No energy at all
Today I woke up at 5AM to have a morning walk with Moshi, and my sisters. This is a great way to start the day if only I could sleep early.
The medication I am taking makes me sleepy but not enough that I could actually fall asleep. So I am just stuck yawning all day wondering how many hours of sleep I could get.
Having a short sleep at night is usually okay since I try to take long naps in the afternoon between my classes as well as the free time in between. My naps usually add up to two hours so I can function okay.
But today, the midterm examinations are only separated by a small break that I used to feed my kittens. So I feel so tired.
Well, I always feel tired bht today I just have no energy. It felt like I was just floating from one subject to another. Thankfully, I know that I did my best today.
Medication helps but not always
After taking the medication, I would usually feel sleepy so at this point, I am able to take an hour nap. I can not take longer naps since I had to feed Moshi as well as the kittens now. So even if I wanted to continue sleeping, I can not.
By the time I finished with mt chores, it is usually already close to class hours so I just lie on my bed while dreading my alarm. Sometimes, I wish time would just stop so I could breathe.
The medication is helping me keep some of my symptoms at bay but since I was only prescribed a small dose, and I had only just begun taking it, the effects are not as much as I would like.
My fear
There is a part of me that is scared that I might not get truly better because it took me so long to ask for help. Some part of me though feels like maybe I am just being dramatic about the state of my mental health. I mean I did just fine for a few years living in constant state of tiredness so why am I trying to change that now?
I am not sure how to explain it. Honestly, I have no energy to think of anything but I do not want to give in to the thought of stopping because I am not feeling okay.
I will keep fighting
No matter how tired I get, I want to keep fighting. The doubts might keep me up at night, but I will continue to hold onto the hope that it will get better.
Right now, I have no energy to mince my words or think of a way to express myself creatively. But I still want to keep my promise to myself to publish everyday.
I already feel worthless without the pile of unfulfilled promises to myself, no need to add it.
I have the urge to apologize for such a confusing article today. My mind is a mess and I really can not form sentences together.
The medicine the doctor gave me helps out in quieting down my overthinking mind but it also feels like I process things slower.
Do forgive me for not interacting much today yet still publishing an article. I was swamped with examinations while having to take care of 3 pets. Sometimes I kinda wish that my heart could bear to ignore their needs but I feel so much shame for even thinking of that.
Closing words
This day is not all lows though, we received an update about our stipend and it seems like our adviser is doing his best to rush the process. Hopefully, we can get the P33, 000 within this month. I already have plans for it. Although I would give majority of it to my parents and allocate money to contribute to our monthly expenses.
Let me end this article by sharing how much I envy those people who can fall asleep as soon as their heads hit their pillows. I wish I could fall asleep eithin seconds too. It is not fun to feel sleepy yet not be able to sleep.
Hopefully, this short break will give me time to recalibrate myself. I do need to start cleaning my room again once ng medication gave me that boost in my mood. Or maybe the medication will make me so sleepy, who knows. It depends on my luck that day.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
December 2021 Articles Summary
November 2021 Articles Summary
Let's contend of being vulnerable in achieving our goals. It's part of our life. But if we surpass all of the trials we will be stronger enough to counter all of the struggles.