Because, I'm trying to be a better and stronger person

I told you that my depression attacked again to the point that I am ready to give up. I really hate feeling depressed but I can't stop myself to feel this. I really don't know what to do. I like to tell to my friends or virtual friends what I am feeling and what is my problem but I don't like to be a burden to them.

I like to publish an article and I tried to but my mind can't cooperate. My mind is floating in the air and my eyes just staring at the screen of my phone for how many hours and so, I decided to give up because i think, I can't expressed and or share my thoughts very well to my readers.

I promised myself not to have an absent this month but I didn't realized that I have 5 days absences already. Before I published this article, I slap myself- my both cheeks because I want to woke up from the reality. I need to wake up because if I will not, I think... I will experienced the consiquences and I don't like this month to be full of regret.

Where was I during the days that I am absent?

I am taking care of myself. Because It's hard for me to wake up, it's hard for me to woke up everyday knowing that my heart is heavy. I don't know but I am trying not to cry but everytime that I remember some negative thoughts, my eyes will cry again and I am very tired of it already.

I am drowning but I am fighting to save myself. I am just acting as if I am a happy person, i don't have a problem, that I am okay in the social media but no. I hide what I felt. I hide because I don't like to be a dramatic person and I am also thinking of some people who know me. But this time, I am sharing this to you because you don't know the real me. You only know me here and I trust you because you all are my bestfriends, my friends, my virtual family, and one of the most important to me because since when I started to published an article here about my life, you as my reader always comforts me and everytime thay I read your messages it always heal me and giving me a chance to live because you always motivates me.

Image Source: @kmitchhodge | Unplash

and you know that my depression became worsts when I have fought with my Grandpa? This was happened last Sunday, May 08, 2022 at the evening. My mind is blank that time and I can't think properly. Like I said, my mind is floating. We fought because of the reason that, they are not allowing me to hang out with my friends. Because my Sister noticed me last May 7, during the liga of the Basketball that I am with my friends. We planned to go to the other barangay to watched their Awarding night because they just finished their Liga but my Sister noticed me with them and so, she didn't allow me to be with them that time. I thought that it was okay with them to go out since, I am now an adult. I decided to make a permission to my Uncle Engr. To allow me to go with them but he didn't allowed me too.

To those people who don't understand why I like to hangout with my friends

Is because I want to have fun even if it's just a short period of time but they didn't allow me. People who are suffering depression like me needs to forget what they feeling by having fun with their friends, or to travel to distract our self from being locked in a cage.

But they didn't understand me. They deprived the time that should be my happiness. To give myself a space because everytime that I am here at this house, I...think i can't live anymore.

I fought with my grandpa that night because of one of the reason why I am depressed too. For the first time I voice out my thought. The one knife that was nailed to my heart. They pushed me to say it in front of them.

The reason why I fought to each other:

He knew what happened to the that night that my sister didn't allowed me to be with my friends. He told me when I am preparing to go out again to watched the awarding that what if I am going somewhere again with my friends, my friends that flirts and so I bursed out when I heared the words that he said.

So I told him that never judged my friends because they are a nice person and they are never became a bad influenced to me because it's my choice and decision to be with them. We are now a grown ups and we know what we always do and stop acting as if he care because he never cared for us he is just acting like that when my cousins is here at our house to make a scene again that I am like this and that. I am already get used to it and I even told to him the words that he said to me before that stabbed me to my heart and that is the line, "Anong pake ko sainyo ng ate mo ngay?" (What do I care to you and your sister?) And they never consider us as their grandchildren and they have a favoritism. If to me, they are always nag But if to my cousins, they are as if looks like a puppy being a nice grandparents.

That night, I even think of dying. I even told to my virtual friends that my depression level is 100 meaning that I can't controlled my emotions anymore.

But I am trying my best. I even put a smile permanent tattoo to my waist as a reminder that I should never cut my waist again just like what I did before. I am fighting for my life.

I'm sorry if I am being dramatic here. I am sorry if this article of mine today is just a nonsense article. I am sorry if I make you feel the feeling or emotions that you don't like. I don't know how I end this. I am just reminding you that I am fine and I am still alive. Lol

I will be back tomorrow being a better person but for now, I want to rest because i am still not okay. I also hoping that I can go out to take some fresh air because the aura here in our house is making me feel more in pain.

Again, Thank you for reading and being with me. I will read your articles when I am fine and healed already. Thank you for your understanding everyone!

My Previous Articles:

Little but Useful things!

Because I prefer new places, new people, new changes!

My Experiences while watching 'Liga'

My Twenty Five days of blogging

Reasons why I didn't Continue applying skincares