10/12/2021
Listening to my favorite classical music playlist, while letting my fingers move wherever they want, writing letters into words, words into phrases, phrases into sentences, sentences into paragraphs, paragraphs into a BLOG.
Another freewrite Tuesday, as I have no prepared formal article for today. Let me just write whatever comes to mind..
Mind, mine is exhausted right now. Nothing much to think about actually, and I guess thats okay, because when I try to think, loads of thoughts suddenly pile up, as if I have open a forbidden Pandora's box. I don't want to dwell with grief and pressure, not tonight. I want to sleep well.
Well. Definitely not I am feeling nowadays. I feel that I am just breathing these days, letting each day pass by, still doing my best to make each one count, so I'd have nothing to regret. I am not happy, but that does not mean I'd let myself become in a miserable state. Missing someone is such a torture, especially when I can't show it openly. I can't understand. I have been used to not expressing how I feel, but now it feels restricting that I had to keep myself from showing my longing for my kitten. It's like it's a forbidden topic, even when it's not. Specific things easily make me angry, and there's always that feeling of making a mess out of myself, like yelling, being annoyed of everything. But I am thankful that so far, I can still hold it in, aside from that short, yet loud yell I released at the clueless cat earlier. Not Mia, her mother. I hate myself for getting mad whenever I see Mia's mother. I know I should not be, but I still do. I have to take a breath of fresh air to be fine again.
Again. And yet again. After a few moments of happiness, sorrow is meant to visit again. Life is like this, I've always known this, but I can't seem to get used to this fact. I am unusually lethargic these days. I know I got proper sleep time these days, but I still feel sleepy. I just want to sleep these days. Like, for a whole day. I want that. I think sleeping it all away would make me feel better. Right now, I am having the urge to sleep. It's funny.
Funny. I wish I came across something funny today. Or maybe I did, but I did not find it to be one. I am coping better, because I am not crying anymore. It's just a sad, empty feeling inside, that only my darling could fill. I updated my cover photo on a sns account of mine, and I think I'll keep it forever there. There is still hope that I would see her. Even if she may not recognize me, it's okay. As long as I am assured she is alive, healthy, and has people that takes good care of her. I wish I have a way to know that. Even just in a dream.
Dream, I had one last night, and it's a weird one again. It's hard to explain, but I saw that familiar tall house or apartment, should I say, which is still in progress. I saw that again, I am sure it's not a first to see that construction in my dream last night. I don't remember when's the first time, but I just know it's familiar. There's also this raging river that separates me from that construction in progress, and other things I saw that I really find difficult to describe. I wish we could take a photo or video of our dreams, so we could let others visualize it. I will surely look for my dream meaning after this one.
One. One more day, and I think my salary will be ready as early as tomorrow. To be honest, it's the only thing that's giving me sparks of excitement nowadays. Or, maybe I was just forcing myself, too. Whatever. I figured I should buy to replenish some of the skin care products I use, and some stuff online (that I may or may not really need). Anyway, my favorite piece is playing right now. What's your favorite classical piece?
Piece. I want a piece of cake. Or burger. Oh, and a piece of ice cream. Maybe that would make me eat well. I have very little appetite, too, since last Sunday. I still eat because there are still hours I get hungry. And I should not let myself starve even I don't have the will to eat. I claim that it's just in my mind. Hopefully, I could buy myself some nice ice cream tomorrow, or a hotdog sandwich, maybe. I am sometimes weary of eating rice.
Rice. Hmmm.. My hands stopped typing, and I was lost in a trance, as if it went blank for a few seconds. What should I talk about rice? LOL. Rice, egg, and chicken adobo, it is my lunch earlier this afternoon. It's mom's cooking, so it surely is delicious. The rest of the afternoon at work today went fine, because I made myself busy with many things, and I also wrote a lot. Going home after work, I was with my two colleagues traveling in similar destinations, and we are always going home together, a trio. I slept while traveling until home without worries, because I know someone will wake me up when I get to my destination. Sleep is life.
Life. Life is hard. I guess it's not life when we take out the word "Difficult" in it. We can't really control how life works in us, but what we can control is our reactions to it. The good way to not give up is to dance along life. To accept that hardships are meant to come and hurt us, and those dilemmas are not permanent. As long as there's life, there's hope. It's a really famous saying in our country, Philippines. I am 99% sure pretty much of us Filipinos here knows it.
"Habang may buhay, may pag-asa."
A hope-filled Tuesday!
I wanted to end this blog with a hopeful note. Everything may seem dark for you and me, and that it feels impossible to reach the end of this tunnel.
But I hope, that like what I always try to do, we'll still always find ways to be grateful. To not let heartbreaks stop us from going forward. I know it's hard because I am in that stage right now. It's hard, but it's worth it.
We can do it. Give me a high five!
Thanks for reading, until next time!
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"Tell me of a love that doesn't drown in sorrow, that doesn't decay, that doesn't die. Tell me of a love that does not wither with time. At the end he dried my tears and told me: love without pain does not exist"... I read this a long time ago and I liked it. When I read your sentence: "As long as there is life, there is hope" I wanted to share it.