Quit talking, You are not important!

Why is my life so miserable? Why do I deserve this kind of treatment from other people? Why am I weak, and I can't even defend myself?

All I want to do is to live peacefully. All I want is to have someone who can understand and accompany me because I've never had that before. Many people say that talking with someone who doesn't know you can help you and give you some advice. That's why I got used to using social media to find some people who I can be comfortable with and who can make me feel special and loved, even though I don't feel like using it because I used to distance myself from everyone—I got used to being alone and being unloved by many people.

Bullying is what I hate the most. How many times do I need to cut my waist and attempt to hang myself? How many times do I need to feel broken and emotionless? It hurts that I can't breathe properly because of it.

I know this blog of mine today is dramatic again. Maybe some people who have a strong heart and can face the battle will hate reading this because it's a negative scenario. Especially those people who love to live.

Writing this wants me to say, "I'm sorry." I'm just a person who is sick of living in this kind of world. I'm sorry if I can't meet your expectations as a person.

Maybe I deserve this kind of treatment because I'm not like them. I prefer to be alone because no one can understand me. I prefer to be a simple person who just stays inside of the room. That's nice! What's new? It is as if this is new to me, but it is not.

Image Source: @quinterocamilaa | Unplash

You know, there are many times that I just want to lock myself in a "mental hospital" because, there, it is the safest world for me. No one will hurt me. No one, just me. I would prefer to stay there forever and have my own world—a world that is far different from this experience and reality. I couldn't hear or not even be aware of these shitful things that always happened to me.

I have a weak heart. Even the simple words of someone will trigger my depression and anxiety. I can't even defend myself against other people because I don't know how to bully or hurt someone. Because I know the feeling.

I'm just living right now, not because I want to live forever, but because I promised my mother that I would fulfill her wish. Maybe if I die, I should have the right savings for my funeral.

There's this person I met on Discord. This person is good at advising people. Maybe his words may hurt you and slap you back to reality, but those are just words that can heal you and correct your mistakes. That's why I chose him to talk to about the reality of my life. I was so happy during the days that I talked with him. I was grateful because I thought there was already someone who could comfort me because he is a doctor.

But I think I picked the wrong person. It is funny because that is just my imagination and a hopeless thought that someone will understand me. Because I thought that it was okay for him to talk with him, but his words last night made me embarrassed in front of everyone. Who am I, by the way? In particular, his time is precious. And those words caused me to be hit and stabbed more than 100 times, as well as a sense of déjà vu. I'm just a waste of time.

That's why I left. I left because I don't like to force myself to fit into their world, and I am also thinking of quitting writing and publishing. because, like they said, I am narrow-minded. They are right because I am not good at everything. I don't have talent, I am not good at speaking English, and I don't feel like writing again. I just... want to rest, stop breathing, and sleep forever.

I dreamed last night, a scenario of many people laughing at me. I couldn't sleep properly because it was too loud. I couldn't say "help" because, obviously, there was no one who would come and save me.

I woke up today. Emotionless. I stared at the ceiling until I decided to write these final words. I guess this is my final goodbye. I want to quit social media. I want to quit talking to anyone.

I don't like anyone's time to be wasted just because of someone like me. I'm scare to talk with anyone now.

Well, this blog of mine explains why I am not active and I guess I need to explain it to some people who care about me if there really are some.

This is just a nonsense blog. HA-HA I will not make this any longer as it is not important. It is just a simple word from my mind, and I don't even know if I wrote it right.

Thanks for reading!

My Previous Articles:

I was invited to the 7th birthday!

Buying Equipments for blogging about make up tutorial

What weird or useless talent do i have?

Is it Mandatory or Not to wear School Uniforms to School?

I'm alive but my soul was died