I'm okay! I'm good! This is nothing! Duh, this is the hundred time that I experience this, nothing's new. I can just shake it off again and my life will be back to a happy one. I'm good at it, hah. Time make me stronger that a problem like this is just a piece of cake. Shake it off, shake it off oh-oh!!! Oh, music, yes music - I need it. Life is just boring without music. This is a life saver. This will do, I can get on with my life with this. Music is life. And this will stay like until problems doesn't exist in this world anymore, I know it's impossible. Music is my savior, this gives meaning to my life.
Oh this feelings that keep on trying to take me down. You can make me feel sad, hopeless and exhausted but I'm big pretender! I can just pretend that everything is okay. I can laugh out loud because I'm good at it. I know how to make myself happy and this is just the weapon that you can't take away from me. Get everything Importants to me, hurt me more but I can get by it, because I know how to heal myself, alone! Even if you stamp my back to grovel on your faces.
I can do this, I can do this!!! This is the chant that I always pray because it helps me in every battle that I fought. I'll be down for a minute - hell! It didn't even reach 15 seconds and I can stand up on my own because I'm brave, I know how to fight. I know how to manipulate everything even my brain. Why? Because I can! I can do it but it takes a lot of courage. Because once I decided there is no turning back anymore. I decide it, so I'll hold on to it! My life sucks but I love it this way, I mean this pretention.
The perks of having no one by your side, I can live my life the way I want it. Off course I also want someone who will fight for me in every battle of life. Someone who will give me the assurance that I'm on the right track and everything that I'm doing is good, it's cool that I am awesome and I'm doing a great job. But, I decided not to look for someone like that anymore. I don't want to get used into it, I know people in our life won't stay with us forever. I don't want to depend on them too much. I don't want to cry once they decided to bid their goodbye.
Sure they can stay for me longer, but I know myself. I will keep on hodling to you even if you throw me outside of your window. Give me a punch and I will never woke up in the truth that you'll soon leave me too. I'll keep on pestering you because I'm used to being with you. That's why I decided to never care about anyone anymore. I'm alone yes, I have no one but I'm just saving myself for a heartache that will land at me if I continue caring with anyone. Why life is like that right, they give us someone only to leave us too in end.
But it's okay, I'm not making it a big deal. I'm not bitter or what, it's just that, this is how I live my life, until today. Because of this I was able to survive those times that I was in pain, and had no one to ask for a hand. I Pretend that I'm okay, I pretend that I'm happy even if I'm really not. It become my strength that no matter how big this problems is, I will see to it, that at the end it will be solved. You know how hard it is to face our own demons alone but tru pretending, I can little by little grasp it.
I'm good at pretending, I can laugh in front of you to show what I want you to see, but I'm actually hurting. I can give a good laugh to you but in reality, I can't do that to myself. I'm not as strong as I portray to all of you. I am weak, I have lot of insecurities and I'm a big fat lier. I say the opposite of what I actually feel, but you can't never tell it because I'm a good pretender. It's better to hide it and cry on my on, that's what I thought is right for me. As I have no one beside me, I learned to fight my own battle and just move on?
All of us has our own way of coping up with every problems that we encounter. It can affect us mentally and we also have our own way to face it. We have different approach on how we can lessen it. Well, wala na akong masabi kaya let's cut it here.
How about you? Are you good in hiding what you truly feel to everyone? You don't want them to see you as a weak person, you don't want to burden them with your problems and you just want to resolve it silently, alone?
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July 17, 2021