Blog 8
Date :December 13,2021
Time :8:21Suicide is a very serious topic. We sometimes wonder why do people come to that point of killing themselves.
I meet Michael in February 2018. He seems to be a nice guy and a very friendly person. He loves to make other people happy. We became friends until he started courting me. Honestly, at that time I am in a long-distance relationship with my Canadian boyfriend (I know I also include this in my previous article) but we have some misunderstandings and we both made a mistake. So I end up entertaining Michael and trying to divert my attention. Till I fall in love with Michael. I'm not sure if that's love or maybe I just need some attention. He makes me feel happy. Seeing him makes me happy. Being with him makes me happy. So maybe that's love. After days and weeks of courting and I said yes.
He looks like a bad guy but behind those looks is a very sweet guy. I think I slowly fall in love with him as I started to be more poetic like sweet words came out on my mind that easily. I love writing love letters or making some poems. Every monthsary I always write love letters to him. Seems our relationship was going smooth until I notice that he is a very jealous type of person. Jealousy is normal but too much is not okay when he kept on nagging about my pasts relationship. When He lost his job around July 2018 I just let him stay at my place. It was not an easy decision but I just want to help him find a job. He tried to find a job but he always fail. We always had misunderstandings because of his too much jealousy. He always got jealous for no valid reason. Maybe he was just too insecure. Been with him for almost 9 months we always fight for the same reason. For his unbearable jealousy. Honestly, I know I should just end up our relationship but I always wanted to give him the chance to change but it never happened. Since I've been in too many different failed relationships I am tired of keeping on starting back over and over again. There was a time that we had another misunderstanding and I told him that I wanted to end up our relationship but he ask for forgiveness and if I can't forgive him then He will just kill himself as he don't want to lose me. So I forgive him. Since we live in our parent's house and my dad is a drunkard Michael usually got drunk too. They seem to get along with my dad and my elder brother. What I don't like is if we have misunderstandings He always walks away. Instead of talking to me to resolve the problem he always chooses to walk away. Choosing him is a big mistake. He causes so much stress on me and I can't take it anymore that we always had nonstop fighting. There was a time when I told him that I really wanted to break up with him since I wanted to focus on taking care of my daughter but he ended up committing suicide by trying to cut his wrist and it happened at my workplace. It's not the 1st that he committed suicide. He already had 5 attempts. My work is affected already because of my relationship. So I talk to him and told him that if we will have a fight again for the same reason then I end up my relationship with him for the last time. He agrees and he even promises that if ever we will have another fight he will be one to let go and he will leave me alone. Honestly, Michael is a very controlling type of person when I was with him He controls what I wear, whom I can talk to, and even what I eat. It's like I don't know myself anymore. I've changed a lot. I tried to be the person Michael wants. That's how stupid I am. I have that feeling that I always have to prove to Michael that I love him and I choose him over other men. But whatever love and cared I showed He still has a doubt. A few weeks after that incident a certain son of my ex-boyfriend way back 14 years ago suddenly message me on messenger telling me that his dad is already a policeman. So I told Michael about it and He warned me that I already know what to reply to that person. I told that person that I am happy that his dad is now a policeman. That made Michael mad at me. He felt so insecure with my ex. So he was mad at me and we had another fight and I told him we were over. I don't want to see his face anymore. I told him to pack his things and leave our house. So he goes back to my parent's place and packs his things. I didn't know where he goes after. I felt so happy that finally, I finally let him go and that's the best decision I've ever did. My misery is over. But to my surprise, he drop by at my workplace and gave me a bouquet of flowers and that was the first time he gave me flowers. He was so sorry for what happened but my decision is final. I felt pity for him but I have to stand by my decision. I need peace and I can only get that if I will let him go.
Later that day his relatives message me that Michael committed suicide. I was still at work at that time and I can't just leave my job that easy. Michael was rescued by his uncle and they bring him to the hospital. After my work, I immediately go to the hospital. In the emergency room, I witnessed how Michael can't hardly breathe. He tried to kill himself by hanging himself. He was saved but we didn't know if he can still recover for what he did. The doctor said he still has the chance to live but he can be totally bedridden.
My Nanay(Mom's mom)and Michael has the same death anniversaryMonday, around 5 am. Michael was trying to fight, doctors tried to save him but we lose him. Honestly, it was my 1st time witnessing someone lose their life. No tears fall down my eyes as I was literally shocked. I can't believe what I just witnessed. His mom was there crying. I was on leave for 3 days from my work at that time but after we settled his body I have to go back to work and I just go to Michael's wake after my work. That's my daily routine for 9days.
Anyway, we just knew that the reason why Michael lost his job (lending collector) was that his boss find out that he uses the money intended for the customers. He owes almost 40 thousand pesos and his boss wants him to pay it slowly. He also has other debts from other people. His mom told me to help her pay the debt of Michael worth 7thousand and his mom gave me Michael's motorcycle.
At first, I don't want to accept the motorcycle since it was not fully paid and I can't afford to pay the monthly amortization but she insisted and offered me that she will give me whatever we can get from Michael's SSS Burial Claim. So I just agreed to help her to pay Michael's debt from their neighborhood. It's been 3 years since he died and we are still puzzled why he committed suicide. I am just glad that no one in his family ever blame me for what happened.
Closing thoughts
We all face difficulty and trials in our life but if you are strong enough and have faith in God he will never leave you. Whenever I feel down I will try to talk to God and ask for his guidance. Suicide is indeed a big sin and those people who tend to do it need so much help and attention. I failed to help Michael as I didn't know what he have been through. He is a discreet person. Whenever I tried to ask Him if He has a problem he just said nothing and I can't force him to open up with me as he gets mad at me.
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I know the feeling of watching someone go in person. In my situations it wasn't someone close to me. Death is hard to deal with but seeing it up close is hard especially someone you know well I'm glad the family never put blame on you that would have been even hardier on you. No one can blame you for cutting ties because of his jealousy. I know first hand what it's like to be with the jealous type, no fun. One day you will see him again. Let's hope he's at peace now.