Easier Said than Done.. It's true.
03/13/2022
Now, I actually experienced the difficulty of what I used to tell my friends as an advice. I actually know it, yet it hits harder when I had a taste of it myself.
"Open up, and try to be more honest. I am sure they will understand."
No. I now agree. I now realized why they find it hard to apply what I always say. It's really easier said than done.
Now, I discovered this unsettling feeling that they won't. They won't understand even when I tell my side. So it's better to shut up. I understood its reality just today. It happened to me.
She always tells me to pursue something. It's something I used to be so passionate about. Over time though, the fire eventually died out. I find sparks no more. I don't see it as something I'd pursue in the later years of my life. I don't like to go that path anymore.
She did not get the memo. It's reasonable because I did not tell her yet. I was not able to. I always have the time and convenience to, but I just could not find the courage to. Man, it's hard.
It's hard to pursue someone else's dream. And I always told myself to not do that. But reality comes by and slaps me with the fact that it's really easier claimed than applied. I am quite embarrassed of myself. It's hard to admit, but this is my reality now.
I just grow silent and neutral whenever she opens the topic. I could not say no, but I made sure to not affirm. So, she does not know a thing. Yet, she always tells me to strike while the fire is hot. That I should do this while there is still a chance, while I am still young. Opportunity knocks on a limited basis only. She's right.
However, for the love of cookies and chocolates.. what if, I just don't wanna do it anymore? It'd be nice if I could just straight up tell her that I don't want to go that far anymore. That I am already contented with what I have, and will just do things, and make decisions according to how I want it. But no. I know she'll not like that. She'll not accept it.
Look how judgmental I have become. Somehow, I've become someone with psychic powers who could already tell someone's possible reaction. I know there is a possibility opposite of my own guess, but my own system is freakin' convinced of the ending I made myself.
It's hard when I was accustomed of keeping things to myself. It's harder when I try to be real and open about it. It's difficult to be stuck between two choices, what I want vs. what she wants, (a.k.a, what's better for me in reality). I can't choose because I know in myself she is indeed right.
But what can I do, when I know too well that it's not what my heart desires? To be honest, I am still not sure of what I want. So I'd most probably just go along others' "suggestions" and just be thankful if I got lucky in life. This is messed up. My history just always repeats like this. It's exhausting. You know what I mean? It just happens all the time. I got used to it already, but that doesn't mean I don't grow sick of it.
I want to be loud and obey my heart. But how can I, when I can't find the confidence to even share it openly? How can I, when I am not even confident of the results if ever I follow my own plans?
These times just aggravate my envy for those people who could show their feelings without much worries. Those who are definitely sure of what they want and do not want. Those who are so confident of themselves, that they'll achieve whatever they want if they put their mind and heart to it. I envy them. And I am always working to be like them. How better life would be if I were like them. What do you think?
I am confused right now. Don't worry, I am not letting these chaotic train of thoughts drown me, like how I did before, being the overthinker that I am. This time, I won't deny it anymore. I naturally think about things more than how they should be thought of, and I know it's not a desirable habit. I don't want to call it a habit, because first of all, I don't want to do this. It just naturally comes, and I struggle on driving it away on certain times.
My only solution is to just try to brush it off, by doing other things instead. You know, tomorrow exists for a reason. These worries can come visit me next day again. For now, let me think about other stuff (hopefully good ones). I use this strategy, and fortunately, it works.
Please tell me if what I am doing is wrong or not healthy. I am open for suggestions, you might help me solve this issue of mine. Thanks in advance!
I also pray, of course, and always, always convince myself that I am okay. That everything shall pass, even if I do or not do something about it. Fake it 'til you make it, I used to not agree with this saying, but now I find it effective to myself.
These are my random scribbles for today, and thanks for coming this far. I am thankful that even I don't have someone I can openly share this sensitive stuff about myself, at least I can breathe it through writing it out. I am really grateful, really.
Hopefully, my succeeding articles will be happier ones. Until next time! I love you!
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To GOD be the glory.
There is always a consequence if we open up. Some will understand and some will not but what matters are those who will.