Screaming, crying doesn't help

My head hurts so much I could scream. I don't because it won't bring me anywhere. It would only hurt me more. Screaming, crying is pointless. No one cares. My mother does not, dad doesn't neither does the teacher or the children at school.

Ellen's mom said it would all be fine. She said it would be but it did not. My back hurts, my head does and my heart does. I feel the pain, the pain no one else does.
My mother said she wishes I was never born. I wish the same. I didn't ask to be born no matter what my aunts say. This is not the life I want and the truth is I do not like my mother, I do not want her to be my mother. She is bad, she is evil and she loves to hurt people. She enjoys it. I see it at her face. I know I am not the only one she hurts. I see the fear in their eyes. They fear her but they need her and that's why most come and stay till they can leave.

Is there anything wrong with me? I don't think so. She is wrong. My uncle hates her too. How come she isn't kind to those who need her and pay her? It's because she is the queen. They all say she is because she acts like one. She's always too late, shows up last and lies. I know she lies to them too. I don't know if they believe her but she believes in her own lies. .sometimes she says her mother hit her, made her work hard but U don't believe her. If that's true and you know you do not do exactly the same. You don't do to someone else what others did to you. That doesn't make sense. But she does.

I never asked my grandmother if it's true but she told me my mother was still being fed at the age of 8 years old. She was fed porridge because she could not eat bread. Toddlers can eat bread but my mother could not at the age of 8 years old. I think she already was a manipulative person at that age. How come no one noticed? I am not sure if I still love my dad and like my family. They don't care about me and I feel ashamed of my mother behaves like a man or idiot. She keeps repeating herself while she walks up and down and scolds at me. I am not deaf I know she hates me and wished I was never born. It's the only thing we have in common. The wish I was never born.

Monday
January 11, 2021


Sometimes the days go fast and sometimes they go slow. If I am sent to bed early or my mother hits me time goes slow and I close my eyes and count. I keep counting and try to think of something else. A better place, something I like but it doesn't work. I think there's nothing I like. I don't see a better place. Is there anything better? If so what does it look like? The sun doesn't shine where I live no matter how hard I try to see it. There's no sun shining behind the clouds. The sky's grey, always grey. There are no clouds it's just grey and if there is a single cloud I don't see anything in it. I don't see the god Wodan riding his horse. Perhaps Mars is on his way, the God of thunder and war. Perhaps Mars is in a bad mood or he will end the battle for me.

Tuesday
January 12, 2021


The school was still a quarter past noon and in the afternoon I was at home. I don't like to be at home if my mother is. She's painting the walls. The rooms at the ceiling are blue already. Downstairs the hallway is green, dark green. I think she can paint but I am not allowed to watch. She can't stand having me in her way. I have to stay in my room. I don't care as long as she leaves me alone. I like to read and upstairs is a toilet too. She doesn't give me anything to eat but that's fine with me. I am not hungry and I don't like to be alone with her.

Wednesday
January 13, 2021


I didn't go to gymnastic after school because of my bruises but I don't care. It's cold outside and I don't like the bullies. Children are throwing snowballs. It's not snow but more like ice and there are pieces of stone in it. I tried to make snowballs and Louis asked me to help to make a snowman. He's kind and so is his younger brother Arthur but my mitten get wet and my fingers cold. I went home and put them on the central heat. Guess what they became hard! My fingers hurt so much it felt the same as when they get stuck between the door.

My mother says I am clumsy. I break everything. She doesn't like clumsy children.

Thursday
January 14, 2021


Dad and I went doing the groceries. Usually they are done on S,aturdays after the bakery delivered the bread, cookies, pie and a box of old bread for the dogs. The bakery calls it old bread but it's spoiled and burned bread. The bread is very hard to break into pieces. Do dogs really like that?
On Fridays it's shopping evening. The shops are open at night.

Friday
January 15, 2021

A kid's diary

Goats love to play

Replace that old standard

Christmas

Nothing left

Some peace

#kittywu #diary #childhood