10/27/2021
I thought everything's almost over. No, not yet, life said. It still has lots of battles in store for me.
It must be a season to test me. Struggles come one after the other, and it's more mental and emotional that financial. And I feel that it manifests physically.
Maybe it's the side effect of the anti-biotics I took for a week. Many parts of my skin are itchy, and rashes are evident everywhere. It's kinda bothersome, but okay. The toothache is gone, hopefully, for good. My gums are still bleeding though, on occassional brushing. But it's also okay. Just today, my nose feels runny. Probably seasonal colds.
I want to curse the wind. When will this end? I am tired of the meds. I am sick of feeling sick. I just want to be okay, like.. really OKAY. It's so hard to conceal the runny nose at work, but I still do it, because I know they can be cautious, and I'd be sent home. I hate what's happening.
I can't see any light yet, in this road I am taking. I am getting weary of walking—everything just seemed against my desire of being happy. I guess my immune system has weakened lately, judging from these stuffs I've been feeling. I already miss that feeling when I am genuinely fine, and not worrying much about stuff.
Now, it's so noticeable that this sufferings do not end yet. I wonder, did I do wrong? Am I being punished for whatever I did?
I slept with a heavy heart, and troubled mind. It's hard to find peace when I am feeling sad and dramatic. I honestly felt lazy to even pray, because I just want to lay down in complete silence. My mind is blank, or at least I made it to be, and I knew I just wanted a peaceful sleep. It's tough to sleep with a stuffy nose.
I want to whine at the stars. Maybe they are now placed together against me, so these things are happening. Nothing's making me happy nor excited nowadays. I just wake up, breathe, work, wish for the day to end so I could come home, eat, sleep, and repeat. It's like a programmed robot who wants to be deactivated badly.
I don't like any of this. It's so exhausting. This is so not me.
This morning, I woke up early dreaming of something about fire and explosion, and searched for its possible meaning. All I know was, I was filled with anxiety when I woke up. Anyway, the meaning I found corresponded to my state as of the moment, so before finding way to sleep again, I uttered a short prayer.
Came minutes before six, and I woke up for the second time, due to the alarm. All the next minutes are spent with me praying sincerely, casting all my worries and complaints to God. I know I am only human, and have no power to overcome these overwhelming battles alone. I know I need Him, and in Him nothing's impossible. The worries I have for my family, how ugly my present life has become, and just how unwell I am feeling. I let it all out, without filter, just a raw expression of how I feel at the moment.
All I knew was, I felt better after the prayer. Somehow, I try to look forward and hope that today will be a happy day. I'd receive a good news, our family will be blessed, we 'll be healed from all physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sicknesses.. That joy will prevail amidst the sufferings. For peace and enthusiasm to win over negativities. That we'll all be completely healthy in all aspects of our lives. And more.
Let thy will be done, Father. I know something's wrong with me, and I am lifting it all up to You. There is nothing You don't know. There is nothing You can't fix. I might consider myself broken, but only You can fix me and make me whole again. I am sorry if I am distanced from you all this time. I also apologize again for my decisions that You don't like. I hope you'd understand my reasons. It was hard for me, too.
I hope you'll forgive me, and heal me from all of these negativities. Free me from whatever's holding me back. Help me to be really okay soon. I pray all of this, in Jesus' name. Amen.
Hey, you okay?
Just in case no one asked you yet. If YES, thank God. If no, I hope you'll be, soon. I pray we'll both be okay. My struggles manifested too on how I ditched my favorite platforms for two days, and I apologize for that. It's also a sign of irresponsibility to handle situations. But let me interpret that as my way of taking a well-deserved break.
Struggles seemed to not end their contract with me yet. I am so sick and tited of them, but I am still fighting as hard as I can. There are thoughts of giving up, but I just look how far I've come amd decide, NO, I ain't giving up.
Need your prayers, everyone. Thanks in advance. XOXO.
Let's fight through this. Godspeed!
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"I just want to be okay, like.. really OKAY." This line hits different for me. I mean, yes. When this "okay" will really be okay?