The beep of my alarm stop me from glaring into nothingness. I didn't really sleep laat night because of her. I can't still erase those words that she said to me. I feel like I was stabbed by a million needles because of what she said. It's really sad that it has to end it that way. She just throw away our 2 year old relationship like it's nothing. I guess she doesn't really love me.
Three years ago, I don't really have the plan to love anybody else. I don't think someone will ever gonna love me. I'm an introverted guy and I hate going outside and talk to everyone else. I feel exhausted just doing it. I prefer my aloneness that I had before. But everything change when I let her in to my door. It's not because I like her but because she's annoying.
She's so consistent in pestering me that's why I just let her in. At first, I'm just indulging her and I thought she will give up eventually. But it didn't happen. Instead I feel something toward her that I never thought I'm capable of feeling. It's something new and I don't really know what to react. I mean, it's really new to me and I got scared coz I feel it is too much for me.
But, in the end I just accepted this feeling and started a relationship with her. It's the best feeling that I ever had. I can't really take everyone's presence but with her. It came naturally, the chemistry is there, the fire that I never knew I will feel and the love. My heart beats only for her and Everytime that she's close to me, I feel like a crazy man I just love her.
Everything is good and smooth, but the only problem we encounter is I can't face her whole family. She said it's okay, that she can wait but - doing it is impossible for me. I really want to, I tried my best but nothing good come out. I really want to meet her family so much. You know bond with them like a normal boyfriend would do. But I'm not really normal.
Even if I want to this feeling, anxiousness and fears that they might say something to me is what's stopping me. I can't really take it, my mind is the problem. This is the only problem that we had in our relationship. You know, once I know someone I can't stop my mind from thinking that they are bad mouthing me. And I'm afraid I will do that to her family
I hate myself for being like this but this is me. The only person I can face is her, only her. I am so thankful that I meet her and get to experience the life with her. But this beautiful thing that we have, has to end. I once promise to myself that I will never let this painful feeling again eat my system. But I'm feeling it again. It's partly my fault coz I let her in.
If only I can turn back time. I will build a strong defense for my heart so that she can't easily break in. I didn't even put an effort to stop her back then. It's maybe because I find it amusing that there is actually one person who want me in their side. Me, the boring guy, has his own world and doesn't really give a damn about the others. That's my life before her. I should've just stick into it.
Now I'm stuck and back to being a lonely guy. "I miss you baby, but it hurts."
"Let's break up! I don't love you anymore and you won't meet my Mom and Dad - I mean my family and they are so sick with your excuses. I can't cover you anymore sorry. Okay I'm trying to understand you but - you're making it so hard. I don't know what to do anymore. Please understand."
This scene where I'm in front of him telling those lies just keep on playing on my head like a broken disk. I didn't mean any of those. I just had to say those words to spare him from more pain. I love him too much and the only solution I can think of is this. He will never know about this. He'll surely not gonna like this.
It's not on the plan but I also learn to love him and it's not right. It should be just a game but why do I have to love him. I shouldn't really go in this, if only. Yes this is all just a game. My friends started this and I'm also in it. Now I'm blaming my self for putting myself in this kind of situation. Coz I learn to love him too.
He's an aloof guy who don't talk much just like a mute. And my friends who love messing around think of this ridiculous game. And me is the one they challenge in exchange of $100,00o. Who will reject that offer right. And it's just a game, pure game no monkey business just like that. And they make it more challenging by dressing me up like a girl.
They thought if it because they already saw me wearing a make up and dress. Blame my sister fir this, this is all her fault tsk. My sister even show my picture to one of them which is her boyfriend. At first they thought I'm just a random girl coz, not to brag but I really look like a girl when dressed up. And my body is not that big so I can pass as a girl to whoever see it
I'm a man, but now I'm not really sure anymore. Should I beg him to accept me and get back with him? Or? Nahh, this is till not right. Why it is so wrong but it feels so right? Why love has to be that complicated? I'm fvcked up!
Hahahahahaha, Oh Gosh. How crazy my mind can get seriously this is not the kind of ending that I want. But because of the movie I watch just a while ago, I thought of a twist but not really twisted. It's just a crazy one hahahaha. I know it doesn't make any sense haha. But this is the last part. I don't know if it has sense to you but hahahaha, I just can't stop myself from laughing. I just remember Millet who become a stone at the end of her story hahahaha. I don't know if you read it already, but I publish it like a month ago, hahahaha.
So let's get crazy y'all!!!
September 12, 2021