Stuck in my throat

3 36

Written by

ZehraSky

Poet lost in the void

2 years ago

In community: Noiseristificationism(0ba1)

Topics: Random thoughts, Nonsense

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I thought that getting a diagnosis would be easy or that it would be natural for me to say it. I mean, I managed to inform my bestfriends, and my partner about it the moment I got the diagnosis.

I even let my family know about it. Well, except for my younger sister. She was sleeping when I told the other members of my family about it so she never knew the reason why I am taking a medication.

I asked her about it

Randomly, I asked her if she knew why I am taking a medication. I imagine how it would go so many times in my head.

In my imagination, I always just say it sk casually as if it was just something insignificant.

But reality is disappointing.

When my youngest sister asked me the reason why. I could not open my mouth. I found it difficult to breathe, and I had to focus on breathing for a few minutes. And then, all I was able to say was it was because of my diagnosis.

So many words

I had many things that I wanted to share but they were all stuck in my throat. It felt as if the gathered there and it stopped my voice from working.

I did tell my youngest sister what exct diagnosis I got since she deserves to know. After all, the two of us spent most of our time together as she helped me take care of the pets.

I wanted to tell her

I wanted to tell her how my condition affects me. That the reason why I have been so out of it for the past few months is because I no longer had a control on my mental health.

I wanted to tell her how if she is not always pushing me to get out of bed to take care of the pets, I would have never find the energy to leave my room.

How I would have forgotten to eat if she does not ask me to eat together. How I would have never gitten around to washing the dishes if she is not always waiting for me to finish doing it.

No words out of my mouth

But I did not tell her that. Just like how she acts as if I had just not told her something serious.

Yet both of us understand each other better now. We are never good t communicting our thoughts but we show it in our actions.

We share our concern in different words and I am used to it. Afterall, I never tell my family I love them but I do my best to give everything I can.

I never say nor show affection to my youngest sister in the normal way. I just give her money everytime I have money and I also buy her cravings too.

In turn, she did not freak out on me when I told her my diagnosis. Rather, she just promised to treat me to unli wings next time.

Unspoken but understood

It took me a while to get it. I used to not understand my family becuse they never communicate their feelings into words.

But when I started paying attention, I saw how they speak. It is not in words but actions.

Of course, some might say it is better to clearly convey what we feel, but it works for us this way.

It is never spoken, but we all know that we have each other's backs even during the times when we do not fully understand. Just like how my family supports me even though they are not sure of what my diagnosis mean.

Honestly, it does not bother me since they are doing their best to be understanding.

I am also not at the stage where I could continuously talk about what I am feeling outside of therapy.

So the subtle shift in their attitudes is more than enough for me.