Why do I feel, I am late?

This month is really the worst month for me. Aside from looking at the market and my portfolio, Looking at my social media accounts makes me say that "I am also disappointed to myself".

I am writing this one even if the Date of Confession's day is already passed. Can I write a confession? Because I have a lot of thoughts on my Mind and I feel like my heart is heavy.

To be honest, entering to this makes me wonder if I did choose the right choice. Because until now, I just have or hodling Bitcoincash and I don't have any progress yet

• I just help my Mom paying the bills, I just cash out some money and let it to my Family.

but All of the dreams, plans, and goals that I am writing here and shared to everyone was not achieved until now.

The first time that I write here, I have the mindset that i will become more better than the people who dragged me down or looked to me being low than them. Saving Bitcoincash can makes me feel that I am greater than them but One day, it changed my perspective.

After seeing those My Days and posts of my Former classmates. Many people greeted them with the words I hate hearing the most, 'Congratulations!', 'I'm so proud of you anak!', 'You did great!'. Back when I am still a Kid, Those words are the words that I wanted to hear to my parents-to my Family.

To those students and soon to be graduated this year that are here, I onced have a dream just like you

Image Source: https://unsplash.com/@napr0tiv

I also have something to write and answer to elders to the question if What I wanted to be in the future. I also imagine myself helping my Parents with the profession that I choose. The feeling of Happiness having a dream, I still remember those. How can I forgot those? I am so very happy while telling in front of everyone what I wanted to be. Explaining in front of everyone the dream I wanted to achieve once I grow up wearing smile on my face and bring me a laughter because of how my Classmate tease me about it. The joy of the past.

I often say to my Previous articles, that I don't have a dream... But to tell you the truth, that is just an Excuse. Because, when my Mom can able to communicate with us before when she bought her own Mobile Phone. I saw how many things changed to her. She looks so thin. She is not the same because I remember how beautiful and healthy she was when I was still a Kid.

• That's the reason why I pretend that my pencil broke when I attend to free tuition that time so that I can't passed. I did that because I don't like to be a burden to her shoulders anymore.

Not only that, When she go home last 2018 and we go to the airport to pick her. I can't even recognized her. I can't believe what she experienced tough situations on her life because of us and until now, I am blaming my self as a daughter because I failed to take care of her beautiful hands. When we are at the Bus, I can't stop holding her thin hands, rough and a lot of wrinkles on her skin and look to her face when she was sleeping right beside me. It was hurts so much to cried...silently.

That's why, I pretend that I don't have dream. I pretend because I was scared that one day...We are the reason why she will be sick and I am scared that I might lose her because of Me even though, I want to study like others. I want to experience being in the University, Hanging out outside the University with new people and laughed as if we are not problematic to our Activities, Assignments, Quizes, Exam, and Profs and more importantly, I want to Take a Graduation Picture with My Mom and wearing my Toga. I Will whisper to her ears, 'Ma, Thank You for rising me well.' As a reason for her to smile to the camera.

But I can't do that. I surrender all of my Dreams. Because I can't imagine myself using her Money from her sufferings. I don't like to be the Child that I can sleep well, eat well, I can laugh. How can I laugh when my Own Mom is in the other country, cleaning the toilet of other people? I don't like that. Everytime that I ask her if she is eating? She always answer me with yes, and she show me a cup of noodles and egg. How can I accept that?

That's why... I choose not to attend to the School and giving this opportunity to be here, All I can say is. I am still Grateful because I have something to do to help my Mom.

But Why?

When I saw some pictures of my Former classmates wearing their Graduation Pictures, their Uniforms, The Post of their Parents congratulating them makes me feel Jealous?

I realized that... Even if I have Bitcoincash, It is not enough reason to brag

That's why, I am being humble to everyone about it. I realized yesterday while looking at my Bestfriend Mom's Post congratulating her and how proud she is to her. I feel like, It is a big slap to my both cheeks. Because, I wasted my four years doing nothing. I don't have even a job. I don't have savings. I am still here at my Grandparents House and my decisions are still depends to them.

Looking at the Market, I don't know if I have a future to this. Maybe, Someday but not now because of how dip it is and we can't predict if what will happen.

So the lesson and advice of some people is right that We can't keep relaying to this Platform for everything because they are right, we should still do something to make our dream come true not just only to trade, to invest, or anything that we are doing in crypto currency. We should still study well, Find a decent job, and everything to help us to achieved our dreams.

The Idea of not Studying is to make my Mom to save, to enjoy her life, and to give her some rest even if my Grandma wants me to study last year. She is telling me to Study again because I am wasting my year. But I said,

"No and just let me work and help my Mom build her House first before I will problem my own. I don't like to study using her Money. I don't like to be cause to her problem anymore. Besides, the Course and my dream that I wanted... We can't afford it. So just forget it."

As you know, My dream is to become a Architect and Engineer. I really like to be either of those two. Because I really love designing, I like to draw house. I like to build and fix something from my own hard work.

Am I late?

That is the question that Comes to my Mind after looking to those pictures and posts. While typing these words that I am saying from the beginning of my article, I can't deny that I cried a lot. But, I also laughed because of the thought that I am already 22 years old soon but here I am still cry like a Baby. What I can't believe is when my Grandma get inside of my Room and saw me Crying and she asked me Why I am crying? but then, I don't like a Drama and just lied. So I answered her that The K-drama that I am watching a while ago makes me cry because of the sad scene of the two lovers. My gosh!

Back to the question if I am Late? The answer is No. Even if I a jealous to them because they are finally near to their dreams. Besides, I did that to make my Mom rest and look at her now. She can even go out with her boyfriend, She can go to the Salon and take care of her Hair and Skin. She can even go to the SPA and relax. She can take a picture and show me that she bought and wearing her new jewelries, new clothes, shoes, and bags.

That's it! That is what I wanted her to do. To spend her life will full of laughter, and she is wearing bright smile. I loved to hear her laugh when I tell some corny jokes or when she also did the same and when she is teasing me or she always want to annoy me during her break time. That's made me smile.

Who would like or love to see suffer their parents? I can't bare my Mom suffering and problematic because of me. What's wrong if I will be delay to my dream? Besides, It's not too late yet. Achieving dreams are not rush and it is not a race. What's matter the most to me right now is to help my Mom first while I am still young. She will turn 40 soon and I should do something for her to not being problematic once that she will retired to her Work.

Conclusion...

I am more feel comfortable when I saw her staying at her own room that I build for her and just sitting on the sofa and watching her favorite movies or dramas in TV.

It doesn't matter to me if I can or I can't able to make my dream come true. There are still some opportunities to come anyway and I believed God. For me, I don't mind what will other people say. All of the decent Jobs that you saw everywhere are fair anyway. Any work has their own roles and they can still working and served each other. I don't really dream of becoming rich. I just like to live in a simple life as long as my Mom is on my Side that's what the real dream of mine.

Thank you for reading!

My Previous articles:

How's your life at the age of Thirty, Nine?

Can you respect a woman who lost her Virginity?

What Flavour is your Love?

What SmartBCH tokens I hodl right now?

I look for something what I deserved