagutan pa or what. Hayaan nalang natin silang gumawa. Tanggaoin mo lang mga salita nila, labas sa kabilang tenga. Basta gawin mo lang ang dapat gawin mo sa ngayon. Wala pa rin naman taung magagawa kundi tanggapin ung nga salita nila ee. Tibayan mo nalang para dika mas ma depress pa. Just don't think about them for a while. Forget your ate and bahala sya sa buhay nya.

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2 years ago

Buti pa Mommy mo ate ropa naiintindihan ka. Ako kaya? 🤧 Kelan kaya nila ako maiintindihan? Hanggat meron pa to, gusto ko ilaan yung oras ko sa pagiipon. Ayaw ba nila yon? Diba mas maganda na yung insspend ko time ko dito kesa ispend yung time ko sa pakikipag landian sa lalake? Lol.

Omsim din, lagi ko ginagawa yan ate ropa yung kapag nakakarinig ako ng mga ganito or ganyan nilalabas ko talaga sa kabila yung mga sinasabi nila. Tinatanggap ko tanggap lang ako ng tanggap kahit masakit pero gaya nga ng sabi mo, ipagpapatuloy ko padin to. Kahit anong sabihin nila. Tamad na kung tamad pero alam ko naman sa sarili ko na may ginagawa ako.

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2 years ago

It's just ok because you are just expressing what you feel. Its ok to rant because it will lighten your problems. I do that most of the time, too. It's always you who will help yourself because you know the real you.

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2 years ago

Thanks for the understanding me. I feel better when I read your comment. 🤧 I am worried actually if what will my readers will be thoughts to me after reading it.

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2 years ago

You don't have to worry. Its normal to express your own feelings.

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2 years ago

same here, minsan di ko rin mapigilang makapag isip ng ganyan. kasi ma fefeel ko na parang hindi parin enough para sa kanila.

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2 years ago

Diba? Kahit mag effort tayo pinaparamdam padin nila na di padin enough? 🤧 Yung ginagawa mo naman yung gusto nila kahit ikaw ubos na ubos kana, sila sige lang ng sige hanggang sa mapagod ka.

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2 years ago

Hindi man to nonsense e. Minsan ganon tlga ikaw palagi nakikita tapos ikaw pa pagsasabihan ng tamad kapag Hindi mo nagawa . Ako Nung nandito pa mama ko immune nako na pagsabihan NG tamad Kaya pinanindigan ko na

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User's avatar Yen
2 years ago

Eh kasi ate yen baka kasi isipin ng iba kapag nabasa nila na ang Oa or drama tsaka di informative tong gawa ko now. 🤧 Kaya nisabe kong nonsense.

Sanay naman na din po ako sa mga sinasabi at na ako lagi at parating nakikita kaya diko na iniinda pero ngayon sumabog ako kasi nakisabay pa sila sa depression ko. Nakakapagod na din kasi mag pretend na okay lang kahit di naman talaga 🤧

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2 years ago

Please do take your time to rest too...for you to have gone through all this work load and still write is wonderful. Dont overwork yourself we understand.

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2 years ago

Yes I also get some rest but I couldn't stop myself from being here. Today, I spend my time thinking in the whole day about my self. I spend my time to rest my mind and my heart cause it was broken and I want my self to relax. 🤧

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2 years ago

I experienced the same when I lived with my grandmother and aunts when I'm in high school. Whatever I do, it's nothing to them. They are always like, do this and do that, being a busybody bossing around me while they're are just comfortably taking a nap. I've experienced depression because of them, that's when I realized why my parents wouldn't agree that I should live with them. I really have regretted why I insisted on it. Now, I'm back at my parents' house.

There are really people who are naturally toxic since birth. You can't do anything to them even though you speak out. They'll just say that you are trying to fight back to them and you'll just appear to be the bad one at the end. Just ignore what they are saying to you and continue what you are doing. When they get tired of criticizing you, they'll just say it in a whisper on other toxic ears. There's still resentment in them but at least, they're not bothering you that much.

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2 years ago

In my 13 years of living here with my sister without our Parents, I learned to close my mouth and uther a single words to them even if I am already hurt, I always remain silent because I know and I am not blinded to reality thay we don't own this house. That we are just living with them but why... They are always treating me like this 🤧💔

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2 years ago

They are the one who is blind, I guess or just playing blind because they can't let go of their ego, so they just continue to what they are used to. If you can't do anything about them, then you'll have no choice but to feel numbed towards them. Take care of yourself first, since they're not caring for you.

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2 years ago

Hays mahaba habang pasensya pa talaga siguro, ays ramdam ko yung inis mo na, parang akala nila nag lalaro ka lang at walang kwenta, ganon talaga siguro kahit tumutulong kana at naka tulong kana hanggat hindi nila nakikita na tumatayo kana sa sarili mong paa at succesful hinding hindi ka magiging sapat sa mata nila. Gawin natin motivation mga ganyan dadating din araw na mag cocongrats na lang sila satin despite sa mga sinasabi nilang masasama sa atin. Hugssss! sayoooo jaaammmm 🤗🤗

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2 years ago

Omsim ate need ko pa ata talaga magsumikap para mas lalo nila akong makita na nagsusumikap. Siguro tsaka lang nila ako matatanggap kapag nakapag patayo na ako ng bahay 🤧 Opo gagawin ko nga pong motivation mga yan. Naiyak lang ako today ansakit din sa mata hahaha ansakit kasi talaga.

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2 years ago

Iba rin naman talaga pag may favoritsm kahit anong gawin mo hindi talaga makikita ang halaga mo. Kaya hayaan nalang wala tayong mapapala sa kanila kahit anong pag sumikap natin. Toxic traits sa pamilya ☚ī¸đŸ¤§

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2 years ago

Kaya nga ate. Kaya kanina kinandado ko na yung room ko para makalma ko sarili ko kasi baka madagdagan pa mga words na baka di nila magustuhan 🤧

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2 years ago

Haha tapos tayo pa mali, tayo pa bastos 🤧

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2 years ago

Stay blessed and stay safe

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2 years ago

Bear hugs sis. Sometimes the reason why people don't understand you the way you want to be understood is that they haven't tried being in your shoe. You can't expect them to feel the same way as you because they don't have the same heart as yours. But still carry on.

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2 years ago

correct! Because we have our own feelings. And not all of the people can read our minds and or what we feels. Hays. Thank you for the hug 🤧 i am thankful that everyone is giving their hugs to me right now.

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2 years ago

Big hugs sis. What you're going through is tough especially that the people you have conflict with is in your family. I just hope everything will be fine soon among you.

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2 years ago

Thank you sis. For the hug. That is what I want right now. 🤧 i just hope that I will be okay soon.

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2 years ago