10/11/2021
You were the one that made me happy on the times I had to be alone. Wait, I was not really alone, after all. Well, I have you. I had you.
Who would have expected I would grow so fond of you this much? Every part of this place just reminds me of you. Everytime I stare at nothingness, images of you appear, some still and some moving, like a movie of it's own, all inside my head. I always saw you waiting when I come later. You are there, being attentive as ever, with your big eyes focused on me. You are not making a sound, and I know you've accustomed sleeping near me. That's what I also feel.
Hell is a definition of last night. I tried to sleep, and I was able to. But now that I think of that again, it was freakin' empty. I have been used to your little body wandering around comfortably my bed. I have been so used to your adorable habit of snuggling close to me, while making those soft sounds, as if I am your mommy in the night, when your real mom is away.
Yes, tonight us the second night without you, and I am ugly crying because you are everything that occupies my wholeness right now. Your playful games that made me smile will never be played anymore. It's surely warm here, right? You loved it here, right? Now, I wonder if you're sleeping in a warm place. Last night was a rainy night. How fcking cold you must have been, crying alone in the dark, unfamiliar place.
Now is the time I am staring at the rainbows, and non-existent silver linings of the clouds, foolishly hoping that the likes of you having nine lives is true. Even if it's not with me, I hope that you'll continue to live well, grow healthier, stronger. I could not even see a glimpse of you now, and it hurts like crazy. Why does it hurt so much? It pains so bad that I want to curse at the wind who's clueless of everything.
Oh, my Mia. I don't think I'd ever be the same again. I don't think I'd ever sleep soundly again, knowing I wasn't able to do anything but let you go, because I have no power. I wanted to shout, break things. I wanted to get out of here. And look for you.
To say sorry. To hug you so tight that you'll forget what you've went through for this time you're not with me. I hope God punishes who ever hurts you. I can only hope you're taken by someone you deserve to have. Definitely not me. I failed to protect you. I am sorry. I am fckin sorry, my precious bundle of sunshine.
All I can do is just to find a secret spot where I could cry. Because I always have the slightest urge to break down. In the bathroom, in the room where I sleep, outside of our house, in the dark. Even while working, just mentally seeing your image, is like a whole episode of my heart repeatedly chopped to pieces. You are my home. I have found comfort in you, especially in the trying times. You are my energy, little bun. Your voice is my medicine. And now, all of those are gone.
Can I take you back? Is it possible for the wind to bring you back to me, safe and sound? Can I just bring back time, and never make it to the point where I had to say goodbye? Oh wait, I was not even able to say goodbye. I just went home, and there was no sign of you. I tried ignoring it, telling myself that I can just go on with my life. I went on cheerfully through that very day. But when the night came, the savage reality hit.
Rummaging through my fragile heart like a newly-sharpened knife, and digging deep into my soul, memories of you were suddenly so clear, and they would not stop playing in my head. My efforts are vain. I have memorized your favorite spots, your unique language, your own kind of sweetness that made me grow addicted of you, just writing this now makes me weep even more.
Over this window, I could clearly see you running out and about the roof, making tiny sounds because of how light you were, and I hear myself laughing for your mischief. If I'm gonna be honest, no one has ever cheered me up the way that you did, and now that the truth sinks in, I know I'd have to bear with this excruciating pain in the next days, or weeks, or eternity.
Somehow, it is now sinking in, that cruel reality that I'd never see nor embrace you again, that I'd never smile again the way I did because of you. I have no clue where in this place you are right now. What could you be doing now? Are you playing like how you always did when you're here? Or taking naps again? Because you love naps. Or maybe you are playing with someone else's hands and feet again.
Taking a quick look at my arm, I can see this one remaining scar you left me.I used to find lots more of this ugly. Lots of scratch marks made my lower arm and hand a bit ugly in my eyes because you love to play with it, and bite it in playful manner.
I could not find any more marks aside from this little one on the back of my palm. Are you mad at me? Did you somehow work your way to erase the scratch marks completely? I was hoping they'd just remain so I would always remember you. I also wished for you to have bit me harder the last time we played so I'd feel less guilty of what I allowed to happen. I know I can make a scene, confront them on how just unfair everything was for me. But nothing will change, because I was alone in loving you. I was alone in fighting for you. I was overpowered. Now that we're apart, I feel more lonely as heck.
'Cause our bond started when I got sick. You accompanied me through those cold, lonely nights, your warmth made my sick days better. Your own little ways healed me more than medicines did, and I am always sure of that. I know I'll always think of you because those times were also a big part of me, and you are part of that. So this is what those songs mean when they said "The nights will never be the same again." Damn, I understood it the hard way. And I know I'm gonna have to deal with this forever.
Hello, Monday.
I apologize for this article. My heart feels heavy until now. I was supposed to write something funny for this challenge of @McJulez , also my attempt to cheer myself up, but I guess this is a type of sadness that took a toll on me. I can't ignore it this time. It's difficult and dumb of me to try writing a happy article while crying nonstop.
I don't really know, I've never felt this hurt in so long, it feels strange, this kind of pain. I know I've experienced it before, but now that it's been so long, it's kinda unfamiliar again.
I could not hide myself in writing, for real. This article is a proof of that. It was a really foolish move of mine to try brushing the grief away and just going through the day like nothing big has happened. Yes, to them, nothing has happened. That was just an ordinary day to them, but to me, who loved Mia so much, yesterday was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life, so far. I am not even kidding, it really.. really hurts. It's hard to explain the level.
I could not go into the details, I am sorry, but the main thing was that we had to give away and let go of a kitten here in our home. I was against it, of course, but what can I do? I do not own the house, I am not the head of this house, and lastly, I am the only one in the opposite side. I have expected to lose the fight. I knew it, from that very time the topic was brought into the table, I was somehow expecting it. But for the sake of freakin needles and blades, that expectation did not make the upcoming pain any easier to deal with.
If you follow me on noise.cash, I always post photos of Mia, my beloved kitten. I guess I won't post for her anymore. Other future owner would, I wonder who.
I am thankful I could even go through with the day at work "normally" because I make myself busy at daytime, eat a bit when I come back home, and finally inside my room, where everything is quiet. I am alone, and that's when the delayed emotions come back, and that's the worst feeling ever. I don't know how many nights I'd cry for her, because I love her.
I am very, very sensitive now, even just a picture of a kitten makes me tear up already, even that one I used in the beginning of this article. LOL.
Anyway, please forgive me for this dramatic piece has become very long. Have you read through the letters for every beginning of the paragraph above? Yes, a challenge accomplished again!
Feel free to write about this one, too! Can't wait to read yours. Thanks for reading up to here, you're a legend. Until next time!
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Mia's so cute.😊. Same here I'm very senstitive when it comes to cats hehe..just like when Shizu wants to enter inside my mosquito net then she make sounds like begging for me to take her inside ..so I ended up taking her inside and sleeping with me.haha