Thank you for your Two months of Love, Fly High!
Today, I'm not okay. I supposed to publish the first article that I wrote since 8 am but, I think i will just write this emotions that i feel since yesterday. I'm still at the process of healing to my depression and stress and then, this will happened again. If you remember, I have this past article where I wrote down all of what I felt and a sincere confession. A past that makes me miserable and I can't handle my emotions very well.
Yesterday, I'm busy so I can't read properly here. I am busy to take care something that became important to my life. That's why, I also didn't wrote article yesterday because I fall asleep. I didn't have a proper sleep for how many days now so my head was hurt and I endure it but last night, I felt like anytime will boom!
What i always avoid is to owning a Pet. I really don't like to take care a puppy because I know that when I lose them, I will blame my self. Never ending blaming that everynight, I can't sleep properly because all the looks and flashbacks of them when they died is still on my head. Just like right now, after knowing that our one two months old puppy died, I run fast to my room and I spend hours of sitting beside. The flashbacks of how my pet in the past was coming back to my memory and Hearing them how they seek of help from those bad hands that holding them thightly. The burst of the rain of the night that time is so loud to my ears and even if it is morning already.
I don't know what to do. I just spend my time sitting and scared of looking in front because the imagination of them laying in front of me with a blood to the floor is scaring me so I close my eyes and hold my both ears using my both hands to cover the loud noises... And cried.
What I hate my self is being soft. I can't hate the animals. That I am willing to risk all of my everything just so I can save them yet, because i'm still young and I don't have powers i can't save them...from death. Even if you have money to buy them the things that they needed, we are became useless when it comes to death.
My Pipao is just 2 months old. She's the mood maker and she's a hyper puppy. She always love to tease her siblings but now... I realized that even the happy animal can be sad and feel the pain when they are sick. They have a heart and they are breathing like us.
Every time that I don't have someone to talk to when I have problems around me. I always play with them to feel better. I don't own them and refused to take care one or the pups to avoid these kind of feeling when there is something bad happened to them. Yet, here I am. Crying because she died. I know, it's not my fault because parvoviruses can't be avoided to puppies right now. I don't know what is the cure of parvo virus so I don't know how to save her so I realized that I am useless human again. It's our responsibility to take care of them because we are the Human of this world.
After spending some hour of crying and that happened to me a while ago, Checking by the time of 10:31 AM right now, I'm Writing this one without emotions. I feel like all of the reasons of living to this world was gone in just a blink. There is nothing on my head right now but I would like to end my life too so that i will never feel the pain anymore. I think my self as a bad person and compare to other people who does bad things, I, myself is just the same like them so I don't deserve to live in this world.
But then, I realized one thing... If there will be a chance to study again, I will choose to become a Veterenarian. I would study that course but atter I read an information of how to become vet
But after I read those requirements make my head hurts more. The GPA is making me feel low to myself because I'm not sure if i can able or manage to aim that grades. Should I search another one? I would like to know if How to become smart?
I don't know if I can manage to study that course after I build our own house after 2 years of saving money. Because one year can't be enough for me to save esp. When I don't have still extra work. But right now, let me say Goodbye to our Pipao first. Let me say goodbye to her even if it's hurts to my heart because it's just two months. It's so very early for her to say good bye to me. It's so very hurt that i'm starting to cry again.
End of my Thoughts...
Being a human on this world is though. We always do some mistakes and we always suffer. But everytime that I feel these things, I always ask God. Because i know why there are things that we unexpected to happen even if we don't want to happen. There is a purpose. There is a reason why. If it is for Good or for a lesson to everyone, We should always cherish that lesson and moments that we have them.
Maybe pipao is not here anymore. But I know, she's in a rainbow stairs now walking. She deserve the place that is good because I know that she was safe and Tiny is waiting there to play with her.
Losing someone who became part of our life in a short period of time is so very hurt esp when it became your friend, your bestfriend, your family. It's hurts more than break up.
My Previous articles:
I gained 4kg weight because...
3 simple things that I bought for Trading
That's not a worth it reason to cry
Do you know the meaning of this kind of dream?
They woke up at the second day of january 2022
Sorry for that sis. I hope you can handle all the things that you have in your plate right now bu God's word. Hold unto Him and cling to His words.