I'm alive but my Soul was died after that

Animals are not ONLY pets. People say that it's easy for us to change them when they will died and nowhere to be found. But for us, as a Human who cares about them, they are not only pets. They are a Family, as we considered them as our bestfriend, one of the most important in our life that we can't afford to lose.

They also have souls, they have feelings, they have their hearts that pump blood like ours and feel what we can feel.

Today, As what you noticed, I am not that active since yersterday. Because, I don't know what to do anymore as one of the important and i love the most was gone. I didn't expect and i am not prepared. And thinking about that pains and killing me becauss it's my fault why it was happened.

Flashback days from July 8, I decided to go in my Sister's boyfriend house where she lived. I plan to stay there Until my birthday. Deciding to go there is okay i think at that moment. I want to go there with him but, I can't because, it's a disaster and it's not good for him to stay there.

Living him here at our Grandparents place is a safer place to him as he can go wherever he likes to go and do whatever he want as being stubborn one. But...

I didn't expect that i made a wrong decision. I thought he will be fine without me. I thought he will be okay if i will be gone for days. I thought he will be okay if i leave him to them but that is just only a thought because, when I just got home, he is the first that my eyes wants to see and my loud voice calling his name but no one show up. I have a bad feeling about it but i neglected it and just think possitive that he is just gone for looking female and maybe he is not home because of it but... they said that he can't eat properly when i was gone. He is always in the top and looking for me. Going inside of my room and in the guess room sleeping and waiting for me to come home until his body became weaker for days and can't climb anymore.

After hearing those words, I couldn't think straight. My mind become blank and my heart pumps faster because i'm nervous and hoping that i am not right. So, I go everywhere and look for him because i wanted to know if they are telling the truth and they are just joking that I can still able to find him and hold him. But...

Roaming around, I found him in the back of our house he was...laying on the ground and his body is thin and he is not breathing anymore. Looking him at that state makes my knees became weak and i fall in the ground and hold his cold arms. It's hard for me to breath because it's pains me, it's hurts and i couldn't talk what i want to say.

Until tears falling into my cheeks and I started to cry harder and doesn't care if the loud sound of my cry will be heared me in the other town.

As you can see, yes, I am talking with my first male cat which is Zebra. Maybe, some of you knew about him as i always shared and happy to introduce him to you and he became part of my journey in this platform since last year.

(A/N: Please play the music while watching the GIF that I uploaded below to feel my pain)

I couldn't do anything but to stare at him...lifeless. I'm always calling his name and tell him that I am finally home. He can now cling to me, he can now stay beside me, he can lay in the top of my tummy, he can now meow a lot of times in a day. I can give whatever he want a fish, meat, and cat food that i always gave to him when i have some money.

I can't count if how many times did I cried in his dead body, doesn't care if they call me crazy because it's only a cat and i can still find a new one but... they can't understand my feelings at all. They can't understand How I am hurt during that time and i didn't care the people around me as I am looking in front of me, emotionless. I didn't know if how many hours I am like that because i think... it's just a dream and it's not real. I am hoping that it is just a prank because I don't want him to be gone even though i am aware that his life is just a borrowed life and it can happen in the future but why it is early?

Until now, I am blaming myself for what happened. If only i can turn back time, I will stay here with him and never leave him alone. If only... i didn't celebrate my birthday there and stay here with him... this is never happen and he will still here with me.

I don't like to wake up you know because i am hoping that he will show up in my dream. That i was with him because when I woke up, my eyes will just look everywhere and his favorite spot.

I'm still not okay. I can't eat properly and i couldn't sleep properly too. As you see, I am trying but everytime that i remember him, my energy of eating and talking, I can't. I lost my appetite and I don't deserve to be alive.

Actually, I don't like to open this and i don't like to write about what happened to him but I guess, I need to because you knew about him and some of you adore him in my previous article where he was there.

What's hurts me the most too is when i grab the shovel to dig soil for his grave. I choose the spot in the garden of my Grandma in the back of my room so that, Everytime that I am sad and missing him, I just look in the window outside where the butterflies is and a lot of beautiful flowers around him. I always visit his grave too and give some of his favorite snack which is the cheese cake that i bought after i go home.

I am planning to buy a cement btw because i want to ingrave his name there.

I don't know how to end this blog as I can't think properly and clearly. I am planning to be away for days to move on and make my mind and feelings clear and I hope i can still do it. I am trying to be alive again even though, my soul died after that day when I realized that he was gone in my life.

My Previous Articles:

Lists of Hive communities that suit my preferences and abilities

My Family forgot it was my birthday today

How was the feeling of being a first time user in Hive?

Let's play lotto scratch cards!

I want to spend my $40 because of this reasons