If your parents don't want you

We do not all share the same childhood. Some parents love to make you feel miserable and break you. Society knows, they watch and keep their mouth shut police and CPS included.

I hide underneath my blanket and hope no one will enter my room. My mother only does if she is angry. Angry at someone. In many cases her clients not me but it's easier to scold at me, hit me. Clients won't like it if she does that. I heard she slammed a lady in her face and people complain she always arrives late.
Once I am in bed my mother is happy, happy because I am out of her way.y dad only enters my room at night if he is angry too. He says he can't think if I make noise. I never make noise because my parents don't allow it and they hit me. Both do but my mother always starts with it. They want me out of their way.  That's why I am frequently send to bed at 5 p.m.
It isn't dark outside yet so I can still see a bit without the lamp switched on. My eyes hurt and so does my belly but at least the central heat is still on.
School was like always. Mrs. Mulder is thebteacher and old. I still can not do mental arithmetic which makes her angry neither I can remember the tables of ten. She never explains it and if I look at these numbers I cannot figure it out. I don't know about the other children but I can't learn it by head. I have nothing with numbers. I can not even remember my own birthday. Not that it is important it's never celebrated anyway.

Monday
February 22, 2021


My mother was angry again. As I entered the garden I could hear her voice. She was angry at the new girl. I waited for a while outside but it was cold and I am not like our dogs. I went outside and took my shoes off and hung my coat in the wardrobe underneath the stairs. This one is for us and it's where my mother stores a part of the food. There's more storage on the ceiling. Cans, pots, packages with instant food. Perhaps she's afraid the next war will start and she has to do without bleach, salt and toilet paper. There's no extra food for the dogs just the box with old bread the bakery delivers on Saturdays.
I waited in the hallway and didn't know what to do so I silently went to the bathroom. My mother makes me nervous especially if she is in this mood again. I never know what I can expect. I heard her yell and cry.
As I finally found the courage to leave the bathroom I saw her in the living. She cries about the antique cupboard. The cleaning lady cleaned it with ammonia. It's white. It was dark wood and now it is white. She kept crying and rubbing wood oil on it. At first, I thought the cupboard was new but it is spoiled, damaged. It's what she says. Today she is not angry with me. She cries cries about her antique cupboard and the cleaning lady won't come back.
I don't know if the cupboard will ever look the same again. Perhaps one day it will be dark and shiny again. I read about wood. You have to respect it and take care of it. Wood is alive, that's what they wrote.

Tuesday
February 23, 2021


Wednesday is a good day to many but not for me. There's no school in the afternoon. Many children play at with and at each other's home but I am nlt. Not since my two friends left school. They still have each other to play with. They are neighbours but I have no one. It's hard to invite children at our home. Today my mother says it's alright and next day I have to cancel it. Francoise and Hans met my mother and saw there's something wrong with her. I am not sure if they fear her but my home is not a good place to be. We are not allowed to play. My mother doesn't like people to touch things and make our house dirty. If they enter the house without shoes they still make it dirty. My mother sees germs, dust, footsteps, fingerprints and sand everywhere even if no one can see it. Her eyes are good and mine are bad. She always asks me if I don't see it. I don't but it is better to agree with her. If you don't agree she starts shouting and it always ends the same. I have to bring her the whip or dog leash and she hits me endlessly.

This afternoon I had to help her with the cupboard. I put oil on the drawers. She said we can not use the beeswax for antiques because the wood is dry, bone-dry. We finished teo bottles and she bought more. I am not sure if she was satisfied but I was allowed to watch tv for a while and she left the room. I tried to focus on the television but it's hard. I don't feel well if she is home. I never know if she comes back and if how her mood is.

Wednesday
February 24, 2021


I have a paper with the tables of ten again. I practised them before and do my best but I cannot remember them. I think my brain is broke or it doesn't like numbers. I am not stupid and not lazy. I do a lot but I cannot remember the answers.
I wonder for what I will need those tables. I putbthe paper underneath my pillow. They say if you do you learn in your sleep. I do not skeep much because it is dangerous but perhaps I learn them anyway. I read all the tables in bed till it became too dark.

I am tired but I can not sleep.

Thursday
February 25, 2021


I hid on the ceiling behind the doors. It's where the storage is. The room isn't used sice the girl from the Philippines left. She found me and said I had to leave because my mother told me to leave. I begged her not to tell my mother and let me stay but she dragged me out by my arm and said I should leave now before my mother arrives back home. She said I know what she will do to me if she finds me here, if I do not obey.
She pushed me outside and there's no place to go. Where do children go if parents don't want them any longer?
I saw her leave. She went home and left me outside alone. Alone in the cold without a coat or shoes. How come it is always without a coat and shoes and always winter never if it is summer?
I saw the lights burn in the livingrooms of all those people. There's no place I can go to. The only thing I could do was walking.
No one asked where I was going to, why I am still outside, how come I don't wear a coat and shoes.
Empty streets everywhere. It's time to eat. Dads are back home, schools closed and there's no place to go, where I can stay warm. I couldn't go to Ellen again because she will find me and Ellen's mom would tell me everything will be alright just like she said before. But it won't be. If she saw my bruises and neck she knew but it wouldn't work out good for me. No one ever said my mother is crazy or dangetous. People know just like grandpa did but he died and can't help me. So the only thing I can do is keep walking, walking away from here. She said she didn't want to see my ugly face ever again. If I am gone, she never needs to. She will finally be happy.

Friday
February 26, 2021

A kid's diary

She hoards and yells


Same old story, same old song


I hope she won't hurt her


So mixed up


It's about politics as usual


Screaming, crying doesn't help

#kittywu #diary #childhood