Battling With A Monster In My Head

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Avatar for Jane
Written by
2 years ago

November 28, 2021

Pull me out from this drowning plane, it's taking over again. Despite the fine and bright weather out there, dark clouds are forming above me, and my day seems overcast. They don't seem to pave way for the sun so my way would be brighter. I felt like my shadow was pulling me down and pinning me to the corner of my darkroom, and I'm being stuck in the dark. It doesn't want me to escape from it even how hard I tried to.

Even if I forcibly step on the light and walk under the sun, it seems to be dark as the dark clouds are following me wherever I go, whatever I do. A monster seems to be forming inside my head again that I need to carry off as it might win the battle. This unending battle with my mind appears to be inevitable and I couldn't seem to end it. It keeps on coming every time dark clouds are looming over me and if I'm exhausted both physically and mentally.

During the silent hours, it seems to be noisier than the pub and so deafening. Then dark thoughts would start to trudge up to my head followed by a plethora of questions. "Am I good enough? What have I done to suffer these? Why do I keep facing this terrible monster?" Then the tears would pour down my face. They are the saddest of all.

The enthusiastic me seems gone now and I'm struggling to be back on track. I am not the same optimistic and productive person you have met before. A strong one gets tired as well and would fall on the ground at any moment. A lively and vibrant soul gets dull as well and would shatter into pieces if not fixed soon.

Even the positive thoughts I gave to others seem to be toxic as well. The toxic positivity as @Jeaneth called it. It's too easy to give motivation to others but too hard to motivate my own self. It's easy to write inspirational words for others but too tough to apply them to my anxious self.

It seem to be too easy to smile in front of others but I couldn't seem to smile in front of the mirror when facing myself. It's easy to say "haha, hehe" but seems hard to let it out of me. It's easy to pretend that I'm okay but later my other self would spank me and would tell me "don't fake it. Just shed tears and let it go!" Because it is easy to conceal my real emotion and hide behind the smiling mask on my face.

Did you even notice it? Of course, you didn't. Because all you can see is a happy Jane but deep inside is batting with the hideous monster inside my head. I've been there many times and it's tough to escape from it. And now I'm struggling to fight against it again and to win from it is still uncertain.

Even the escape I've been yearning for couldn't seem to be granted for some selfish reasons. The more I yearn for it, the more things get complicated and do not fall into how and where I wanted them to fall. I feel like I'll be stuck in this dark room forever, giving room for the monster to grow bigger. All I just want is to ignite my broken bones.

How could I totally eradicate this monster in my head? I don't want it to lurk in my head anymore and let it damage the remaining healthy cells left in my system. December is fast approaching and I should be excited about it but every time the dark falls and heard a Christmas song, the more I hate melancholy and the euphoric sense from it seems to fade. Extension, extension, I hate this visa extension. It makes me think pessimistically.

But @FarmGirl once said in her Friday takeaway, "Choose the books we read and the people we associate with."

This book appeared at my sight when I was finding something good to read. But something seems to stop me from reading it and until now, I am still not aware of its content or when will I open it. (Edited: I had read the first part of it.)

Interacting with optimistic people seems to be useless as well, even the shedding of tears doesn't make me feel better. And among all the different voices in my head that EyByoung has mentioned, it's the pessimist and emotional voices that are dominating. Someone says I am thinking too much. It's my health issues and extended contract that are stressing me out mentally.

Don't speak too soon and judge me. Just let me vent these out as I might feel better after.

I don't care about other things for now. All I want is to rest my mind and body.

Written this during my darkest day. You don't know the real situation of someone until he/she reached the limit and burst out. Not all positive posts and Sunday ramblings are happy. Mostly are made to divert my pessimistic mind. But I'm currently trying my best to get back on track. So pardon me for this rant.

I'll be better soon.

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2 years ago

Comments

All of us when we are in the situation where we can't understand our emotion we can't avoid being angry. Though i can advice to others but when it comes to me.. Hahaha i think masasabig na ulo ko.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Minsan din ate Jane nagiging demonyo din ako minsan kapag naiinis. Pero buti nalang talaga napipigilan ko din yung sarili ko. Ganyan talaga ang buhay ate di natin maiiwasan yan... Diko alam if paanon mang comfort ate di ako magaling dyan. Pero kung ano man po iyan sana po malampasan at maging okay lang po kayo.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Know that it's not a rant sis.. we all get to the point wherein we reach our limit of optimism, we're only human with beast in our head which is trying to get the best from us. It's good we have this platform wherein we can let out what we can't with our physical and immediate family and friends. We are all sending you our virtual hugs.

