Dear diary... I don't like to write this. I mean 'dear diary' because it sounds stupid plus talking to a booklet is dumb especially if the booklet doesn't answer. The only one who will respond is my mother if she reads this.
She will punish me for every word I tell or write. It doesn't matter if I write nonsense, the truth or am making up something. What I write is always bad, so is what I say or don't say. If I speak my mother washes my mouth with soap. The brand of soap is called 'Lux' and it doesn't taste great. As far as I know, Averell is the only one who loves to eat soap. He is the youngest of the Dalton brothers. If you never heard of these brothers you can read about them in the comic 'Lucky Luck'. Mother Dalton washes the mouth of her sons with soap and so does my mother. I don't believe my mother ever read a comic which means she and mother Dalton are both old. They are raised at the same time and think soap is healthy.
There's a picture of a lady on the wrap of the soap. She looks strange. She might be white but it isn't the same white as the people who live here. Perhaps the soap makes you look different? My mother wants me to look different. She says my knees are too black...
Most of the times I say nothing. I don't like to talk plus it is not allowed to talk if adults talk, during meals if we sit at the table, not in the classroom either. The only talking done is prayers before and after we eat and the reading from the bible. The bible is dark blue and my mother can't read out loud well. Her voice sounds terrible. She cannot tell stories either. My dad his voice is different.
I don't know if my grandmother can read. She has two bibles but one is locked in a copper box. I am not allowed to touch it but she once showed it. If we are at her home she asks someone else to read from her bible. She just sits and listens or coughs. My grandmother always coughs and my mother hates that and screams at her she has to stop coughing.
My mother... She is not a kind person. She is mean and worse than a monster. I don't write it in my diary just here. She yells at me and my dad but also my grandmother and granny. My ears always hurt if she does and that's why I say nothing. Not that keeping silent is the best thing to do. It makes her angry if I say nothing. She forces me to repeat what she says or asks for my opinion. Not that I can say my opinion. I have to say what she likes to hear but how can I know what she wants me to say? She doesn't like to hear the truth and if I say what she likes to hear she knows I lie and it also angry.
I don't want her to be my mother but my aunt says I did. I don't believe her, my aunt I mean. She just says that so it feels good to her and she doesn't need to care about me.
Adults always make up stories and think children believe them.
I am not stupid, I did not choose my mother, I did not ask to be born. If I ever get out of here I will never pray again or read the bible. I like fairy tales like 'Bluebeard' but not what the bible says. It's written by a Roman and the only thing that man wanted was to kill everyone who did not see him as a god. My mother curses a lot. She should wash her mouth with soap instead of mine. Everything the bible says is forbidden she is doing. I am not a bad fruit because she is a bad tree.
Monday
February 15, 2021
Our house it's full and my mother says it's always dirty. We clean the whole day on. Three times a day. If the housekeeper goes home I have to do everything over again. My mother always sees the heaps of sand and thick layers of sand. I only see many items. Our house is so full and every item has its place. If it's one centimetre moved my mother sees it. The housekeeper will be happy if she can go home but I can never leave. I have to face her, listen to her and at times come along with her to the shops. I have no clue why she asks me since she only wants me to wait at the door. She collects, she hoards. Antiques, clothes, shoes, coats, jewellery, copper, silver, porcelain and those things she calls 'Royal Albert'. She makes the shopkeepers nervous but she is a good customer so they bow and jump. They lie to her I know they do but she never tells them they are liars. I wonder why.
At the end of the day, the man from the shop delivered all she bought. Two lamps, porcelain figurines and more. He took his shoes off and she yelled at him he wasn't allowed to stay on the parquet floor. He had to jump from one small carpet to the next and nearly fell.
Better not touch the parquet. She polishes it every day and if you touch the floor she can see the footprints.
I watched the man leave. He felt relieved he was back outside and safe. Safe back in his car.
I wish our house wasn't so full but she likes it this way and always buys.
Tuesday
February 16, 2021
In the morning I visited the school and in the afternoon I stayed home. The housekeeper was busy and my mother wasn't home. The furniture is still piled up and she didn't vacuum. The housekeeper doesn't care. She stays in the kitchen the only place where the table and chairs are at their place. At five o'clock she goes home. She doesn't always say goodbye to me. If my parents aren't home she leaves too. Like before my dad is always gone. He never has breakfast or supper with us and only on rare occasions he is home if we have the evening bread meal. Perhaps he eats somewhere else?
I couldn't watch television because living is a forbidden area, upstairs it is a mess and the kitchen is forbidden too if the housekeeper is still present. I looked if children played outside but no one was. It's too cold and they have a home. Everyone has a home and some have a kind mother too. Kind mothers don't believe mean mothers exist.
Wednesday
February 17, 2021
The gym was cold and so was the dressing room. I hate leotards. They are itchy and I still feel cold. Why do I always need to wear a thin dress? Winter is the worst time there is.
I started writing a letter to granny. I'll write a long one but can not tell her everything. I don't know if she believes plus if I make my mother angry I cannot send it to her. I need a stamp and my mother will only give me one if she agrees with what I write and has a good mood.
Thursday
February 18, 2021
It's nearly my aunts birthday but we will not visit her. She always visits us though. Perhaps I can speak to her by phone? I am not sure if I am allowed to. The phone is for my mother's work. She says it's for cases of emergencies only. Perhaps my aunt doesn't mind if I don't call. My mother always fights her and a birthday with fights is bad. I always have bad birthdays.
Friday
February 19, 2021
I had to walk again. I have no medaille but a small plate and it says 'hutspot tocht'. They gave us a hutspot at the finish. It wasn't much but I liked it. Hutspot is mashed potatoes with carrots, onions and sausages.
I didn't have to eat the tomato soup and the bread with the dry honey.
Saturday
February 20, 2021
Cleaning, Sunday school, sitting still and feeling bored was my day. Some children are allowed to play I am not. I only can if we visit my grandmother or granny. If we visit someone my parents don't care about Sunday, the Sunday and the rules they made.
Sunday
February 21, 2021
A kid's diary
Same old story, same old song
I hope she won't hurt her
So mixed up
It's about politics as usual
Screaming, crying doesn't help
Hopefully Diarimy will respond by giving you peace for a while. You must be patient, my friend. we are your friends to cry and be happy together