I am still not ready
There are certain times when I thought I was prepared for something until it is the day before it happens. There are perhaps no amount of preparation that could ever get me ready for all things that need to happen.
A week ago, I was confident that I could handle the new semester without faltering. It is perhaps from my good mood when I saw my name in the Dean's List. Or perhaps I just really want to get it over with.
Yesterday morning, I distracted myself with multiple things just to deal with the feelings of loss numbing my body. It works well actually. I even managed to push myself to apply for an opportunity.
This opportunity that I am talking about is an NCII scholarship training related to my course. There are limited slots only and it was on a first come first served basis so I did my best to pass my requirements within the day. I still need to wait a response about my application. Although, I hope that I might be part of the lucky ones. It would be a valuable experience that will give me an edge in my course.
Today, I rearranged my room. Mostly because I did not want to worry about tomorrow. Or maybe it was a preparation for tomorrow. I am not sure.
Tomorrow is not a big day or anything. If I am being honest, it would probably be similar to my days right now but still, I find myself wanting to extend today's hours just a bit longer.
Tomorrow, I would have to go to my old school to get my OTR in the morning. It has been 3 years since I last stepped foot onto that place.
Just imagining myself going back there is making my body immobile in fear. I studied there for 6 years. It was the place where I learned a lot of things. It was the place where I met many of my friends with whom I shared fond memories.
However, it is also a place where toxicity is celebrated. A place where seeing a friend as a rival for the rank is encouraged. A place where elitism is bred. A place where I experiences many suffocating events.
I will probably not be there for more than a few minutes but my mind is already overthinking. I had to write my thoughts down just to get some sleep tonight.
I need to rest since tomorrow is also the official start of our new semester. Just earlier, I was busy enrolling myself in the virtual classrooms of our professors.
The subject Ethics caught my attention. It is likely because that was the only subject where writing is involved. I have always been more fond of words than numbers even if I am an aspiring engineer.
Anyway, I am not sure I am ready to face this new semester. But I know that I have no choice but to move forward. The world will continue to spin even if I am not ready so I must take action if I do not want to be left behind.
I just hope once again that this semester will be good to me just like the ones before. May it not add anymore pain in my life because I feel too empty for a while now.
Closing words
I was busy during the day with distractions. I do not remember most of what I did but I feel so tired ever since I woke up. It seems like I am really getting older because my body is getting weaker and easier to falter.
Hopefully, I will be able to do my best tomorrow. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going when I feel blue.
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Just let things happen. Don't stress yourself up. Relax and everything will be good.