Ice Cream, and thoughts about Body Image
03/12/2022
I am already feeling really sleepy right now. The funny thing is, I did not really do tiresome stuff today. Weekend are chill days, so I know I deserve a relaxing rest this Saturday.
It's still an hour before 10 pm, but I can already feel my eyes getting heavy. A good bath before bedtime really gives this effect.
Saturday again.
The only productive thing I did, is washing the dishes for the day. I did not even do the laundry. I was with my phone almost all day, catching up with some useless and some important stuff, talking to an old friend, watching various videos, a series episode that I did not even finish, and that's it. Today was indeed a lazy day. (What's new, Elle? Just kidding.)
The highlight photo of today's random blog:
I can't really say no to Ice Cream. Goodness. Maybe it's why I am struggling with my acnes lately. I am craving for more sweets than before. Sweets are my comfort food now. Though I still try to manage sweets, there are cheat days like these that I just let go. Thankfully, it's every weekend. When I have spare money for snacks, I always buy ice cream. Or chips, or cookies. Sometimes, cupcakes. In specific weekends, all of them.
Oh, maybe it's also the reason I am noticing some addition to my belly fats nowadays. Thank goodness, I am still motivated to do 2 minute planks at least once a day. Two minutes is a long time for me. That's the most I can do for now. I remember being able to do plank for five minutes though. That was at least five years ago. Now, I suffice with at least 2 minutes. It's enough to manage my tummy that always likes to bloat, even if I don't want it, too.
It's not that I am overly conscious with my body, but I just feel more comfortable when I don't feel my tummy dangling with fats, like you know? It's hard to explain, but it's a bothersome feeling to me. LOL. And I am more comfortable to wear the type of clothes I want when I have a not to slim, and not too lean body. I think, I am somewhere in between.
I admit I feel insecure about my body sometimes. Whenever I ask people ask people around me, they always tell me I have nice body proportion. That my body does not look chubby at all, and my height is amazing.
In some days, I don't believe them, what the majority of them says. I want to believe them, but I don't know what's holding me back. There are certain times that I keep on looking at my arms that I find thicker than they should be. I sometimes wish I have a nicer tummy and waist. And oh, my thighs, I still find it hard to appreciate my upper and lower legs, because they are not slim like how I want them to be.
I am sorry, am I being negative with what I was saying? I did not mean to annoy you, nor ignite some feeling of insecurity towards yourself, too, but I just want to share it. How I struggle with my body image. I know some people even have it worse than me.
I tried to shake it off, but I know deep inside I have issues with my appearance. This was even worse before, because I have greatly improved now. I love this version of me now.
Back then, I really do this, looking at these beautiful girls on social media, envying their slim bodies, facial structures that I don't have, their tones arms and legs, their curvy figures, and flawless skin. All of these qualities I know are missing in myself. Back then, I had this thought that because I don't have these features, I am ugly. I am a hopeless case. On rare nights, I even cry.
Why is my skin always full of scars and insect bites even I try my best to prevent them? Some people I know don't even pay attention to their legs, but theirs look a lot better than mine. In the past, I had moments where I just look at myself in the mirror and despise my asymmetrical face, my body structure that's far from how I want it to be, and my skin with scars that I couldn't get rid of. All these self-criticism always overwhelm me that I cry. I blame genetics, I blame myself for not taking care of myself enough, I blame the products I use, and other similar stuff. I even said I'll never be that woman I dreamed myself to be, in this overall look I have right now.
Thinking back now of those days made me sad. I was too harsh on myself. I was to pre-occupied at finding and despising my "flaws" that I did not believe the compliments I received. I always though people were just being nice. I thought I knew in myself people were just being nice, because I did not really see what they saw. I could not really find those things they claim to find beautiful about me. I did not appreciate my features, because I kept comparing myself to others.
It was a difficult phase in my life, because I was so low on self-esteem. But the good news is, I have come far from that kind of person I was.
Now, though I still feel a bit insecure sometimes, I do not let these negative thoughts get to me. Whenever I start seeing some beautiful girls on the internet, and the tendency to compare comes by again, I shut myself up, and think of good things about me.
I always remind myself that I am beautiful enough, though I can't, for sure, say it out loud. Honestly, I still find it hard to actually write it here. I still find it unusual to call myself beautiful, knowing someone else other than me, will read this. The farthest I could go, until this, was to compliment myself, mentally.
Every morning when I wake up, I think of positive affirmations. I think I've shared about it already, the new habit I formed this year.
I am beautiful. I attract blessings and healing today. I practice the right habits. Today's gonna be a good day, I feel it. A good news is coming soon. I am confident. I am smart.
Those are just some of them. Somehow, these affirmations helped me feel better about myself, when I started this habit. Of course, the result was not overnight. I tried my best to believe these thoughts, until I feel like they really are true.
I was supposed to talk about how my day went today, but you see.. A simple blabbering about a clueless ice cream suddenly went to me sharing a dark side of my old self, that I am still on the process getting rid of.
This side about me is not really known to people around me, in real life. Perhaps, this platform is my safe place where I can talk about things such as this, without fear of being judged. I don't know how these blog got to you, but this is actually special to me, as I feel like I was able to open up a side of me that I chose to hide.
Right now, I can say that I am not that old version of me who's overwhelmed with insecurities. I may still feel it in the future, but at least I know how to handle them.
Just believe you are are beautiful, then magic happens. As they say, there is beauty in confidence. The truth is, we are all created beautiful, the beauty standards just told us lies.
We can't bend the truth, but live with it, instead. Make sure to make it YOUR truth that you are indeed, beautiful.
Random thoughts inspired by ice cream! LOL! Let's get it! Goodnight for now, I am really half-asleep right this moment.
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To GOD be the glory.
Dati nung dalaga pa ako i used to plank everday. ngayon, 2 kids CS, naku ang sakit sa likod. try ko sana mag plank tapos sabay takbo anak kong lalaki andito na sa likod ko naka angkas.