Glad you opened that book, hoping you will find some words to kill the beast.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I did.. And hoping to kill this soon

$ 0.00
2 years ago

We all have our monsters in our heads. But I look at it differently. If you have a red devil with horns in your head, you certainly have a white angel. They are always fighting, it is a hard fight. I hope the white angel in your head will defeat the red devil with the horns.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

i read the entire article and I would just want to send some virtual hugs... this too shall pass

$ 0.02
2 years ago

First of all, know and believe that this will be gone very soon. Accept what you are feeling inside, don't push too hard to feel good. Like you said, toxic positivity. Better let the sadness go away over time. I know you will feel better soon. You can see how people are supporting you. I hope this will make you feel a lot better. I pray for your peaceful mental health.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Thank you

$ 0.00
2 years ago

It's nothing wrong with those feeling because we are just human. When you feel the world go wrong, don't forget to bown down and pray. Lay and drop all your worries to Him and he will ease your pain

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Thank you

$ 0.00
2 years ago

It is caused by fear you must learn to defeat it cause if you don't defeat it would defeat youhttps://read.cash/@Captaintom/fear-how-to-defeat-it-cc4aceac

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Do not worry, you are a human, with needs, and our body is a machinery, but we cannot exploit it without measure. Take care, we want to have Jane for a long time.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Dear friend, I ask God to come to your aid. May he not allow you to dwell too long in darkness. For it does not matter much that you pass through the dark place but what matters is the time you stop in it. I ask your guardian angels to take you by the hand and bring you back to the light. I hope you will soon overcome your demons. God loves you and you are his most beloved daughter when you are saddened.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

we all have monster in our head and yes sometimes they're overpowering us, the fact that you've release these thoughts through writing is a good start for you to win this struggle. It's tiring and painful but I hope you'll be better sooner or later. God bless ate, kaya mo yan:))

$ 0.02
2 years ago

In this trying time, I'd like you to calm down and be able to put yourself together because it's not just your problem, we all in this together 😚

$ 0.02
2 years ago

It's okay to vent out through writing sis. I hope you are feeling better now. We all battle something dark at some point in life, but we gotta keep on yearning for the light and we'll eventually have it. Take care :)

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Nice one Jane... Nice to finally meet a fellow pessimist. But if I manage to forge ahead with pessimism, I find that I am usually unstoppable because I give whatever it is my all since I have nothing to lose... As I always say,,, the worst has happened in my head... I'm happy you're past your darkest times... Take care of you...

$ 0.02
2 years ago

It is true, we all see the cheerful Jane, but the fatigue you feel and those monsters in your head, are difficult to control. I have also felt tired. It has been almost 3 months in read.cash at full speed.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

I won't ask you what happen but I rather to say "You can make it". I believe that you can. It might be tough but never give up. Laban lang ☺️

$ 0.02
2 years ago

I hope you'll get better soon and come back stronger. Pause for a while..you can do it Jane πŸ€—

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Be strong po all of this will pass away, be a strong woman to face all fears. GODSPEED

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Many people also told that to me before that I am a jolly person, but deep inside I am dying already. Had enough of these pent-up emotions and its difficult to release them. I pray and hope that we'll walk out of this soon.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Why is your visa still extending? You should be allowed to rest at least. You sure need enough rest for yourself.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

I can support and give you some motivation but I am also the one suffering. Other people telling doesn't work. At least you have the confidence to speak up, unlike me suppressing emotions. Take Care. I think only time is solution.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

I commend your strength cause it does take a whole lot to share like this and I hope you get better soon enough. Lots of love from over here.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Stop thinking over. Relax yourself. Take a long nap and think positive. Over come on your emotions. Otherwise, if emotions become part of your personality then it would be negative impact on your body. Go for outing and take long breath slowly slowly exhale them. No worry this natural and we are human sometimes get exhausted from life. Stay calm and positive sister.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Ouch! Whatever it is sis I hope you'll find comfort..pray ka lang sis...Normal lang maging hindi OKAY paminsan minsan..but I knkw you're strong kasi kinaya mo nga na malayo sa pamilya..hanga ako sa mga katulad ninyong mga OFW ..sa lakas ng loob ninyo..

$ 0.02
2 years ago

It's okay to show your vulnerable side madam. If that's what you really feel, don't deny it. Face it and be brave for what's to come.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Your feelings are valid. There is nothing wrong to feel those feelings sometimes. Cry and be sad all you want until it hurts no more. Hugsss

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Take your time.. vent as you want. I'll recommend that at this times you should be by yourself. Interact with yourself. Ask yourself questions and wait for answers. Forgive yourself. I know this sounds weird but it works. Above all no one is perfect or without a flaw

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Some days are like that, putting it in my own shoes, I know how you're feeling right now. When you inclined to see the bright side , be t everything become blurry that you could not even see.

They say it's okay to cry, but sometimes you will wish to do more than a cry only if it will was Away the darkest part . Majority of times, you'll think of giving up because there's no signal of change. Not every wind comes to destroy, some came to blew away the sad moments we are passing through. Ma'am @Jane, just a little word to say ........ everything will be alright.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Di ko alam sasabihin ko Jane to console you.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Be strong, madam. Whatever that is, I know that you can fight it. Relate ako sa mga sinasabi coz ganyan talaga ata tayo. Basta fighting lang! Ano kaya maglaro tayo sa club. Trust me, mag eenjoy ka. Tatawa ka talaga.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Oh my, I don't know how or what to say as I might say something that might add to your monster. Maybe just IT'S OK NOT TO BE OKAY will do. Much love and virtual hugs to you Jane. πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Thanks te

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Just let those tears fall Ate. I really don't know what right comfort words I will tell kasi ganyan din ako kahit sabihin na okay lang pahinga mo lang yan ganito ganyan pero di eepek. Nararamdaman ko tuloy si mama ko sayo.

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Salamat.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

When everything becomes hectic, and too fast ... just slow down! Stop and take a step back, and watch everything from the outside. Scrap all the things that are not essential and then press play again and keep on being amazing!

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Thanks

$ 0.00
2 years ago