The Old Self Is Gone
Blog #149
February 04, 2022
Life is full of turns. Sometimes those turns that we experience could give or make a negative impact on ourselves that leads us to do some negative things.
Way back in 2011, an unexpected thing happened in my life where I receive lots of judgment from the people around me.
Some may not say it directly to me but as I passed by them, I hear some hurtful judgment from them that creates scars in my heart.
Some may not utter words but with the way they look at me, I then know that deep inside themselves, they are judging me with what happened to me.
Others directly said it to me and that really made me look down on myself. That leads me to blame myself for the thing that I did. That clouded my mind with so many negative thoughts and lead me to do a wrong act. And that was to attempt suicide.
My old self was a weak one. Small things made me feel down. Words from other people can bring out the weak side of me and the worst thing is I let it occupy my whole being for a long time. I don't even fight for it. I just cried and cried until I have no more tears to cry on.
I remember one time, in our neighborhood, there was a certain place where we can stay if we want to. Every time I have a problem, I usually go there and look towards the sea. On my left side, I can see the bridge where many cars and jeeps were passing by. While looking at it, a negative thought entered my mind. It told me to go up there and jump so I would end the misery that I was experiencing. Many times I thought of it while my tears were continuously flowing down my cheeks.
But I thank God that after how many months of being in that situation, I learned to be strong. I learn to ignore what people think of me, though there was still the weak side of me, slowly I overcome it and hide it deep down in myself.
My old self was full of negativity. So many negative thoughts that I entertained. Those prevent me from thinking of the good things that happened around me. Those hinder me to let myself be happy at that moment. Those prevent me from discovering things that I am capable of.
My old self followed the opinions of others. Many times I listened to others because what I thought before was it was for my own sake but little did I know those only caused me to lose myself. Those slowly lose my voice and my opinions on some matters. That made me think that I was born useless.
My old self didn't know how to fight for her right. I sometimes let others fool me. I let them use me for their sake and the worst feeling that I felt at that time, it's the feeling that I am just a nobody.
Remembering that old self of mine made me proud of myself today. I am proud of who I become because of those experiences that I have. I am happy that I am now free from it. Free from those negative thoughts though I still have a little of it right now, it isn't like before that almost all of myself are occupied by it.
I am free from letting others' opinions dictate my life. As of the moment, I learn to be me. To be who I am without minding people who will like me or not. I can now say, this is my life and I am the only one who will rule it.
The old self that is full of negativities is now gone and I am happy to see the new me who keeps stronger each day.
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While reading this article of you ma'am BCH_LOVER, I can't avoid myself to cry because I also experienced committing suicide whenever I felt like I am all alone, and I doubted what I am capable too. The moment, I feel like I am useless in our family I can't help but think about quitting, and suicide always comes to my mind first.
Words I heard from others as well, that cause a lot of pain inside me, hinder me to do things that I am capable of. Like before, I know how to sketch or draw, but now I doubted myself because I let those words haunt me. But of course, I wanted to be like you, to surpass what you have surpassed. I have not yet let go of my old self, because I always overthink what may other people say if I do this, or I do that. Like, I can fight back for now. Hoping that one day, I will be no longer weak.
Anyway, I am making a drama here, but of course, I love this article of yours. I am amazed that you handled well that negativity. Stay strong and be brave and God bless you more po.