Back when I was a freshman in colkege, I remember thinking how awesome the higher years are. I admire them for being able to conquer engineering subjects.
I see them as some sort of role model to follow. I thought they know everything there is to know about the subject.
Maybe it was true back when we had face to face classes. Maybe higher years were really that awesome back then.
But now that it is pur batch who is third years students, I still feel so lost. I know I am not the only one who feel lost. Yet I also know that tgere are students who understand the lessons well and the theories behind them.
Most of them have someone they can ask about the course. Maybe an alumi brothers, sisters, aunts or uncles. These students are not alone in our course.
But for someone like me who does not have any Engineer family members or friends, I feel like I am gettkng left behind. This would not have been much of a problem if I am studying a well known course like maybe Mechanical Engineering or Electrical Engineering. There would be various resources which I can use to study.
But for our course, rhe resources are limited and most times assume that the readers already have more than the basic knowledge on the subject. When I am reading tutorials about how to use certain softwares, it always feel like I missed an essential foundation but I can never seem to find a way to fill the void in my knowledge.
I feel embarassed to even ask my classmates the questions sitting on my mind because they never seemed to answer my questions. Instead of understanding the lesson, I end up having more. The professors are also not approachable. If you dare try to ask them a clarifying question they will tell you to just look more about tge topic on the internet.
They never share their references or anything, they just expect us to somehow pick the right resources on the internet when we do not have any background on the subject.
It may make me seem like a bitter person but I envy my classmates who have people who can guide them, who they can ask when they are confused. I wish I also have someone who can help me when I am struggling to understand something.
The past few months are not good to me and my academics. Sure, I am complying with all the requirements, but I have broken down many times trying to finish them on time.
My laptop is also giving up on me. There seems to be a problem in thebhardware but I have yet to find the time to get it looked at. So there are times when I am making a program and then my laptop will suddenly restart, making me start from the scratch again.
This situation just added more frustration to me. I keep thinking to myself that I should have just chosen a different course. The course I chose is like a combination of all the things I hate from my other course choices.
I hate that I cannot even entertain the idea of shifting because I cannot do that because of my scbolarship. It is not that I am afraid that I will lpse my scbolarship, it is that I literally cannot shift because we can only shift on the first year and not on the years after. So I am stuck here in this course.
You know that feeling when I think to myself that I would have loved this course if it had been face to face? That is what I feel a lot of the times.
It is generally easier to follow the classes when I can study it with my blockmates because the lessons that they got from their siblings or aunts or uncles are shared to tbe class when we have a hard activity. But now it is usually something kept to one's self. Or maybe I just have no friends to ask for help HAHA.
I find it so funny that my blockmates think I am intelligent yet I feel so lost as we get closer to the end of the sem. It feels like I am just floating along but I do not retain any knowledge.
I am so frustrated because I really want to learn but the example and the activities are so different. Even after watching the 35+ supplementary videos, I still have a hard time answering ONE activity.
It is so disheartening because I really wanted to understand and to learn. But it feels like it is beyond my skills.
It feels like I just accidentally ended up on this course and that I do not belong. It feels like I am just following some faded trail with no map. Just trusting my instinct to get me to where I am supposed to be.
I am so frustrated with myself that I end up hurting myself with words. I know that there arr things that will not come easily to us but I still feel bad because the activity is going to be passed tomorrow and I still can't understand a thing. I am not even sure if I managed to install the softwares correctly or maybe those softwares are the reason why my laptop is acting up.
The end of the semester is coming and yet I am feeling more hopeless than ever. I am not even sure if it can last until I can pass the activities that needed to be passed.
I am just so drained and sad and frustrated. And I hate it because I wish I was not feeling this way.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want to read some more articles of mine, I have monthly summaries here:
September 2021 Articles Summary
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The worst part is that when we tryna learn something, they'll just tell us to look more in the internet or YouTube lmao