People labeled my gender as this!
Writing this blog today is very personal, way more personal than any of my blogs that you read. It was something that can shock you, hate, like, dislike and be proud of me. Well, whatever you read today is the best testimony that I got and I am very proud of it. Actually, right now I am hesitant to tell this because you know, this story is not common to be published or read. I only read so few related things about what I am going to tell so brace yourself.
Disclaimer: The events happened here are real, factual and truthful. I didn't alter any part of the story. Please be more understanding of me.
The story started when I was young. Since I was a kid, I have had this different attitude, personality and behavior than most of the boys my age. They teased me because I am slow, my actions are a bit similar to girls and I don't like to play the normal games the boys would do outside like basketball, baseball and football. Since then, I often hear to our neighbors that they are labeling me as a “gay child”.
I grew up believing in the culture that when you are a boy and your actions are similar to girls, them you are gay. If you are a girl and your action is similar to boys, then you are lesbian. All my life, I believed in that kind of culture that even some of my family would label me. Well, at first, it hurt my feelings. It hurts because I know that although my behavior and actions are like that, the label they put is not me.
Years passed by, I entered high school with so much expectations and joy. I cannot believe that finally a new chapter of my life was opened. When I was in high school, I saw numerous students who are publicly stood themselves as gay and lesbian. You can easily spot them because of their unique actions and how they interact with people. That's why my curiosity about myself is heightened as well.
In fact, that is no longer a curiosity for me. It was gender confusion or what you call gender dysphoria. My confusion about my gender is becoming bothersome to me because I have this inner heat in my heart that is shouting. It is shouting and looking for the right answers about my gender and why I am confused. That literally happened and every night I kept searching online about how to identify myself and answering online tests about gender.
One time, I was invited by my friends to a certain group chat on messenger. He added me there and I was shocked because all of them are either gay, bisexual or confused like me. Yeah, they are asking for meet ups. They are messaging each other and some of them already have a relationship. There is a member there who messaged me privately. He asked how I am, where I am schooling and basically questions that getting to know about me.
We chatted for about six weeks and he wanted to meet me. It was actually December and we met at SM Bacoor. I was surprised to see him. And a few minutes later, asked me to watch a movie. I didn't decline him since he already bought tickets beforehand. We were there watching and laughing together at Vice Ganda's movie. I forgot what the title is. Then suddenly, he grabbed my hand and stayed like that for like 10 minutes or something.
What's surprising to me is when he started to move his hands lower. It was as if his hands were traveling free, but that is the time I realized that I am not like that. I am not a person who will do that or allow someone to do that for me. No! I stood up and ran away. Like, I remember I went straight to the bus station and went home without bidding goodbye.
For a whole week, I asked myself who I am and what I am. You know what, at the very end, there is something that hits me hard. Something that cuts off what I believed for my whole life. Something that I didn't allow people to label me anymore. And here it is.
“Most people believe you are gay today. You are still gay tomorrow, in the next following days, months and years. But no, you can be changed. You will be changed.”
In my whole life, I kept hidden this feeling that I wanted to be accepted in the group. I wanted to be part of the community where I am accepted for who I am. I wanted to be real for the rest of my life. That community is not the community you are thinking of right now. The community that I am referring to is the “people who I loved, who accepted what and who I am regardless of blood relation.”
The time I embraced myself, the whole being given to me. I never ever changed how I act, how I speak, how I think, and how I socialize with people. May it be at home, at school, and at public. I want to leave this quote, a quote that I still hold on for so many years. I made this quote myself.
“To live true is to be happy. To be happy is to live truly.”
PS: This is my testimony for pride month and if you are curious about my family. They all know this because they are the ones who encourage it. I am not gay.
Thank you generous sponsors for giving me this sponsorship. I appreciated it a lot.
My previous articles you might love to read:
Thank you for reading. I'll see you next time!
I rejoiced at the end of the postscript. So happy to know that you finally realized who you are. In a society full of judgmental people, gender stereotyping is common but in the end, the only one who truly knows ourselves is only ourselves.
I have a similar experience. You know nemern, I'm boyish and not a bit feminine. During Grade 8, I was also confused about my gender but I never got any crush on girls. I act cool and like to hang out with boys because we have similar minds and hobbies, but I don't like basketball, of course. There is a time when I agreed to be the girlfriend of my lesbian classmate, but nothing chu chu happened to us. After a day with her, I distant myself and better be alone since I have confirmed to myself that I'm a girl and I will never be a lesbian.