November 28, 2021
Pull me out from this drowning plane, it's taking over again. Despite the fine and bright weather out there, dark clouds are forming above me, and my day seems overcast. They don't seem to pave way for the sun so my way would be brighter. I felt like my shadow was pulling me down and pinning me to the corner of my darkroom, and I'm being stuck in the dark. It doesn't want me to escape from it even how hard I tried to.
Even if I forcibly step on the light and walk under the sun, it seems to be dark as the dark clouds are following me wherever I go, whatever I do. A monster seems to be forming inside my head again that I need to carry off as it might win the battle. This unending battle with my mind appears to be inevitable and I couldn't seem to end it. It keeps on coming every time dark clouds are looming over me and if I'm exhausted both physically and mentally.
During the silent hours, it seems to be noisier than the pub and so deafening. Then dark thoughts would start to trudge up to my head followed by a plethora of questions. "Am I good enough? What have I done to suffer these? Why do I keep facing this terrible monster?" Then the tears would pour down my face. They are the saddest of all.
The enthusiastic me seems gone now and I'm struggling to be back on track. I am not the same optimistic and productive person you have met before. A strong one gets tired as well and would fall on the ground at any moment. A lively and vibrant soul gets dull as well and would shatter into pieces if not fixed soon.
Even the positive thoughts I gave to others seem to be toxic as well. The toxic positivity as @Jeaneth called it. It's too easy to give motivation to others but too hard to motivate my own self. It's easy to write inspirational words for others but too tough to apply them to my anxious self.
It seem to be too easy to smile in front of others but I couldn't seem to smile in front of the mirror when facing myself. It's easy to say "haha, hehe" but seems hard to let it out of me. It's easy to pretend that I'm okay but later my other self would spank me and would tell me "don't fake it. Just shed tears and let it go!" Because it is easy to conceal my real emotion and hide behind the smiling mask on my face.
Did you even notice it? Of course, you didn't. Because all you can see is a happy Jane but deep inside is batting with the hideous monster inside my head. I've been there many times and it's tough to escape from it. And now I'm struggling to fight against it again and to win from it is still uncertain.
Even the escape I've been yearning for couldn't seem to be granted for some selfish reasons. The more I yearn for it, the more things get complicated and do not fall into how and where I wanted them to fall. I feel like I'll be stuck in this dark room forever, giving room for the monster to grow bigger. All I just want is to ignite my broken bones.
How could I totally eradicate this monster in my head? I don't want it to lurk in my head anymore and let it damage the remaining healthy cells left in my system. December is fast approaching and I should be excited about it but every time the dark falls and heard a Christmas song, the more I hate melancholy and the euphoric sense from it seems to fade. Extension, extension, I hate this visa extension. It makes me think pessimistically.
But @FarmGirl once said in her Friday takeaway, "Choose the books we read and the people we associate with."
This book appeared at my sight when I was finding something good to read. But something seems to stop me from reading it and until now, I am still not aware of its content or when will I open it. (Edited: I had read the first part of it.)
Interacting with optimistic people seems to be useless as well, even the shedding of tears doesn't make me feel better. And among all the different voices in my head that EyByoung has mentioned, it's the pessimist and emotional voices that are dominating. Someone says I am thinking too much. It's my health issues and extended contract that are stressing me out mentally.
Don't speak too soon and judge me. Just let me vent these out as I might feel better after.
I don't care about other things for now. All I want is to rest my mind and body.
Written this during my darkest day. You don't know the real situation of someone until he/she reached the limit and burst out. Not all positive posts and Sunday ramblings are happy. Mostly are made to divert my pessimistic mind. But I'm currently trying my best to get back on track. So pardon me for this rant.
I'll be better soon.
All of us when we are in the situation where we can't understand our emotion we can't avoid being angry. Though i can advice to others but when it comes to me.. Hahaha i think masasabig na ulo ko.